Having Trouble Getting Along with Other Moms in My Neighborhood

Lots of great advice here! Instead of snappy comebacks you could just calmly say "wow, that was really rude" or something along those lines and walk away. best wishes!

I believe Dr. Wayne Dwyer would respond with "You're right about that!"

That usually stops them in their tracks, because they are either looking for an argument or to make you feel bad. If you agree with them, you have taken away their power.

I had a baby in January, six weeks before my 46th birthday. My (mean and nasty) mother said "Women your age become grandmothers." I laughed and said "You're right about that!" That was the end of that conversation - what else could she say? I agreed with her.

We lived in the city until two years ago, and parents in the CPS system were much nicer. I now live in a snooty area too, and my 15 year old daughter deals with the "by-product offspring" of these nasty women.

I have to do the school thing all over again now, with my little one, and I'll have some fun using that phrase with these women. After all, I am old enough to be their mother.....

OH HOney, envious people are so cruel...
YOu have 3 beautiful kids and a great husband...God bless your family...I would suggest that you get an Ipod or a tape player and show up at the bus stop in jogging or exercise clothes and either read to your kids at the bus stop or be talking on the phone or just laughing and enjoying the music or story that you are listening to on tape....
Any comments that they do say...Just ignore or answer..."Isn't it a BEAUTIFUL DAY?...or GOD BLESS US ALL! ....Time will tell.....What an interesting thought!....Thank you for sharing.....O.K>>>>>>>>>>>?!....MUMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
WHATEVER.............." have a list of ten comebacks that are non committal...or better yet...just one that you use all the time for any rude comment..Say it in a smiling flat way that cannot be interpreted as rude....Such as...."Is that WHAT you think?".....Well...Well...
Maybe these gals truly miss the other person who lived in your home....Maybe they just need to get a life...or have a better husband...or wish they had more kids etc...
Take walks to find other mothers who are more to your liking..there are fun friends out there for you...It will just take time..Do not get discouraged but DO limit your exposure to these gals...and their comments...There are probably 1 or 2 ringleaders and might even be a few that would generally like to be friends...Consider finding one or 2 of those to invite over for coffee or go for a walk with and see if you can compliment that bettr person into being more friendly and less judgemental...Above all ..DO NOT GET ANGRY... if necessary...Tear up and comment..."That really hurts my feelings...or I am doing the best I can...This is so difficult for me ...."
Sometimes they just do not underastand how rude they are being...
I have a lifelong friend who is so self-centered and negative that I just limit my exposure to her and keep smiling and being positive ....and changing the subject or not reacting when she gets off on her pity parties...
Invite some other friends...Either new or old over for a picnic or luncheon or tea and then be obvious about the good time you all are having ...or only invite one of the new gals so that they can pass the word that you are well loved by others and it was so much fun!
When it comes to children's parties, give those critics a JOB to pass out good bags or read fortunes or play the music for the dancing fun etc...
Look yourself in a mirror everyday and say ..."I am a good person and I am doing the best that I can with my life....that is all that matters for me and my family.."
Good luck and pray for tolerance!
Hugs & smiles, MOM J

Dear J.,
You story sounds very familiar to me! I deal with these same issues, except it is my family. I think people act this way because they are insecure. They want to seem like they are better than everyone else on the outside, because they are'nt on the inside. My only advice is to be confident. Who cares what they think. As long as you are happy with yourself anything they say doesn't even matter. I agree with the PP who said that you sould call them out and say how rude their comments are.
Good luck!

J.,
I agree with the other posters (and I LOVE the comebacks- too funny!). Those women are not worth wasting your time being upset over. When you see them smile at them, say hello, and then go on about your business. Who cares if they say anything back or not.
We live in an apartment complex and although there are one or two nice moms most a witches. My daughter and her friends draw with chalk on the tennis courts (all the kids play on the tennis courts) and this one mom lets her kid come over and scuff out everything our kids drew- he was literally scuffing their pictures out as they were drawing them. I asked his Mom to stop him and she told me "Well the rain is going to wash them away eventually anyway and it's not like the pictures are any good". It was a 3 and a 4 year old drawing! Another time three moms were standing there and they said my daughter was too whiny and cried too much. Who says those kinds of things?! We usually ignore what they say (most of them speak Spanish- thinking I don't understand Spanish) I knocked one of them on her patootie one time when I overheard her talking to another Mom about me being overweight. I turned to her and said in Spanish "My boyfriend loves me like this- more cushion for the pushin he says". Then I smiled at them and told them to enjoy the sunshine and I went off to play with my daughter.
They are not worth spending any time worrying about or being sad about what they think of me.
Focus on your wonderful family and how much better your life is that you don't have to constantly think of ways to put people down so your life looks better. And be proud of your big boobs! Lots of women pay to have the kind of boobs we got naturally!

