First Time Grandmother Wanting Information on How to Handle This New Position As

you have gotten some great advice. I just wanted to remind you that her hormones could be going soo crazy right now. she could be dealing with depression, anxiety. she is tired, trying to understand how to deal with a new baby. she is not herself and she barely has enough energy to function and take care of her child much less worry about anyone else even her husband. give her time to heal and don't get offended. and something to look forward too: she won't be near as freaked out for her 2nd baby :)

I obviously don't know what's going on in your situation but I will tell you about mine. My little guy is 9 weeks old today. When we had him he was in the NICU for 4 hours (that's nothing compared to two weeks). That was the worst four hours of my life. By the time we left the hospital my husband and I were so physically and emotionally drained that we didn't have it in us to interact with anyone, his parents and mine included. As a new mom I didn't want (and I don't think I did) let go of my baby for probably a month. I was trying to figure out how to be a mom and how to address his needs and I didn't want to have to deal with anyone else.

My Mom came and stayed with us for a while and she understood this new mom syndrom. She specfically told me that she was there to take care of me and not the baby, and that's what she did. When my MIL came to stay with us she did the reverse. All she wanted to do was hold the baby and sing to him and love on him. I know her intentions were good but that's not what we needed at the time. I felt like as soon as the little guy was happy and it was my time to enjoy him she swooped it to try and take him. I know that all she wanted to do was play her grandma role and love on the baby but I really think it was too soon for that. Mom and baby needed the bonding time. I found myself wanting to make up reasons as to why she could not hold him. She didn't even hold him all that much, it was just her making it clear that she constantly wanted to.

Now that he is a little older and I am a more confident mom I feel better about giving him to people other than dad. That includes my parents and my MIL. All of my emotion around the situation really had nothing to do with my MIL and everything to do with my need to feel in control of the situation while I figured out this whole new mom stuff.

I would suggest two things. 1) Offer to take care of her not the baby. Ask her to let you know when she needs somthing and when she does ask deilver with a loving intent. 2) Give it some time. The first 6 weeks were hard for me and they may be for her too. This could have nothing to do with you and everything to do with the new situation she is in. Overall, make sure the fact that you love them both is know. Good Luck.

L., as firt time parents at the age of 37, we did not want either of our mothers around when we first brought our son home from the hospital. We love them very much, but honestly they stress both of us out. My mother lacks initiative and would have held the baby the whole time and my husbands mom talks nonstop and would have mostly wanted to visit. We knew we just couldn't deal with that extra stress on top of adjusting to our new life. Having a new little one is an overwhelming life experience and I think when you are close to 40 years old, it is a little surprising to you that you can be so easily unnerved. We just needed "downtime" with our baby. After a few weeks of us being alone and bonding with our new little one we were much more ready to accept visitors and confident in our role as parents. Our mothers were very understanding and gave us our space and it worked out fine for everyone. Be patient, send them your love and give them space. Give an open offer of help that they can call on anytime. Anytime I am insecure about something, I do my best to put myself in their place and try to think reasonably about the situation. I think if you do that you will see that they were not trying to hurt you--they are understandably focused on their baby's needs right now. God Bless You all!

Hi L.,

Hang in there! I love my Mom and my MIL very much and they were great. I actually had more issues with my own Mom than my MIL. I adore my Mom and she is wonderful with my kiddos, but when I had my twin girls, in the beginning I felt like I was competing with her for time with my own kids. She wanted to push the stroller, she wanted to go get them when they got up from a nap, she wanted to go get them from the nursery after church, if they squawked at all she was right there asking if she should pick them up. I am a very confident Mom and I "can do it all" and I hated having to say no to her, but I wanted that time. My girls were 6 weeks preemie and invitro babies on top of that and I wanted every moment. I felt like she wanted to be the Mom, but she wasn't she was the grandmother. At the same time, those qualities are what made her such a great Mom to me! :)

Anyway, we worked through it all and I was honest with her, my biggest fear was hurting her feelings. It helped so much when she said "I adore your kids and I want to do anything and everything you need me to do. What can I do to help you and where would you like my help with the babies. Please tell me if I am crowding you." It opened up that door and then I felt more comfortable telling her, "Mom, I like to push the stroller." I could tell she wanted to do it and sometimes I let her, but I wanted every moment with my babies. She got her time with her babies and now I wanted mine. As the kids got older, it was easier to give up some of that time. My Mom definitely got plenty of time with my kids as babies, I didn't completely hog them! :) Good luck! Be patient.

