Help with Potty Training - APO, AE

J., it's okay, she will get it, on her own terms. I think that's how it goes. I agree with Carla S, try a reward system and let her go at her own pace.

I had potty chairs all around the house. Disgusting I know. But if the girls needed to go, they had a visual reminder, and they didn't have to run to the bathroom. I even let them just go in the back yard if they needed to. It gave them control, and even though I had a potty chair in the family room, bedroom, dining room, and car, I didn't have all the laundry or other wet messes.

Hey J.,
I'm a military mental health provider, but more importantly a mom with a 3 y/o little guy. My recommendation is you regress with her, give her a break, take the pressure off and start again when you see HER initiate. She's been through a lot with a new little brother and now she's getting attention from her parents by not potty training. My son did the same thing this year. Was completely potty trained and then when I started going on TDY's and we started to prepare for a PCS, it was back to square 1. Once we got settled in our new location, he picked it back up like nothing and has been doing well ever since. Get a sticker chart ready and waiting for when SHE decides to get back on the potty, but for now take her lead. This will go much faster than if you continue to clean up after her or even discipline her, which I highly recommend against. Good luck!

It's been awhile since I potty trained, but here are my thoughts. Try not to get too frustrated. I know you are probably hearing lots of stories from people who successfully potty trained from 2 years and up, but I have two kids, and they were quite different. Both were completely trained by 3, and I think that's a more reasonable goal. My daughter started around 2 1/2, but we had some of the same issues as you. She trained to be dry through the night quite quickly, and she always did her bowel movements in the potty, but there were several weeks of daytime accidents, including some in public. And we were in Japan at the time, so it was a bit embarrassing (one in particular in a store--lots of bowing and "gomen nasai" on my part). It's not going backwards, it's all part of the process, and I think punishing by timeouts or whatever really doesn't speed things up. If you have to, go back to diapers or pull ups in public, and keep trying with the thickest training pants you can find for home. Praise, praise, praise and reward when she succeeds, and try not to make a really big deal about it when she doesn't, and eventually it WILL happen. And remember, you're not the only one who has had their child do something embarrassing in public, we ALL go through it. Good luck!

Hello J., I & my family live in Mannheim Germany. We have a B-13 & a G-10. I've got to say that after reading your frustration, I can totally relate to you as I & my husband went through the very same thing w/ our daughter.
Then a friend gave us some advice (the very same advice that Erin P has for you) & it totally worked!! Like Erin P., I was very skeptical saying things like ya right, my daughter is so head strong (even at this young age) this will never work, & my patience is worn to thin I just can't do this! BUT, I did, for our daughter's sake. It worked & worked well.
In my case (you may want to take this into consideration also) it had a little to do w/ who was going to be the more dominating female in the house. Yes, even w/ our girl being so young, she is still female & therefore another chick in the henhouse so to speak.
I would really take Erin P.'s advice & give it a shot. I did the same thing as I said above & am very glad I did.
Hope you find your way.
N.

My son regressed recently. He's been potty trained for over two years and suddenly started peeing in his pants. His problem was stress. We'd only been in Germany for a few months and then his daddy left for over a month. I asked his doctor, and he told me to try some positive reinforcement. Every day he would not pee in his pants, I would put a check mark on the calendar right before bed. The next morning, he would get a sticker for his good work from the previous day. (which also reminded him that if he wanted a check mark and a sticker he had to go use the potty) After a consecutive week of stickers, we went to the store and picked out a small toy. Like I said, his was stress induced, but still deliberate. The problem stopped when his daddy got back, but this method seemed to greatly improve the situation. It's basically focusing on when she DOES go to the bathroom instead of when she doesn't. I know the more I fussed about him peeing his pants, the more he did it. Good luck, and remember; this won't last forever, even though it might seem like it.

J., I feel your pain! Several months ago, I too wrote into momma source for potty training advice. I have a toddler and an infant as well and it is a challenge to potty train one while attending to the other. Here is the trick that worked with my son: I let him go without any underwear on. He didnt have one accident when I did this. When I put pullups or underwear on, he tended to wet. I would definitely DITCH the pullups for daytime wear. I believe that it sends a confusing message. I would try to let her go bare bottomed for a few days around the house. They usually dont like pee running down their legs, so they choose to go. I also started a sticker reward system. Everytime he went to the potty he got a sticker. After a row of stickers he got a treat. He was very motivated to the potty after that! After he had several successful potty runs, I put on the underwear and kept doing the sticker reward. It worked like a charm! Good luck and try not to let it drive you batty!