Ohhhh I know how you feel! It's hard, not to care. People are being mean to you for no reason and that just sucks! I have had to dig deep too to get past some of my "Neibs". It really really is about their lack and own issues. Can you run with that? It has helped me alot but it is still hard and it is even harder to stay yourself.

My husband once said, "Why don't you treat them the way they treat you?" I said, because that is not me and I am not going to be like them. It is so hard to not play the game AND not be bothered by it. But I think you will find that you will begin to gain much satisfaction by standing strong in who you are, a nice, kind person, that loves her kids and loves letting them be kids and does not like or choose to play hurtful mind games with petty people. Don't give your power away.

I love the comment - Dr. Wayne Dwyer would respond with "You're right about that!" LOL... can you imagine saying that to one of them with a big cheery smile on your face? What do you say to that??

I think that once they see you choose not to be bothered or play their games that they will loose interest because they are not getting the satisfaction of thinking they made you feel bad. Surround yourself with positive people and leave the negs behind.

It really is about being comfortable with ourselves and that REALLY REALLY is all that matters. That is the lesson that I am choosing to learn with my "Neibs". If what we are doing, being, saying, living is ok by us that is all that matters. PERIOD! Be yourself and LOVE every minute of it!

I have also tried to stop thinking about it so much and tried to picture the situation the way that I want it and it has helped alot.

Good luck J.! Hugs to you and stay strong, be yourself and send some love to those *itches...they need it :-)

Hi J.,
I do not have any magic answers, but wanted to offer some empathy. I have had some problems with other moms as well, just not as blatant. Mine have been women that I beleive to be my friends, who I then find out are talking maliciously behind my back. I never had these issues growing up or in high school years (although I moved a lot, so think I never was long enough in one place to establish the relationships). All I can tell you is that this negativity really has little or nothing to do with you. What people say is often a reflection of how they are feeling about themselves. There are a lot of women out there, unfortunately, who are not very happy. It doesn't matter if your house was spotless, you did foot inspections before letting children enter your home and you had the body of an athlete-- because it is not about you. Try not to own it. There are good women out there. Find them (maybe see if anyone from Mamasource wants to get together?) and surround yourself as much as possible with good people, your family, and things you enjoy. Try not to spend too much energy on the negativity of the others. Good luck! H.

You have a great man, three beautiful children, a gift of large breasts and some jealous snotty neighbors. Why should you give up the wait at the bus stop because they are snotty? I work in schools and I think the job requirement for most teachers is that they don't say hello and they won't look you in the eye and they feel like they can put you down whenever they want. Your children and husband love you and these neighbors don't pay your bills. Do not even worry about them. Nod, smile and take your kids to the bus stop. There are other people on earth who are not shallow or snotty and it only takes one or two to be really close friends who you will meet soon. You do not have to explain yourself. exactly what for? You do have to enjoy your children, your life, your husband and if one of these people becomes your friend great! And enjoy your boobs, too! Heck there's a lot of people paying a lot of money for big boobs that were given to you naturally. You just quit worrying.

Eleanor Roosevelt said that people can only make you feel inferior if you let them.
You sound like a lovely person and a down to earth mom. How you raise your kids and take care of your home is your business. I'm more concerned about somebody who wouldn't let a child go barefoot in the summer sometimes. I'm more concerned about kids who are raised by women who are so uptight they never have the pleasure of playing hard enough to get dirty.
It sounds like these women have empty and shallow lives and probably unfulfilling marriages - so they have to act catty to make themselves feel better. I guarantee you, in secret these women probably envy you.
That being said, I don't know why you would invite negative, nasty people into your home. You are not obligated to invite the neighbors. Really you're not.
As for the bus stop and stuff, say Good Morning and then you are not obligated to say anything at all. Take a book to read with your child or take your ipod or a newspaper or you cell phone and if they start talking, just smile and say I'm sorry I'm doing this or that. Or like the other post said - say something "I know that's right". It will shut them down. If you are happy in your house, your home. Stay. The neighbors do not have to be part of your life. It sounds like your life is full enough already. Be happy in yourself, your family, and your blessings.

Look at it this way, your life is interesting and theirs isn't. Thick skin - do what you'd tell your kids to do in a similar situation and ignore them. Don't bother with small talk but don't be rude. No one said you have to say hi to every person who walks by.

I like the idea of pre-canned comments too. (The dirty kid comeback, for example.) Your boobs - seeing as I lost a full cup size from what I was before I got pregnant, I'm a bit jealous!! Your comeback for that can be something along the lines of, "my husband and I really enjoy them. Really spices things up if you know what I mean." Then laugh as you watch their jaws drop.

"I would never let my kids go barefoot." "I'm sorry to hear that your kids are missing out on the joys of warm grass under their feet and just being a kid."
"I would never let my kid get that dirty in my house." "My kids have the best imaginations and when their done creating, that's what the bath is for."

