Friend Wants Me to Be Jealous!

I think you should not be friends with her anymore. she sounds like someone that likes to try and bring you down. There is not enough time in a person's life to have a friend like that. Just because you have been friends since childhood, it sounds like you grew up and she did not! People change and so do our friends. P.S> I should take my own advice..LOL

Good Luck!

Hello M.:

Well you ask if this friendship is even worth keeping..and my first thought was...no. But I'm not in your shoes, so I can't exactly say that. It sounds like your friend has very low self esteem and the only way she can feel good about herself is if she can put you down to build herself up. The fact that she wants you to be jealous or have a lower life (in regards to the trailer) just shows that she is not really a good friend. A good friend wants you to have all of the great things in life. A house, an SUV, healthy children....like you said, this isn't high school. I would suggest that you either sit her down and really have a heart to heart, if you want to save the friendship. If you feel there is no light at the end of the tunnel with her, simply pull back. Call in once a month or so, that way, your not completely "ditching" her..ya know. It just doesn't sound like you are gaining anything from this. A friend supports you, is there for you when you need a shoulder to cry on, there to celebrate when you "upgrade" your life. Well, I wish you luck with everything!! :)

What you've described is a woman who is very insecure and uses your life as a standard by which her own success is measured. You might have hit it on the head when you said, "I feel like we're still in junior high, only worse..." And you're right, it is worse, because she has never emotionally left junior high.

Let me be frank... you can't change her and you can't make her grow up. It sounds as if you have outgrown this “friendship.” In college I became friends with someone who behaved similarly. When life was treating me well, my “friend” denounced the things that made me happy or proud of myself. If things were going poorly for me, she took the opportunity to make me feel worse. She used all of her efforts to tear me down, rather than to make herself a better person. I forgave years of this behavior from her thinking that I owed it to her out of respect for our common history. I ended the friendship when I realized that sharing a common history doesn’t mean the friendship has a future.

People grow apart, as you two apparently have. It’s not pleasant, but it’s a fact of life. You’re not guilty of anything but becoming a mature adult, and you’re not responsible for her emotional immaturity. I recommend letting this friendship fade, or at least limiting your contact with her. True friends are those who lift you up, not drag you down. Please don’t fool yourself into thinking that if you’re just more supportive, or understanding, or gracious to her that she’ll change. If your good example of friendship hasn’t made an impression on her so far, it most likely never will.

Hi M.-
I am probably not saying anything that has not already been said but this "friend" sounds like way too much work. I don't know about you but I have four kids and I am sure with you having three your free time is precious and I do not think this friend sounds like she is worth spending your precious free time with or thinking or worrying about what she might say or do or think. Obviously no one can tell you what to do exactly because only you know how important or unimportant this friend is to you but it does not sound like she adds anything but stress to your life and she does not sound like a good example for your kids either. Good luck in your choice and remember there are others out there worth your time and you might missing out on a great freindship because of this "friend" monopolizing your time.

First of all, I think you know this is not your problem, it's hers. If you can get a way from her or limit your contact with her, I would. These kind of people are toxic. It's so hard because I have a friend who is like this and I know her history enough to know that it stems from her mother. I won't bore you with the details but she can't help that she is the way she is. However, with my friend, she has curbed her jealousy with me and it is now directed at those mom's whose children are in direct "competition" with her kids. We have babies the same age and I wouldn't tell her his accomplishments for the same reason you've mentioned. I don't think you can change someone like that because I don't think they know they are doing it - AND I believe they justify it in their own minds - so it's not worth confronting her. Personally, I pray for my friend (I'm not super religous but this has helped me soooo many times with different toxic personalities) Good luck to you.

I had this samae issue with a friend of mine. I couldn't do anything and she either not copy it or getting something similar. There is obviously something that you have that your friend don't. Friends do not do these kinds of things to eachother. A friend is suppose to be happy for you when you get that new car, have your baby, get a new house etc... But this is obviously not the case at this point. Also as you being her friend and you apparently notice this quite often, I would ask her about it. But of course you have to do it an way that will not offend her so much. If that doesn't work I would just keep her at a distance. This is what I do with my friend. I talk to her but i do not hang out with her like I use to. Hope this helps.

I would have to agree with Meghan. A friend is someone you enjoy being with and relate to. I think it is time to move on. I am not one for confrontation, so I would just explain your feelings and mention as you said above, 'that you are two different people who make totally different decisions in life.'
It won't be pretty, but you are doing what is best. Good luck.

