My husband and I have organized a reunion for him and his medical school friends. Some are flying in from out of state. The reason for the reunion is two fold, one of them had a recent diagnosis of advanced lukemia and he just completed radiation and bone marrow transplant (his chances of recovery are still unknown). The other guest of honor is moving out of the country. Due to the recent diagnosis of Lukema, this group of friends just wanted to get together not knowing if they will ever see each other again. Life if fragile. However, due to the completion of treatment, this reunion was going to be a party; music, drinks, eating, laughing and fun. We only learned yesterday that our friends who are moving out of the country just lost their 23 week in utero little baby girl. Her placenta ruptured, she delivered, and due to the prematurity of the baby, there was no effort made to save her life. She lived an hour and a half in their arms before passing. This happened this weekend. Yesterday they called my husband, told us about the loss and that non the less, they were still coming to the reunion, which is 7 days away. So my question is this. Can I really go on hosting this party as planned? It seems so serious and somber now. Tacos, and beer, and loud music seem wrong. Add to the difficulty, I have a baby girl. Should we do something different? A party just seems so inappropriate and yet, I strongly feel that the reunion is a very good thing. I'm not suggesting cancelling. Just, how can I host this thing in a way that doesn't make it feel so inappropriate? Do I need to tweak it? or party as planned?
Thank you guys. You have been very helpful on this question. Special thanks to Denise P and NY Metro mom and Cate S. Since everyone at the party knows everyone and rather well at that, I think Cate S's suggestion is most appropriate, to acknowledge the sadness. In fact, i think it is appropriate (with the couple's permission), to start the party off with a prayer and laying of hands. They were actually married by my FIL (a retired minister) who is attending the party. All of these people went to a Christian university together. So I think it is appropriate to acknowledge it, and to pray over both the couple who lost the baby and the person with Leukemia. Then we'll party (though I think we should tone down the music). Great suggestion to give them a room to retreat to. And NY metro mom, its CA, and we love our tacos down here! Its not my usual style either, but I have a baby so I'm not cooking! Thank you Baja Fresh for party platters!
I am SOOOO sorry for their loss!! I never got to hold my baby - she died in-utero at 20 weeks - so I feel their pain.
YES! Continue with the party - they have already stated they are coming - so continue as planned - they can celebrate that they at least had her and held her - it's NEVER easy - I'm not belittling it - every one deals with grief in their own way.
Have the party still. Each of these people still coming to the reunion in light of recent somber events shows the human desire to continue to live. Each of these circumstances should make everyone more aware of the awesomeness of each day and want to live that day to the fullest, not regress in the past or in things they can not change. Allow them this time to be somewhat carefree and enjoy the company of great friends and fun.
Wow. How incredibly sad that they are going through this.
They have already stated that they still plan on attending. Since all are friends, I assume everyone coming is pretty much aware of their recent loss. I would try to get them something, maybe a thoughtful group gift, to send them to arrive before the party?
Sounds like they don't expect you to change a thing, and perhaps "changing" it in some ways would make the loss more poignant? I'd proceed as planned. They, of course, had the option of not attending and so it seems like they could use some good friends around them now.
Agree with the others on proceeding - the only advice I can give is to give them special attention upon their arrival (or prior to, or both), and not in front of the others. And what I mean is to make very clear to them that anything they need is done. If they get upset in the middle of the party, here is a room you can go collect your thoughts in. A special kind of drink you want - done. Really make them feel comfortable and I think that combined with spending time with friends may help heal. I wish you the best!
I would reach out to the couple privately before the party and ask your question, as you did here. Let them know that you want to be sensitive to their sudden loss while honoring their daughter.
How wonderful of you to be so in touch with their feelings and emotions. Kudos to you!
I believe that if they responded that they were still coming, forge ahead with the plans as they were. Maybe they are looking to this party as a way to get their minds off of their loss (I cannot even imagine....) even for an evening. A friend of mine just suffered her second miscarriage but I cannot feel bad about bringing my daughter around. Maybe it will be exactly what they need. Kudos for considering the revamp, but it sounds to me like they are on board. Prayers with your friends.
Just be honest with them and let them know how terribel you feel. How heartbreaking.
Then ask them if they think they are still up for this reunion. If they are great, if not, ask them if they mind on those that cannot cancel plans continue to meet up.
I am sure they will ask you all to go on and meet.
I am sending all of you strength.
Even after funerals family & friends go back to someone's house and have a "reception" - where they gather to celebrate that person's life, good times had together, and look towards the future. Everyone who is attending should be made aware (in advance) of this couple's loss. They seem prepared to deal with it - and they must realize that it's going to be difficult. But they also realize fully, how fragile life is. Is loud music always in the background at your gatherings? SEeing as how these are all med-school graduates and I'd imagine have had a few years since - they may all be in different places in their life - so you may find that "loud music" wouldn't have been called for anyway. Continue on with the tacos and beer - especially if this is how you've always gotten together in the past. But maybe leave the music on but not loud - as the evening goes by if called for the music will change. Do you have any old videos of the the gang from med-school days that you can all watch, laugh about and enjoy? How about make a disc of old photos from those days and have it playing on the TV?