"Oh you only want to loose 10 pounds, that's it?" "Yes, how much are you planning to loose?"

I wish things like this didn't happen to perfectly nice people. It's sad that in adult life we have to put up with cliques and rude people. Just know that what goes around, comes around. Be a good example for your kids, live a good life and see if you can meet other moms though park district activities, church, PTA or school activities, etc. Just because they're your neighbors doesn't mean you have to be friends.

Hang in there and if you decide to deliver a witty comeback, post it - I think the moms here would all get a kick. You go girl!

A friend of mine also lives near a few really bitchy women. Just jaw-dropping rudeness. So I know exactly what you mean.

The only solution is to not care what they think. That's what my friend did and does. But it really is upsetting and kind of shocking at first - one thing that helps is to know, it's not you. Some people just don't have enough useful things to do with their time or something.

Definitely stop taking their bait. How you respond is going to depend on your own personality. My neighbor and friend who is very dignified just shuts people down with a polite but cool and superior smile - it's powerful!

I don't have that power, though. I tend to respond to people like that by being very smiley and pretending put-downs are compliments. It freaks them out a bit. (For example, "I would never let kids that dirty in my house" can be countered with, "It's great of you to notice! I've been working h*** o* being the kind of mom who can be that relaxed. Don't you admire people who put their kids' needs in front of their housecleaning? I'm trying to be that good, but it's hard.")

Miss Manners has some good suggestions for how to shut down rude people in her book, "guide for the turn of the millennium" (really! Check it out of the library - it's good stuff.)

Hi J.,
it's funny,this morning, I walked to school and saw this one mom,said hello twice,she just looked at me and closed the door.
I have two high schoolers and one in Kindergarten.it's worse in Elementery school.
I know those mom's ,too you are talking about and it is so hard not to take it personal,but we shouldn't.
I always try to be friendly,not the phony way just friendly.
I can't stand the school secretary,she is very rude and the one mom told me,oh just try to be on her good side.
No thank you.
Yes we are going to be more alone,being ourself and not playing their games,and it is hard sometimes,but I can't lower myself to their standard.
The other posts all said it very well already.
Just keep your head up at all times.
My daughter used to be barefoot all the time !!!!!

It is tough, isn't it? I cannot believe these things are being said to you. I don't know how they know, like there's a secret sign on our forehead which says "you can say anything to me". Here are some sorely learned tips. Because you are laid back and nice, they keep saying these sorts of things. Think of it, some people don't get this and that is because the first time someone says such a thing they say, "Excuse me!!" and show they are offended. You do not show you are offended by either your words or your facial expression or body language, which sends the message that they can say anything to you. I know why, because you are afraid you would cry if you responded. Practice saying this, "You know, I feel hurt by your words." No need to say any more. Answering them in a snotty manner will only makes things worse. If the lady says, "I'm sorry" then you know you are on the right track. As far as the bare feet outside, in an unkind way they are giving you good advice. The ground has old remnants of animal pooh and sometimes there are parasite worms on the ground. It is possible for your children to get infected, that is why it is important that they wear shoes. Do the same thing as I am doing when you make this new rule for them, don't just say they have to wear shoes outside. Tell them why. "I have seen dog pooh in our yard and you have to wear shoes so that you don't step in it." Funny, how a rule is easier to follow when you know the serious reason for it. I once had someone tell me, "If everyone is telling you that you have a tail, you should at least turn around and look." My guess is that you have let yourself and your house go and you should make a serious effort to do better. You don't know, maybe even your children's health issues will be easier to handle if you are more organized.

I live in a similar neighborhood and have experienced similar issues. Ignore them, they have nothing better to do than talk about eachother and you. I do not invite those mom's ever into my home, their kids...yes. I send my 8 and 10 year old boys to the bus stop by themselves, its in the same parking lot as our townhome, so no street crossing and I can see it from my bedroom window. Those mom's still talk bad about me in front of my kids. How a good mom will wait with their kids and a good mom would pull the car up so they could sit in the winter. Ignore them. They obviously have nothing better to do. Find a new playgroup or group of friends for you kids. I just basicly work, come home, do homework, fix dinner, clean house, go to bed. That is my day, too busy for BS!!!

Good Luck and just think how insecure they have to be to have you and your life as their main drama...LOL!

J.,
You are a blessing and some people don't and never will understand your life or your situation. Some people say or do things just to be mean and their is no thought behind it. As long as you know who you are and that you are doing your best, don't worry about no one else, but you and your family.

God Bless You!

