Have You FIXED a Marriage?

My husband and I have been through the worst of the worst. We still have some things we are working out.

At the end of the day, when I know that being without him would make me beyond sad, I know we've done the right thing to make it work.

We had a very unconventional start and a really rough first couple of years, that have caused a lot of the problems we have now. Communication is a huge thing for us...but we're working on it.

I love him and I know he loves me. Doesn't stop things from being tough sometimes though.

I'm doing it right now, its the hardest, scariest thing I've ever done. Most days I want to give up. I've loved my husband since I was 17 and even though he is "all in" and trying his hardest I'm not doing well mentally.

I think marriage should be taken more seriously these days.

I have experienced both. I have been in a marriage where we hit a brick wall and called it a day. Actually, hit the wall, went to counseling and called it a day.

Very different from rolling up your sleeves and getting elbow deep in someone else's emotions and beliefs, in order to find a path to actual compromise.

It's hard to give up something you believe in. But the woman I chose to live with, no matter what, is easily the most important person/thing/relationship I have. And that means I will do anything to keep that relationship healthy (lol - goose and the golden egg just popped in my head).

My sponsor told me "you can be happy, or you can be right - but rarely both at once".

I've been in a marriage where I was predominately right.
I've been in a marriage where I was predominately happy.

I'll take happy for the rest of my life, please.

Hi adans mama-

In my opinion, 'one' person cannot fix a marriage. It is like trying to row a rowboat with only one oar...you go in circles.

For a marriage to be 'fixed'...BOTH partners have to be invested in the marriage and be willing to 'own' their respective responsibilities/issues.

VERY often, by the time a couple reaches a marriage counselor, one partner has already emotionally 'checked out' of the marriage. That is not to say counseling cannot be helpful...Just that sometimes, instead of being a means to 'fix' a marriage, it allows one to work on themselves individually, and perhaps find the strength to leave.

That is my opinion.

I envy those that are truly able to move/work through issues in a marriage.

Best Luck!
michele/cat

We are still working on it. Even though neither of us was married before, we knew going into this marriage that the odds of staying married were against us. Just the fact that we each already had a child and were of different religions put us in the less than 50% category. Add in some other issues that he deliberately hid from me (that he had been dx'd with a mood disorder and had some other characteristics that are unchangeable but affect relationships), which I found out a few years into the marriage, and it's a minor miracle that we're together at all. But with kids involved, we talked through known "deal breakers" well in advance of getting engaged - things like that I make more money than him and will always work, or that I wouldn't marry someone who wasn't OK with us raising the children in my religion, or that we would have at least one child together, and once we picked a town to raise our kids in, we're not moving. Really, we were thoughtful and careful and on the same page about everything except the secrets he kept from me. I really thought I knew everything I needed to know and was choosing a life partner who I loved and who would be a good dad for my son. We committed that no matter what, we would not put our kids through divorce (the older ones had already had upheaval in their lives since birth) and that even if things got bad, we would stick it out for 20 years. We jokingly call it the "20 to life" plan.

This plan was tested many times in the first few years of our marriage - I got pregnant accidentally a few months before our wedding and his reaction was so unexpected that we almost didn't get married. He was also pretty awful and selfish through our S. pregnancy, and then we dealt with the aftermath of his affair and other secrets. It was terrible - we had 4 small kids, temporarily carried two mortgages and were so broke and logistically challenged that we had no way to even temporarily separate to sort things out. Through it all, what kept us going was his willingness to go to counseling, take responsibility for his actions and try to change. We've been through a lot of counselors, a lot of medication, a lot of prayer, a lot of pain, a police report/arrest/court, a short separation and a lot of good times to balance the bad over the years. We've been married almost 9 years. We push forward hoping and praying that we're doing the right thing for our kids, working with professionals who assure us that they are OK with us together, that we are a family who is better together than apart. I hope that 10 or 20 years from now, the kids look back and agree.

At the end of the day, I definitely don't judge anyone who is divorced. I never married my son's dad and my husband didn't marry his daughter's mom because they are both toxic, dysfunctional people who would be terrible partners and parents. Not everyone figures this out before marriage, and people certainly change. Both spouses have to work on fixing a marriage, and some families are definitely better apart than together. For my husband and I, we're just not there yet (and hope to never be).

My husband had an affair about 11 years ago. I actually moved out for over a year with our daughter. He spent a lot of time trying to "win" me back but, I just didn't really want any part of it. After a while, we started spending time together with our daughter....then we started dating again (mind you we were still legally married). We worked very hard at putting our relationship back together. Now here it is eight years later. We have since had another child that is now 5. Our marriage is stronger than it has ever been! We are so happy now. I tell everyone that I had to go thru a lot of he@% to get to Heaven but, I am so very happy that I did.

we hit a really rough patch when our younger was very small. we weren't sure we were going to make it. i get sad just remembering it. looking back i can see clear signs of clinical depression in me, but not sure if it that's the chicken or the egg.
i got him to agree to go to counseling. he was reluctant but neither one of us really wanted to split, we just couldn't think of anything to do to make it better. we were very lucky. by using the few simple tools the counselor gave us on our very first (we only had 2) sessions, we saw an immediate and wonderful turnaround. and we've never looked back.
so i'm not sure it's a huge victory story because maybe we weren't in a terrible crisis. it sure made my heart hurt at the time, though. and i'm so grateful we lucked into the right counselor at the right time.
khairete
S.

