How do I handle this situation? In the past year, there has been a major reduction in force and also several reorganizations at my job. In the past 6 months, I have reported to five different bosses (three or which were later fired!).
I am now in a situation were I am working side by side with a former serious boyfriend. We are at the same job level, but he has worked closely with the current boss previously. I am equally qualified and possibly more knowledgeable about the job. No one that we work closely with know that we have a prior relationship - but other friends in the organization do. This is a big organization - @ 15,000 employees.
Our boss has started to send all communication and projects to my ex boyfriend, for him to share with me and the other employee that shares similar job functions. He also asks my ex to most of the important meetings. My ex always asks for my opinion and ideas on whatever we are working on, and I share them - he then goes to meetings or meets with the boss and passes them on. Although he is NOT intentionally taking credit for my work and ideas (and I have heard him credit me before), my ex is getting all of this praise and acknowledgement for his ideas and solutions (which were mine!).
I dont want to be petty, but in this shifting organization, it is likely that some will be promoted and many will be fired. I feel that getting credit for my is ideas very important.
The only reason that I bring up that he is my ex is because its starting to look like he is being put above me - as my supervisor. Although our relationship was 7 years ago, and although we work well as peers, I dont feel comfortable with him being my supervisor - should we later get in work argument, I dont want our prior relationship muddying the waters. In addition, should I later be promoted (or not fired) based on his opinion, I dont want it to get out that we used to live together, and for people to think that I received special treatment.
What would you do? Would you let your boss know about the previous relationship and let him make the decision? Would you keep quiet and wait to see what happens? Would you do something to try to get credit for your ideas, or would that just make you look petty?
Thanks for your input - I am definitely getting ahead of myself/worrying about things that havent happened yet. I do not think its a good idea for me to be working with my ex - even though we are each married now, there is still chemistry sometimes, and there is also quite a bit of negative history from when things went "bad." Mostly, we just act like we have never known each other out of work, and we definitely always act professionally. We do work really well together, but I am always so aware of the need to watch boundaries.
I'm going to keep working and doing a good job. This organization is in such flux right now that I could really move up/get important experience/become more influential.
The problems I have with having a previous relationship with a current coworker are mine - If I can put those aside, I have alot of opportunities. If I CANT put them aside and move to a different position, I will be missing a great opportunity.
Thanks for your insight.
Since this is such a large organization I would try to keep an eye open for jobs that are similar that are coming open. I would apply for each and every job that looked like I could live with it. That way you might get to go to a different project and find that you are able to do just as good or maybe even better.
Finding some other place within the company might just be the ideal solution. Otherwise expect to be his minion...lol
If the corporation is shifting you need to be communicating with your boss, sharing ideas and doing what you can to toot your own horn. The previous relation with your ex is completely irrelevant at this point (pretty much). The previous working relationship with your boss and your ex is what matters, he has trust in him and knows what he can do. Get in the race, be involved and do your best to give messages that you are the one for the job!!
How are you giving him your ideas? I would put everything in email (even if you've discussed it in person) just to follow up. If it's something you are working on that you know your sup is following then cc your sup in on it. Then I would print out the email and put it in a file so that you will be able to show what you've brought to the company table during the year.
I think your sup is just choosing your ex because he/she is familiar with his style of work. As a sup I can tell you that in meetings I always want info as quickly and efficiently as possible and will exclude those I know will whine and drag the meeting on and on. Fair? Nope but I don't have time to accommodate everyone. As long as he is giving you credit for ideas you should be fine.
As far as him being groomed to be your sup? Well that's kind of beyond your control. Again you should remember that his boss has worked with him so he/she knows what he can do. Since you are a new team member he/she doesn't know your work history as far as hands on working together with you so unfortunately it puts you in a bad position. No I wouldn't say anything about a relationship that ended 7 yrs ago. If you've both been able to work past it then it's a moot point and you should leave it in the past.