You obviously have a good heart. Maybe you can just be civil to these horrible people at the bus stop, but only to "save face." They really don't deserve your kindness, and surely you don't feel comfortable having these women in your home. Why do you have to have the neighborhood at your child's party? Just invite family and real friends and have your child choose a certain number of kids, or do two gatherings separately (still NOT inviting these tactless women...list the drop-off and pick-up times on the invites). I don't ever recall my mom coming with me to any parties. She dropped me off and picked me up and so did my friends parents. I don't quite understand what has become "standard" in some neighborhoods these days. If they are treating you unfairly, then I certainly wouldn't welcome them in your home. Make it a happy memory. If they don't like it, well your goal in life is not to please them. Be true to yourself and to those that matter in your life. Good luck. I feel really bad that you're even having to deal with this. Don't let these negative people bring you down with them.

J., the best way to, "get back," at these women is to lead the most pleasurable life EVER! Smile, laugh, ignore their snide remarks. Who are they in your life? Does it really matter that one woman thinks you need to lose more than 10 pounds? Or the other thinks your boobs are too big? What matters is what you think of yourself. And as long as you are happy with what you've got, who gives a flying you-know-what about what they think. That is their demons and their voices talking about how bad they feel. Have compassion for them. Do you want to be friends with these women? If you do, you may have to change your thoughts towards them. Compliment them. Maybe they're not used to kindness. Get together for lunch and keep it positive. No gossiping. Make them say great things about themselves. What they are grateful for. What their desires are. Sometimes all it takes is just someone flipping a switch and being the ray of sunshine that they are so longing for. I am totally available if you want more suggestions on what to do with getting these women to rally with you or at least make it more tolerable and you can just be completely fabulous on your own. I have to take my son to school, so I don't have time to proofread. Hopefully it's all good. haha. Good luck, and really, just call. Love, R.
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SG Sunshine
Mamagenas.com (This might be a fun site to visit for more info on fun ideas)

Hi J. You didn't say what type of health issure your children have that they behave the way they do. But I would tell these women to mind their own business and don't associate with them period. Because the first time they say something cruel to you it's their fault the second time they do it, it's your for continuing to let it happen.

People like this can be anywhere, are every where. Moving won't necessarily help, and withdrawing isn't good for you or the example you want to set for your kids. Sometimes the things we resist are the very things we need to walk towards. There's a life lesson for you here if you're willing to take it on. The way for their little digs to not take hold is to feel OK with your decisions. "My kids love running around barefoot. It's fun." "Yup, 10 lbs would be great." Realize that their comments are not so much about you, but a reflection of themselves. It's their own insecurity and need to feel superior that drives them to pick on you. In some ways, you are back in the school yard and the popular clique is being mean to you so they can seem cool. Your confidence is your protection. Your lack of worry about what they think is your sheild. You don't need their approval. It might feel nice, but it's not necessary. You are the only one who needs to feel OK with your choices and yourself. There's nothing wrong with letting kids run around barefoot, playing in the mud, having a little fun. Have compassion for these unhappy women and be glad you're not them.

Sigh. There are always going to be nasty people in the world and unfortunately, moms are no exception! It's a shame that you have such snarky moms in your neighborhood.

It's hard to know when to bite your tongue to keep the peace and when to speak up, but here's my take:

First off- get reinforcements!! If there are moms you like either on your block or at your school, band together!! You may find that more people are annoyed by the snotty moms than you realized. See if you can spend more time with the moms who you agree with and be friends with them! Basic politeness is one thing- but you don't have to be friends with moms who just bring you down! See if you can get some other nicer friends to hang with around the other moms. They are MUCH less likely to be nasty if the odds are evened up and you're with another friend!

If someone makes a sort of sideways, snarky remark- like about your boob size- as if it were a joke, but really they are just being mean, come right back at them the same way!

In high school I had large breasts for my age and I remember a girl making fun of them in gym. I didn't know what to say (so embarrassed!) and one of my best girlfriends stepped right in, looked at the other girl's flat chest and snapped out

"Better the Rocky Mountains than the Great Plains!"

Suddenly the tables were turned and everyone laughed at the other girl and she never picked on me again!! I know it can hurt to stoop to their level, but they will pick on you until you stand up for yourself. After all, if they are just 'kidding around' then you should be able to 'kid' them back, right?

Making rude or disapproving comments about your children, your house or your family are another thing entirely. That's really hurtful and even though a lot of moms can't seem to stop themselves from criticizing other people's kids or homes, that does NOT make it ok!!

You do NOT owe these woman any excuses or explanations about your house rules, schedule, etc. None. But you might feel better if you can reply with something besides an excuse!

If someone comments on your kids being dirty, look them right in the eye and say

"I believe that its really good for kids to be kids and play outside and get dirty and have fun, DON'T YOU? They have their whole lives to sit inside at a desk and work. Besides, that's what soap and water were invented for!"
Turn it back on them and expose their comment for the petty cheap shot it is. After all, who can argue that kids should be able to run around outside and play?!?! It makes her comment look rediculous!