I have been committed to the relationship and " fixing " it for 6 years. Dragging him to numerous counselors. Nothing works. he does the talk ( wanting to improve his and my relationship ) but he never actually follows thru!

So i tried , he says he wants to, he does nothing about it though. occasionally i try and reconnect with him..nothing. But if asked he still wants to try. again.....just lip service.

so as i watch him be so distant to me and the kids which is painful...i don't see where the unconditional love comes from...

God knows, i have tried to help our relationship, tried just to help him..nothing works.

I don't continue to love somebody who can cause emotional pain to his wife and children KNOWINGLY, and go on about his day....no, i don't love that,and the continuation of that has caused me to lose my love for him..

6 years of trying.....long years!

I really believe that once you have children that is when things get tough. They are for sure a blessing, but it is a major adjustment especially for men. Seems that once your attention is directed mostly toward taking care of your children men have a hard time adjusting. That was surely the case for me and my DH.

We have learned a much better way of communication over the past 4 years or so. I really don't want to share a specific story there would be plenty as we have been married for 8 years but, there have been a few times where I was saying in my head, "How can I feel hate for the man I fell in Love with?"

Although my DH has never been diagnosed, he has passive aggressive behaviors as well as playing the game of "You never told me that". I just had to start really remembering things so that I could point our specifics and stay on topic when discussing a potential issue.

It took me a few years after we got married to understand it wasn't me, he was playing games. I explained to him how I felt our relationship was and that I wasn't happy with it. We both had an opportunity to share some things that were on our mind and even though we hit some bumps along the way I feel like we are in a better place.

We are by no means perfect. I can tell when my DH is going through and episode so I just try to prepare myself and stay as calm as possible when engaged in a strong topic. If I feel like he is sucking me in, I just tell him how I feel, in the moment and stop him so he can think about how he is leading the conversation.

Marraige is tough. You have to work each and every day to make it work. Communication is the main vein, everything else branches off from there, IMO.

Life in general can be one long roller coaster! Very happy to hear success stories!

Have a good day all!

My friends and I say, "There's work and then there is construction work!" I think we all have our breaking point for the construction work. When it's just not worth it to do a complete tear down and rebuild.

Several years ago, I was having problems with my husband. He can be passive aggressive/uncommunicative and it was a real low point in our marriage. I won't go into the dirty details, but I considered divorcing him. I started talking to a male friend about the situation and eventually he made a pass at me. I was floored and flattered (thinking, this old gal's still got it!). Nothing physical happened outside of one kiss, but it really got me to thinking about why I was talking to this other man in the first place. The person I should be talking to is my HUSBAND. I know it seems obvious, but it was really a moment for me.

I went to California to visit a girl friend and clear my head. Plus, she was the only person that I could tell about the guy that I thought was a friend. By the end of my vacation, I had decided to stay with my husband and work on our marriage - no matter what it took. I knew I could not change my husband, that I could only change myself. I hoped that in changing my attitude to a more positive one along with communicating more, that my husband's behavior would change too.

It didn't happen overnight or immediately, but it did happen. Our marriage got better. It will never be perfect, but it doesn't have to be. We are partners and in this together.

Of course, I realize I am lucky to have a husband that responds well to positive reinforcement. It seems that once I decided to stop butting heads with him, he decided to stop too. We treat each other with respect, which we did not before. He still can be passive aggressive, but I'll call him on it. Just like he'll call me out when he thinks I'm being unreasonable. But we're adults, we can handle it.

My husband was a major instigator in us fixing our marriage. HE was the one who wanted us to go to counseling together, and was going to go with or without me. I just wanted to leave -- run away. I was so stressed and distressed! We were going through hell with a severely ill child (see http://www.amazon.com/dp/0982805209 ). A NAMI class we attended together incredibly helped us be on the same page.

I was so very fortunate that our experience helped make our marriage stronger, but I can see how easily it could tear a marriage apart. Our marriage worked because, and only because, my HUSBAND was such an incredible, down-to-earth, adoring person who would do whatever it took to keep his family intact

Sometimes the best, loving "fix" is to let each other go - completely with love, friendship, and support. That can happen. Sometimes, we need to split because we find we want completely different things from life - say one wants the house and yard with a white picket fence, dog, and two children. The other wants the big city life, night life, concrete all around, and no kids. It happens.

And absolutely - if both parties involved are not willing to work, or one has a drug problem, one is abusive or narcissistic and has no inclination to change - what is the point? Cut your losses and move on to a more wholesome life.

