Frazzled Mother of 15 Month Old and 1 Month Old Wondering How to Juggle Two...

My sister shared this info with me from a child development class she took, when you have 2 small children, you should meet the needs of the older one first. Assuming that the younger one is not in danger, you know, be smart, assess the importance of each need, but the infant will not remember you helping the older one, but you can bet that the older one will pick up on always being pushed aside so you can help the baby. Good luck, and know this, it's still hard even if your kids are spaced further apart! :)

I've had to let the newborn (now 3 months) scream for a while. May drive you crazy, but you have to get work/dinner/stuff done and you only have so many hands. Can you try to encourage the older boy to 'help' you with the baby? Maybe have something for him to do that keeps him in the room with you so you can supervise while feeding/changing the baby. Or get more baby gates and really restrict his movements about the house.

I can't offer any advice on discipline...I'm struggling with it with my 4 1/2 year old. Maybe just firm, and super consistent rules. Don't cry wolf over and over. First time (or if you have a 3 strikes you're out policy, the third time) he does something wrong, apply the punishment. My husband is a firm believer that a spanking has to be an option and have that out on the table - but that's in relation to an older child. 15 months may be too small. Also, make sure the discipline is 'at that time.' I found myself saying 'if you get out of bed tonight, you won't go to the park with Billy on Thursday.' Doesn't work - when's Thursday? He didn't have the park with Billy right now so 'taking it away' doesn't mean much.

And remember, it will get better. March was rough for me when my son was 1 month and the 2 and 4 year old were just trying to figure things out with their new brother. Three months later and everyone's sleeping better, acting right and life is generally easier. GOOD LUCK!

First thing -- stop using the High chair for timeouts. He won't want to eat in it soon.

Get a pack and play or gate off one room and put him in there when you have to take off for the baby.

use one area only for timeouts. a small chair or even on the floor, let the toddler know by no uncertain terms what the rules are and what behavior is expected. It will make it easier in the long run.

you may have to keep going after him during the timeout but keep it up. My daughter didn't like the timeouts so her behavior improved. If she got out of the timeout area I would pick her up and put her back into it without saying a word.

also take both children outside and let them run for about 1 hour at least to tire them out.

Hi Mimi, I totally feel for you. I had my 2nd child when my son was only 16 months old. It was definitely hard. I was lucky enough to be living with my parents because my husband was overseas deployed. My mom and dad helped keep my son busy while I was nursing my daughter and my mom would keep an eye on my daughter while I was playing with my son. It's a big adjustment for your little one, going from being the center of attention to being the big brother. After I moved back to be with my husband, I hired a mommy's helper. It gets easier as the baby gets older and doesn't have to be fed every three hours. You're tired from night feedings, and then to have two children constantly vying for your attention. Maybe you can find a babysitter for a couple of hours a day so you can take a shower or just take a nap. It's okay to need help. You don't have to be a super mom.

Hi Mimi, I feel for you! My daughters are 16 months apart and we are two weeks away from having another, which will also be 16 months apart from the youngest. It is hard. I suspect harder than twins. It can be very draining so first, know that you are not alone and that your feelings are totally normal. There are still days I completely melt down :) I would suggest a couple of things. First, have a place in your home that is totally childproofed where the toddler can be free to roam if you need to tend to the baby. Are you nursing? My oldest knew exactly when to push my buttons and get into things she was not allowed, which was when I would sit to nurse the baby. Also, I don't think 15 months is too young for a timeout but it should be short and consistent. Even, if at the beginning, it does not seem to work, he will soon understand what consequences are. Hang in there, it can be trying. If you can afford one, a mother's helper is a great idea. We just recently hired one and I wish I had done it a year ago, it makes all the differnce in the world. Good luck!

Believe it or not, my lactation consultant informed me having two children 15 months apart is worse than twins. You have a toddler into everything and a screaming newborn like you describe. I would recommend gating off the area where you all spend the most time (den or toyroom), so that you can limit how much your toddler is getting into. You will have constant supervision of him while you attend to the baby. Of course, he understands everything you say. LOL! However, I always thought 15 months was the worst point with both of my boys. It steadily gets better at about 18 months, and by the time you reach 2 1/2 it is calm in comparison. All of this sounds so familiar. Time out doesn't work for all children. FOr example, at that age, my son would do what he wanted to do, then sit himself in timeout, because the behavior was worth it. Sooo....you just do the best you can. You may want to do timeout in his room where he can't manipulate you. Make sure he is isolated with no contact while he is being punished. Make it a safe designated space that you can leave him alone and he won't get hurt. Try that and see how it goes. At 15 months they are really just testing you. Be sure to only discipline for things that really matter. Otherwise, you'll have him in time out constantly. What helped for me too was having some alone time with my son while the baby slept. He acted out a lot just for attention. I would take him outside when my other son slept in the afternoons. Outside time is really important for them. It burns some energy and boys love it.