And my VERY favorite come back when someone says your house is too small, too dirty, whatever-

"OUR house is a HOME, not a museum! My family is happy and comfortable and that's whats important to me!"

And remember, even though its too bad about the nasty moms, that IS the most important thing! Look at your kids and be happy about your family. People who constantly criticize are often unhappy themselves. Too bad for them!

I know that some days you just want to respond in like with a "You know what you "blank"..." BUT you're doing the right thing by not feeding into it/responding to their negative behaviors & attitudes. To respond in the same manner just keeps a lot of bad energy circulating. You can look at their behavior as an unwanted gift you've received that you CAN return unopened. In other words, be confident that the choices YOU make for YOUR children/family are the right ones; continue to be kind & friendly towards them regardless of what they say as it begets gr8 things to be returned to you; & feel secure in the fact that the real friends you do have are your TRUE support base (as in when you need to talk or vent or share true joy in your life they are the ones you will call) for anything in your life and these unfriendly women in your community are recyclable.

Keep going to the bus stop & I would give them a little dig back. Like "It must be so nice not to have a filtering device from your brain to your mouth. I'm always so tactful when I'm insulting someone." Or "Wow I can't believe you just said that out loud. My Momma/Grandma who taught me manners would roll over in her grave if I ever said that to someone." Or "Oh that's so funny you just said that because I was thinking the same thing about you. I would never have actually said it to your face though, because that would be rude." Say it with a smile & a nice voice, so that it doesn't sound like your insulting them. This will totally take them off guard. The main thing to remember is to be confident & don't let those bitches intimidate you. After all, you are better then them & you need to let them know it. They will stop picking on you once you let your confidence shine through.

If you dont feel comfortable telling them to drop dead or that they are bitches, then just dont be around them. Try to get to the bus stop just as the bus comes and then leave as soon as your child is on. Dont waste time with them. If they ask why you are rushing off, tell them you have so much to do, or no reason, just have to go. Leave them to be rude with themselves. If you see them at parties, ignore them, walk the other way. They will get the point and see you dont want to associate with them.

Wow - I find it amazing but not surprised that women can be that mean. I would use some funny remarks - like to the boob lady - tell her you are a stand-in for Dolly Parton! You should not have to explain yourself at all. I had neighbors whose home had everything always picked up and in its place. That wasn't my home with kids - we had fun and played. If the house had to be picked up - then I was always yelling at the boys - what fun is that?

I found a poem that I had framed - I can send it to you via email - let me know - one of the lines in the poem was - the doorbells in my house may not shine, but you see a shine in the light in my children's eyes.

I think it is important to choose your values and stand up for them. You didn't choose these people to be your friends - they just happen to live nearby. Kudos to you that you don't feel you have to invite them to your birthday parties, etc - that is for your friends and family.

At some point - depending on your children's age - you might want to talk to your children about appropriate topics that we do and don't talk about with others - such as something that someone else said is not a nice thing to say.

My guess would be that these are either people who feel superior to someone when they make such comments - or they are not Christian women.

Just my opinion.

M.

I can completely understand how these women get under your skin so bad! But when my kids complain that someone says something mean to them, I ask them, "Well, do you think it's true? Were they right?" The answer is always "No" and I simply say, "then you have nothing to worry about." Your feelings only get hurt when you start to believe what others say. Believe in yourself, stay true to your beliefs and just let those comments slide right off of you. I agree with the other posts that say these women are obviously insecure about themselves in some way and feel better belittling others. There are also people, I believe, that generally do not realize they are being hurtful. I am certainly not defending them, but there are people who just speak without thinking and then it's gone from their mind. Honestly, I am sometimes envious of those people. I am one to constantly replay conversations in my head and then I start worrying if I offended someone in someway - it is an exhausting way to live! Anyway, not too long ago, I read in a book that you need to surround yourself with only positive, uplifting people that make you happy. The negative ones that drag you down are called "psychic vampires" (I love that term!) and they just suck the life right out of you. Don't let that happen! You can't always avoid the psychic vampires, but you can minimize your time with them and know in your heart that you are a good mother and a good person. I'm sure if you look hard enough, there are other women in the neighborhood that are also keeping their distance from this group. Seek them out! I'm sure you will be much happier! Best of luck to you!

You poor woman. I don't have any advice, but I will pray for you.

Oy. I could write you a novella on this one. I have a four-year-old (almost five) daughter on the autistic spectrum. With her tantrums, repetitive behavior and lack of social skills, you can imagine the reactions I get from some of these mommies. Fortunately, the people with whom I've surrounded my family are pretty decent. The rest of the moms in the neighborhood, we just politely ignore each other. I don't invite them over because we don't have very fancy digs, like a house or one of those pretty condos. (No yard, everything smells like pee because the kiddo refuses to toilet train, and there's a lot of clutter because my husband does archival work on the side.) I'm afraid to invite moms over who I don't know well because I've been judged about my messy home in the past.

