My daughter is almost 16, a sophomore in high school. She is a very good girl--good student, good athlete, respectful, helpful, does lots of volunteer work, etc. She has never tried drugs or alcohol and doesn't show any desire. So overall she is wonderful, but where I think I am going to have issues is with sex. I am a horrible privacy invader when it comes to my kids--I read their text messages whenever I get the chance and stalk their facebook pages--so I am aware of some of the stuff that has gone on already and we have discussed it at length. She is still a virgin and hasn't really even come close to any kind of actual sex, but she just started dating (and by 'dating' I mean they hold hands at school and see each other in group settings) a boy whom she has had a crush on since middle school and she has always told me how he is the cutest, nicest, most talented and basically overall awesomest boy in school, and I can see the attraction is mutual. We've had a gazillion talks about how it is best to wait until you are in a deeply committed relationship with someone you know truly loves you, so that intimacy is meaningful and serves as a bond between the two of you, etc., etc. And of course all the dangers--pregnancy, disease, and so on. But I don't know if any of that can penetrate the raging hormones and out of control libido. I've told her many times that even though I'd prefer she wait, if she knows sex is imminent, she just needs to tell me and I will take her to the Gyn to discuss birth control. However, although we are close, this is the one subject she really does not like to talk to me about--I suspect because she knows I'd like her to wait and she isn't so sure she wants to. My instinct is to limit the amount of time she can spend with this boy, but realistically I know the old saying holds true: Where there's a will, there's a way. So the question is: If I put her on birth control, is that like giving her permission to go ahead and have sex? Or is it a smart move to protect my daughter from the heartbreak of teen pregnancy? I would love to hear from other parents who have been in this position and what your decisions were and how it all turned out. Thank you!
Does she complain about menstrual cramps, irregular period, etc? If so, you could suggest she go to the gyn and get the pill to address these issues. She would be on the pill for "medical reason" but still be protected from pregnancy. That way, it won't look like you endorse her having sex.
Hi Rebecca, last night my daughter (15, also a sophomore) handed me her phone to show me the lastest stupid FB post by a girl she knows in school about being pissed off about her bf sleeping with someone else after sleeping with her the day before..blah blah blah.....
We collectively roll our eyes. I say something like "her parents must be so proud!".
My daughter says something like "Can you see why I'm in no hurry to do it? I can't stand all the stupid drama that seems to go along with it".
She is on the pill now, to regulate her period mostly. We bought a box of condoms together awhile back after she was telling me how her health teacher said MOST PEOPLE DON'T USE THEM PROPERLY. So we inspected a couple condoms, read the DIRECTIONS together (laughed and laughed). And the whole scene really WAS funny, but now I KNOW she knows how to use them AND is protected in other ways as well. (And yes, we just HAD to fill the open ones up with water!)
Fact is, she's a great kid, HUGE grades, LOTS of self respect, a strong desire to be successful in life, and an endless sense of humor.
Aren't these the things you said about your girl, too?
Keep her close, make her trust you. She'll be fine.
:)
Here's what I did with all of my kids, boy or girl.
When they reached 16, dating age in my house. We went to walmart and stood in the condom isle. I pointed out the different kinds, what they did and just had a general refresher course about condoms. Then they picked what they thought 'they' would like and went to the register to buy them. With their money, not mine.
I figured if they could buy them with me standing right there, buying them any other time would be a piece of cake. I worked out, it took the mystery out of them and it took the fear of buying them away. Birth control for the girls did come when they were about 17, one for obvious reasons (she'd been with her boyfriend for a year at that point), and one for menstrual issue's..but she also had a boyfriend.
I don't believe that putting a child on BC means they are going to run out and have sex. Is there a comfort level there, sure, but they will do it regardless. the only question is will they be protected or won't they?