Iwould ignore the whole situation and just call and say, I miss you and keep in touch. Make sure you call and ask if they need anything and when could you come to see the baby what would be a good day or time. She seems to feel you would crowd her and she wants to bond. But just remember they grow fast and keep that door open. My granddaughter lives with me and has since she was 5 because she has two rotten parents. But be grateful that she has two parents trying and learning to be good parents. She will seek advise probably from her mom but as time goes on she will want to know when your son walked and crawled and such. Looks like she is still to new and time will go on. Some times I wish I could be free of raising children especially a getting spoiled teen. But it will pass too. God Bless and congrats. G. W

You are in a tough position as mother-in-law. I am certainly closer to my own mom and is my first to ask for babysitting. She takes care of my kids as I would; so I feel most comfortable with her. What I would suggest is be open with them and let them know that you would like to do more. If they are not receptive to that, just call every once in a while and ask to come over with notice to visit the baby. She will probably let up after a bit, plus her mom is not going to be there all of the time. Naturally, you guys will become more involved. The one thing that bothered me with my in-laws is that they don't know how to help. They just want to hold the baby which is nice. However, my mom just changes my kids diaper without asking, etc. She really is like my extra arm. It sounds like you do other things which is really helpful. Congratulations!

Congratulations on your new granddaughter! Being a grandmother is so much fun. I have 3 with my son and daughter-in-law. Your situation is new and my advice for you is to keep all lines of communication open. I think you should talk to your son, and ask him why they felt the need to sneak out of your home. Do this in a non-confrontational way, but with concern, letting him know they have your love and support. Early on, the new mom may feel more comfortable getting help from her own mother (remember when you first became a mom), but that doesn't mean she will "come first". Perhaps you could prepare a meal for them and schedule a time to bring it over to share and visit. Everyone is adjusting right now, and this will pass with time. But don't keep your hurt bottled up. You opened your home, and the new parents should be grateful, not avoiding you. Why would they think you would be upset at their leaving? It's a legitimate question, which should be addressed sooner rather than later, just not in an accusatory way. I'm sure the new parents will realize how blessed they and their daughter are to have loving grandparents in her life!

Hey L.,

Congratulations on your new status. It can be more difficult when it is your son. You're probably right about the mother coming first. Do her parents live closer than you? Are there siblings & other grandchildren in her family?

Mine was the first grandchild on my side and the first in 15 years on the daddy's side. They lived about 5 minutes from his family so, naturally, they saw them more. The mother-in-law did not work so she was an easy, willing babysitter at any given time for any situatuion. I had to work a full time job and lived over an hour away - but would gladly have taken off and driven to be with my granddaughters. My daughter (whom I raised to always be thoughtful and considerate of others)has yet to ask me to keep the girls. (Guess I did too good a job!)

I can't even imagine the fear your daughter-in-law experienced (and your son)at having to leave her in the hospital for 2 weeks and I'm sure she wants to protect the baby.

I am, however, wondering if something else is going on here. The things that concern me are:

- You son is an only child (is there a
grandfather in the picture on either/both side(s)?)

- Your son has not worked for a while (How long? What kind of work did he do before teh car wreck? What are the extent of his injuries? When does he anticipate returning to work?)

- Your son is 36 and never been married - why? (Has he had issues in the past with drugs, changing jobs, authority figures - did he finish school? All of these things may be a factor)

- The daughter-in-law saying they should 'not tell you (about taking the baby home) because you might be upset'
(Were you present when they came by to get her things? How did you find out about the decision not to tell you? From whom did you get this info?)