All that said, it's important to remember that I'm doing the best that I can with what I have. I'm sure you're doing the same. Parenting a special-needs child requires greater sacrifice, and a lot of parents of typically-developing kids don't really "get" that. There's a whole 'nother set of priorities in this household. So, when one of those mommies digs, I make a remark reflecting just how important their opinion is in my life. "Oh. Well, then. Sorry we won't be coming over anytime soon," "Why are you so interested in my large breasts?" or (one of my personal faves), "Perhaps you are right. I prefer not to sweat the small stuff, though." You probably also want to avoid discussing any sensitive topics with these women. They don't sound like the most compassionate diet buddies:^)

One more suggestion: I've really benefitted from support groups relevant to my daughter's condition. I mean, I'll take her anywhere, it's just that being in constant advocacy mode is exhausting. Sometimes I just want to hang out without having to explain why she doesn't answer questions, you know?

Good luck!

Sometimes I think the best response is a simple and heartfelt "ouch", with a slightly hurt look on your face. Nothing overly dramatic, and nothing caty or sarcastic. No one will argue back if you say ouch. They'll feel like an idiot and won't even be able to defend themselves. If they do try to say something like "oh, that's not what I meant", just say something back like "oh no, I'm sure you didn't." Take the high road and you'll see great results. Stick with it!

Ugh! Women can be so mean sometimes. I just don't get it!

Anyway, you need to meet some more people, other than the ladies on the block.
You are looking for the same kind of connection you had at your old neighborhood,
and it's just NOT going to happen. At least, not right away. How long did you live in the old neighborhood? I think people forget how long it takes to really build a strong, trusting friendship with someone. And, I can tell that you are the kind of person who values friendships and is not just a fair weathered friend. Until you become more comfortable with your "Wisteria Lane friends", seek out other groups. Take a class, go to the library, join a women's church group, etc.

If there is one nice lady on the block, concentrate on her. One good friend is better than a whole group of mean ones!

Good Luck! I know it's hard!

PS-the women with the boob comments is just jealous!!!!

S : )

Hi,
I love the response you received from Effie. Respond with : You are right about that. It will not be easy but give it a try for some days. Under no circumstance try to hurt back or get down to their level, that is what they want. Obviously they must be jalouse of you to act as they do.
Also if they say something nasty, I would totally ignore it switch the subject and say something like what you think the weather will be like today.... act like you do not even hear their nonsense. At some point they will probably think you are crazy, but that makes you scary and they will leave it alone:-)
Or get yourself a walkman, IPod, etc.and listen or pretend you listen to some music/ prayers/whatever you like while at the bus stop
Sorry you have to deal with these ignorant Mom's, hope you will be able to stay above it.

Hi J.,

I haven't read through all the responses, so I apologize if I am being redundant! Anyway, are you sure these are grown women and not a bunch of local high school gals at the bus stop? I'm kidding, but geez it certainly sounds like these "women" (and I use the term loosely) could use a few lessons on behaving like a grown-up! I empathize with you myself. My own daughter just started prek and when I go to pick her up there are always certain "cliques" of moms huddled in groups. They have never made any direct mean comments to me, but they barely return a wave most days. While I don't expect them to jump at the chance to be my new best friend, a hello back probably couldn't hurt. I just say hello as I pass and then wait for my daughter. At first I found their behavior annoying, but now I realize some people just never mature past junior high. I think you should just keep doing what you have been doing. Definitely don't invite these women to your parties or other special occasions. Try and get your kids involved with groups or clubs that have a variety of other children for them to mingle with. Don't give up all hope....there is bound to be at least one other "normal" mom out there who still lets their kid get dirty and eat artifical flavoring now and then! While I wouldn't make it a point to be confrontational with these gals, I wouldn't just let them push you around either. They are just like any other bully, whether it be 1st grade, highschool, or sadly adult women. Usually if you stand up to a bully, they will back down. If they are making outright rude comments to you, especially in front of your children, I feel you should respond and stick up for yourself! You don't have to stoop to their level with catty remarks, but don't be their emotional punching bag either. If one of them comments on your kids dirty feet, say something like "I'd appreciate it if you would keep your rude and unsolicited advice to yourself please", then walk away. Set an example for your kids that they should stand up for themselves when someone is being abusive to them. You can show them how to do that without violence or vulgar language. It is an important lesson for them to learn, and it is important that these women aren't being allowed to take a shot at your self-esteem. Letting these bullies keep you from taking your own child to the bus stop is giving them more power to hurt you. It is also showing your child to take a cowardly way out (and I don't mean that disrespectfully to you) and one day down the road he may need to know how to stand up for himself.