Another thing you can do is buy condoms and keep them in your home (perhaps in your dresser) and tell the kids where to find them if they need them. Something my mom told me and I told the sks is that if you can't buy your own protection (too embarrassed), then you aren't ready for sex - and you certainly aren't ready for the potential results. You can also schedule a routine physical with her doctor and tell the doctor that you would like him/her to discuss sexual health with your daughter. Then your daughter may or may not choose to go on birth control pills (be mindful that long term bc can mess up your fertility later - my sister struggled after being on pills since she was about 17) but she should be informed of her choices and know her options. In her later teens she should also know to go for routine exams and take charge of her health in general and this is something the pediatrician can prepare her for/guide her with.
Having a BF at 16 is not a guarantee of sexual activity, though it should be a data point. We didn't allow the kids to take people of the opposite gender into their rooms, parents had to be home, etc. Maybe old fashioned, but it worked and as far as DH and I are aware, they both waited til they graduated HS.
By the way, a good place to talk is in the car (provided you keep your eyes on the road). She doesn't have to look at you while you chat.
He sounds like a great boy, so why would you limit her time with him? If she's going to have a boyfriend in high school (a normal event), this guy sounds like the right kind of guy.
Your daughter doesn't sound like the kind of girl whose going to have sex on the first date, so, when she starts dating, and you can see that it's going to be a relationship (you will know by three dates), then you take her to the dr. and put her on birth control.
No, it's not giving her permission, it's being realistic and teaching her to be responsible. You have to trust what you've taught her up until now.
I have a 17 yr old Senior and she has had a steady bf for almost 2 yrs and she just recently broke it off with him.
We are tight, very open with conversations, etc. She has some very high goals set for herself. She is on the pill due to horrid menstral cycles that would keep her out of school.
She knows the pill is not 100% as gar as birth control and she is fully aware of STD's, etc. She has always said she is not having sex and I believe her. Even though I believe her, it does not stop me from reminding her when she goes out or when she was alone with him that "you know a baby would throw a huge kink in your plans". I always got the "I know mom".
Bottom line her future plans are what ended the relationship because he was not as goal oriented as she is. She's been raised in a very driven, goal oriented, entreprenural household and that just rubs off naturally to her.
All that said, last spring for cheer tryouts, the girl who she wanted for her little sister in cheer abrubtly left the squad. Word was the dad got transferred. Well, that wasn't true... that girl is 16 and just had a baby in early August. She was pregnant when she tried out for the team.
My daughter was shocked when she found out and she told me... "mom I know a baby is a blessing and very sweet but K just royally screwed up her future. Even though she can finish school, go to college, etc... she will lose opportunites someone like I have because of that choice."
So, I suppose my baby throws a kink remarks paid off so far.
You sound well connected to your daughter, and she doesn't sound like the kind of kid who will lose her bearing in the heat of passion. However, we all know how easily it can happen.
Even with that track record, what I did is what AV below recommends: I scheduled an OB/GYN visit, first, for my daughter. At the time we had a very experienced, woman. While there, I pulled the MD aside and asked her to speak with my daughter and give her the real facts about STDs, unwanted pregnancies, how many young girls she sees in her practice and the devastating results of unprotected sex.
It totally did the trick. When she heard from a professional in the trenches what happens to a women's fertility and such, my daughter steered clear of sexual intimacy. And this is during our time in SoCalif where girls were giving blow jobs in theatres and having anal sex as a substitute for the real thing.
Subsequently, my daughter went on to teach Guatemalan women (and men) about birth control, proper use of condoms, AIDS/HIV, etc through the US Peace Corps.
I had a teen daughter and felt the same way, that I wanted an open dialogue I wanted her to come to me but I did not want to put her on BC and encourage her, it does seem like saying, "Bout time you had sex!"
I just reminded her that BC only prevents unwanted pregnancy and only condoms prevent STDs. I told her (many times) any boy who is not mature enough to buy condoms is not mature enough to have sex.
My daughter didn't have sex until college. I had all the talks, my opinion was known but in the end the choice is hers. She got on our insurance website, she found a gynecologist she was comfortable with, I drove her or she drove herself and I paid for it. That was the extent of my involvement with birth control. That was her choice, she was going to own it without being able to say well mom put me on birth control so that must be her blessing I can have sex.