And a few questions:

- how long have they had been married?
- how long they were together before they married?
- is there a financial difference between you and the other grandparents?
- what is the history between you and the in-laws?
- do they like your son and he/them?
- is there talk about 'daddy' being a SATD while 'mommy' goes back to work?
- do you work outside the home?
- are animals a factor (in your home/theirs or her parents)?

From personal experience, L., I have to tell you I really think there are some issues that need to be addressed.

I'm not quite sure how that should happen. I don't know how well you know your daughter-in-law and how close you are. That may be the deciding factor in how you handle it. (Don't necessarily believe everything your son tells you. The comment about 'not telling you....' may have come from him and not her).

If you are fairly close to her, you might take her to lunch - just to give her a break (let daddy take care of baby). You could, at this point, tell her all of these things - your concern and understanding about the baby's health, etc.... Basically, let her know that you want very much to be involved in her/their lives.....that you are willing and available any time and for anything she wants/needs. Ask her outright if there is anything specific you could do to help her; i.e. mom's day out (she and her mother could go get a spa treatment together, have a nice lunch, see a movie, etc...) preparing a meal (in her home), etc.

L., I witnessed a situation identical (in every way) to this. It turned out that the son (an only child) married the girl because she got pregnant....they'd dated for a while but had not discussed marriage until she became pregnant. It was a sad situation. The motehr didn't want to get emotionally involved with the boy if she wasn't going to be able to be active in his life in case their marriage didn't last. It was a really sad situation.

God bless - I wish you luck. Please keep us posted!

Hey L.. Your post doesnt at all indicate that you are over stepping your bounds. Some of the responses are a little harsh. It seems that you have done a wonderful job of keeping your feelings under wraps. Keep up the good work! I would talk to your son about how you feel. They are valid points!!

I was on the opposite end of a similar situation. My MIL paid for our hotel while my first daughter was in the NICU. She helped in every way possible! Even though I was, in my heart, very grateful for her help, I found out years later that she was very upset with me for not showing my appreciation. I did not intend to upset her, but my focus was completely on the baby, and getting home. Perhaps your DIL was trying to protect your feelings, or it's possible that she just couldn't deal with you being upset right then. I know I was an emotional wreck the day we finally got to take my daughter home, even though (or because) I'd never cried once the entire time she was in the NICU.
Not much advice, just my side of (a little bit of) my story. The only thing I can recommend is to forgive them quickly so bitterness does not take root in your heart, and try to understand that they (most likely) did not intend to offend or hurt your feelings.

My heart breaks for you! I'm sure it was very sad to find out that they left by seeing their room cleaned out, especially after all the help you had been to them. As a daughter in law, my biggest issue with my mother in law is she doesn't tell me anything, I hear it through the grapevine from other daughter in laws, etc. I think if you keep in mind that they were going through a horrible time with the baby in the ICU and had a lot on their minds, you can try to forgive that they didn't tell you. I also think you should lovinging tell your son that you wish he would have told you they were leaving, just out of common courtesy. I would make it part of a larger conversation...how is the baby doing? I'd love to come see her, when would be a good time? Is there anything I can do for you guys, I could bring dinner when I come visit her if you'd like? then, bring up the issue, you know honey, it kind of hurt me when you guys moved out without telling me the day the baby went home. I'm so excited for you guys and was worried for her, I wish you would share that news with me next time.

As for being around, just remember it is their child, not yours. They may have different ways of doing things that you do and that's OK b/c a lot has changed. If they ask for advice, give it, if not, keep your opinions to yourself. When you do get to watch the baby, please play by their rules. If they say no milk, don't give her any milk, if they say they rock her to sleep, be respectful of that b/c I wasn't always sure my MIL was doing things my way and it made me not want to leave my kids with her. Finally, if you want to be involved, be involved. Ask when her next dr. appt is, offer to go with the DIL to help, if she doesn't want you to go, call later that day or the next day to see how it went. You don't have to be there 24/7 to be involved, and as a DIL, if I thought it was important to my MIL to know those things, I'd call her about them, but she always seems to busy to talk, so I don't call her for routine visits. Good luck!

