Help with Helicopter Mom?

What's wrong with quiet and calm? Not sure I follow.

I was always told, is kid happy? If so, let it go.

Calm and quiet does not equal not happy.

That could just be his personality.

Does he have a friend or 2 (or 3..)? If so, then let it go.

If he's not like you, that doesn't mean he's not happy. It just means he's not like you. He may be more like his dad.

I have worried about my children at times, because that's MY nature, and MY problem. I am a tad anxious and as others have said, sometimes we need to get busy with something else if we find we're fixated on it. Or get counseling. I have some introverted kids, and that concerned me, because I was more social. Being introverted does not = not happy. I had to learn that.

Some kids also go through stages. Some of mine went through quiet, not very social stages, only to find a new group of pals when they hit a certain stage and then I never saw them again. Most did actually. So I learned, through experience, to just relax and enjoy the time I had with them.

You may be projecting your fears/concerns onto your son and picking up on problems that are not there. If you feel though that there is depression there and your hubby is in denial, then talk to a counselor yourself who can guide you. Go from there. They will know the questions to ask. Good luck

Get a hobby or a job. Find something you can do for you and leave your son alone. I know that sounds a bit harsh. You need to find something for you so that when he does leave home, you will not implode because you are now an empty nester. It is our job to prepare our children to be able to live on their own without our help.

There are going to be times when he will fall on his face but that is the only way we learn how to overcome problems. Life is not all roses and sunshine. You learn from the hard times more than the soft cushy times.

Good luck to you and your son.

the other S.

It's good that you're aware of your own tendencies. Sounds like you would benefit from some work with a counselor to work through your worries and anxiety and get feedback.

Your son sounds right on track for adolescence but if you haven't raised a boy through this stage yet, and weren't a boy yourself, and didn't have brothers or don't remember what they were like, it's hard to know what's developmentally normal and healthy or not. There are some good books out there that are helpful for understanding adolescent boys, especially for moms. I really liked Masterminds and Wingmen and found it very insightful.

Since you know it's a problem and you can't stop, I suggest that you see a therapist to deal with your own uncontrolled anxiety.

You could try reading How to Raise an Adult. Lots of good evidence hovering and trying to protect too much is bad for our kids. When I’m tempted to help too much, it reminds me how I’m not helping, I’m potentially hurting my child more.

We all want the best for our kids, and we all hate to see them hurt (physically or emotionally). But you're actually making it much worse for your son by doing what you're doing.

So, ask yourself why you do this. Do you think that any problem or failure he might have is a reflection on your and your parenting? Does a kid skin a knee or get a C- on a report card or have a fight with his friend because his mother failed? Is this possibly about your own insecurity or your need to prove to yourself and/or others that you are on top of every possible bump in his life's road? Is it a measure of your capability if he doesn't confide every detail of his life or share every problem with you? Were you neglected in some way and perhaps hold this against one of your parents?

Or is your concern truly and solely for him, that you're afraid he might experience the not-so-fun things that happen to all of us? I'm going to guess that it's not all about him - that it's either all about you or that it's combination. So, for the part that's about shielding him from pain/hurt/depression/bad days, what's your plan for his future? Do you plan to go on dates with him and move into an apartment with him when he goes to college? Do you plan to go to his job interviews with him, call his boss about a raise, be with him when he proposes marriage, go on his honeymoon? You'll probably say, "Of course not." To which I would reply, "Then at what point do you think you will stop this behavior and let him live his life?" There's no logical stopping point in your mind. How in the world will he ever learn to be an adult if you don't let him be a mildly independent kid?

The problems here are two-fold: your son is quiet, and you're letting him know every day of his life that it's not normal and it's not okay. It's not how you are (social) and therefore he's an incomplete person. I agree that you can't "read him" - because you only read one kind of story, which is the story of your personality and teen years. You are unwilling to read someone differently, to see someone with a different personality as being whole and fine.

