Help - Husband Had Terrible Birthday! Deleted

I am all for strong & consistent discipline with a child -- but it MUST be age appropriate and there is definitely a time to consider that your point's been made and you need to drop it.

Couples counseling and / or parenting classes are a really good idea. Over 20+ years of marriage & parenting, I've found that there's nothing like raising kids with someone to bring out any communication issues in a couple. Work with a counselor (and the sooner, the better). Go yourself if he won't go.

Sorry his birthday was disappointing, but it sounds like his petulant actions were the issue, not a 3 yo being 3.

You are an adult and how he treated you is okay because you can speak up for yourself if you want, or you can learn to be patient with his tantrum. However, when it comes to your daughte, he was completely cruel and inappropriate. He modeled bad behavior to her, and he probably hurt her feelings. he needs to teach her how a man should act and treat his family, so she has high expectations of her boyfriends and husband. He owes her an apology for being a grump and not speaking kindly to her and for holding a grudge. Advice? INSIT upon an apology to his daughter. It's one thing to feel crappy and want to hide and be alone and pout. We all feel that way sometimes. But you have to use your words, and tell your family, "I don't feel great, I'm sorry I don't' feel like playing or being social, I just need some time alone." A grown man needs to own his mistake.

PS - totally agree with April C. - It was his/your bad decision to let your child stand in the parking lot. yes, she disobeyed, and needs to be disciplined for it. But he did set her up for failure in a very dangerous situation. A three year old can't be trusted in a parking lot!! But maybe part of him even feels guilty about that.

Sounds to me like your hubby doesn't understand 3 year olds. They still hear so little of what we say, and are sooooo distracted.

He isn't acting much better than a child himself. Stop trying to appease him, and ignore him! Your poor daughter doesn't deserve her dad taking his bad bday out on her.

Also, withholding love and emotion is not how to discipline a child. It doesn't work, they end up acting out worse to get your attention.

Age appropriate expectations and age appropriate behavior. Her behavior was completely age appropriate. His was not.

As an adult, we need to learn how to suck it up and deal when things don't go our way. Sounds like a lesson he needs to learn.

I think Girlie makes a good point. Was this a milestone birthday? Could there have been something else bothering him? Because if that's true, he was just using your daughter's behavior as an excuse. If not, he needs to learn how to rise above life's disappointments and enjoy the day anyway.

Jennifer "poopy pantsed" That's hilarious!

Ask him who is the child in your household him or your daughter. He is being very selfish and child like. Sitting around pouting is not going to change anything. Was this a milestone birthday? Sometimes people can't deal with going into another decade or being close to one. I hope everything works out.

He had a bad day, and for the most part, because he chose to have a bad day. There are definitely two things he needs to realize. First, his expectations for his daughter were not at all age appropriate. Everything you described her doing is entirely normal. Three year olds like to explore, they like to touch things, they need to push boundaries. And repeatedly telling her no is not the answer. It's not that she isn't listening to you, it's just completely hardwired into her at this point in her development. Her impulse control is not that strong. You have to work with her and give her direction and help her to see what she can do. Give her some control. You can say, "Either stay with us or it's time to ride in the cart." If she is having one of those days where she simply cannot seem to follow directions, you put her in the child seat in the cart and belt her in. She might not like it at first, but you will all (including her) will have a much better shopping experience.

Second, you are absolutely right that he is not dealing with her punishment correctly. She is not capable of making the connection that he is asking of her. He is sending her the message that he no longer loves her, and he's punishing himself more than anyone else because he's refusing to smile or laugh or enjoy his birthday. He's got it in his head that it's ruined, so he's not even trying to salvage it.

Yelling at her repeatedly and only trying to get the behavior to stop by lecturing her is not going to work on a 3 year old. All she's going to hear is the teacher from Charlie Brown "whah, whah, whah." And unless you looked her in the eye and say, "You need to do what Mommy and Daddy say or we're not going to be able to go to the outdoor store," then it's really not fair to take that away from her. Same with the book.

This is one of the things that make 3 a tough age, but you have to be realistic about your expectations and understand effective ways to handle her when she does misbehave. You have to get down on her level, look her in the eye and say, "Stay by the car, you could get hit by a car, you scared Mommy and Daddy." If this is common behavior, put her in her car set and then unload the cart.

Keep in mind that your husband had a bad day, and really the only person he punished be staying mad was himself. Just love him today and shrug it off. If he is still being "poopy pantsed" (as my husband calls it) then look him in the eye and say, "Look, I'm sorry your birthday was kind of a bummer, but today is a new day. Don't let yesterday ruin today. Smile, and try to make the best of it." In the end, the only one you can control is you, so if you smile and try to start the day off right, maybe he will too.