Hi Mimi,

Great advice from the other 2 moms!
My older 2 boys are 17 months apart with baby #3 coming (due in November) 2 1/2 years after #2. These years are busy and it's absolutely okay for you to feel frazzled! You are just adjusting to life with a busy toddler and a newborn ... anyone would feel frazzled. I barely remember the first 6 months of my second son's life b/c it was such a blur.
I think having a SUPER child proofed home is key. Then you can feel a little better about #1 maybe "getting in to stuff" but at least not in any danger. Gates on the stairs and in the kitchen entryway were my salvation!
Also, sometimes you just have to let the baby cry ... it's not going to hurt him emotionally or psychologically as long as his needs are met and it sounds like you have been doing everything you can to meet his needs and more!
It's awesome that your husband is so supportive. I know that helps a ton. The only other advice I can give is to utilize his support on the weekends. You are so consumed with taking care of the new baby that it's good to try to have some "special time" just you and your #1 son when Daddy can help with the newborn. That also gives Dad a chance to bond with the new baby.
Just know that you are not alone and the first 6 months of a new baby's life are very consuming. When your new son starts to get on a regular schedule you will find that things slowly settle down and you can really enjoy life with both of them. Take some time for yourself, too when they both take their long daytime naps.

Good luck! It is WONDERFUL being a Mommy to 2 cute little boys who are so close in age.

My kids were 17 months apart, which I am sure makes a little difference.

But what worked for me was an incredibly child-proofed house. In fact I had the kids limited to the dinning room (converted to a playroom) and the living room (I had a gate at the entrance to a galley kitchen (so they could see me but stay away from my feet). When my little girl was a baby I actually needed 2 playpens for a while. One for her and one for her brother when he would not listen and just needed to calm down. I would put him in there with a few books a lovey and a blanket. That was his quiet spot to settle down and get himself under control. worked great. Don't worry about him enjoying his "timeout" he is enjoying the attention and the structure you are giving him by placing limits on his behavior. I always set the timer for 20 min at least once a day during my daughters naps to play only with my oldest son. It gets easier you just need to get through these next few months.

Oh and I always read books to them while feeding the baby....That tended to keep my son out of trouble.

Rochelle

I'm not in your position because my kids are almost 4 years apart. However, I have a 16-month old, and even that is very challenging with another child around.

First, I would say have nope, because in a couple more months you will have the nap an dnightime sleeping under control!!!

Second, pick a room maybe near the kitchen, childproof and barricade, set uup a pack n play or 2, and be prepared to spend you day there. Pack a basket with water for yourself, a sippy cup and snacks for the toddler, etc. Don't expect, especially in month 1, to be supermom doing it all.Position your self at child level on the floor and just give them lots of attention. It keeps the mess from spreading, and limits the time you have to be up and away from the kids and the toddler can keep an eye on you.

I don't believe in timeouts, I don't think they are very effective or educational - I think they are punative. In our home, we redirect, remove toys, or stop an activity that is causing problems. And even in cases where timeouts seem to help, I think 15 months is too young. However, if you need your toddler to be safe and secure for a few minutes, by all means stick him in the high chair or the pack n play or crib. I think 5 minutes of crying is better than the chaos of a loose toddler.

Also, have you thought about getting a mother's helper. Since it's summer, you could find a teenager or college student to help. Have her come over at toddler nap time, so you can get him down for some sleep. I think if you can keep his sleep schedule on track, that will help you considerably. She could just be an extra set of hands and a playmate, not a babysitter. I was a mother's helper when I was 12-13 and basically just played with the baby after school so Mom could make dinner.

Lots of good advice here. In addition, I would STRONGLY suggest getting a sling or some type of comfortable baby carrier. Babies that are carried around tend to cry less, and it will make it easier for you to keep up with your older child and still have your hands free to deal with the problems that arise -- quickly!

Hi Mimi. I didn't read the other responses that you recieved. I was in the same boat as you, however my boys are only 1yr and 2 wks apart. Luckily our oldest seemed to be very understanding (somehow) about what was going on. It was weird. Any who, I tried to include the oldest in everything I did for the youngest, from feeding to diaper changes to playing. When I had to pump (he wouldn't latch on), I'd ask him (oldest) if he could play with him (youngest), while mommy was busy. And he was all for it. Don't get me wrong, It wasn't always peaches and cream, but we figured out what was best for us. Even though they are older now, I still feel it is unbalanced sometimes. They are 2 and 3 now, and I feel like all they do is argue over toys and us (the parents). But I try to remember thses time won't last forever, so I better enjoy them now. Good Luck with ur two guys. They truely are a joy.

Sounds like your 15 month old maybe going through some anxiety and frustration with a new baby in the house to have to share you. I was in this exact same boat several years ago (my 2 boys are 14 1/2 months apart) and although it was really hard at the time, it does get better. I just tried to spend quality time with just my older one when the newborn would be napping. Also, I tried doing things with both of them like going to the park or Chuck e cheese or maybe even have a little friend come over and invite the mom to stay for some company so you don't feel like you are "babysitting" another little person! Who knows, maybe getting to know another mom would end up being beneficial and she would have some great advice and could give some help. Good luck - I know it's tiring and alot of work but it is worth it!

Do you have a sling or a mobywrap so you can bodywear the infant and have hands-free for the older child? Afterall, the 15 month old is also still a baby. For that matter, try a back carrier at times for the toddler. For different reasons, they both can get security from close contact and that physical time with you. Also work on clear communication / good eye contact skills with the 15 month old that can carry over when you are busy with the infant.
RS

Lots of good answers for the 15 month old. I would def get a good two shoulder baby carrier for hte baby so you can have your hands free to be with your 15 month old. There arew many very good comfortable ones (and many you can nurse on the go in). Take a look at some at www.handsfreebaby.com
K.