Graduation Party: Do We Have to Go

No need to go. Just RSVP and say that you regret that you have another engagement that evening and won't be able to attend. Do you know either of her kids? If not, I'd just send cards and be done with it. Or include an iTunes gift card in whatever amount you feel is appropriate (or Barnes & Noble, or Target or somewhere) if you feel obligated to give a gift.

Yes, you should go. You don't have to stay that long if it feels uncomfortable, but at least put in an appearance.

No ideas for gifts, sorry.

My daughter graduates from HS this year and we're having a party - mostly family and a few of her friends. We have no problem if people can't come - even if it's family assuming they have other plans or if it's tough to get there that day, etc. So you *have other plans that day that you made a long time ago*. Right?

As I tell my daughter frequently - you're invited - not required - to go.

Wow. Yes, you go.
Token gifts/gift cards and nice cards are ok.
These are life events and they are all part if your brothers life.
In short? Two wrongs don't make a right.
His behavior is HIS behavior.
Your behavior is YOUR behavior.

Do her collections or the way she keeps her house really have anything to do with this??!!

$25 sounds just about right to me. Take it from your husband's Tesla fund ;-)

We skipped a college graduation party yesterday for my sister's brother-in-law. I'm sending him $100.

Bottom line is that you don't want to go, you don't want to send a gift, you don't like this person in your brother's life. She is in his life so if you want anything do to with your brother, consider this strongly.

You do not HAVE to do anything but die and pay taxes.

I get that you feel used in order for someone to get gifts... I get graduation announcements from some family I have never met and I still send them $25. Close family gets substantially more.

I think $18 is cheap, like someone else said, most people do multiples of 5.

As for feeling welcome.... do you show up with a chip on your shoulder, expecting the worst. Body language can send out some strong vibes to others. Maybe if you show up with a smile it could be a world of difference. Think about your brother.... not you.

I would leave the children with dad, drop in for a short period of time and be classy about it. There might be a day when you extend the invitation to them for something one of your children does.

I'm with Queen of the Castle... take the money from the Tesla fund

Don't take it personally that they don't come to dinner every week. My brother loves a few miles from us. During the school year we usually see them at church each week. I pick the kids up from school once a week and see him them. Otherwise we are lucky to see each other once a month. We are just so busy, and our kids are still fairly young and don't have too many extracurriculars.

Maybe her teens are super busy. Maybe she didn't have a close nit family and is overwhelmed with the idea of getting together so often. My inlaws have had to get used to my husband not belting around as much, and we've been together for 12 years. (You'd think they'd learn.)

Whether you go to the party or not really comes down to what type of relationship you want to have with your brother. Do you want your brother to be in your life more? The you need to go. This is what siblings do for each other. They attend each other's parties, even when they don't particularly feel like it.

Most of us know that life with a toddler is a unique beast. It's not fun following them around all the time and trying to entertain them or keep them out of trouble. Seriously, hire a sitter. This is one of those times when doing so will just make everyone's life easier.

And, yes, you should be the bigger person and go to the party.

"Do we HAVE to go?" You don't "have" to do anything you don't want to. You've listed 100 reasons on why you don't want to go so don't go. It's really as simple as that. Even your husband said he doesn't want to go. So just reply, "sorry, we can't make it". Good luck.

This is an important person in your brother's life. Yes, you should go and be polite.
Choosing $18 sounds like you are going out of your way to be cheap. Pre-set gift cards come in multiples of $5-10 typically, so $10, $20, $25 and then often jump from there to $50. If $18 is your "magic number" go for $20 at least so you don't look cheap.
As to toddler proofed. That is on you to be watching your toddler and not let them run wild touching everything that isn't theirs. I took my kids absolutely everywhere when they were little. Not everywhere was toddler proofed. In fact most places weren't. From a very early age we taught them "one finger touch". If it was something that should not get the full toddler fist but would not get damaged with a supervised, gentle one finger touch they could do so. If it was an uncertain no-no then we told them no and redirected them. This way they got the chance to touch some things and satisfy their curiosity and knew when we said no we meant it. We also had traveling toys. Small, portable toys that they loved to play with when we went somewhere where children didn't live. Her collectables are not a reason for you to say no. They are an excuse you are coming up with. It's also pretty judgmental of you to go on calling her collectables that she enjoys "clutter".
Why are you keeping a tit for tat score of who invites who? Maybe they stopped having you over because they didn't want your young children at their house.