If anything is making him depressed, the number one thing is your behavior. You're telling him also that he cannot survive without you, that he cannot care for himself and make any decisions about how he's feeling without telling you every detail. You're driving him away from you, and I know that's not what you want.

Before you take him to a counselor, please take yourself. I think there's a great truth in your statement that "he is calm... and I am the opposite." Maybe his calmness isn't the problem - maybe your inability to be calm, your anxiousness, is more of a problem. The good news is, this can be treated successfully and you're starting well before he's further into his teens and ready to push you away and keep secrets because you can't handle even the small things.

Please love your son enough to let him be who he is. Please love yourself enough to get help. And as a bonus, your counselor can listen to your descriptions of your son and decide if he's showing obvious signs of depression - so you'll have another opinion (a neutral one) to help you through the teen years. But from what you're saying, there is no way that taking your child to a counselor is going to do anything but backfire right now. BTW most pediatricians screen for depression at the child's annual physical.You can mention it ahead of time to the doctor, but then you MUST leave the room and let your child spend time with the physician alone, partly because of his age and partly because you are way too anxious right now.

Sounds like you need to see a therapist to help deal with your anxiety around this. Get online and start calling around to those who will accept your insurance. Do it NOW, if not for yourself, then at least think of your child and your marriage. This isn't normal.

Kids are suppose to get more independent eventually.
You need to be there for him but not hover so much.
Being quiet and calm doesn't necessarily mean that anything is wrong.
He's just different from you and you need an outlet for your energy.
A hobby would be a great way to burn some of this energy off.
But since you brought it up seeing a parenting counselor sounds like a great idea.

He sounds like my son was. I even had people make comments about it. But funny he was invited to everything on earth because he was 'no trouble' at all. He looked sad sometimes, but seriously he grew up, joined the Navy and still doesn't talk much but talks through his writing. He writes and writes and sings and plays guitar. He is speaking in a different way. See if your son is communicating some other way. Perhaps through drawing? writing, singing etc. I know someone told me someone else said my son doesn't talk much and she said well it certainly isn't like the mom (me). I never thought I was very chatty. But we all have styles. Don't worry about helicoptering. That will be stopped by life. Had a hard time helicoptering my son when he was overseas. Then I just kept watch over where his ship was.

your over-managed child doesn't need a counselor.

you do.

good for you for being aware of it. but that's not enough.

it is not good for kids to be fussed over and nagged to share and for their own mother to think that there's something wrong just because they're not a carbon copy of that mother.

you've only got a few years left with this one. get help in learning how to place appropriate boundaries around YOURSELF while you've still got time.

good luck.

khairete
S.

Have you ever talked with anyone about being screened for anxiety disorder? Anxiety comes in many forms, and your post screams anxiety to me vs a mindful helicopter mom choice. Last year I had panic attacks for the first time ever and I wasn't even particularly worried about anything! Being able to identify what is happening and learn how to deal with it helped immensely.

Kids tend to open up more when they are not being constantly hounded to do so. How you interact with your child is making the problem worse for you, because he is reserved and you're reading into it, which starts the loop all over again. The idea that you should be able to read someone, even your own kid, at all times is not realistic. Anxiety doesn't always deal in reality, however.

Be careful, you are going to drive your son insane and drive him away. Yes, definitely get some therapy for yourself. I think it would be helpful.

My children went to a senior military college and I spent 6 years talking helicopter parents off the edge. Please get some help. You want to be raising your child to be a good adult, but your constant nagging and helicoptering isn’t helping.
I’d bet money that many of the kids who attended the same military school mine did, did so to get away from their over protective mothers. They needed to be independent, make their own decisions, and be allowed to just be.
Give your kid some space!

You need to visit a psychologist and talk this through. I am hoping that with counseling, you can get over this. Perhaps you need medication, and a psychiatrist would help you with that.

I will tell you flat out that teens will not put up with your in-the-face demanding to talk. They end up being secretive, rude and angry. Is that what you want your son to end up being? You will DRIVE him to it.

I hope you will listen to reason.