Holiday Visits with Family

My married son, also, spends more time with his in-laws than with us. While my married daughter's family is closer to us. I know everyone has several choices and opportunities, for instance my son-in-law has divorced parents and multiple grandparents who may invite them over. Then there's work schedules to consider. My unmarried son is a retail general manager so he's barely getting to rest with no days off during this time of year.

In the beginning I was a bit unhappy that we didn't get "equal time" with my married son's family but now I make every effort to make things easy. I really don't want to put more stress on my adult children. I don't want them to have to choose or to run themselves ragged.

This year we had Thanksgiving the Saturday before (while my retail son still had time off) and I made a special meatloaf dinner so they wouldn't get tired of eating the traditional turkey dinner.

We had our Christmas celebration on Sunday night the 20th when my sisters could come from out of town also. I made minestrone soup with meatballs, Italian salad, etc., not the foods they would be eating in a few days.

My daughter has been inviting us for Christmas brunch when she also has the in-laws over, so we go there. Then there's a separate celebration we host for my husband's family.

Being flexible and making things easy is a gift that's appreciated.

Good question. Couple possibilities that you should be real honest about. How does your family get along @ Christmas gathering? Do people have fun? Is it a happy or a tense environment? Take a close look at the difference in what goes on at sister in law's house vs. yours.

My parents and my in-laws live 3 hours from each other. But we are way down here in TX. So when we go back in the summer, we now spend about 5 days at my parents and about 2 days with my in-laws. It didn't used to be that way---we used to split the time evenly, as they and we thought that was fair.
However, over the years, my in-laws have become less able to enjoy their grandchildren (my kids.) They started complaining of the noise, and all the activity. And when they were stressed, they would start bickering and griping about each other. Nothing more stressful than eating dinner after a long trip and having your in-laws start insulting each other!! It is unpleasant to be there. We visit so the boys can know their grandparents, not b/c it's enjoyable in any way.

Maybe the traditions, etc...at your parents home have become very routine and boring? Just a thought. If you are in the same town, maybe you host Christmas one year, add in some fun new traditions and set the timeline of the day's events. Invite everyone to your place.

Ask your brother, one on one, what is going on. Maybe he'll be real honest with you.

Lastly, if they continue to arrive late, don't make the rest of the family wait for all gifts. Let the kids open some gifts early so they can enjoy them!! When they do show up, do the gifts that involve them and the adults!

Good luck.

I have a huge family with both parent's re-married. So, my Dad's side decided that we would all celebrate Christmas on the Saturday before Christmas. This has worked out so well! We are all able to get together and we have fun and exchange gifts and feast and just all relax together. If your parents are willing to bump up the Christmas celebration that is always a good thing. Also, we have in the past, gotten together for Thanksgiving on the Saturday after. We have all really enjoyed this! There are 6 of us grown up kids with our own families.

We used to go to my parents house for Thanksgiving and his parents house for Christmas. And the next year we would go to his parents on Thanksgiving and mine for Christmas. It always worked out well for us. I think family is a very important part of the holiday season and should be spent together and enjoyed. Your sister in law sounds like a selfish person if she just likes to spend time with HER family. But on the other hand, your brother allows this behavior also. Maybe a nice talk can bring things to light or atleast would let them know how everyone feels about it.

We have a similar situation, and I'm sure that it's super common. I think you should very nicely tell your brother and sister and law that your family wants to spend more time with them during the hollidays and maybe you should plan your get togethers on non conflicting days.

My M. does not have a MIL and doesn't know what it's like to have to share holidays with two different families because all her inlaws are in another state and they don't come down here and we can't afford to go up there. They went last Christmas up there but that's only the second Christmas in 32 years.

She wants us for ALL DAY and complains that the MILs want us for ALL DAY and says that's not fair. When we are with her we NEVER have a good time. She's a very intense person and doesn't do well with all the grandkids around (7 under the age of 7.)

Well, my sister's inlaws have huge wonderful meals that are never ready when they are supposed to be so they wait around to get to eat and afterward are the presents and there are so many people that it takes a while for all the gifts to be opened. Oh, and our families and inlaws live on opposite sides of town so factor in drive time as well. When my sister's family comes for Christmas it's for only 2 1/2-3 hours. This drives my M. absolutely nuts! She wants the whole day to herself!

