Help with Toddler Hitting

Sounds like you have gotten a lot of responses. Really quickly I can only tell you from personal experience (my son is also 20 months and likes to hit) that it is VERY normal. At this age there is no impulse control yet learned. I just calmly tell my son "no hitting" and have him say sorry in sign language...he rubs his hand down my upper chest or arm. I make him do it to anyone he hits. It does work, I can see he thinks more about it. The key is don't OVER react but react. Good luck, if he is anything like my boy he will start pushing cute girls soon for the attention!

R.,

There's a book called "When Sophie Gets Angry . . . Really Really Angry" by Molly Bang. It's got some great pictures and wonderful colors. That may be a good book to share with your son. Otherwise, I would immediately stop the playing with him when he hits, and tell him in a firm tone "No Hitting!".

Hope this helps,
Melissa

I don't much advise to offer besides it's a faze. My daughter was never hit and she went through it. And it lasted from when she was one to about 2 and a half. It got better. And honestly she didn't really stop till her cousin that is 6 months younger who was worse then her would hit her and scratch her and she realized she didn't like it. Best of luck

Don't avoid playing with your son, but do little "exercises" about soft touches. Show him what's expected by lightly running your hand down his arms and his back and his legs. Then take his hands and move then lightly down your arms and hands. Talk softly and use key words like "gently" or "softly". It will take practice, but be sure to praise him when he does display soft touches. When he hits you, immediately stop the activity and demonstrate the soft touch to him again. Tell him "Hitting is not okay. That hurts mommy. This is how we touch."

PLEASE, please don't hit your son in return! That is TOTALLY inappropriate. As mothers we are supposed to be setting a good example of how to behave and "an eye for and eye" leaves everyone blind. There are many other ways to teach our children respect and in the end the respect we receive from them will be far greater.

Hey R.,

These things have worked with my son's hitting: Remove yourself from him when he hits youk. This way instead of being in time out, he is in time out from your presence. Also I don't think that a lot of toddler hitting comes from anger, I think it comes from not being able to communicate, being frustrated, or wanting attention.

It sounds like hitting is his way to engage his friends in play, my nephew did the same thing. He just wants to play with his friends and is learning how to engage them. Show him appropriate ways to engage in play with his playmates and talk with him ahead of time to prepare him before the playdate.

My little girl -- 21 months -- also went through this at around 18 - 19 months. I found what has worked best is to grab the offending hand immediately and firmly/sternly/calmly say, "NO HIT." Sometimes it would be several times right in a row -- esp if she was hitting me because she was angry at something I had done. If she would hit a chair (or something else that was non-living), I would say, "That's OK. You can hit the table (carpet, sofa, etc.). But you cannot hit people or animals."

And thank you God -- she rarely hits any more. When she does the very rare act-out, it's usually very lightly (testing the water) or she will hit something non-living and look at me inquiringly.

Good luck!!

A bit about me: I have been a degree in Early Childhood Education and have taught young children for over 20 years.

Children this age do not always have words to express themselves. So they use physical reactions to let others know what they want or need. You might teach him sign language so he can express himself. Don't be concerned about his behavior, it's totally normal for this age. They will hit or slap or pull hair etc. until 2 and sometimes even 3 or 4 depending on their maturity. Boys tend to be more physical and sometimes can take loneger to mature out of that stage. They can return to it too due to their hormones. It can make them aggressive. It sounds like you are doing education, that's great! Also, tell him have "safe hands", hitting hurts. Try to not be to emotional, it gives them increased attention and make make him think he wants to do it more because he gets mommy to react. Yes, other kids will get scared of a child that is physical. Maybe he needs a nursery school exprience where you are with him to help him understand what is ok and what is not. There are some good parent co-ops you could join or parent education at local community colleges. Also, just realize he will outgrow this behavior. Every 6 months they change. Happy parenting!!

D.

If he is hitting you, instantly stop playing with him. Show him that no one wants to play if they are going to get hurt. Tell him why you are stopping and if he would like to play nice you will continue. When he says he's sorry, you can try again, but if it happens a second time, just stop that game for the day. He will soon learn that if he wants to play with someone, he has to behave. If it happens in play dates, start the time out for one minute.

Hi R.,
Hitting at that age is a way to express theirs feelings. They can't talk, so they use other tools like hitting. The few things you can do is when he hits you or hits someone else, just hold his hands and say: "No hitting, hitting hurts!". If you are showing an anger when you get hit, he might use the hitting to get your attention every time he needs it. Enough that you can give him simple words to express his feelings like: "Oh, you hit me, you must be angry, when we are angry we stomp feet!" Stay calm and keep the words simple. Also, start telling him what to do instead of what not to do like: "I can see you are upset, instead of hitting me give me a hug, that will make you feel better.". Acknowledge his feelings, give him simple words, tell him what to do, stay calm and model a good behaviour for him. Tell him when you are angry and show him how you deal with your anger. And if the hitting happens on a play-date or play-ground just apologize and leave with him imideatly. He will get the message. Time out with hitting doesn't work. The urge to hit is really strong. Say something like: "You hit your friend again, that means you had enough play, we need to go." Take him to the car, stay calm and no more explanations. Be ready to do that anytime even if you just came on the play-ground. Good luck!