I'd send cards. She's your brother's girlfriend, not his wife or fiance. She has made very little effort to include you until now. Seems like a gift grab to me.

I didn't grow up with graduation gifts so don't really get it. Probably skews my answer. But I would make up an excuse, be very nice and appreciative of invite, and decline. I guess I would send an itunes card to the kids and that's it. $25 for oldest. $10 for middle school. For f's sake. Graduation gift for middle school?? And for her sister? If she expects a gift from you, she's such a loser I wouldn't care what she thought of me. I have a masters. I didn't expect gifts from ANYONE never mind someone a bit distant like you guys are. You never see these people and GF is not your brother's wife so they are not his stepkids nor is the ADULT woman his SIL. Let them think what she will. Sounds like they don't really care what you think of them... And if they do think ill, they're just gift grabbers on top of everything else.

Honestly the only time we really get together with extended family these days is holidays, weddings, showers, graduations, etc. We are all so busy we don't even TRY to get together for dinner, so in my case I would probably go. I wouldn't be offended that they didn't want to hang out more often, but that's just me.
And I have a few SILs with weird collecting and housekeeping habits (one has clinical OCD) but that's just how they are. I don't have to live with them so I don't really care. Showing up once a year or so isn't that big of a deal and it shows we care.
You could always leave your kids (or at least the little one) home with your husband so you could actually visit and have some of the adult time you seem to be craving.
As far as feeling "welcome" that's up to you. When you show up with a smile, a positive, open, friendly attitude and a nice bottle of wine you will always be WELCOME.

Why don't you just leave your husband and child at home, go for about 1/2 hour to an hour, and then head out?
Then you make an appearance for your brothers sake, your their for a bit, you don't have to worry about your toddler, and you can run home!
(Side note....I live within 15 minutes of all 4 of my brothers and their wives. We are close....for the most part. But we never have lunch OR dinner. Especially not as often as you! I think that's pretty awesom.)
L.

You don't need to go to graduation parties for virtual strangers. Send cards. Gifts for graduation? I thought only parents are supposed to buy their children graduation gifts. I sure didn't get graduation gifts from anyone other than my parents.

You don't have to go, you don't have to send gifts or even cards. The only things in life you have to show up for are your birth and death, everythings else is optional.
Now, SHOULD you go? Yea, probably. Even if for only an hour - two hours, make the rounds say hi to people, congratulate the grads, have a little refreshment be polite and smile. Then be sure to thank your brother and girlfriend for inviting you, make an excuse to leave and go.
For gifts a nice bottle of wine for the college grads and a sweat or tee shirt with his new school logo on it for the middle school grad. If the two college grads are job hunting then a gift card for gas or 'interview clothes' would work also.

Gift cards $25. Masters
$20. College
$10. Middle school.

And I think you "already had plans and send your regrets."

I wouldn't go unless it would cause your brother to be upset. It sounds like his life has taken a different direction and he is fine with that.

I can't imagine sending a graduation gift for students I barely even know who graduated middle school or are grown adults who got their master's. Seems really weird to me.

We give close family and friends $50 for high school (and probably college too but we just aren't there yet) and that's it. Since it's weird to only send the college grad something I would send cash to the college grad, $10 in a card to the middle school kid and just a card to the adult. Finally, I would never get a gift card for and odd number like $18. Not rounding up or down seems tacky to me.