My inlaws are also on another side of town and there are 7 grandchildren there as well, and food is never served on time. Expecting to get together with my family and my inlaws and my sister do the same and actually have good timing back to our own family get together is just not very plausible.

Wishing you the merriest Christmas,
S.

My M. said that she was NOT going to plan anything this year for the holidays because things didn't go as she wanted them. I suggested we do inlaw stuff on different days then with our own family so there's no timing issues. My inlaws get together on Christmas day (at 1) and her inlaws are getting together on Christmas Eve (at night because my BIL works till 6:30/7 Christmas Eve.) We're getting together with M. and Dad the Sunday after Christmas (because my BIL is working on Saturday also.)Not that my M. is happy about it, but she's just going to have to get over it. She wants to see her daughters and our MILs want to see their sons (and grandkids, and DILs.)

I would suggest that your brother host the family Christmas next year. Talk to him about how ya'll feel. Include the sister-in-law so there are no feelings of exclusion. Christmas should be a fun, fun time. Why not invite all the in-laws to a big gathering...When people get to know you it is easier for them to be considerate to you. I do not think the children should have to wait all day to open gifts. Does your brother and his wife have children? IF not, then let the kids open gifts and the adults can wait on Bubba.

HI Ann,

My brother too has been like this for years! Or since I can remember..... Its tough on my family, but we started having to give a specific time of when things happens at our families house and that seemed to help... I cant tell you how it is know it seems worse since I have moved 1800 miles away. My brother is always at his inlaws! But they have come to inviting my parents along.... My parents 9More my M.) has come to really being depressed around the holidays since myself and my family has been gone and she will refuse to spend the holidays for her reasoning is its not the same since I guess I kept the family together!!!

When you say you all live in the same area then I feel you all should do a time frame!!!!! It has helped us! Merry Christmas to you and Happy New Year

Good Luck
S.

We do Christmas Eve with My husband. Christmas Day is with my side of the family. We even did this when we had to travle hours away from one to the other. For Thanksgiving we all gather at my aunts house..out of town. anyone and everyone is welcome to go. This includes my husbands side, any co-workers, friends, or people that dont have a place to go. Why dont you invite everyone for one big Christmas? We also do a one present "Chineese gift exchange". One gift for thirty bucks...the price changes for what everyone can afford that year. We only have about 6 kids and we get them something cheap.

It sounds like they or at least one of them enjoy being in control. The family should not have to wait for the opening of gifts. Go ahead and open when the kids want to. We just go ahead and open after everyone is there and have our fun together the ones that for one reason or another arrive late on purpose can open theirs when they get there.

Oh, boy, do I feel the pain on that one. It is such as struggle to be with both families. You always have an empty hole in your heart because there is never enough time with either family. Aside from that, eating two huge dinners is impossible.

The best solution is to have Christmas over two days. For Thanksgiving, we had it one day with one set of parents and the next with the other family. Luckily, this Christmas we have a lot of family not coming in until Christmas and the day after. We are going over to the in-laws tonight. Christmas with my side tomorrow. And then Christmas again with my in-laws. Not only are there two sides to squeeze in, but lots of siblings with varying schedules. I have spent my Holidays in tears before trying to make it work. That's miserable and not right. Now that I have small children, I don't want their Holidays to be spent globetrotting all over God's creation. Our families are about 30 miles apart. Please understand where your brother is coming from and how extremely difficult it is. The best resolution for us has been to give different days with each family. That doesn't even factor in getting in a nap for the kids. It's a shame that such a blessing of being loved and loving so many people has to be such a chore and hardship. No matter how hard you try, you can never adhere to anyone's time schedule and feathers are ruffled.

My gift this year has been to make a book of both families memories, traditions, and recipes. The tradition part of it hopefully will show each side of the family that we both have traditions that run deep. I also included how they change over time and that basically it's just a juggling act now. Both families must understand and be flexible on a reasonable time schedule. The only times I don't have that empty feeling in my heart after it's all over is when we have given different days to different families. It can be worked out and doesn't have to litter anyone's Christmas with loneliness and bad feelings. It just takes more than one day.

