Grave Sites and Children

I just kept it simple for my son. I said Grandma and Grandpa are in Heaven but we come to the cemetary to see their name and remember them. He loves to go and it is not creepy at all. It is just a way to talk about his Grandparents and hopefully he will grow up to realize that death is a part of life. He can wait to learn about the body stuff until later.

You need to work on your issue with graves so you don't pass it on to your daughter. My dad died when my grandchildren were very young. They attended the funeral and went to the grave site. Yes they had a ton of questions but they weren't freaked out by the whole thing.

Why don't you get a couple books on explaining death to children so that you and your hubby can read them together and decide what to explain to your daughter concerning your father in law's death.

Is that connection to the dead a cultural tradition for your husband? If it is, it is important to understand and interpret it for your daughter rather than trying to suppress it. I personally love cemeteries and will go for walks in them whenever I can. I find them restful and beautiful and have never had any issues with walking in them with my children. They know that this is how we remember people when they are not with us anymore. You could just let your husband know that for now, it would be easier if he would talk about the stone as having to do with remembering and honoring and wait until your daughter is older and can start to understand passing away to be more explicit about the location of the body.

This sounds way more like a cultural issue than a parental issue.

If grandpa is "abuelo" then you're talking more a Hispanic culture which does a lot more to celebrate life by honoring death. With Dia de los Muertos and the festivities surrounding it the hispanic culture is much more at ease with death, life and the transition. Frankly, I embrace it and run with it for us....death is not to be feared if you've prepared in life.

I think you guys need to get together culturally and the parenting piece will naturally fall into place from the discussion. GL!

If you do not want your daughter to have your same issues, then you need to purchase some childrens books about death (there are tons of good ones) that are appropriate for her age, even as she gets older. They may even help you.

In our family,death, funerals, burials are not considered scary. They are just considered part of living. The events are sad and then we all gather together to celebrate the memories.. They are usually more like family reunions.. All children in the family attend these events and see that we are sad, but then we can all move on with our lives..

I used to let our daughter help me pick out the flowers to place at her great grandparents graves. She would then show me in the cemetery where it was located.

You set the tone for your child.

I lost my sister when i was 15. She was 11. When i had my babies i would put their carrier on her grave. I would pray to her and introduce her to her nieces. This made me feel better.

We all deal with death differently. Some of us need to visit the grave site and some cant deal. I can relate to your husband. I feel closer to the loved one when i am visiting their grave. My husband has a hard time visiting his dads grave. He tells me that his dad is not there. I would never judge him and i hope he would never judge me. We cope differently.

Your daughter will be ok. I don't think she will be harmed from visiting the grave site. Some of my kids are now teenagers. They have no ill effects from my taking them there since they were born. Infact, they have asked many questions about their aunt. They seemed more curious about her, wished they knew her. Not creeped out. I don't think your husband is doing anything wrong. That is just me though... to each their own. I feel that not taking them and hiding causes an unknown fear of gravesites. I felt that way until i lost someone very close to me.

I agree with Whizzy that this may be a cultural issue. I am of Hispanic origin but was born and raised in Indiana. We never went to a cemetary because we didn't have any family buried in Indiana. However, I noticed that when I went to Mexico for vacation, my grandparents would go to the cemetary A LOT. I remember going with my grandmother to visit her parents' and her son's grave site. We always went during the day so it never seemed scary. My grandmother passed away 2 years ago and her children visit her grave every Sunday after church. They bring flowers and talk to her. My point is that in Mexico, death is dealt with differently.

It's great that you recognize where your feelings about grave sites come from; I'm guessing that your husband is completely comfortable with cemetaries because of the way he was raised. You and your husband should discuss how you want to talk about death with your daughter at this age and as she gets older.

Hope this helps!

I don't think there was ever a time that I was uncomfortable with being in a cemetery, as I come from a huge family and had been to dozens of funerals during my childhood. Death is a very natural part of life and we owe it to our children to be compassionately honest with them about it. Just today I had to explain to my 4 year old what a cemetery is, as we drive past one daily and he had become persistent in getting a satisfactory answer to what it was. I was honest but gentle in my explanation, I knew he understood, and within 30 seconds we were on to the next topic.