Since they live so close I can't imagine why you couldn't run over there and be double booked and bring a family gift of cookies or candy or plants or something. It's his girlfriend not his wife right? But he's your brother and you just writing this note makes me think there's a tiny desire to at least have a link with your brother. She may end up out of the picture but you are his sister for life.

Yes you should go. HS graduation is $50 for family, $25 if you want to be cheap or mildly insulting and treat them like acquaintances. Middle school does not warrant a gift but perhaps a $10 iTunes gift card would be a nice gesture. No gift for her sister as gifts beyond an undergrad degree are not expected unless the person is a close friend and you genuinely want to commemorate their achievement.

Perhaps just you can go and leave your husband and kids at home.

Sorry but $18 is a strange amount for a gift card --most folks would go with multiples of $5, so $15 or $20 or $25. Eighteen looks like you just wouldn't stretch to that extra two bucks to reach a nice round 20.

If you don't want to go to a party, don't go. Just say you can't make it. It's true -- you can't because you don't want to . If she or your brother presses you to come, just repeat, "It's not a good day for us, but we're sending gifts and hope you have a great time." If they are the kind who would really pursue you after that, asking "Why not? What else are you doing that day? Where will you be? Can you come by later?" just repeat: "We really can't make it but are sending gifts" and change the topic.

Sounds like they won't press that hard, though, since your brother has cooled off on seeing family since his second marriage. Send $20 gift cards, package them up nicely in lovely congrats cards, maybe put them into nice small gift bags with a lot of tissue and ribbon, and don't offer explanations when you say with a regretful smile, we can't be there.

You don't need to go if you would feel uncomfortable. Send them each a gift card from a bookstore.

Ugh.....I wouldn't want to go either! I actually feel stressed for you right now! Whatever you decide is fine. I will say this.......don't feel obligated to bring a monetary gift for anyone but the college graduate. If they expect you to bring a gift for your brother's girlfriend's sister then they are extremely lacking in good manners.

No, you shouldn't go. You have other commitments in your life and don't need to add one more, especially to celebrate someone who hasn't been very nice to you. Send a gift - $20 gift cards are fine - and call it a day.

I don't think I would go if it were me. She has made it perfectly clear that she doesn't care about your brother's extended family and I doubt she cares much if you don't come.

The part about not being childproof is one thing. The part about clutter city? Look, I have plenty of friends who live with clutter. Some of them like it. Having "things" around that mean something to them and comforts them is a personality thing. Some of my friends don't care enough to straighten it out or don't know how, and live in controlled chaos. So what? It's not my house. It's not something you or me or anyone else should hold against them. It's how your SIL treats you, not the state of her house, that should make you feel uncomfortable.

No, you don't need to give a present to the sister or to the middle schooler if you aren't going to the party. The one who should get a present is the college graduate. Ask for her address and send her $25 in a card.

nope I wouldn't go.

Sounds like you were only invited so they could get gifts.
Just decline, you don't even have to say why.
I might send congratulatory greeting cards but no gifts/checks/gift cards.

How do you think your non-appearance would seem to your brother? If you think that not going would create a bigger rift between you and your brother (and you and his girlfriend), then I would make a short visit to congratulate the honorees and then beg off to go to another important event for your family. There are 3 people being honored with 3 sets of friends so there will be a lot of people which may make it easier to be there. (and easier to leave early) Perhaps they will even clean up for the party! I think a graduation card and a small gift card would be perfect. Target sells gift cards that say CONGRATULATIONS. Most of the time, middle school graduation is not celebrated but I would not overlook recognizing her son. Good luck!

They're not even married yet, right? However, regardless of their marital status, these people are nobodys to you. They are HER kids from another marriage. I don't see why you have to get them anything - especially when she isn't that nice to you! Not only would I not go, I definitely would not give any of them a gift. Your brother even told you not to go. Save the money and put it toward preschool part time (or a sitter), so you'll have some time to yourself (regarding your other post)!!