Family is family and you can't change it. This year it is too late to really say anything, but maybe next year sometime you could talk and see if there is a way to even it out - like one year they go to one set at Thanksgiving and the other on Christmas or alternate times when they go.

However, should that not be a change they are willing to make - Christmas while a wonderful day, really is just another day. You can make any day your Christmas. Growing up we have had 'Christmas' several different times - including Thanksgiving weekend. That way we could celebrate together and not make everyone feel they must get it all covered on Christmas day.

As a matter of fact, we have for years had Christmas the Saturday after Thanksgiving. My family all gets together and we open gifts and listen to Christmas music and get to eat the left overs from Thanksgiving so no real stress over dinner! My parents decided this was a fun way to get us all together and then allow us to all go our separate ways for Christmas since we all live away from the in-laws and it really is a bettter time to travel.

This has worked well for us most years. The kids love it because Christmas starts a month early! The grown-ups love it because we are all together and it really isn't a stressful situation.

Pray about it and then talk about it. I am sure you can get it all worked out. Be creative!

my family has the same issue... both of my parents were divorced and re-married, we used to have to divide our time between 4 different families during the holidays! we would alternate years, and one of my grandmas started celebrating the day before or the day after to make things easier for everyone involved~that way people could still make plans on the holidays without worrying about offending anyone.

Some people are more flexible than others. Work with what you have. Be happy you get even a little bit of time with them. Someone on the other side is obviously not flexible. It's probably just a personality thing. Don't make an issue of it. Don't see it as getting the short end. It really doesn't matter the day or time. Teach your children to be flexible by telling them how excited you are to see them whatever the timing is. Don't find any excuse to cause a rift in the family. Your kids will learn that it is not about the gifts and when you open them, but it is about enjoying the time together with family. Plan some fun things to do until the others get there so that your kids enjoy being with the grandparents and whoever else is there.

Your brother is trying to be a good husband and wants to please his wife. Honor him by being flexible and see if they have another solution for other holidays.

My extended family has always celebrated holidays on "off" days as it seems my brothers have in-laws that aren't as flexible. It has never become a problem over the years. This year, our family had to miss the extended family celebration (we moved so far away) so I am looking at your "little while" with a bit of envy.

Hope you have a wonderful Christmas!

This is an age-old problem involving Queen Bee mentality.
Your brother's mother-in-law is as selfish as they come.
She should indeed alternate every other year...early
Christmas celebration one year, evening or late afternoon
Christmas celebration the next. Your mother might wish to
write to this woman with this very fair proposal.

If your brother's mother-in-law does not do the fair thing,
then he and his wife should let her know in advance of
every family gathering what their plans are. And those plans
should be centered around your mother, for whom your brother
should take a stand.

It's unkind of a woman to expect all family gatherings to
center around her and her household. Patently unfair.
So, if she refuses to play fair, and I suspect that's the
case here, it already smells that way, then your brother
either stands up to this unfairness or gets to deal with
a great many hurt feelings on the part of his loved ones.
His choice.

Best of luck always,

M.

What does your brother think about it? If he has no issues with it then there is nothing you can do about it. Unfortunately that may just be how their marriage works. It sucks but it's their choice as parents, and depending on how you go about it if you did decide to say something you may make them not want to come at all. Also you have to think about how often both families see the kids and the parents during the rest of the year and Thanksgiving? Do you guys see them more often? Maybe try suggesting opening gifts with your parents and family on Christmas Eve so that you get a whole day too. I hope this helps. Good Luck! -C. (mother of 2 and one on the way)

I have played the Christmas shuffle since I was a teenager (because my parents got divorced). It is miserable. I recommend planning the day like you want it to be and let them know. If they choose not to join you, then oh-well. Eat lunch. Open presents. Enjoy the family that is able to make it. I know when I was really little, my grandmother was always upset that my uncle didn't come. It made me feel unwanted. I think it is better to just really enjoy who does come and not make every one wait for the one that doesn't. If they don't like how it turns out this year, then maybe they will change their plans for next year. Good luck and Merry Christmas.

Personally, I don't like "alternating". I want to spend time with both my mother and my mother-in-law every single Christmas. My MIL is about ah hour away from us, and my mother is about 5 minutes away. We've established some traditions that make it work.