I just read some of the responses and wanted to add this. Offer to help with things like if you are there and she says "oh, the baby is dirty" jump up and say "I'd be glad to change her for you", when everyone is eating, and the baby starts fussing (which ALWAYS happens), offer to hold the baby or as she gets older, offer to feed the baby so mom and dad can eat. I was shocked when I went to visit my hubby's side of the family last summer (without him) at how no one really helped. When it was dinner time, I held the baby, fixed my other 2 kids plates, fixed my plate, ate my plate and fed the baby without my MIL offering to hold him while I ate. She also never offered to rock him to sleep while we were there or change a diaper. I guess everyone is different, but my mom is such a help when I visit her, I don't even have to ask (maybe that's the difference, I wouldn't ask anyone to help, I just wait to see if they offer). Yes, I can do all those things for my kids, but it certainly is nice to get help now and again, especially when MIL doesn't get to see them very much.

This is easy - volunteer to babysit!

My husband and his mom haven't always had a great relationship, so I've always been a little cautious around her. In fact, when I was pregnant, my husband told me not to expect any help from his mother at all. So I didn't.

Three months ago, I gave birth to our first child - a beautiful baby boy. I had complications from my c-section, and, as a new mom, maternity leave was overwhelming. My husband's mother volunteered to babysit - every Thursday from noon to four - so I could run errands, get pedicures, just go have lunch with friends. Whatever I needed to do. It worked miracles for both her relationship with me, but also with our son. Now that he's in daycare at St. Mark's, she goes to visit him regularly during the day. My son is happy to have the attention, and I feel better knowing she pops in up there.

Sometimes, the simplest answer is the best one.

Congratulations! You have some great responses- especially Christine (2 before me). I haven't read them all, but I disagree with the people who say you need to ask your son why they felt the need to "sneak out". This isn't about you. I'm sorry they hurt your feeings, but they needed to get in their own home with their child so they could start figuring out their new roles. It was probably easier & more drama-free for them to just leave. Be patient with them. They are exhausted and need to be with one another. You have a good relationship, so you'll be included more soon enough- just let them get their routine down. In the future they will do things you don't agree with. Remember it's their baby. You can offer advice, but please be careful to let them make their own choices. Don't let them see a disapproving look on your face. This will put a wall between you. Even if the do things different than you would, that baby is going to turn out great. She has a wonderful grandmother to make sure of that!

Just talk to her and let her know how you feel. Let her know how much you love them and how you want to help out and be involved. For me it was harder to let my husband's mom take care of my daughter than it was for me to let my mom. This wasn't because my mother in law is not as good as my mom, but more that I knew my mom would do everything exactly the way I wanted, and my mom was/ is very good about asking before she goes off and does anything. It took me a little longer to understand that my husband's mom would be the same. When she first started helping out, she took time to sit down with me while I was nursing, pen and paper in hand, and asked everything about the baby. She wanted to know exactly how I wanted everything done, from feeding, bathing, changing, dressing, soothing, etc. Also, she would spend time at our house with me there and just help out. I think knowing that she would respect my decisions as a mom and follow them really went a long way to making me feel comfortable. It also helped that she was so open about everything. Now our relationship is so close and I trust her completely with my daughter, even overnight. I feel so blessed to know that my girl will grow up with two equally involved, loving grandma's. Oh, also I think its important to try and never "compete" with her mom. I have a friend who's mom and MIL are always competing for the baby's affections and trying to our gift each other. Its so stressful on my friend, that now she wants to tell them both to stay away. Hope this helps.

I am late to respond, but wanted to tell you that I was super close to my MIL and she was always there for me, doing whatever needed to be done. Whether it was passing the vaccuum, playing with the kids, cooking a dinner, or lunch and shopping with me... We lost her to cancer a few years back and I miss her terribly. You sound so much like her. Your DIL is so lucky to have you. Just the fact that you are willing to be involoved in whatever capacity, that you are willing to step back if need be, that you are soliciting advice as to how to find the right level of involvement...I know that you you are going to find that balance and be a blessing to your family. Enjoy YOUR new blessings grandma!

