Girl Afraid of Strangers

This is a normal developmental stage called "stranger anxiety". This is the age it usually appears. Don't worry about it. Just act as you normally would people you are interacting with, and she'll take her cues from you. Don't try to force or cajole her into being friendly/interacting with someone she doesn't want to interact with. Be patient.

A little about me - A child and adolescent psychiatrist in Palo Alto, practicing 16 years. 22 years married, two kids 20 &14.

She's NORMAL.
This is a stage... of development. And will occur then subside and may recur per the age of the child and developmental progress.

A child professional once told me, that it is GOOD that a baby/child does this.... it is normal. BUT, if a child never does this, then THAT would be a concern and a developmental abnormality.

Do not 'force' her to be 'friendly' with people/strangers.
At this age and even in Toddlers... their emotions are not even fully developed yet... thus, you cannot expect "adult" parameters of socialization to occur, in a baby or young child.
It is good... she does this. It is Instinct. You are her Mom... and "safety" for her and bonding.

If my kids as babies did NOT want to be held or go to someone... I told that person... no.

When my kids were babies and toddlers, I never.... forced or expected them to be friendly, with people if they did not want to. I want them to develop... their own "radars" for people... good or bad.
My daughter for example, now has an astounding 'sense' of who is 'off' or unsafe or dangerous. She can tell.... and has good instincts.

Anyway, your baby is very normal, and per her age.
Her reactions... are good.

I recommend the books: "What To Expect The First Year" and, "What To Expect The Toddler Years."

DO NOT.... try to make her "popular and brave" when meeting strangers. This is the WRONG message... to teach a child.
Always go by your child's personality... AND sense of safety... per strangers too.
My Daughter, even now, will NOT talk to anyone... that she gets a 'weird' vibe from. AND she is often... correct about the person. I am... PROUD of her. I do not force my kids, to be all friendly and/or 'brave' just for strangers.

all the best,
Susan

Its totally normal. Dont you know kids arent supposed to talk to strangers?

she should be afraid of strangers. she's 9 months. your goals are more for a 5-6 yr old!

Hi there,

I know how you feel, but it is normal and healthy for a baby or child to be afraid of strangers. Our little girl is almost 3 1/2 and she is still a bit afraid of strangers. I'm glad she is because it's safer for her to want to stick close to me and her Daddy!

You have a smart, aware, normal little girl. Please don't push her to be with others if she is not comfortable. It is our job as parents to protect them, especially when they feel afraid. Supporting her now will make her more confident and maybe outgoing later. You never know what her personality will be like when she's older, and you can't and shouldn't change it anyway. :)

She'll just have to grow out of it someday. It's a normal stage.

Why do you want her to be "popular" and "brave" when meeting strangers? It's a good thing for her to be a little apprehensive. If the stranger is someone know and that you really want her to be comfortable and happy with, it's your job to turn that stranger into a 'friend'. This will take some time, and in the meantime it may be that your little one will experience a bit of distress. For instance, the 'stranger' is a relative or friend of yours, or a daycare person, who will be watching your little girl for a few hours. She may well cling to you and cry because she doesn't want to be left with this stranger. That's OK. Just be sure the person you are leaving her with has the fortitude to be calm, loving and reassuring while perhaps listening to her cry for some time. A child usually will settle in within fifteen or so minutes and be calm, if not actually happy.
If the stranger is simply that... a stranger to you and to your little girl... you really don't need for her to be all outgoing to that person. Most people will know that this is a natural and appropriate stage of childhood, and will not assume that your little girl is unfriendly. Don't force her to 'be nice' to a true stranger. In fact, don't force her to be nice to a friend of yours who is a stranger to her. If that person doesn't understand, explain it to them, and if they don't seem to accept the fact that her reaction is normal, don't worry about it. Your daughter's well-being is your only concern, not how others may view her reaction to them.

This is the age of stanger anxiety & attachment. Helping her remain secure & well adjusted is more important that popularity or being brave. Actually being brave could mean ignoring the boundaries that her nature is saying it needs. If you want her to know her know appropriate boundaries in the future, then support and allow her to prefer her primary relationships for now. It's okay to say, "she's not comforable" or "she doesn't really go to others, right now." She will warm up on her own & also learn how to follow her own boundaries.

JY, I am sure that you will understand that at age 9 months a childs world is centered around mom, dad, extended family that they see regular and anyone else is a unknown and that it is to much for them. This is a baby and has no idea of being brave. At somepoint you have to see that she is protected from strangers as there are many who are not safe. So you may be pushing it a bit early.
I have to tell you that we never encourage our children to be willing to just freely talk to people without us right there to supervise. Our 3yo will hide behind me if she is approached by even Aunts and Uncles before she is ready to say hi to them.

Your little girl will probably look to you for the appropriate re-action. When my son was very young, I would hold him as I was hugging the stranger w/ a big open smile and a lot of enthusiam, before handing him over.
Later, when he could understand my words, and we were at a fam. re-union, I told him that everyone in the room was a cousin, aunt or uncle, and they all loved him and he could go to any of them.
He wandered round the room until one of my husbands cousins just picked him up and cuddled him for about half an hr. while an uncle was making a speech.
He sat in his cousin's arms, very contentedly for that half hr.

Relax! She's just a baby. This is normal and appropriate. You have many years ahead to encourage her to be confident with many different people and circumstances.

When I go to visit friends with my 11 month old son I hold him for a bit. Let him see and hear that who I am talking with is a good person. During the first 5 minutes, sometimes more, we talk with him and each other. Before I see if he wants to be jeld by them, I let the friend interact with him while I hold him then slowly hand him over. This usually works well the first time, if not we give it another few minutes.

This is allowing him to see mama is okay with this person so maybe I can feel ok with them to. Then once they hold him, I make sure I'm in his sight for either the whole time or for awhile before I sneak away to use the rest room! It's important for babies to trust you and if you don't base your actions on being attuned to their emotional needs, they don't trust they are safe. Then they become hyper viggilent to stay extra close to you to feel safe.

So listen to your daughters needs and teach her at her pace how to feel safe around people YOU trust. She's not supposed to trust strangers and based on how many children are abused, I think it's good for you to stay close to her. I'm not saying people you know will harm her, I'm just saying you are the safest person for your daughter to cling to. It's your role to help her feel secure but also eventually be weary of strangers.

it's good for you to want her to be brave but she is still way to young to be brave. You are her bravery so please know for the next few years, well forever really, you play a critical role in helping her feel safe...which trumps popularity. How can anyone be brave if they feel unsafe?

Just take your time at your daughters pace and enjoy watching her grow into the child you want her to be. It's a very joyous thing to witness your child transform from axious to safe to happy in an afternoon with friends and well worth every minute:)

Unless babies are born into a household full of different people holding them and doing for them all of the time they will be skittish and only feel comfy with mom or dad or whomever the caregiver is that spends the most time with them. Chances on getting her to warm up to others right now are slim to none, it all comes with exposure and time.