Friend's Discipline Seems Harsh...??

I am very direct and my family calls me tough love. I would definitely bring it up. However, since you haven't brought it up immediately when you have seen it, your friend may question why you haven't brought it up before. I would talk to her in person vs. the phone and tell her there is something you need to get out in the open. Tell her you understand that she loves her baby, wants to protect her child and is correcting behavior that she doesn't approve of. Then just share your philosophy and why you don't believe in physical discipline. Offer her specific examples of when you observed her tapping her daughter's hand/butt, then offer her advice on how she might have handled it differently. I have this converstion often with my sister who had three children, only in her case it's verbal comments not physical. She almost always becomes defensive and tells me I'm not raising three children, I redirect our conversation to how the children and her parenting will be better because of no physical discipline and make her children feel respected and not talked down to. I think you can definitely get your point across without losing your friendship. I'm glad that you are a parent who doesn't believe in physical discipline. Also keep in mind that your friend may be tapping because she may have been raised that way and most often when we become parents we naturally fall into parenting as we were parented. She may not fully believe in spanking herself, but not know any other way.
Good luck to you be as tactful as you can, because it is your friend's daughter that will come up benefitting from this conversation.

There is no nice way to put it. You two have different parenting views and that can be a heated subject. Trying to push your views on her would put her off just as much as it would you if she tried to make you see that "light taps" was the way to go. If she is truly a good friend, then you need to just be honest with her. It's not fair to just play the avoiding game.

Trying to think of a tactful way to put it? Maybe you can just tell her that you two have different parenting views and you are not comfortable with the "light taps" in front of your son.

If you don't mind hanging out when your son is with his father, then tell her that.

It might not be taken well, so be prepared to lose a friendship. But maybe you two can look past your parenting styles and find a way to keep the friendship. Good luck.

OMG! I would totally feel the same way. Egad!
I don't know of a "nice" way to tell her... probably she may get offended in either manner of way you tell her.

Hmmmm.... she seems to have deep seated thoughts on "discipline" and child rearing, which your mention of a parenting class you took, did not sink in with her.

Sometimes, friends are outgrown... and one must move on. There are phases in life, and roads of maturity and growth that we all take... and we either change or not, for better or for worse.

The key thing is... this may be one of those times. There is a fork in the road, and you either maintain casual politeness or just move on, and tell her how you feel... framing it in a palatable way. Somehow. Maybe she will understand, maybe not...

Or, there is the ol' avoidance thing... and over time... then it becomes a non-issue. That is how people lose touch with each other, too. No contact. That is how a guy gives the "heave ho" to a girl, right? Telling her "I'll call you..." and then never does. But then, the other may get resentful of false promises....

Sorry I don't have a great answer... but true, they say honesty is best... especially if she has been considered a "good friend" and at least give the respect for it. But since she is a good friend... you then should be able to speak to her about it and tell her how you feel... and then the issue discussed. If you cannot do this with her... then she is not really a "great" friend....and is a friend with censoring. A situational friend. Not an unconditional friend who is there no matter what.

This is a hard one. I had that happen once... she was not a "good" friend, but a friend. Eventually, we just lost touch with each other. We still bump into each other... and are cordial, but no hard feelings, but it's just an "oh well" kind of thing... .and we both "know" that we just didn't mesh enough to stay in touch or have enough in common. C'est la vie.

I guess, the thing is, is if you still value her friendship... or if seeing her discipline her kids this way has put a "different" feeling in you, about her? And if you still "like" her in light of and despite these things you now know about her? And, can it be overlooked, overall? Would you still enjoy her company and friendship, still? Or want to keep her in your company?

All the best,
Susan

It does sound harsh. I'm glad you were able to talk to her. From the sound of her response, it seems she was doing the arm jerking and swatting because she didn't know what else to do.

Since she seems open to other solutions and said she was willing to read some books on more gentle parenting, may I reccomend "The Discipline Book" by Dr. Sears? You're probably already familiar with this, but in case you aren't, it's an excellent book and definitely promotes gentle and respectful parenting.

Gentle parenting does not equal permissive parenting. Some people confuse the two. Rather, gentle parenting seeks to guide the children to learn to make the right decisions on their own without having an angry parent looming over them threatening a switch all the time. That looming parent won't be there forever, so teaching children to make good decisions and behave because it's the right thing to do and not because they'll get in trouble if they don't fosters healthier and better adjusted adults.

Good luck!

Use the next opportunity you talk to her on the phone to tell her how much you like the parenting class you are taking and why. Go on for as long as she will let you. If she changes the subject tell her you have to go and you’ll call her again. Work this subject in the next time you talk and in the future. Either she will learn from what you are telling her or she will confront you with her point of view. The point is, you believe in disciplining children the way you do because it is a better way to do so, not because you have something against her. Make this conversation about you and what you have learned and believe in. If she takes offense because your beliefs are different, so be it. Or, if she’s remains clueless, point out how you discipline your own child from what you learned from the class while you are doing the discipline. If none of this makes an impact and as a last resort, point out the technique of discipline you learned in the class just when she finishes dishing out her own method. She will either learn a better way to be a parent by being around you or she will be the one avoiding you. Either way, you won’t have to worry about it any further.

Hi Deanna, I think in this case you should apoligize, her dicipline is not wrong, well pulling her by the arms is not cool, but God designed discipline a long time ago, parents have thrown it out and replaced it with time outs and giving in, and then write into mamasourse, about their child screeming if they don;t ghet whgt they want, or hitting and pulling mom,s hair, taking clothes out of th drawers and throwing them on the floor, kids won't stay in their beds, I mean it goes on and on, authority in th home is a must, there's a right way and a wrong way to get that. A swat on the butt is not hitting, ifshe disciplines her child and you don't see what the difference will be in the next couple years. I know this is late, but I was in the hospital for a while, and am now home recuperating. J. L.