I am sorry, who is three, your daughter or your husband............ seriously, so much emphasis on the little girl and it would seem, how she ruined his day... tell him to grow up..... 3 year olds DO act up....In my opinion, once you have kids and especially that young aren't out to get you and therefore does not know if she is ruining someone's day.. Thing is, when my son was very young, I was pleased to share my birthday with him.. your husband could have had more of a sense of humor about things. Additionally, punishing a child AFTER the fact, especially long after isn't going to help her.. Also, it angers me when a child is not spoken to.. believe me, kids don't learn anything from that.. the silent treatment...
I really have no sympathy for your husband.. but I do for your little daughter... what a desperate , sad feeling she must have had trying to get her father to speak to her.. Oh and you say, she acts just like your husband... truth is.. your husband stills acts like a little kid..
I will always come to a little kid's defense before an adult... my advice, I would sit him down, discuss with him EXACTLY what he is doing and mirror back to him his behavior... IF my husband ever did that to our son, I would be livid......

I agree with everything Julie said. :)

He needs to get over it, like yesterday!! Its not your fault the day went bad, but you were adult enough to get over it. Hes acting like a big baby and ruined his own birthday.

I know toddlers are frustrating sometimes, but thats life.

She is 3, she goes in the cart when at the store. Ask her if she wants to sit in the seat or the big part of the basket. She may have a tantrum but she will get the idea. As for the parking lot...good Lord, she is a toddler and you weren't holding her hand????? She is not supposed to know her boundaries yet and it's your job to protect her! She is shorter than the hood/trunk of a vehicle so she is in any drivers blind spot in the parking lot. It is your job to hold her hand.

Now that I am off my soapbox, hubby sounds like he is coming down with something. He nibbled on something when he smelled it or saw it being left on the plate, that does not mean he lied, he didn't feel well.

As for the continuation of the bad mood. My hubby is best left alone when he is feeling out of sorts, I just let him go off to the bedroom and watch TV in there, sleep, what every he wants to do. When you don't feel good you are crabby and cranky and ....all sorts of nasty. If he is normally like this they I would just do what I normally do, if he's not usually like this then take it for what it is, he is coming down with something and feels crappy. Keep kiddo away so she won't get it next.

There is really not a whole lot you can do. Just be the best mom and wife you can be and this will blow over soon. You shared with your husband how you felt about how he treated your daughter, which is great. Let it go now. He'll figure it out. I would have just given him space. He was in a bad mood and probably just needed some space to calm down. Trying to cheer him up with a movie and "tea" probably didn't help his mood. When at the store, I would never trust my 3 year old to stand by the car. Even if they are normally very good. I would sit them in the car while I get the baby in or get them in first. But hindsight is always 20/20. But in the future... =) Hang in there! I know you had just as bad a day as your husband did. Be loving and kind to him and try to make it up to him. If he continues to be in a bad mood, give him some space while being loving toward him. I wish you the best.

Totally get the bday thing - my hubby hates his bday (it's New Year Eve and he always felt cheated as a kiddo cause his parents would dump him with a sitter and go out) and I don't think he ever got over it - lol. So I would just ignore that part and move on.

As for the discipline- well - she was spinning around in a parking lot - a very dangerous situation! I agree that she needed to be punished and I think pulling privileges worked - but wouldn't have carried it on into the evening.

Not sure how to solve this one - perhaps you can talk to him at another time (when things aren't heated) and say it really bothers you when he continues to "punish" your little one well past the necessary punishment time frame. She's little and really won't understand that Daddy doesn't want to play "tea" because she ran around in the parking lot 4 hours earlier.

Or - you can ask him how he felt as a little kid when his Mom treated him that way (way over punishing) and then maybe it will click for him that he's doing the same to his own kiddo.

Good luck.

Okay... I think that both your husband and your daughter need some positive reinforcement. They both need to be "trained up" (so to speak) with some positivity. Using expressions and examples of how you would like them and yourself to behave rather than pointing out how they have failed and how don't want them to behave will work much better.

The thing is, most of her behaviors are just a kid being a carefree kid. He's withholding love and affection from her like a petulant brat because of what he perceives as her disobedience. Except he's not really laying down the groundwork of parenting.

When you go out in public, tell her beforehand what you expect from her and put it in positive and happy terms. You can set it up as behavior rules, but make them as positive as possible. So avoid, "You will not run into the parking lot; you will not touch everything in the store; you will not disobey Daddy." That's setting her up to fail and putting the ideas in her head.

1. When we're in the store, stay near Mommy and Daddy or you'll have to ride in the cart/stroller.
2. When we're in the store, keep your hands to yourself. If you don't keep your hands to yourself, we will have to leave the store.
3. When we're in the store, we're polite. We keep our voices quiet and we walk. If you don't, we will have to leave the store.
4. When we're in the parking lot, you must stay close to Mommy and Daddy for safety. If you don't, you could get hurt. [But seriously, on this one, get her in the car immediately and get her buckled in. Don't give her time to dawdle and go out into the driving area to twirl and play. Hold her hand when you're out in the parking lot and while you're unlocking the car and then put her directly into her seat and buckle her in. No excuses.]
5. Praise her when she follows directions. "I love how you're keeping your hands to yourself. Great job!" "I love how polite you are. You have wonderful manners."
6. When she doesn't follow the rules, she gets one reminder. "Don't forget... you have to keep your hands to yourself and hold Mommy's hand in the store. If you don't, then we have to leave." "I think I hear whining/shouting/crying... if that's you then we have to leave."