I would make an appearance. Leave your family at home. Just get a card for her sister. Get her two kids gift cards--$15 is perfectly fine!

What do your friends think you should do?

I think you should go. They are family (even though your brother is not married to this woman, the kids are basically your niece and nephew). You don't have to stay long but you should go.

I would send $25-$50 to the college graduate. Middle school graduation is worth celebrating within the immediate family, but does not merit a gift. Her sister getting her master's does not merit a gift from you at all.

I would send a nice card plus money to the college graduate and politely decline the invite. No need to give excuses or reasons for not attending.

Good luck!

I don't think that you should feel obligated to go anyplace that you are not comfortable going. Sending a gift is a "nice" thing to do and may make your brother feel like you made an effort. But only do so if you can afford to.

send $20 gift cards to each kid. don't worry about the sister.
nice cards.
don't sweat it.
khairete
S.

I'd possibly make a brief appearance, for your brother's sake, and then leave with the pretense that your have another commitment (like the one to yourself and your hubbie and kids). And yes, I would give the kids (middle school and college grads) something...and I agree, multiples of $5 would be appropriate....$18(or multiples thereof) maybe more suitable for bar mitzvahs

I would not go, she has made it clear a relationship with you is not important to her. I would not even send gifts, you don't know these kids (she has made sure of that by not getting together). I would send a card, maybe a book (no more then $10-15 bucks). And if she (the ex wife) still has custody of your brothers kids I would keep doing weekly meals, but with the ex, she seems like a nicer person anyways.

Also, gifts are not the norm for any of these events. A high school graduation I would send a small gift because they are just starting out.

Here's another take on the whole thing. Just because you get an invitation in the mail does not mean you are obligated to participate. I work at a university and get several invites a year. That does not mean I have to go or give something. If the person is someone I have had a good relationship with I might give them a card but I have never given any monetary gift.

The only graduation party I have attended was a coworker's daughter's. The party was being held jointly at a friend's house and I knew of the family. The first girl got a sizeable amount because she was like my other daughter. The second got money but not as much. They were both headed to college. The first was to be a doctor but is now in the legal program and in England this summer. The second I am not sure but it will be a science.

So meet up with brother and celebrate the celebrations for lunch. The girlfriend's collection of "clutter" is not your problem. Sometimes you have to teach children not to touch everything. I grew up in a household where everything was out and not put up. Only certain things did I put up when I had my children everything else was out. People do not do this any longer and hence the problems of people not wanting little people in their homes. Off my soapbox now.

Let us know what you decide. I am on board with husband about not attending.

the other S.

PS You could take the money from the Tesla fund and give out gifts and hire a babysitter.

Ugh! Can you be "out of town" as well?

NOTHING for the college girl who I am assuming you never met and is not your bio niece.
NOTHING for the sister getting her masters, again, not someone you would give a present to or even know in any way. I can't imagine having my sister in law give something to my sister even though they get along quite well on the few times that they see eachother.
NOTHING to the jr. high "grad" - it's not a high school graduation, it's a nothing, he's just finished one school and going to the next in line, changing buildings, that's all.
SO, there you have it, my conclusion is nothing, the college grad is the only one who even deserves a present. You don't give presents for Masters, they are adults when they get to that stage. SO, send a card for each and your regrets that you can not attend. You will not be missed, an invitation is NOT a requirement that you then give a gift.

edited after reading some other responses - two of the people being celebrated are NOT important to your life and may not be to your brother either, the jr. high kid is the ONLY one that would make obligation happen, but I didn't even go to my daughters 8th grade promotion, it's a stupid custom from the farm days.

I agree with your husband.
If you are going to be miserable, then why do that to yourself?
I would just send gift cards. I see you are thinking about bookstore gift cards. I think $15 would be a fair amount. These aren't people you really know or have been around much. If $18 feels better then go with $18. I wouldn't stress it much.