L.,

I just wanted to offer you some encouragement after reading all the responses. I think it was unfair to be told you were gossiping and to get off the public forums. I believe you were hurting and your heart was right when you sought advice from others~ which is what this site is about. I also think it unfair to give you the thrid degree as if you were on trial. It is good that you wish to be involved and understandable that you would be hurt. You should keep in mind that when you do something out of love, you expect nothing in return~ that means you can't say I did this I should at least get this... I know that wasn't your heart going into it, because it is obvious you love your son,dil, and grandbaby and just wanted to help them. I only caution you not to ever bring up everything you did for them to them; it will only cause problems. I think expressing your hurt to others to get some advice and support~especially when your heart was so for them~ is absolutely acceptable. I think you did get some great advice. Offer to help in whatever way they need and give them a little grace, space, and time. I can't imagine what kind of anxiety they are dealing with. There are alot of things that people do during traumatic/stressful periods in life that would normally be unacceptable, but can be considered forgivable given the circumstances. They were scared for the baby and having your newborn kept from you in a hospital for so long is traumatic. Often times when ppl go through traumas, they try to distant themselves from anything that might remind them of the circumstance (ie:hospital, place where they were staying, ppl whom were around during the stressful period, etc.). It's also possible that they may have felt like a burden and did not want to further bother you. So, they decided to quietly leave. You never know, they may have genuinely been also considering you. If not, I'm sure we can all understand why they would have one track minds. They were probably anxious to be home. Try to give them some grace and offer understanding and support. Again, I encourage you that it is quite apparant your heart is to be a fantastic grandmother and you want to be there for them! Put your hurt aside, and they will be able to see the love above all else and will be happy to have you in their lives! God Bless!

You have a lot of responses that I didn't get a chance to read...but I wanted to let you know when I had my first born...My mom and dad would come to the house to help...but I really just wanted to be alone to figure out how to breastfeed, have one on one time with my newborn....sleep...not be around anyone but my husband...So I'm sure they're just trying to feel their way around their new roles.... Try not to take it personal...It's just one of those overwhelming moments that they are trying to soak up on their own.

L.,
I so understand. I have two sons myself. Although neither is married yet I see how it will be. The wife will come first, as should be, but a devoted mom can feel left out. You are doing your best to allow them to set boundaries. This is good and healthy.

I am in a support group and I will offer you the conclusions I have come to understand. Talk to Mammasource or your friends about your hurt. Rarely is it appropriate to complain to your son or his wife. Be there for them, but keep your expectations low for what they can give back. I know this sounds harsh, but think of the baby bird that is pushed out of the nest. We must be grateful for what our adult children are willing to give. All that said, I do think it is okay to tell your son and his wife exactly what you said to us, you are thrilled for them! Tell them you have no desire to be overly involved, but are prepared to be a fully present and active grandma to the extent that they feel is appropriate. Tell them you have never been a grandmother before, this is new territory. You love them all and you will look to them for what they feel is an appropriate role for you. Tell them again that you love them. Don't put guilt or pressure on them. Just remind them of how much you care.
Enjoy this new adventure in your life.
My Best,
P.

Wow... God Bless you! I wish my own mother was as involved as you. She'll come around. The first few monthes for a new mom are extremely stressful. She's going to be very possesive of that child. You need to gently let your son know your feelings. Don't whine of complain to him just tell him how proud you are of them how much you love the new grandbaby and how much it means to you to be part of their lives. They need time to adjust but keep doing what your doing. Once the babies a little older she'll have her own preferences and I'm sure she'll let her parents know she wants to go to grandma's house!

I would never tell her what she should do, what she ought to do or what you would do. Let her ask for advice. My MIL ruined our relationship by trying to steamroll over my every decision. Offer to clean the house, like mopping the floor or something like that instead of coming just to see the baby.

Oh, and don't demand to be called a certain name. My MIL demanded that the kids call her grandmommy. Then she paraded the kids around and called them hers. She would have been happy if I died and she had to be their mother. Not over reacting either. She's still angry that my husband comes to her with his issues instead of going to her like his two brothers do with their wives.