Dear M.,

It's good to sit down and vent and ask for advice... Now, sit down and vent it all out to her. Even do it in writing if it makes you feel better. I too have a friend that I've been friends with for 23 yrs. There have been numerous times things like that have been said to me. Our first house after we got married she said "I wouldn't of bought in that neighborhood, isn't that house kind of small?" Six months later she bought the identical house five miles away! I've been married eleven years, with two children.
She has two children also, and their ages are spaced apart exactly like mine... I could go on and on! Thirteen years ago, I was on a first date with my husband and we met her and other friends out that evening. I was wearing a sundress (size 6), and she walked up...patted me on the belly and said "Suck it in!" IN FRONT OF HIM. I didn't mention she's at least fifty pounds heavier then me!

Someone once said this to me. If you can count your "FRIENDS" on one hand, you are doing better than most! The older I get the more I find that is true!

Best of luck!
J. C.

I think how you deal with her greatly depends on how much you honestly value her friendship now, and what exactly she says to you and what you can say to her when she is "one-upping" you. If you can actually tell her "it's not a competition, we should be happy for each other" when things come up, then it may be worth keeping the friendship. If not, then you are spending way too much time worrying about a girl who doesn't really want the best for you, is immature, and needs to grow up. Honestly think about how much time you have to deal with this drama and then decide if it is worth the investment. You may decide to pull back from the friendship a bit. Honestly, I think you already made your decision. You said you bought your SUV over 5 months ago, but you haven't seen her because you are avoiding her. It sounds like you are already trying to pull away from her, and I don't blame you.
Best wishes.

Honestly, a friend is happy for you when you succeed at life and is there for you when you need help. I think she is neither and it seems to me that she is more of a burden than a friend. If you can't be yourself around her, than it isn't worth it. Next time she gets upset at something, let it go. Don't try to make up to her, maybe she'll get the hint. You are right, you aren't in middle school and shouldn't have to act that way.

I have people in my life that are very similar to your friend and she was actually my best friend and maid of honor. Now I talk to her once a month or so and that is through email. I didn't want someone like that in my life ( I have enough going on w/o it) so I decided to cut her off and anyone else who wasn't positive. I distanced myself and kept myself busy and over time we drifted naturally bc of it. I didn't completely eliminate her from my life, but she really isn't a part of it anymore. I don't invite her to parties (which she now wants to come to since she has a child, but didn't care for the last 6 years), but I do call and email. I think if you can live w/o the close friendship then you will be happier not dealing with all of that. If you are really going to miss the friendship ( I am relieved to have stopped mine its a lot less stress) then you are probably going to have to live with how she is bc she prob. isn't going to change.

I agree with many of the others on here. But at the same time u hv to keep in mind that ur moms r close and u'v been friends for so long. So if u start a fight (any kind of talking will upset a person with feelings like that) It will start alot a mess with both familys. I dont think u need that kind of a friend. So i would just start distancing urself from her. Emails and calls maybe few far between visits. Then that way ur not stiring the pot with others involved. Plus i'd talk to ur mom. Im sure she knows many of the stories over time and ask her opition. That really would matter to ur mother since she will hv a friendship at steak too. Goodluck. I hope u can find a more positive friendships for urself
R.

Honestly, it doesn't sound like there is much of a friendship there, or, one even worth salvaging. In a real frienship, you shouldn't have to compete, or be afraid to have things...a real friend would be supportive and happy for you. It sounds like the only reason you have ever been friends is because your moms are so close. I wouldn't even bother, and if she asks you point blank one day what is wrong, just be honest with her and leave it at that. I am sure she will deny ever being jealous, and will more than likely put the blaim back on you, so just let it go. It's not worth the aggrivation.

Hey M. My Name is C. I'm 31 a married mom of 2 daughters ok well im going to be really honest here this girl is not what you call a friend.. I know that you two have history and all but hunny if you can't talk to her,confide in her about simple things I can't imagine you can talk to her about serious things. I have a hard time letting go of friends to even if its for an obvious reason such as yours. I think you already know what your solution is you just want someone else to tell you so that way it doesnt seem so bad. and Im sure you couldnt talk to her about this nor could you tell her why you can no longer be friends because she would either be in denial about it or she would get defennsive and not hear you out. I would just stay away from her and when she asks be honest with her You should be able to share your good fortune with your friends not have to hide it from them what does that say to your kids ya know? Feel free to get ahold of me on messenger..behindthesehazeleyes75.. I would love to talk to you more about this if you need to.