(Personally, I don't get the taco thing - but maybe it's becuase I'm from NY - and while we have tacos plenty of times it's never been what I considered party food.) ;o)
I'm reading a great book right now..."An Exact Replica of a Figment of my Imagination". It's non-fiction, written by a woman about her experience delivering a stillborn baby boy. She writes about her and her husband, but also about how people reacted, etc.
From reading this book and from my own experience with grief they will still be numb. When they said they are still attending it was probably on auto-pilot. On one hand the party will be a great diversion for them on the other hand it will be hard because no one will want to say the wrong thing, etc.
The one thing that has really struck home for me in the book is that the writer WANTED people to talk to her and she wanted their sympathy. She wanted acknowledgement that what happened is awful and sad and that baby was a PERSON to be remembered and loved. Tell the other guests not to tip toe around them, but to acknowledge the sadness, hug them a lot and do things to lift their spirits like telling old stories, etc. All of that can happen in the first 30 minutes and then move on as I'm sure they don't want to belabor it or have it be a pitty party either.
Then afterwards-follow up with them. I bet if you say you'll stay in touch and DO-even with silly emails, will mean the world to them.
Oh wow you need to have the party. It would seem at the time all of the people involved are going to need a happy distraction, it is a terrible rough time for them and just sitting having a beer and not thinking about it could help.
Do yourself/everybody a favor DO NOT bring it up the sickness the baby any of just say you are so gad to see them. So glad to have them around if they want to talk about fine but dont be the one to start the waterworks at a party. and most of all love that they made it,
the whole event is all about "gathering".....so continue with your plans in place & if the couple is feeling distressed, then don't take it to heart if they leave early.
We attended an adult Halloween party 2 weeks after our daughter died. I did not want to go & was slightly crazed thru the whole process....but I knew that I needed normality to return to our family. I knew that our son would be horribly hurt & upset if he wasn't allowed to attend the kid party which was held simultaneously. I knew that he needed to be with his friends & life needed to go on.
The party was very difficult for me & we left early. As soon as the B.S. started, I was out of there.....& my husband supported me. It was just too much to handle! We said our goodbyes & just eased out politely. No explanations....I think my face said it all! So if they leave early, please accept that it's for the best & it's what they need.....
Do the party. It may be just what they need to help move through the grieving process.
Because they told you that they're still attending, I don't think that you should make any changes in your plans for the reunion. I think if you made changes that they would feel awkward and that changes would be inappropriate as a result. The party is not inappropriate in the least, not as you described. It will be an affirmation of life, especially for the friend who just completed treatment for Leukemia. My only concern would be making sure there's a quiet place apart from the party for the woman and/or the Leukemia survivor to rest for a while if needed.
I do think that you could do something private to acknowledge the loss of your friends' baby girl. I wouldn't suggest a plant, but perhaps you could find out their favorite song or poem and have it framed for them with a sympathy card. It will be important to them that their loss is acknowledged.
Carry on with the party. Do not tell the other guests. Recognize there is nothing you can do or say to make the couple "feel better" or "have a better time". When they arrive, simply love them and, in private, acknowledge your appreciation for their presence.
Do not feel guilty for your baby girl...and don't feel guilty for not feeling guilty! It is not your fault, or anyone's fault for that matter. It is a tragedy, a horrible tragedy and I think it's great that the couple is still attending. After all, being surrounded by loving friends and family is the best medicine.
You know what-I think it will fall into place exactly how it should. They probably need their friends now more than ever. You will all instinctively know how to handle this.
If anything you might want to either call them or pull them aside when they get there to tell they how sorry you are and how glad you are that they came and to please let you know if they need anything or if it all the sudden becomes too much for them.
Jane,
That is terrible, I would too don't know what to do to make them feel better.
Since they already said they wanted to come still, I am sure they know that if they can't it is very understandable.
Part of me would want to tell the other guest what is going on just to avoid a conversation that could hurt them (of course not on purpose) but I am not sure if it is my roll to tell other people about something so personal and would worry that my other guest would try to hard and make the other couple feel awkward.
If you always have loud parties I would just lower it a little bit and I would also have some hot cocoa and cookies, they always have a comfort, relax feeling on me.
I would also make a note for them, hand write just to say how sorry I am for their lost and to offer my help if they need help or to talk about it.
I lost twins in utero around 24 weeks due to a placental abruption. I am still devastated five years later. When you are in that situation, however, you have to make a choice: die or live. I could have easily just died, but made the choice to live. My husband and I are both attorneys and attended a legal event a few weeks after the loss. People did not know what to say and were very shocked to see us there, but we got through it. I'm so glad your friend has decided to live too! I suggest giving her a great big hug, and acknowledge their loss, and then have the party as usual. It's okay if everyone cries a little too!
You know, maybe the tacos and beer and loud music is just the kind of emotional release that this couple is looking for.
I know this is in NO WAY similar, but after losing my grandmother, we went out drinking. The whole family. We didn't so much talk about memories and stuff because some people had some pretty painful memories, but there was something healing in being able to get a little loud and just let your hair down in general. It sounds weird, and I've never experienced that in any other situation of loss, but for us, at that time, the loud music and flowing guinness gave us the chance to just release emotionally.
Maybe a call to them to see how they would feel comfortable handling it would be good? Maybe just say that you want to be as respectful as possible to what they're going through and would they feel more comfortable with a quiet event or would the party be good.