She is now 22, very responsible, and no grandkids!
I think you have done a great job. I do agree though, that creating limits is good too, curfews, they can't spend every day together after school.... We were also taught how to avoid dangerous situations, such as, not lying together or sitting on his lap while snuggling, no heavy 'petting'... also, kids these days (oh my, did I just say that!?) really consider oral sex safe and more like heavy making out, so be sure not to forget that part of the talk!
As for birth control, it depends on her mentality. Some girls may see it as permission... others may see it as a pre-caution like how you intend, so I like the idea of putting the ball in her court. However, birth control still won't prevent stds, so if you really want to keep her protected too, make sure she understands the importance of condoms. And that if a boy is unwilling to wear them or pressure her, than he is not the right guy for her.
I don't have teen girls but I'm only 25 so I hope it's ok to chime in with my experience when I was 16. I was with a boy that I loved, who I thought felt the same way, it took a very long time for me to finally to decide to have sex with him, my mom was a teen mom and I for sure wasn't about to follow in her foot steps. I was very careful and after while we broke up and I was heart broke. Later started dating someone else, we waited awhile and then had sex, I told my mom and she put me on birth control. Once we broke up and I got my heart broke the second time, since I was on birth control I stopped caring a little and slept with a few guys that yr. I was still careful, but I feel like had I not been on birth control I would have been less likely to have sex with the guys I was not in love with. Luckily it didn't take long before I got back together with the 2nd guy and we are married now :)
But I will always regret that being on birth control made me feel like I could have sex more. I wouldn't put her on birth control unless she is actually thinking about having sex and talks to you about it, otherwise I feel like it is kind of giving your okay in a way.
If you offer her birth control, you are telling her that you know she has no self-control. You are telling her that you believe that having sex outside of marriage is expected. You are telling her that everything else you have said about waiting is just lip-service.
You are promoting the cheapening of the sex act. You are setting her up for the most painful thing a young girl can go through - she will most likely break up with a guy that she gave the most intimate thing to that forges a very strong emotional bond to an immature, selfish, say-whatever-I-have-to-and-get-what-I-want, user of a boy. You are telling her that all the facts about incurable sexually-transmitted diseases that are not protected against with birth control or condoms are actually lies. You are telling her a lie that birth control will keep her from getting pregnant.
Instead, take her to a pregnancy shelter and ask if your daughter can talk to some of the teen moms. Tell her to watch the TV show about teen moms. Then have lots of discussions. Tell her about all the young girls out there who wear purity rings. Talk about how strong she is and that you believe she has what it takes to be one of those amazing young women who decide ahead of time that any boy who wants sex before marriage is not the kind of young man she wants to date. Talk about how great her wedding night will be because she waited. Talk about how great it will be to be married to a man who can control his spending, doesn't make decisions on impulse, ets. because he can demonstrate that the best things in life are worth waiting for.
I am the proud mother of these kind of kids. My daughter handed my husband her purity ring when my husband gave her hand to her groom at the altar. The pastor who married them talked about how beautiful it was to marry a couple who understood what purity was and lived it out. They are two very strong-willed young people that had decided ahead of time to wait, and not make the decision in the heat of the moment. Now, just two years into their marriage they are living within their means, saving up for the future, and making good decisions.
My single, adult son talks about how cheap people have made sex. He thinks that is so sad. He is also sickened by the MANY slutty women out there who have no value of themselves and do not demand to be treated like the princesses they are, giving themselves to self-centered little boys (notice I didn't say "men").
I don't have girls, but I do have teenage boys.
One, I think you are jumping the gun a bit. I would not put her on birth control just because. You have laid a good foundation and you seem to have good communication, and that is key. Trust that you have raised her right.
Second, I, too do not give my kids any privacy. They are under 18. There is no perception of privacy in my house. I snoop away. I have all computer and account passwords.
I would call the boys parents if their relationship develops toward serious, otherwise, keep up the lines of communication, but don't beat a dead horse. I think you are putting too much emphasis on the issue.
Good Luck