If you don't have something nice to say, say nothing at all! Shut them down J., quietly, discreetly, but pointedly. Your ladylike behavior is no match for these women. Think of retorts for the more common ignorant comments and spit them in a low voice when the time is right. Don't make a scene, but let them know you are not interested in the commentary. I bet it stops, or you relationships can be reduced to waving in the driveway and smiling politely in public.
Good Luck!

Unfortunately this is the way some people are. I don't speak to any other moms in my neighborhood either. I am one of the only working moms and I think I just don't fit in. We have different lives. At the bus stop I am just quiet and mind my own business. It is a shame because my son does play with some of the kids. People are jerks, I don't really have advice other than I feel your pain.

Your situation really does suck, and there are no easy solutions. I would just say to get a really thick skin and know that it is their insecurities and issues and not yours. I know you want to strike back (who wouldn't), but don't let them turn you into what they are. Focus on your children. Keep your distance from the other mothers, make your conversations with them short (seem too busy for them) and then at the bus stop maybe just talk to your children about the day ahead of them. It sounds like you have close friends out of the neighborhood....keep close with them, and maybe think about joining a MOPS group or mom's group in your area to meet other moms.....meetup.com or your church is a great way to find all kinds of groups! Good Luck!

I didn't read through all the responses, but in my experience, people usually say mean or hurtful things for one (or both) of these reasons... they're unhappy with their own lives, or they're jealous of what you have/do/are. In other words, if I were you, I'd feel sorry for these women.

How would you want your child to respond to a "friend" who treated him/her that way? Just be sure you model that behavior!

Good luck! It's too bad that we have to be exposed to rude and inconsiderate people!

I would be very direct and candid with them, for example, next time you get whatever comment, say something like, "That was incredibly offensive to me, and I would appreciate it if you would keep those thoughts to yourself."
It's very rare for anyone to be so direct, and the mom in question would probably be shocked speechless, hopefully for a good long while! Of course that would take a lot of guts on your part, and you'd probably be uncomfortable while saying it, but would that be any worse than how uncomfortable you are now? I wish you all the best of luck, and let me know if it works out! I feel for you!

And we wonder where some of these preteen girls get their attitudes. Look at the moms.

I am trying to teach my 11yr old on how to keep people from bullying her. Never let them see that it bothers you what they say ( hard sometimes, I know). Maybe next time they say something about the kids being barefoot, just say " My kids are having so much fun, not having to worry about getting there clothes dirty".

Also, the breast comments. Say " Thank you, I just love my large breasts!

End of story. At the bus just bring the kids, say a polite hello, and then once the kids our on the bus. "Sorry I have to run, busy day".

Sorry that the neighborhood moms are making you feel unwelcomed in your neighborhood. I was not real sure if they are calling your children dirty and why. I love going barefoot so I don't let other stop me from being comfortable. Now as far as how much weight you want to loose that is for you to decide and the size of your breast. Tell them God gave you extra so they would have something to talk about since they don't have enough in their life to deal with. When they say those hurtful thing just respond with God love you too inspite of you. You can't stop people from talking about you and your children but you can gentle remind them that there is such a thing as manners and if you can't say anything nice then don't say anything at all. Just imagine what they are saying around their children about your children. Just stand proud of what you do and who you are. Let God fight your battle and lead you with what to say to those rude, snotty, uppity moms that have nothing better to do than to try to put you down so that they can feel important.

J. ,

I'm so sorry this woman are being mean!I dont know there motive but its down right mean! I feel so bad for you! You poor mom! I think you should get a good psycholigst to help you deal with these woman. I think it will be money put to good use. As it seems you will be by them alot hru out your life. i've heard a billion reasons why bullys treat us a certain way. we send the messages it ok? there jealous? they put other ppl down to feel better about there selves?

who knows the real reason but it HURTS! and it real!

gods blessings to you

D.

Hi J.--

The first thing I notice is that you are way to nice! I recognize that you want to get along in your neighborhood with people, but once you put them in check, they will think twice about saying anything they want to you. Another thing, are your children dirty? You never said once that you send your children out to play clean and they come back dirty, and most kids if allowed to play the way they want to play, will not only come back dirty they will come back inside filthy! You say you've been married to your husband for 13 years are you all happy? What does he have to say? I would never stop taking my kids to the bus stop just because some OLD bullies talk about me. Get some back bone and take care of your kids and don't worry about your neighbors. I have three adult children and 9 grandchildren, only two girls.

This can happen anywhere, anytime, as that's just how most women are. I went through the same situation; you're there for your children, not to win friends and influence people. Smile, don't try to fit in, unless you want to be one of the 'desperate housewives' and remember that God loves you and would want you to be an example to these women. Who knows, maybe one of them may actually like who you are and change their ways. I would also suggest to pray for them.
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I am so sorry those women have treated you that way! It is very unfortunate that some people do not grow up. I am a firm believer that people who cut others down are trying to make themselves feel better. I would not feel bad avoiding these women. The old saying monkey see monkey do will probably be true. Their children will probably start to treat their friends this way. It sounds like you have really good friends from when you were younger. I am sure that your children are well taken care of and cared for!!! Please don't allow these women to make you feel bad! Good luck!!!