First of all, my husband always works on Christmas Eve, so travelling even an hour (two hours round trip) with small children is out of the question. Also, my family is Italian, and Christmas Eve is a very big deal to us. We spend Christmas Eve with my family. We wake up Christmas morning, open presents with our little family (my husband, children and myself), and then about 9 go to my M.'s house again for a big Christmas brunch. After we spend time there, we leave about noon and head to my mother-in-law's house.

We still gather with extended family (my father's siblings and their kids, my mother's siblings and their kids) because we are still very close to my aunts and uncles and cousins. However, this happens the day before (23rd) or the day after (26th) because the rest of us need time with our own families and our in laws. My sister's husband's family does a large gathering with all of his aunts and uncles on BOTH sides on Christmas day and my sister and BIL are always having to choose where the eat the noon meal. So breakfast is a perfect solution! I always get to see my mommy and daddy, and we always see my MIL, too.

Personally, I do not want to miss out on either one. One year, when my sister in law (husband's sister) was out of town visiting her in laws on Christmas, my mother in law spent the night with us, and attended all my family's gatherings. She was there when Santa came to my house first thing, she went to the breakfast at my M.'s house with us, and we spent the whole day all together. It was lovely!

My husband, daughter and I live in Texas while the rest of our families live 900 miles away. Each Thanksgiving and Christmas we're there has worked pretty well for us so I'll tell you what we do. On Christmas Eve, we go to my M.'s, have dinner, and then open presents. It's a late night but lots of fun. On Christmas morning, we're with my in-laws and we open gifts there. My mother-in-law cooks and we have a late lunch. By then, we're exhausted but we head 45 minutes to have Christmas with my dad's family. We eat some more and we are really tired by the end of it and don't stay more than a couple hours.
On one hand, maybe give your brother and sister-in-law a break. They are probably worn out and their kids are too. On the other hand, the reason our schedule works is because our families are willing to compromise just a bit. Perhaps your M. can talk to your brother about next year. Your idea about alternating is a good one. Have a Merry Christmas!

I have been married for 20 yrs now and we have always split it up. We spend Christmas eve at my mother in laws,, since they open gifts that night. Then we spend Christmas day with my parents, due to the same reason. You might ask your brother if they could not do something different, or maybe just start a new tradition. Or have you talked to him about how it has hurt everyone's feelings that they don't get to see them during the day time. If all else fails talk to his wife and ask her how she feels and see if you could work things out. Despite all I hope you have a Merry Christmas.

It can be tough when it comes to the wife and her family. We all live in Houston as well. What we do is my husband, son and I go to my M.'s house on Christmas Eve to eat together and open presents. Then my M. comes over to my house Christmas day and helps me cook the ham and a couple sides etc. My husband's family does the Turkey, dressing, desserts and brings that over. We keep things practical, my husband has a big family but we have the biggest house for everyone so we meet to eat at my house at like 4:30pm. Everyone has Christmas morning at their own homes and opens presents in the morning time and then we do family gift exchange at night. We always find a way for everyone to be together on Christmas so we don't have to split our time. Maybe finding a way for everyone to come together would be helpful. Well, I hope it all works out and that you guys have a great Christmas!!

This is how we do it. We set this schedule years ago before we even had kids and it has always worked. Each family knows which day is theirs and there is never a reason to get upset. We spend Christmas eve with my husbands family and my siblings also spend that day with their in-laws. We spend Christmas morning with our kids doing our own Santa and gifts and then get together with my family around noon and for the rest of the day. That way each side gets time and we don't have to be rushed Christmas morning with our own kids and the day is not split ruunning around to multiple houses. Also on Thanksgiving we alternate families each year also so we are not running around eating here and there and each family knows in advance if it is their year or not.
It sounds like his wife would rather spend more time with her own family. That is understandable but not fair to your family or the kids. But if your brother goes along with it there isn't much you can do. Have your mother pull him aside and expain to him simply and nicely how she feels and see if there is something that can be done for next year. If he wants to discuss it with his wife and make a change then they will, if not there isn't much you can do. It is not worth a family fight and maybe not get to see them at all. Good luck. Every family goes through this. Have a Merry Christmas!

You may have already got this advice...and I sure hope things went better this year!