I agree with the others who say give her/them time. I was the same way with my first baby. I didn't mean to hurt anybody's feelings, but I am sure I did. Also, be very careful about what you say...any suggestion--no matter how well intended--can and probably will be taken as criticism. I would suggest just finding one or two things any time you are around the mom and the baby that you can compliment...like, "oh, the baby looks so comfortable when you hold her that way..." with NO added comments about how you did it, or would do it, etc (at least not now). And, yes, her mom will come first, but that is probably the person she (your daughter-in-law) is most comfortable with...especially in a situation where she is uncomfortable or unsure of herself.

What I most appreciated from my mom and mom-in-law was for them to come and help me around the house, or with dinner, while I learned to be the baby's caretaker (again, you have to be careful, you don't want her to interpret your desire to help as a criticism of her housekeeping.) I also SO appreciated my mother-in-law offering to hold the baby, or swing the baby or whatever, so my husband and I could enjoy a quick dinner together (at the house, but without having to hold the baby for that 20 minutes.)

But, as I said at first, just be available to them, and give it some time. Being a new mom--especially to a preemie--is very emotional and can make new moms feel inadequate, just when they feel they need to prove to the world what a great mom they are.

Before long I am sure you will have a very active role in your grandbaby's life!

You know the old saying, "A son is a son til he takes a wife, a daughter is a daughter all of her life." You are in a tricky situation. Be loving, never critical, and make yourself available, but don't push. Once your DIL understands that you aren't trying to control her or her husband, she will come around. Try inviting them to Sunday dinners. Make a great dinner and be a great hostess. Invite them every Sunday for as long as it takes to establish a tradition. Be patient and it will happen.

First of all, Congratulations on becoming a grandmother. I am so sorry your feelings have been hurt and that this time has not been what you envisioned (it probably isn't for your son and dil either), but I am going to defend your daughter in law without even knowing her. I had twin girls (they were our first) that were born 12 weeks early and spent 7 1/2 weeks in the NICU. We saw frequently that babies were often discharged with little to no advance notice. The morning we brought ours home we got a phone call early telling us to bring the car seat and that was all the notice we had. Consider that this may have been the case with your grandbaby too. Also, while in the NICU the doctors and nurses really scare you about your baby being exposed to people, both for immunity reasons but also because of the overstimulation this provides for the baby. Remember your grandbaby is still supposed to be inside growing and still had several weeks to prepare for the noises, sounds, touch etc they are now experiencing on the outside. I remember getting to the NICU one day to find my mother-in-law (it was an unexpected visit) holding my daughter and feeling rage and fear about whether or not she had unknowingly exposed my child to an illness or whether she was overstimulating her. Please consider these things and be patient with your son and daugher in law and Im sure in time they will recover from this experience and will be elated that you want to be involved in this new life. On a side note always wash your hands before touching the baby and announce that you know how important that is. It will put your son and daughter in law at ease and they will really appreciate not having to remind you. People seem to think that we are overprotective, but having a preemie really is a different ballgame.

I have one word for you COMMUNICATION. Just explain to your son how you feel. Tell him you don't want to be pushy but that you are there to help in whatever way you can. Let him know that he doesn't need to be afraid of hurting your feelings, but should communicate how he & his wife feel. Then when you are with your DIL try to open up communication with her also. Tell her what you told your son and how much you love them. Also it would help to give her praise on how well she is handling motherhood. Just in case she's feeling overwhelmed.
Best of luck to you.

As a mom who, also, had a newborn in the NICU, I was so sad, worried, stressed that I'm not sure how I acted for the first few weeks after my son was born. Give your daughter-in-law time. Having your first baby is tough, but it must be that much more difficult leaving that precious child in the hospital for 2 weeks. Mine was my second son and only stayed 1 week and I thought my heart would literally break into pieces. Leave them alone for a while until they get on their feet, but offer to support them anyway you can-meals, trips to the store, laundry. They may just want time alone to be with their baby. Forget about what has happened even though it was hurtful. I know it is hard when your sons have children because usually the daughters mom is much more involved. I know mine was and my mom has told me my sister in laws moms were, too. It is just a part of life and I'll have to accept it to someday because I have 2 sons of my own. I would concentrate on the blessing of having a new, healthy baby to love. You have lots of time to spend with the baby in the coming years. The parents just want to be a little selfish right now and we can all understand that. Congratulations!!!