She may be looking for attention. Children will do anything to get attention, even if they can only get it for doing something wrong. My children are exactly the same age difference as your two and my oldest did the same thing just in a different way. Try to look at life through her eyes. Someone once said "Imagine if your husband said that he thought you were so great he went out and got another one!" As far as potty training goes, most children are not ready until they're about three. I hate messes and I feel more like the child has me potty trained if I start too early. I would go back to pullups. Maybe get her a special potty chair and whenever she goes in it give her a sticker or a hershey kiss. She just needs your attention and I don't think your two year old is lazy...just crying out for your love. I know it's hard with two so young but it'll get better. Your two year old is still a baby herself. Good luck and I hope this helps you have some patience and understanding for your little girl.

Hi J.. Congratulations on two girls! I have two girls as well--the first was super easy to train the second had nothing to do with it. So I have had both types of experiences. I don't know what other people have to say, but I will tell you this--my number two refused to participate and it was very frustrating--it took until she was past three! She attended a small nursery school 2X/week and the teacher explained to me that I had to leave her alone about it. That it had to be her idea, and not mine, and that the whole thing is a control issue. The more she thinks you want her to do it, the less inclined she will be to cooperate. I was very suspicious of this theory, but on a chance I said I would follow the teacher's recommendation. For a little over a week we did not discuss toileting in any way. In the morning I put out her clothes, wiht a pull up and underpants. I said simply, if you need help getting dressed let me know. Of course a toddler does need help, so she would bring me the things. Sometimes she chose the pull up and sometimes the pants. We did not discuss her choice, I would just matter-of-faclty help her out. If she asked to use the potty, I would help her, and we would wash hands. I would not say good job or act like it was a big deal in any way. If she had an accident, I also would not make a big deal, or act frustrated or angry. I would simply say we need to change. If the floor was messed up, I would say we need to clean this up! and I would have her help me. I got her involved in that part of the process but not as punishment, just as participation. Very quickly, she realized that I was not going to bother her about the potty anymore. Within two weeks, she was voluntarily putting on underpants, and said she didn't need a pull up anymore. I said good for you, and that was that. In other words, quit making it an issue and I guarantee it will stop being one. I swear this worked! Good luck and hang in there. And have fun!

Punishing children for "accidents" even if they seem to be more than accidents, almost never works and can even make the process longer. What you describe sounds normal, my daughter did it, my friend's daughter did it. My friend and her daughter especially struggled with it for a long time and when they tried punishing the little girl, she went and peed in her sister's closet over the next few days. I'm not a huge fan of Dr. Phil, but on one show one day he had the "Dr. Phil one day potty training method." and I tried it and it actually worked. You should be able to find it by doing a Yahoo or Google search, and if that doesn't work just send me a message and I'll describe it for you. And I know it is so very frustrating, but try to be patient, potty training is never a one-shot deal for most kids, it can take some kids a year to get it right consistently, and that's okay, she won't be wearing diapers when she's 4! I remember with my daughter I swore she wouldn't be one of those kids still running around in diapers when she turned 3. Well, she was, though not for long after her third birthday thankfually. Good luck.

I also have a 2 year old who went through a stage similar to your daughter. She was doing so well and then all of a sudden she started to regress. I believe it was due to my getting comfortable with her going to the potty and slacking off in taking her as much. When she would have an accident I would take her and put her on the potty, and tell her this is where she is supposed to go pee-pee then I would take her to where she peed on the floor and tell her this is not where she goes and I would show her that I had to clean it up. I have heard to make them clean it up, but I think that is a bit harsh. I had to refrain from getting really upset at her, since I don't believe in punishing, I believe in discipline and showing them what is right. It was only a phase and didn't last too long. Potty training requires tons of patience, but it is so nice not to have to change diapers anymore. I would just try to stay on top of taking her consistently and try rewards (we did stickers and my daughter loved it). I know I didn't give much advice, but just wanted to let you know there is someone else who has been through the same thing.

Bummer. But the reality is, she will train in her own time. Look at us, here we are all grown up and not peeing in our pants. Well, at least when we're not sneezing or jumping up and down. Man, pushing out those bowling ball babies really takes its toll! :) But I digress.

My first two were trained through the night by age 3. The third one still had accidents at age 5. But was accident free before kindergarten. When you do some reading the experts say developmentally 3 is really the age kids are really ready to potty train. However, you'll hear the amazing stories of moms that have their kids trained before 18 months. More power to them; I say.

