Ho Do I Get My Daughter to Stick up for Herself Instead of Crying?

Kids are cruel and mean. If she continues the crying game, they will start laughing at her and teasing her. I've seen it happen in the elementary school where I substitute teach.

There is nothing wrong with being sensitive but she needs to learn to stand up for herself.

How about testing out a martial arts class? We started that when my daughter was young because she had a friend going to class and it happened to be her thing. After 5 yrs of very hard work and determination, she achieved her black belt. You learn SO much more than earning a belt.. it teaches you how to handle issues, plus she can kick some a$$ if needed as she gets older.

Certainly try to do something, even with the teacher's guidance to help her through this.

I want to reiterate something Susan K. said in her very good post. She asked that you take care not to call your girl a baby just now.

You are right to teach her to stick up for herself; however, please, please take greater care in the future with the words you choose to use to her. When she hears mom say "Everyone is going to think you're a baby," she thinks YOU are saying she's a baby (no matter whether she tells you "I know you're not saying it, mom" -- that's what she will hear in her head). When you tell her "They won't want to play with you," she hears, "They already don't want to play with you." She is sensitive, and yes, she does need to learn better ways to handle things, but what she hears from you right now is vitally important because your words matter infinitely more than these little tiffs she says are important enough to cry about.

Instead of "They'll say you're a baby and won't want to play with you," how about: "Other kids won't know what they have done that hurts you. They need to know or they may do it again. Talking and telling them 'Don't do that' is the only way you can stop it happening another time." Role-play with her the situations that made her upset and have her work on speaking up. Let her develop a "script" in her head to use the next time something happens. She will not do it perfectly and may forget to do it at all, certainly the first time there's another upset! But the point is starting the learning.

Since the teacher thinks your child is crying too often as well, ask the school guidance counselor to see your daughter, maybe for a couple of visits. Counselors are excellent at working with kids this age and giviing them very specific ideas of things to say and do in school situations.

Two other short things: Eight is a very, very typical age for sudden tears. My daughter would burst into tears at eight. All her friends, except a very few, were also very sensitive for a while at eight. This is typical for their emotional development at this stage and it does pass, but if she hears messages that are negative from you now, she will remember that long after the tearful eighth year is over.

Second: Ask the teacher if there is more going on than crying. Does your daughter slip away and basically hide (even in plain sight) when she is overwhelmed? Does she shut down, or alternatively, get excessively angry at others or even at herself, if things go wrong? Does she have great difficulty with changes or anything unexpected in her day? If those things are going on, she may need some professional help -- that was the case with a friend's dear child, who had issues that were beyond just normal eight-year-old sensitivity and who needed help that went beyond school counseling.

I was this child, and I have a child who went through a phase like this with friends around ages 8-10, so I feel for your DD. What I didn't realize when I was a kid is that my sensitivity was like blood and the girls turning into mean girls were like sharks. Sadly, some girls really like to stir the pot and create drama by pushing buttons to watch the show as a sensitive person cries. They can be subtle and hide it well from adults. Someone in her circle may be more of a little bully than you are aware. You just need to keep reinforcing that if she keeps up the over-reacting, the not so nice kids will make entertainment out of subtly hurting her feelings AND/OR the nice kids may not feel like they have enough in common with her to remain her close friends. When my oldest was 10 she lost it at her birthday slumber party and broke down in huge crying fit, twice. Part of the problem is the whole group dymanic thing with girls. It starts to feel lonely when friends pay attention to each other and not to you. A lot of girls are not secure enough in themselves to be the odd person out for a short period of time in a group, it feels like rejection when really sometimes they are not being given someone's 100% attention while they see other girls pairing up and having fun with each other. What I learned with my child is to avoid the group of 3 get togethers. For years if I took kids out to the pool or zoo, or whatever, it was with only 1 friend at a time. More than 1 could turn ugly. Also since she leaned on the less mature/less eager to be like a teen side, it was natural that her playmates that matured earlier were not such a good match for her at ages 8-10, even if they were BFFs at age 3-5. I would make sure she has as much control over who she spends her social time with as possible. Empower her to make phone calls and invite a friend over or out to do something fun. Obviously at school you can't really avoid certain people, but in your own neighborhood and within the activities she chooses, make sure she isn't just "stuck" with people who she feels treat her poorly and cause her anxiety. I wish my Mom taught me to tell some of the kids in my neighborhood, "I'm not up for playing right now, I'll see you another day" I always felt like if someone showed up at my doorstep I had to hang out and play because I didn't know how to set my own boundaries. I was afraid someone would be "mad" at me, so I couldn't stand up for myself. Tell your DD it's OK to say "no" politely to a person or a situation that isn't working for her before it gets so bad she can't help crying.

Get a book called "The Highly Sensitive Child - helping our children thrive when the world overwhelms them" by Elaine Aaron. It was my bible for my oldest child. In the front is a quiz to determine if your child fits this description. If yes, there are chapters by age group to give you guidance. This is a trait from birth: my daughter was colicky, could not stand itchy tags in clothes, afraid in crowds, strong smells and loud noises made her cry, etc. etc. If this came on recently, then something else is going on.
http://www.amazon.com/Highly-Sensitive-Child-Children-Ove...
PS: what worked with my daughter was practicing sentences: when a child kicked her off the swings after she waited for it for a long time we practiced saying "I waited for my turn and now you will have to wait until I am done" or something like that. She needed to hear that it was OK to say something that was just assertive but she thought was rude, and to practice it a few times on mom and sis before being able to say it to a friend or stranger.