The lack of communication skills seem to come to little ones that can't say in words their frustrations so speak with hits and biting, etc. The more they connect that you understand their words and what they are trying to say, the need to hit seems to go away.Everyone else is saying in words "I love you" and "I need a hug" and the little one is talking but it doesn't come out right for communication. Just a thought.

I take care of a 21 month old who went through a similar phase, and at first she got little swats on the hand, but did go to time out. She's very social and both seemed to work great. It lasted all of a month or so.

My son does that. When he does I just pretend to cry and tell him that it hurts mommy and tell him that I need a hug. It helps sometimes and he is getting more lovey, but he is still just a boy. I think boys are just different and a bit rough.

So I guess all I can say is that you are not alone.

D.

My son just turned 2 and we've been having the same problem. It scares me because we have one on the way and I'm worried he'll try to hit her. We've been pretty consistent about using time outs with him, it seems to be the only discipline method that has worked so far. We also make it a point after his time out is over to explain how it made mommy so sad that he hit me and make him apologize. I don't know how effective it is, his hitting seems to be worse at some times more than others, but I think however you plan to try and stop it, you just have to be patient and consistent! Hang in there, I've been told it's a phase as well, I'll pray for you too!

In my opinion your child is crying out for rules, boundaries and limitations. I would most definitely think that this hitting would be considered 'outside' any rules you have and is far beyond the boundaries of the mother-child relationship. Have you disciplined him? I'm not talking spanking although at a young age a quick assertive (not angry) swat on the diaper will do wonders when a child is acting out in a way that is totally undesirable like this.

We teach others how to treat us and I do not believe that allowing your child to hit you is a good thing to teach him. I would think that now is the best time to deal with it. No matter how young they are they understand.

Here's an example. My son bit me on the shoulder as an experiment I'm sure when he was about 18 months old. I calmly bit him back with an equal amount of force. He never bit me again nor has he ever bitten anyone else. That son is now 26 years old with a baby of his own and when asked if he felt he was abused or over disciplined as a child he honestly says that he feels he was not and intends to discipline his children the way he was disciplined.

As I am so fond of telling a dear friend who's kids walk all over him...you are the parent they are the child.

Sincerely,
C.

If he hits you say "no" and take away what ever he hit you with. He will need another way to deal with his frustration, but by the time he has hit you he already has. Try to beat the anger and recognise what makes him mad. You will then be able to say, quickly "did that make you mad? then do ---" You can teach him to growl, punch a pillow, whatever.

It depends a little on the age of the toddler. If he is at least two, time out should work; but, if he is under two it might not. He may just view time out as a game.

We had this problem with our 1 year old and I read the book, "Happiest Toddler on the Block." The book recommended growling at the child like a dog might. Do it seriously and like you mean business. It may scare the child initially, but he will think next time. It may sound crazy, but it works. This shows the child it hurts you. This stopped the problem for us. Biting and hitting were our issues.

K.

My child was the same way. If we acknowledged it, it got worse. He knew he was getting a reaction to it so it made him want to do it more. So what we did was when he hit us, we would get up and walk away. Go to another room and don't look or speak to him at all. This will make him realize that he did wrong and you are not going to tolerate it at all. It ended up being better for us because it only took a couple times and he never did it again. But you have to make sure that you don't look or talk to him and as soon as he does it get up and leave. Plus, even though it does hurt try not to show that it does hurt at all. They just love the reaction you give them.

I agree with the other two who have given advice so far - stop playing if he starts hitting, or give a time out during playdates. Sometimes you might have to physically hold him there if he won't sit for the time out - just don't give eye contact and sit him facing away from you, crossing your arms over to restrain him from hitting you. After the time out is over, talk to him about why he got in trouble... and what you expect him to do next time he gets angry. I usually tell my kids to then say "Okay mom" as an acceptable answer when I've told them something important. Then make sure he says sorry to the person he hit and demonstrate how to say this to someone so that it's meaningful. Be sure to give him a hug afterward for doing what's right and give him another chance to play appropriately. If he cannot do this, I would take him home right away and let him know he lost the privilege of playing with his friend because of the hitting. This will probably be an inconvenience for you, but worth the result. If you are playing together and he hits you, I would hold his arms and say no in a firm voice... Then use your hands to guide his to touch your face or hand softly (saying "be gentle") so you are modeling appropriate contact. Hope that helps! There are some good books out there on how to handle behaviors like this - I recommend Positive Discipline for your Preschooler or anything from Love & Logic.