L.,

My MIL and I were on great terms right up until I had my first baby. There were some problems with the birth and I felt really angry from that and I remembered some things she had said before the birth. I almost felt like she had jinxed me. My hormones, exhaustion, and disappointment all made it difficult for me to tolerate her way of doing things. She does things very differently from me. My recommendation for you would be to try and swallow the disappointments. Try to visit for short periods of time. Pay attention to what she enjoys doing around the house and offer to do the other things that are more difficult for her to get to. The fact is that it was very rude of them to leave without saying anything to you and it makes me groan thinking about the horrid things I did during that time in my life. Fortunately my MIL was extremely gracious about it all and now our relationship is back to wonderful.

I don't hae any advice,just wanted to say I'm in a very similar situation, so I will be watching to see what other's have to say. I was so looking forward to my first grandchild and it's frustrating to not see him very often, especially when they live a couple of miles away.

Hang in there and know that they don't know what they're missing. I hope they figure it out before it's too late!!

Sending hugs your way!!

Chris

Dear L.,

I don't have any personal advice, but I had a friend that went through this. The first year she was a little sad, confused and hurt, but she just stuck with it and loved her dau-in-law the same way she always had and the new mom finally relaxed and things went back to normal. They have a wonderful relationship again.

Her advice? Relax, don't take it personally, don't hold a grudge, be available, be friendly, be loving.

New moms have hormone issues, after delivery recovery issues, anxiety about being a new parent issues, and let's face it, most of us are more comfortable with our own moms than with our husband's moms.

Hang in there!

A.

PS I just remembered something. When my second child was about a week old, she had to stay in the hospital for a week. After that, we became extremely careful about her. We didn't take her out in public for many months, we didn't expose her to strangers, we made everyone that wanted to touch her or hold her or get close wash their hands, etc! A prolonged hospital stay makes parents a little protective!

I hope you update us in the future to let us know how it's going!

L.,

I say just to give it time. Don't say anything. It will all come in time. This is new for your DIL and she is dealing with a lot: new baby, breasts, hormones, trauma, HER family. She has to get settled and it takes time. This is not about you, it's about them.

I have personal experience with this. It took me 7 pregnancies to be able to have a baby and I was totally insane. My MIL stayed with us for the first month after my daughter was born. I warned her ahead of time that I would be very possessive of my new baby. She said she understood and would just be here to help around the house. She did not understand as she thought she would. It put a wedge between us for about 8 months. We are back to being very close, but it took a lot to get there. I had to get over my hormones and my daughter had to get past a certain stage before I could get there. I love my MIL dearly and could not imagine my life or my daughter's without her.

Your DIL is having similar issues. Because her baby was in intensive care, it makes her more intense about her relationship with the baby. Women who get pregnant easily and who have no complications with the birth of their children will never understand this intensity. Give her time!

I'm sorry you are going through this, but please let it go.

Wow, that sucks. I would say to not say anything right now. They are confused, frustrated, and scared to death! My son was in NICU for a while also and I was also very possessive. It is very hard not to be. When someone called me out on it, I got my feelings hurt and got mad at them about it. (It's hard to think straight when you are sleep deprived and freaking out because the best thing that has happened to you is very sick). Once things settled down and I was a little more rested, I relaxed a little bit and started letting people around more and hold him more. It is hard for everyone. I would hate for you to say something now and have her mad at you. I would give it time and then maybe say something (but nicely). It is a touchy subject. It is very difficult being a mom and knowing what to do and realizing that you can't be there all the time and you have to SHARE! My son is 16 months old and I sometimes still want to take him from my families hands when we are all together (and I see him everyday and stay home with him!) I hope this helps a little bit.

Good luck,
S.