Hi, Sally:
Stop telling her what to do. Take some deep breaths when she tells you what is happening with her and just listen.
Just listen.
Ask questions to clarify the situation.
Under no circumstance tell her what to do or judge her behavior.
Encourage her! Encourage her!
Kids are mean and so are adults.
Show her compassion and nurture her.
You can't make a kid tough by being mean to them, it wounds them to their
souls.
D.

I'm glad the teacher is involved. By eight years old she should be handling these matters a little better but it does take time and practice. Perhaps getting her connected with a trained professional may help. Perhaps it is a little more complicated and her being hypersensitive is caused by some medical problem rather than an emotional based one. I would want to rule that out and still help her work on her character. Life is full of conflict and we all need to learn how to handle it well.

Keep working with her and I like the recommendation that the teacher tell her the same thing you did. Perhaps she cries because she doesn't have another way of expressing herself. She needs to communicate with words and not just tears.

She is blessed to have you for a mom. You really care.

I was that child when I was younger. If I got into a conflict with other kids or if someone did or said anything to me that seemed like they were picking on me (which didn't happen often...just over small things), the tears would just come. I couldn't control it. I hated it but I couldn't help it. Or if I did bad on a test, same thing. It was definitely worse if I was tired. I did get called "baby" by some kids because of it. Even today, I try to fight it but I am still sensitive. I was in line at the registry with my husband a couple years ago and there was a sign that said "one person at a time..." or something. Then when my husband got called up to the clerk and did his stuff, I asked if I could also do mine. The lady was so rude and pointed to the sign and said I had to go back to the end of the line. I got so upset, I broke down and cried. How silly is that? I know. I was like 35. I hate that about myself and I felt ridiculous. I said nothing and walked away out of sight. In the end, the lady finished w/my husband and called me back and apologized and held my hand. I think people are just different. I'm just telling you this to maybe shed some light on what your daughter is thinking. She probably can't help it, it's just the way she is. Some things that helped me were to get strong physically. I was active in school sports (though they probably don't have school sports yet at 8 years old).. and just doing things and staying active. Also make sure she is getting enough sleep. Also maybe help her role play and practice. Give her actual ways to handle the problem. What exactly should she say or do? Like show her how you would say "I don't like that we're arguing and it makes me sad. Let's try to fix this" and have her say it back to you. I would always feel stuck in the moment and like I didn't know how to react and the tears would just come. Please make sure you support her.. don't use the word "baby". try to understand where she is coming from. She needs your support and to be able to come to you and get hugs, believe me! But with some practice, it can get better! All the best..

I think you did the right thing.. I think the teacher, instead of just telling you about it, should pull her aside and reiterate what you said. Coming from her she won't automatically dismiss it and maybe hearing it twice will get it to sink in. Good luck, hopefully she's outgrows this before she drives away her friends! Good looking out!

You did the right thing, and you're certainly not mean, though I know there will be those who think so. You want what's best for her, and being a crybaby doesn't win people over in life. Empowering her to learn to deal with life and it's difficulties is a blessing to her, life will only get more difficult as she grows older!

When she tries to cry to you consistently stop her and say you're sorry but you want her to work it out on her own so she learns that you mean what you say. Do some role playing with her and ask her what she would like her friends to know when these "conflicts" arise. That she's mad, upset, her feeling are hurt, she's embarrassed, whatever she feels and wants them to know. Act out little scenarios with her. I know at 8 it may be difficult for her but explain that maybe they don't know how she feels and if they did maybe these "conflicts" won't happen. Also stress that telling you won't change anything, talking to them might. Tell her that she has to accept people the way they are, just as they need to accept her, or they don't need to be friends, and if these friends aren't people she likes to be around she needs to find different friends.

Call your local library and ask a children's librarian if there are any books about resolving conflicts they would recommend reading with her, take a trip together and check some out, read them together and use them as stepping stones in your discussions with her.

I am still a very sensitive soul and wish my mother had done this with me, I never shared, though, I bottled it in. But I didn't cry about it so no one ever knew or bothered me about it, your daughter may have problems with getting teased or shunned if she does the crying in front of friends, so do let her know that. It has taken me a long time to get to the point I am at, getting past the things that bother me in people and rising above them to go my own way, I truly hope your daughter does it much sooner!

Interesting first question from a new user!

Don't tell her that everyone is going to think she's a baby and won't want to play with her. She shouldn't learn to do things because she is worried about what other people think. Also, at 8, she should be allowed to cry if she wants to. There is nothing wrong with crying.

However, she should learn to stick up for herself, or resolve a conflict. The best way to do this with her is to ROLE PLAY. So next time she cries, don't tell her she looks like a baby, just say, "I know it's sad when..., but it might work better if you try it this way..." And then role play with her.

And I love Donna's response. And Leigh's.