I am so sorry to hear you are going through this. That STINKS! You would like to not have to invite them to parties, but if your kids are friends that is so hard. You don't want them saying things to your kids (about you our their home life) when you are not there. As hard as it is, I would not leave my children alone with that kind of behavior. Also, put yourself in your children's shoes. What would you want your child to do if they were being bullied. Because you are definately being bullied by these women who are using their numbers to make it even worse. I would be firm and stand up for yourself. "Are you trying to hurt me or do you just not realize that what you are saying is rude?" Good Luck!

Hi J.,
I'm afraid I have no real advice for you except I know in some ways how you feel. I have not heard the comments like you have but I seriously doubt I would be able to be as gracious as you have been. I find myself in a sort of similar situation in my neighborhood. Here people are rather snobby and very close knit (or clique-ish) and even though I've been here for 4 years, I would say I've probably only made 3 real friends. I get the cold shoulder a lot and people seem to go out of their way to make sure you are the last to know something. But anyways, I've just involved myself in things like the PTA, so I can find out what's going on for myself and my children. I do lots activities with my kids at different parks in different areas of the city, (this is what helped me to confirm that it was them and not me!)and I take my kids to church too. It gets me down too that I can't have a nice relationship with my neighbors, but to them, I'm apparently an outsider because I didn't grow up around here (and I'm a good 10 years younger than most of the other moms) I limit my contact with them and when I do see them, I am always polite and say hello, but usually, I just get a nod or something. That's fine- they obviously have never moved beyond high school and I'm pretty sure that even if they did decided to acknowledge me, I probably wouldn't really want to be friends. I'm sorry I have no concrete suggestions for you, but I wanted to let you know that you are definitely not alone in having problems like this-I always remind myself that I am married to a great man, I have 2 beautiful, smart and fun kids and I am doing pretty well otherwise. It makes me really cherish the good friends that I do have!

Ok here is my opinion and one that i have done in the past. People like that have nothing better to do with their time then cause others problems. NO !! Do not stop taking your kids to the bus cause nine chances out of ten if you do not show your kids will be coming home upset by what they hear. After the children get on the bus politely ask them what their problem is. If they can not give a response that is true then tell them that you are done with their pettyness and that you will not tolorate this kind of behavior. BE ASSERTIVE !! Hold your head up high and do not back down. Let them know you mean what you say. If they have a problem with you then they can bring it to you like adults. Not to make your children uncomfortable because you will not stand for it!!!!!!!!!! If you do nothing then it will continue and get further out of hand. Other than that you can try to take you children to school and seperate yourself and kids from these females who obviously do not know how to act approprietly.
I am sorry this is happening to you and your children and wish you the best of luck.
OH AND BY THE WAY YOU NEVER NEED TO EXPLAIN YOURSELF TO ANYONE !!!

Thanks for posting this! I loved reading all the comments from the supportive moms. I have felt this way many times in the past. I don't wear a ton of makeup and dress up just to drop my kid off at school. Plus I have had a hard time losing my baby weight with my second son. I have received those looks from other mothers and felt like I was in High school all over again. We should be supportive and nurturing with other moms. Being a mother is hard, and you really don't know what life is like for other moms until you walk a mile in their shoes. I also was a teacher and watched this behavior with the some of the moms in my classrooms. It saddens me to think even as adults, women still act like self centered teenagers. I wish you luck and just try to be better than them and don't get on their level by putting them down. Just ignore them and try to be civil at moments when you are forced to be around them.

J.,

You are so not alone! I read your post and it sounds just like me! I call the women in my neighborhood phony witches. We've lived here 3 yrs. and have never really played w/any kids. Next door is one yr. older! My son is now in KG, they had a neighborhood back to school party and invited all except us. I didn't know and my kids went running over so excited. I was sick to my stomach trying to get out! I played dumb and just made small talk. I see them at school now, they walk right past and totally ignore me, one time we were both the only two in the hallway! Or they notice me and turn their head quickly. It's so rude. So I'm in the same boat, what do I do? I don't want to be phony. But for my kids sake do I make small talk at the bus stop? I'm thinking I'd like to ignore them too. We've finally started meeting other moms through birthday parties and class. I just know these phonies talk behind my back and it makes me sick. My mom put a good spin on it. I have nothing to offer them! I don't have a pool, glamorous job, etc... In my whole life I've never had problems making friends. I don't care that I'm not a part of their click, I don't want to be, just don't want people making life h*** o* my kids. I guess I'm saying try to be true and not phony, which is what I'm trying to do, it's just hard! Good luck!