So you lay out the expectations you have of her from the get-go, and you also lay out the consequences. If you do this, you get to stay and you get praise. She'll learn that pretty quickly. If you don't follow directions and follow the rules, you'll get removed from the fun and lose privileges.

I know you'll probably think, "But it's annoying to have to leave and we do all of our errands as a family!" It's worth it to teach the boundaries and ground rules for good manners and positive behaviors even if it means you have to inconvenience yourself. Parenting is not convenient. There are times you're going to have to just go back later without her and without your husband. Or go just you and your daughter. Or just send your husband.

You have to learn to think of your daughter's behavior as communication. She's only 3 years old, so communicating is still really tricky for her. You have to read her behavior as language, not just her words. And you have to anticipate when the rough times of day will be, and what sorts of things trigger her behaviors.

Give her a snack before you go out. Most kids get crabby when they're hungry and tired, and you can't blame them and say they should know better. Hell, it sounds like your husband gets crabby when he's hungry and tired and HE doesn't know better than to behave like a grouchy jerk so why should your daughter be on her best behavior? He's an adult and should know better but he's not being a good example for her. He's acting like a child rather than an adult, and if he continues like this, it's not going to be pretty.

Oh boy! I have walked in your shoes, and I know it isn't fun. My husband doesn't like birthdays or holidays (some reasons valid, IMO, some not), so he never wants a fuss. This year was his 40th and I didn't do a thing (because of past experiences and current threats). As it turns out, this disappointed him, too - I just can't win :) On the flip side, I want everything to be perfect on special days and sometimes end up grumpy when things, as I know they will, don't go according to my well-laid plans. If only we could meet somewhere in the middle...

As for parenting your daughter, I think that's a tougher one. Sure, you could do all the things that others suggested - books, classes, counseling, etc. - or you could accept that we each do things differently. Ask yourself whether the two of you agree on the major things when it comes to your daughter. If so, then let this one go. I've had a tendency to want to "discuss" with my husband every time we differ on our approach. He's reminded me (really, thrown back in my face) our belief that two parents are better than one for precisely this reason - kids get exposed to more than one way of doing things. It may be little stuff like loading the dishwasher or driving to school. It can also be bigger stuff like reacting to bad behavior. As long as he gets over it in a day or so (this one sounds like it may be compounded by the general crappy feeling of a virus, so give him some leeway), it won't do her any long term harm. He may well be like a lot of dads who will relate much better to your kids as they get a bit older. Remember, too, that there are things you do that he'd like you to do differently. That's how a parnership works. The most important part is coming to terms with how to handle the ones that really bug you.

Hopefully you are over your frustration with his personal choices (I know it bugs me when hubby is obviously coming down with something but doesn't try to help himself with good nutrition, sleep, etc. but I truthfully can't say that I'm one to throw stones - always easier to see it in others, I guess). Give him a hug, tell him you love him and that you hope he feels better, and plan to make your special meal over the next few days. Oh yeah, give yourself and your little ones an extra hug too :)

I read the original post and I sympathize!!

My husband is the same way and I HATE IT and I tell him so repeatedly. When you find the child doing something, you have an immediate punishment and or one that lasts awhile to fit the infraction. Withholding LOVE, ATTENTION and INTERACTION is not the way to punish a child, especially when it happened hours ago. I wish you didn't delete your post, because I was going to have my husband read it tonight so we could discuss it also.

I recommend reading a discipline book together to get everyone on the same page, and so both of you can learn healthy ways to discipline that are usually effective. Also, plenty of other things could have helped the day go smoother, like planning ahead on the shopping trips and such. Like, putting her in the carseat BEFORE you unload the groceries so she isn't out in the parking lot free to roam, or strapping her in the cart so she isn't running around the store touching things, or not going on multiple outings in one day.

I highly recommend Dr. Sears' Discipline Book. A lot of his advice can be read here too:
http://askdrsears.com/topics/discipline-behavior

As for him, it sounds like he had a rough day, especially since he's under the weather already. Honestly, it sounds pretty crappy and I would have been exhausted and frustrated by the time I got home too. I would let him cool off, but talk to him about it soon on better ways to plan outings and expectations of a 3 year old's behavior. And both of you can work on foreseeing problems and correcting them before they happen.

I think your husbands cold shoulder punishment is over the top for a 3 yr old.
Holding a grudge is what he's doing and it's not a great way to discipline.
'I always love you. I don't always love some of your decisions." is something we said a lot for awhile till our son was a bit older and could understand and follow directions better (and I had him on a leash till I could trust he wouldn't run off).
So your husband is going to give her the silent treatment for how long?
When in a parking lot with 2 kids and 2 adults - both adults get the kids into their seats and once they are secure THEN you deal with loading the stuff.
The kids are more important than the stuff.
Dad couldn't help feeling sick and the 3 yr old not listening sounds like she wasn't in the best shape for an outing either.
Perhaps it might have gone better had both stayed home while you ran errands.
If he's open to it, you guys can celebrate the birthday another time.
These things happen and life's too short to dwell on it for very long.