My advice would be to have your celebrations the night before...split the holiday between two days so each family has a day of their own.

Alternating is a good idea, but sometimes creates problems when members fight over whose turn it is.

I would sit down with your brother and his wife and explain your feelings making sure that you make your SIL know that you are happy she is part of your family and how glad you are to be a part of hers. You might even foster greater relationships between the two families by periodically getting them together during the year.

Alternate who has Thanksgiving one year with who has Christmas Day. No matter what you do someone is going to feel a slight bit left behind, but if they love you (you might point this out) they will be fair.

Well my husband and I have the same thing going on. We open presents at both houses first thing in the morning.Just so the kids don't have to wait its just not fair for the kids. Then each year we take turns on who's house we are going to eat at first. You know if they can't make it fair open presents without them, that will make a statement.

Hi Ann. Wow, did not read the responses and I am sure you got great advice. I have lived 1100 miles from family for the past 17 years and really miss the running from house to house on the holidays.
Sit down and talk to them. I personally would not hold up any of the days doings waiting for somebody to come. Nor would anybody in my family be offended that dinner, dessert, present opening, etc. happened before they got there. If they make a choice to go there then logically they are going to miss something here. They can catch up on the fesivities when they get there. You can't please everybody or cater to all wants & "needs". Missing some of your family fun & traditions may make them think about alternating holidays or adjusting their schedule. Keep the joy of the day!

Our family flip-flops: Christmas Eve with one family and Christmas Day with the other family. The following year it's reversed. So, for example, if we spend Christmas Eve with my family this year, then we spend Christmas Day with my family next year.

We also flip-flop Thanksgiving and Easter the two families. So, for example, if we spend Thanksgiving with my family, then we spend Easter with his family. The following year it is reversed. The other family can choose to see us on an alternate day. So we might still see each family for Thanksgiving. We see one family on Thanksgiving Day all day long. The other family might choose to celebrate the Saturday before or after Thanksgiving.

I hope I was clear enough...

Our situation is a little more complicated, we have 2 MIL's & one Step-MIL/FIL to visit so what we started doing is, visit one on Christmas Eve Day/Christmas Eve & MIL on Christmas Day. Now, since one MIL has moved out of state, she realizes we can't visit very often so we visit her every couple of yrs or so, sometimes longer unfortunately but she understands. So when that happens we just let the others know that is where we're going this year & plan around it so we can still visit all the in-laws around Christmas, whether it be spend it on Thanksgiving or whenever. I think in-laws should be understanding & accomodating w/their time spent w/the families, knowing that there are other relatives to visit. It used to be that we all lived w/in 30 min to a couple hrs from each other but that since has changed. We would visit in a sort of circle, start w/the closest & wk our way around til we come bk home but now we can't do that so what I would suggest for y'all is have a visit on Christmas Eve for one set of in-laws & Christmas Day for the other set. This, I think, is going to be the best thing to do if you expect to spend all day together. Switching off is a good idea too if you can keep up w/who spent what day w/whom every year. I think it's less confusing if you divide it up between the two days. Hope this helps & good luck!!

Once my husband and I got married we moved a long way from our parents.. we went back "Home" for the first Christmas and spent Christmas eve with one family and Christmas day with the other... But once our children arrived... we had our own little Christmas.... if any one wanted to visit it was great...but I remembered Christmases of rushing to open our presents at home.. then running from one Grandparent to the others... I wanted my children to have time to make their own Christmas memories.

Right now with my two daughters and son married (actually when the daughters married....) they decided one Christmas would be spent with the In Laws and the Other with Us... and it has worked wonderfully... Of course we have different states to content with... so I am sure it would be harder to do when you live near by... The year they get together with the in laws.. we celebrate our Christmas at New Years... Being an Avon representative and busy up to Christmas... I really enjoy the late years as much as the on time. We did do it at Thanksgiving one year... because my son was going to be gone at New Years..to visit a friend in NY who was going overseas... and they wanted the one chance to do NY at Times Square..... The Thanksgiving was really nice but a little wierd...because everytime I heard a Christmas advertisement or Christmas song.. I would think for a second 'What is this ?? Christmas is over..'