I would not do the time out for wet pants, it sets a bad precedent for when there is truly an accident. She may be peeing in her pants on purpose just to see what happens and how it feels. Or, maybe the other diaper wearer in the house gets more attention than she does at potty/changing time and she wants some of that?

If you think you want to test this theory, try having her help you change the baby's diaper. Talk to her about how proud you are of her that you don't have to do this for her anymore. Then, the next time she does go on the potty give her some lovin'. You know the same kind you give the baby on the changing table: a blow on the tummy, some big smiles, some toe tickling, etc. Positive verbal and physical encouragement goes a very long way with kids that age. Then as she gets in the habit and she'll stop coming to you for acknowledgement and will quick get back to whatever fun she was having before she was distracted by the potty. But don't be surprised if she does regress to needing attention again, just go with it and give her a hug.

Some kids like charts and stars. You keep the stars in the beginning and give them to her when she comes and tells you the good news. Give her a different kind of sticker and give her control over the stash of these stickers for the poops since she obviously has control over this function and it's location. Tell her she can have the star stash too when she stops peeing in her pants. She may like doing her own pooping stickers so much she'll want those stars too. Then the chart is hers, whether its accurate or not isn't important as long as she owns it and her potty training too. In fact you can include her in the creation of the chart so she really does own it.

On that note, remember it is her potty time. She has to control it. Using the timer in the beginning is great, but now that she's demonstrated the ability to control herself, you controlling it with a timer would probably be a step in the wrong direction. Use a natural consequence of peeing in pants to give it the negative connotation you want. So, if she's watching TV when she wets, the time it takes to clean herself (yes, she can do this too with a baby wipe or flushable wipe.) and change her clothes takes time away from the TV. Prolong that time away from the TV or activity by explaining to her that TV time is over now and don't let her go back to what she was enjoying at the time of the accident. Then when you give her a gentle reminder the next time she's in the middle of something fun to take a quick break point out to her that she can come back to the fun activity, but if she chooses to wet her pants the fun is over. You'd have to be strong on this one, especially if you are out of the house. Be prepared to drop what you're doing (play ground, friends house, out to eat, anything) and end her fun. She'll remember that for a very long time.

Speaking of regression, don't be surprised if there is some when the second one starts training. Just go with it, but encourage her to set an example for her sibling and go back to that hugs and kisses for a job well done support system. It'll be good for her and a good example for trainer #2.

Remember the big picture, she won't be peeing in her pants as a grown-up and it's up to her to take control of her own body. You can't do it for her. This is probably the single largest factor in our frustration with this or any part of parenting. But fortunately for us, this is also training for us. We can't control our kids, they are not truly ours to control or own. They are His and our job is to love them and do our best with His guidance.

Take care and know that Diaper Liberation Day will come to your house too; I promise.
K.

Hi,

I have potty trained three children, two girls and one boy. My personal experience, the boy was very easy to train at 2 1/2 but both of my girls were almost four before they were completely trained. Going to the potty is something they can control. I don't think that punishment will help the situation. I think that will just make it worse for all of you. I decided to let my girls lead the way with the training. With my oldest, who trained eleven years ago I developed a sticker book just for going to the potty. I took her picture on the potty and put it on the front of the book and then anytime she told me she had to go potty and did not have any accidents then she got to put a new sticker in her potty book, we went out and I let her pick out the stickers to use for this book. This seemed to work for her. I did not force the issue and sometimes other parents will give you all kinds of advise about how to do this and when it needs to be done, but you have to find the idea that works for her to help her to remember to use the potty. My second daughter who trained 1 1/2 years ago, I also just let her lead and let it be her idea. I would ask her if she had to go and I just let her lead. Just try different ideas and try not to be pressured about her potty training.

G.

I was not going to give any advice as the advice given was awesome and sounded so right, until I got to Amanda W's note. I am so disturbed by what her friend did to her daughter. I just hope no one reads that and thinks it is a good idea.

I have personally not gone through potty-training yet but I am not far from it yet. I went through it with a good friend of mine whos little girl did the same thing. She made her stay in her dirty panties and wet clothes and sit in a special chair in the house to avoid getting the urine smell all over everything else. Her little girl did not like being in the wet clothes and learned that when she peed in them she had to stay in them. Her mom talked to her and told her about why she had to stay in the clothes and that if she did not want to wear wet smelly clothes that all she had to do was tell her when and then go and use the potty. It worked for her and i hope it ( or something else) will for you too.