If you display discomfort about visiting grave sites, she will pick up on that. 20 mos is too young to try to explain the concept of dead and buried, so for now perhaps you could just call it a special place to think about Abuelo.

hi
we've taken my son since he was a small child... he even attended his grandpa's funeral when he was about 4 ... I do think every child is different and might react differently to death and or the cemetery.. We've been open with my son from the get in that we've always told him, people pass away... When we go to the cemetery, often his grandma will go and she does speak aloud to her deceased husband..Also, when my son and I visit my brother's place of burial, his name is on a wall and we always buy little stickers to put on it. (there is no place for flowers) my son will add thanksgiving stickers or more recently, Christmas... I think it's important to be open and honest about death.. however, it doesn't mean they have to see things that might scare them.. if you truly don't think this scares your daughter, then maybe it's simply not a good idea to have her go..
oh and I do agree about those prepaid ones..... and that dash.. I am a little superstitious in that I don't want my name on one of those while I am still living :)

I would not tell her that Abuelo is under the ground. Your husband should not be telling her that. She doesn't know he's dead or understand what that means. It will scare her to think that someone is under the ground. At 20 months, she doesnt need an explanation as she cannot understand. In a couple of years, she should be told that her grandfather is dead, that this is his gravesite where his body is buried. Cemeteries dont' necessarily freak children out. I was 21 months when my father died, I was taken to the cemetery from the time I was a very small child and it was not scary for me, just something our family did, visiting my father and grandparents

My son is fascinated by cemeteries. He lost his Pap Pap when he was almost 3, and we've always both been pretty honest and open with him about death, funerals, cemeteries, etc. since then. My hubby & I both work in industries related to death care so it's pretty normal for us.

I *would* however avoid ambiguous, creepy statements like "Abuelo is under here" and "Abuelo watches us from Heaven" That kind of stuff is what creeps kids out. I've always explained that a dead body is just a shell, not needed anymore b/c the spirit goes to Heaven to be healthy, healed, whole and the spirit stays there for eternity.

I'm not a big "grave visitor" myself but some people feel the need to go. And whatever sets their mind at ease is the right thing to do--for them. Why not stay behind/somewhere else while your hubby visits his dad's grave? You can take her n a few years once she gets the concepts involved.

Well, my mother died a year ago in September, and at that point my children were 3 and almost 1. That October I took my oldest out to the cemetery for the first time, and I explained it this way: I told him that (and we had been over this before) that Gigi was in heaven, and the cemetery was the last place she went before she went there. We've flown numerous times, so I told him it was kind of like when we went to the airport to get on a plane -this spot was where Gigi went to leave for heaven. Therefore it was her "special spot" and a place where we brought flowers and pumpkins and came to feel close to her. I told him to take a look around and see all the other special spots where people had gone to heaven. He actually loves it! I don't always take him there, but I do with some regularity. I've never said anything about bodies being buried there. He hasn't put it together yet, and I figure by the time he does he'll be a good bit older. I saw no reason to tell him my mother's body was about 6 feet under us in the ground -I mean -I totally get your fear of your daughter being freaked out! I can't imagine a small child NOT being freaked out by knowing that.

So -you could explain to him that you feel that you need to come up with an alternate explanation like I did that leaves out bodies. It's actually been incredibly peaceful and comforting for me to go to my mother's grave. I understand it's not everyone's "thing" but your daughter doesn't need to be completely shielded from death. You never know when she'll have to deal with it, but some of the more macabre factors regarding our death rituals can wait for a FAR later date! My son (and your daughter) is still so young he hasn't asked about my father's name and birth date on the marker. I'm sure next week when we go to place a Christmas arrangement there, he's going to ask. It's been awhile and he has started writing and reading a little bit, so he's going to recognize his Papa's name (they share a first name). I'll just tell him when Papa goes to heaven, he'll take off from there first so Gigi will know where to find him.

You have to compromise, ask him how to meet in the middle of this issue, but definitely discuss it

I'm with you but your hubby may want to continue taking his daughter. So be prepared to explain to her when she's a little older that " Gpop is really in Heaven only his bones are in the ground" My 5 yr old son was told his aunt's dearly loved dog had died and was in a box (the ashes) and boy was he confused! "how can she be in a box?" " did it hurt when they put her in a box?" "was she sooo skinny they could fold her up and put her in the box?" etc etc Finally one cousin said no she's really in Heaven. I read him the book Dog Heaven and we discussed that. Start looking for books that you like and mirror your beliefs like "the Next Place"