M.,

This sounds like a very unhealthy friendship to have. I have had a similar experience with one of my friends. She ended up being jealous because I got pregnant so it took time away from me being with her (no more smoking and drinking together). She also had to always one up me on everything. I finally had to sit her down and explain that this was not a healthy situation. Unforunately it was not an easy thing to do, but it made me feel better because I finally got it out there. I had to spend some time away from her while she stewed about what we talked about. Of course she denied everything, but she eventually stopped trying to one up me on everything and calmed down. Some people have a hard time growing out of that high school/junior high mind set, unfortunately. I hope taht this situation turns around for you especially since you both have been friends for so long. Good luck!

I feel that I should respond to this, as I too have had people do some of the similar things to me. I actually have a SIL (my BIL's wife) who does this to me constantly. I live my life how I live my life.

I can say that on your friend's end - I agree with the low self-esteem and the wanting to be more like you. That is something you can't change, it is more something she has to know SHE has to change.

I have had many friends who have come in and out of my life. I am ok with that because I am comfortable with who I am. I am growing and achieving more every day, working on my business (which my friends don't approve of), but you know what? In the end...they will not have to worry about what I am doing. Because I am doing it for me and not them.

I have let a lot of friendships "fizzle" if you will, for the fact it isn't something that I want to change in them, it is something that I want to change in me. I have heard this phrase that if there is something that you don't like and it bothers you, change it. Sometimes that means you may have to change your friends. I have come to that realization lately myself.

I wish you the best.
K.

OMG!!! I thought I was the only one who knew someone like this! Seriously since the day I met (we'll call her) Betty, she has been competing with me and my family. Our husbands work together. She only comes to my daughters birthday parties to make sure hers are better. We moveed to certain part of town... they moved there. I bought a mini van.... she bought a mini van. I just had another child... now she is talking about tricking her husband into getting her pregnant (he doesn't want another child). I'm a consultant for a company that sell stuff at those home parties.. she signed up at the same time, without EVER using anythig we sell!

I thought I was insane. I'm glad to know I'm not the only one with someone like this around. I'm not competing... I don't care. I don't know why our 'friends' can't just be happy for us insteading of making this weird.

My xsil was like that! I couldn't ever get along with her because of it. Everytime I had a baby, she got pregnant. Everything i bought, she had to buy but better. Everything my kids did, my nephews did better. Thank goodness she is out of my life now! I would write this cook out of your life!

You're right this is high school behavior,and she sounds very controling too! Growing up my sister was very competitive with me, to the point it was sick at times, and to this day she still is, but lives out of state so it's few and far between now.i'm a blonde, slender build and tall, she's short, burnette, and always had trouble with her weight to a certain extent, but my response was god made me this way and you should except who you are too?? Sounds like you've been friends with her for along time, but maybe it's time to look for some new friends who aren't jealous of you, and what you have, but proud for you! I can't change who my sister is, but if i had that kind of friend i may? As life goes on we find it's best to have positive people in our lives, and no ones perfect, but if you tell yourself not to go out of your way to associate with negative ones the best you can you'll surely have a less stressful, happy life. I often wondered how my sister would except a pretty daughter in her life, especially as she'll be getting older, and her daughter will always be younger to be jealous of?? She has one now (about 8) we'll see?? Sounds like you have a pretty normal, happy life, why let this friend bother you,or the life you're trying to have? Some people never change!
Good luck!

I have dealt with similar people who have a "keeping up with the Joneses" kind of attitude, and I know it can be exhausting. I have a couple of ways of looking at it. You can either continue down this path with her, and guard your every move around her for fear of hurting her feelings, etc. or you can look at this from the standpoint of whether or not she is a true friend. I realize that you've been friends for a VERY long time, but I think you still have the right to determine whether or not she is a good friend. Considering the fact that good friends should be happy for you when things go well and should want to share in the joy of such events, perhaps she actually is NOT a good friend. I recently ended a 22 year friendship for similar reasons and it was not easy, but I now feel better knowing that I don't have that added stress in my life, of worrying whether or not I will anger her. You and I both have more important people to worry about (those adorable children who depend upon us to be their stability), so if you are always giving to this friendship, and never getting anything back (and by that, I mean anything like emotional support or a listening ear), then perhaps you should talk to her about that fact. I kind of rambled on here, but please do what's best for you! Some people cannot see past their own nose, and she really sounds like one of those.