My sisters and brothers have solved the problem...with rotation Christmases since they all live near by... they rotate... every year it is hosted at a different sister or brothers house... so everyone gets to show off their decorations etc at least once every 4 years since my Mother has now passed away... and even before then they had started the rotation because my Mother enjoyed not having to be the Hostess after so many years of doing it when us kids were growing up... She spread us children over 20 years... so she was glad to be able to just "ENJOY" the times.

Good Luck!! and Merry Christmas!! and a Happy Healthy New Year!!

My Step-son and his wife and her family live in the same town. I never pressured them to come at a certain day/time!! We are a blended family and always had Christmas on different days since he had to go with his M. (he lived with us). And my husband works shift work.
Christmas is Christmas and you can make what you want of it. If they chose to be elsewhere, let them have peace.
Several years ago, I told my husband's family that we were no longer going on Christmas Eve because I wanted to stay home and make traditions with our children. They are still upset but Christmas is now so PEACEFUL for us.
We open our gifts when we want at no set time, eat and then go visit family.
Hope this does not offend you or come over as rude but just enjoy the time you have with them and be glad they come over at all. If you try to push it, it may get worse.

My family lives right in town with us, my mother-in-law lives about 45 minutes north and my father-in-law lives about an hour north east. Holidays are never fun for us because everyone (especially my mother-in-law) expects us to visit every year. We also have a 2 year old son that everyone has to see for the Holidays. For the last 4 years we have gone to my MIL for x-mas eve dinner, and then back to my moms for x-mas eve service at 9,then we spend x-mas morning and early afternoon with my my family, and then drive back north to my FIL for x-mas evening. It is a really frustrating arangement and makes the holidays not as enjoyable for us. Next year we are changing up the schedule because it is getting too h*** o* us.

Maybe a family talk is in order. My M. was really upset this year because it was her year (we alternate Christmas and Thanksgiving) to have all of her kids and grandkids at her house. My brother and sis in law decided that they wanted Christmas at their house this year. Long story short, we all decided to pick a weekend in December to have all the kids and grandkids at my M.'s house. I am not sure what will happen next year, but for right now my M. was happy with the solution.

Hope you are able to come up with something that works for your family. Good Luck, God Bless and Happy Holidays.

Ann,

Typically, we women prefer to spend our holidays with our own family, leaving the leftovers for the in-laws. This is very selfish behavior, but I'm guilty of it, too. Your sister-in-law is no exception. It sounds like you are spending your Holidays with your parents. I'd be interested to know how much time you are spending with your in-laws and how you’ve divided your time...

My side of the family is very spread out and my 2 sister-in-laws (brother’s wives) enjoy spending their holidays with their families. We often have our Thanksgiving and/or Christmas with my M. and Brother’s the week before so that we can all be together. Sure, it would be nice if we could be together ON the specific day, but in reality, there is just not enough time to go around. If they made a point to spend the holiday with everyone, they’d be running themselves and their children ragged! Let’s face it: our families have gotten too big to share with EVERYONE!

On Christmas Eve I have a family get together at my home and I invite everyone from both sides. We have finger foods, drinks, and fun with our nieces and nephews and toward the end of the evening, we let the children open the gifts from their cousins, etc. We don't get to see everyone every year, but we don't make a big deal of it either. We enjoy seeing those that are able to come.

My husband’s M. and his sister, and my M. live in the same area so we do see them every year. As far as Christmas goes, I set my rules when we started having children. I wanted my children to have their own traditions and I wanted them to have Christmas in their own home. They wake up to receive Santa’s gifts and open their gifts from us. My M. enjoys coming over Christmas morning after gifts are opened to watch the children play with their new things. We have a casual breakfast and lunch and we spend the afternoon just lounging and playing with their new gifts. Christmas evening, I make a special dinner and my M. joins us for the meal. My husbands family is always invited.

This year was a little different and difficult just the same. My mother-in-law REALLY wanted everyone to come to her house to see her decorations so she invited us to come in the middle of the afternoon on Christmas Day. My Mother-in-law is single and my sister-in-law has only one child. We have 4 children including a handicap 8 year old, a 3 year old, and a set of 2 year old twins. Now mind you, my MIL has had many, many, many Christmases her way with her children and her own traditions, but she is 65 years old and not in the best health so my husband and I reluctantly agreed and loaded everyone up and went to Grandma's to have a small meal and let the children open their gifts from her. My MIL’s home is about 700 sq ft and there were 5 children and 5 adults crowded into a 10x15 ft room. The 3 hours we were there, we were trying to prevent the children from playing with the 500+ pieces of Snow Village that were within reach. The children had a good time at Grandma’s but, by the time we left, my husband and I were worn out! I’m sure my MIL and SIL were glad it was over!