I didn't fix my own marriage, but I really think I was a key part in my sister's marriage staying together. She was talking divorce and leaving, and I asked her one question: Did you do everything possible to make it better? She said no, they worked on it, and now they couldn't be happier and even had 2 more kids after they were on the brink of divorce. I'm a firm believer that you should stay in a marriage if you are miserable. But I also think you should do everything possible to fix it. He was actually aprehensive about getting help, but when he saw my sister working hard to make things better, he actually started to work at making it better. Again no one needs to be miserable, but make sure you tried everything to fix it before walking away.

My in-laws are fully comitted to fixing their marriage right now. 2 years ago it "came out" that my FIL had a years-long affair that produced a child 17 or so years ago. MIL had no clue that was going on. Major secret my FIL thought he would take to his grave I guess. She had to go through receiving this bombshell at the happiest time she has ever had in her marriage (close to retirement, grown kids all set, grandchildren to enjoy, time and money to travel). She has had a Rough Time but decided to stay with him and make it work. There are zillion issues to contend with (how did she not know this was going on back then, was her marriage a sham, can she ever trust or know her husband again it goes on and on)
Anyway, they comitted to staying together and I thought she was crazy at first, I mean, she has money, great job, support of her kids to leave him, no real reason to stay... but she's staying and forgiving. It's been pretty amazing to witness and I've been humbled through the experience of the last couple years since this all came out. It's a tough road and by no means completed for them but she isn't giving up.

Everyone I know who truly "fixed" a marriage had manageable problems. Period. It depends totally on WHAT the issues are, and what people's breaking points are. I have one friend who divorced because SHE couldn't deal with the fact that her husband worked a lot. She coudln't see that he was an awesome bread winner, home every night and weekend, did everything right...we all know this guy, and he's nice, and she admits he didn't really do anything wrong, she just "wasn't happy". She had a privileged life, the security the marriage offered was a "given" to her, and everything always went her way, so his flaws were a deal breaker for her. I had another friend stay with a husband who abuses her and risks her health by cheating, talks negatively about her and will never change.
I have one relative who fixed her marriage with a cheater, and she's happy about it. But to me, she could do way better. He's still a piece of work. And some couples come through rough times and fix things. Everyone is so different. Tough question.
Hope you get some inspiring answers!

GOOD FOR YOU! So many want to "duck & run" too soon. My 1st marriage lasted close to 8 years & failed due to my ex's severe mental health issues. I am now widowed from my 2nd marriage which lasted 40 years. Did we have issues during that time? You betcha! I've told many young couples that there are times that marriage, AT BEST, is hard. But falling in love isn't like falling in the swimming pool - it's a decision! So when you wake up one morning & think...Not only do I not love him - I don't even LIKE him!....give it some time. Always try to put yourself in his place, if you have children consider the effect your separation/divorce will have on them. Children tend to blame themselves for their parents problems. And children are extremely satisfied when they have children of their own that Gram & Gramps are still together. Maybe I'm describing a dream world, but we made it work. We learned to talk the problem out, we shared the compromise when it was necessary so that neither felt the outcome was unfair. Also, we learned to DATE! So important!!! If more couples could get back to their courtship days - even on a slim budget - find ways to COURT your mate. Love can return to your relationship with just a small bit of effort...I know....I LIVED IT! And I'll be forever grateful for the trials we faced TOGETHER!! And, for us, with prayer & faith in God, LOVE WON OUT!!!

I think you can only "fix" a marriage if both people recognize their parts and want to work together to fix it. All too often it's only one person who wants to accept their responsibility, and the other is not on board.

For me having kids is not a reason to stay in a bad relationship. But it sure does motivate you to fix whatever problems you have and try to be the best example and team to raise them.

I have tried to fix a marriage. Our problem is that our marriage is one-sided. My husband has no drive, no 'dreams', etc. - he kind of just lives. He absolutely loves our kids but unless the 'conversation' is about the kids or if he feels the need to have sex he's really not interested in me. We got married young, 24. We had met in college and were good friends; after college I moved back to my hometown and he to his. In a long distance, weekend visiting, sort of relationship we were fine. Once we got married and I moved to a metro area (I am from a small town) with no family/friends around I felt alone; that on top of my husband just continued to live his life.....would work until late then go out with his friends afterwards. I started feeling very resentful that I left everything that was familiar and he 'got his cake and ate it too' as he didn't have to change his life and now has someone living in the house that cooked, cleaned, and was in his bed. i tried talking to him about it, got us in counseling, etc. but unless I made the appointment he'd just not go. Before children he'd sleep til like 3 in the afternoon and then play video games the rest of the day.
So, you ask why did we have kids - well, I won't go into great detail becuase this is already getting long but I got pregnant with my son; during that I had pregnancy depression and my husband made me feel worse about it as he'd tell me I was supposed to be happy, etc.
Anyway - over the years I've explained why and how I was unhappy, etc. or there are times I'll get mad.......the next day it's as if I said nothing. It's like he's in denial that we have this great marriage and because we don't fight (because he avoids it altogether) he thinks we're fine.
We've been married for 10 years and we've gotten further apart and I still don't feel like I know him at all. Now, I want to leave but there are two kids in our family now and I am scared to death of being a single mom.