Take a step back... Whether your ex is promoted or not, it probably has nothing to do with you.. Also, the relationship was 7 years ago. that is old news.... Additionally, you are putting the cart before the horse.. you don't know if you will be reporting to him or not.. you are already imagining "work arguments" happening... Put your energy and thoughts into positive outcomes.... Keep in mind, a person becomes their thoughts... you think negatively, I believe you will attract as such... Corporations change mgt. all the time , I would just roll with the flow and not over-think the future. in fact, concentrate on the here and now.. I really don't see the point in telling your boss that someone was a former boyfriend. that is your own personal business..
You email the boss back directly with your responses and ideas instead of informally going through your ex as the liaison.
Do not mention the prior relationship!!
What would I do? Start looking for another job.
Would I let my boss know about the previous relationship? No way. This will only appear immature and petty, no matter your motivation for doing so.
Would I keep quiet and see what happens? Yes, while looking for another job!
Would I do something to try to get credit for my own ideas? To a point. More strenuous efforts to do so WILL look petty! Team playing is VERY important in corporate America.
The handwriting is on the wall, your ex most likely WILL become your supervisor at some point. Start looking, if you absolutely REFUSE to "work under" him in the future. For now, keep your head down, do your job to best of your ability and continue to share ideas!
Why should your Boss have to know about your PREVIOUS relationship with your co-worker?
2) Your Boss... has, on his own, has decided to use your "Ex" as his point person. For whatever reason... your Boss perhaps connects with or likes this person as the point person of the team. So therefore that is what your Boss has done.
I am sure, others, just like you, might feel the same way and also want to jockey for a better position and get credit for it etc.
But, this is also your Bosses problem and creation.
And now your Ex, sure... he feels more respected by the Boss... because the Boss is treating him as his point person.
If you want to question the Boss as to WHY your Ex is his point-person and not you... well, the Boss might get a little confused, because it probably is not being done on purpose... but you would like to tell the Boss that he is 'wrong?"
And, no matter what, it has NOT been formerly designated, that your Ex is a "Supervisor," right?
If anything, just ask your Boss "How did you like my idea for Project A, in which I said...." and tell the Boss. Y.o.u.r.S.e.l.f
You don't have to let only your Ex, tell your Boss things. Right?
Or send your Boss an e-mail. This would also then create documentation of it and your ideas.
DOCUMENT all of "your" accomplishments and ideas.
But with ideas, anyone can claim them.
Or, talk to your Ex about it.
Or don't tell your Ex, any ideas anymore. Since the "Boss" is indirectly giving him credit, for it. If your Boss is indirectly giving your Ex credit for it... it is not your Ex's fault.
Your Ex is only the carrier pigeon.
If anything, maybe just have a meeting with your Boss??? About your ideas and performance.
And the thing is, maybe people do already know that you and your Ex had a relationship.
Those things are hard to keep secret.
What a tangled web.
Your Boss, makes his/her own decisions.
Not your Ex.
Hey - I'm not sure how to answer your relationship questions, but if your ex asks you for information/thoughts, I would say, "Let me think about it and get back to you." Then, send him an email with your thoughts and copy your manager/boss or other people on the team. That way, there is an email trail, record of your thoughts.
Good luck!
L.
I would say the next time you co worker asks your opinion you give it to him via email and document YOUR ideas ... also keep the previous relationship out of it. I would talk to your new boss and ask if you can set up a meeting to go over your path. Tell him you have goals and plans and that with the change in the line up you would like to discuss them with him and see what if any of your current goals need change or adjustment. He will see that you are a go getter, you want to be a part of his team and maybe, he will "include" you more as well. I agree that he may be going with comfort over quality as well - sexual harrassment runs rampant in offices, I have often seen management sub conciously choose someone of the same gender to be their right hand earned or not.
You have a great course of action for recognition, but I see a potential HR issue here if, I mean if, he does get promoted to be your supervisor.
I assume you all told HR about your personal relationship when it began and ended 7 years ago? Even if in different departments, that is preferred so they know not to transfer you together, etc.
If not, no biggie, but I would go talk to HR about the previous relationship to protect you and your mobility. Being very clear that there is no current relationship, at the time (7 years ago) it didn't warrant a discussion due to structure, but that today there is unease with him supervising you.
UNLESS you think that makes you vulnerable for losing your position, etc.
Just a thought. . .