After a crazy afternoon, I had to get back home to get our Christmas dinner prepared. We didn’t have our meal until 8:00 that evening and my children were exhausted and grumpy! Sure, I could’ve let the meal at my MIL’s house be dinner, but this is my Christmas, too, and I want to have my own traditions for my family.

Wouldn’t it be more accommodating for all of us if our parents and siblings would conform to our families Holiday schedule and the traditions that we want to make? Maybe it would be easier for them to visit one family in the morning and the others in the evening or one family on Christmas Eve and another on Christmas Day.

See, it’s all in the way you look at it, or maybe how selfish one wants to be. I will continue to be selfish and will continue to have Christmas at my home on my schedule. If the family wants to see us for the holiday, they’ll have to see us at home!

The reason I wrote all this is to give you a little insight into what the Daughter-in-law goes through during holidays. Find a way that works for you and if everyone else wants to be a part of it, invite them! Just don’t hold it against them if they want to do it their way.

My family has always had Christmas Eve for 1 side of the family and Christmas Day for the other. My family is also from the same town and there have been many holidays where the families criss-crossed and visited each other on the 2 days. This was a tradition that started when the oldest of the children from each side of the family were married.

My in-laws on the other hand had never really had any Christmas traditions other than get up on Christmas AM and load up in the car. When their children started to get married the in-laws wanted to do Christmas Eve at their house - which interrupted family activies for both myself and my SIL - and the in-laws did nothing on Christmas Day. We have finally said enough and we now do whatever we do and show up wherever we show up.

Regardless, I think you or another female member of the family - not your M. - should talk to the SIL and ask about their family Christmas traditions and explain what your family does and see if there is a middle ground you can come to. Perhaps every other year for a switch off, or go to one place at the same time each year then show up at the other by a set time. Explain to her about the kids - she may not have thought about them.

Good luck - merging families is not always the easiest thing to do.

I know it can be irritating, I would suggest to your mother to talk to your brother and tell him how this makes all of you feel. My mother in law is very vocal about spending time with us, and so we make a point of trying to divide time equally. On Christmas eve we go to her house and have lunch and spend most of the day and evening there. On Christmas day we usually stay home. On the day after Christmas we have a brunch with my family, and spend the bulk of the day with them. Then some time in between Christmas and New Years we have a holiday party at our house and members of both families are invited. I know its a lot but because we do nothing on Christmas day my kids have a lot of down time to just relax and play, and all of our family feels included.

Remember the old phrase: A son is a son til he takes a wife, a daughter's a daughter all of her life? We have the same issue in our family, my brother has spent the lion's share of the time with his (now ex-) wife's family and we seldom see him or my niece until a week or so later. This year is quite different, my brother died last month and now his ex wants to take MY ONLY CHILD to the movies tonight instead of coming over to celebrate with us. I don't have the heart to refuse the request but recognize that we too will have to figure out a better solution. I like her family and they've always been very gracious when we see them, so maybe we'll be able to build a bridge instead of letting things break down. My advice (took my time getting here, didn't I?) to you is to try to find a way to smooth it over with your various family units because as we've just learned, tomorrow, next week and next year are not guaranteed.

For years we would drag our kids and baby items to one place for Christmas and then Easter at the others. Believe me after 10 years of doing this, it was NO fun so we just stopped. We told both sets of families that we live an hour away from each of you and the road goes both ways.. Guess what? No one came to our place for the holidays. So, we visited each family once before Christmas for them to see their grandkids.

Now we have adult married children that live close by but their careers did not always allow them holidays off, so we just get together whenever we could. Whoever showed up for the holidays, we just partied on. Now there are grandkids that we see whenever we can. Everyone was here for Christmas Eve and most of them for Christmas Day. Holidays should be stress free and are to be enjoyed with family whenever you can get together because the calendar day is immaterial.