I am 32-years-old and an only child. Growing up, I always wished I had a sibling (I often prayed that God would send me a sister), and I always admired the relationships that my friends had with their siblings. A little over three years ago, I adopted my first child, a son. He's now four. In January of 2009, I received a totally unexpected call from my original adoption agency letting me know that my son's biological mother had given birth to another baby, and he needed a home. Just to know that he existed AND was biologically connected to my son...it was a YES for me. He was two-months-old when he came to live with us. He just turned a year old AND is perfect in every way and is loved so very much =)
My question is...because I never had siblings (and I'm a single parent, too, so there's no looking at my "husband's" sibling relationships) one thing that I want to make sure I'm doing a good job of is fostering a healthy sibling relationship between my boys. I know there's nothing I can do to MAKE it happen, but I want to do all I can to ENCOURAGE my boys to share a love that leads them to be close (BFFs!), and to love, support, and look out for each other throughout their lives. What are some things that I can do (or NOT do), as their mother, to steer them in that direction?
Thank you!
Congrats!! It will be fine. They will have their moments & times of "I hate you" esp as teens, but at the end of each day, they know.
Have you ever read the Poem, Children Live What They Learn? It pretty much says what you are asking.
You will do great!!
First, do not tolerate any fighting between them. Teach your kids that home is a safe place. There is enough teasing and fighting outside the home that when they come home they should love and respect each other, even if they don't like each other sometimes. Teach them not to compare themselves with others, then they will not become envious of each other. Continually show them how to see what they have and remind them of their own talents and abilities. Also, teach them that life is unfair and that all they can do is appreciate what they have. As they get older you will hear, "That's not fair!" all the time. I would just agree with them and then add, "and the sooner you figure that out, the better off you will be." It got to the point that they would not shout that at me anymore.
Allow them to have individual likes and dislikes. Don't force them to play together all the time. They are different ages and will want time to themselves or with their own aged friends.
That is so great that you want to build the bond between them. If you teach them to respect all life - that all have value, they will respect family as well. Blessings on your mothering. You are off to a great start!
Hi there, I would recommend that you buy or check out Siblings Without Rivalry by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. It is a fabulous book that teaches very practical life skills when dealing with your children and fostering loving relationships within the family. I'm an only child, my husband is an only child and we were clueless when it came dealing with our two sons' conflicts. Although your children are a bit young for this book, it will get you thinking in the direction that you need to go!
Best wishes!!
I'm not sure that there are any right answers to this question. I always longed to be close to a sibling, but, unlike you I did have other siblings....they just lived with our mother and I lived with my dad. I think it is a big help that they live in the same house. I also believe there are many factors that play into that relationship...like the childrens demeanor.
For my own kids.....siblings are going to have ups and downs. My daughter was super mean to my son for many years and when they got into highschool they became much more close....thank God!
Hi there,
I am so glad you are asking this question now. I am a parent educator and coach and for parents with more than one child, this is the most challenging issue they seem to face. I love that you are thinking about preventing rivalry rather than dealing with it after it is already a problem.
So here is my take on things. One thing to be aware of is the feeling of scarcity....there is not enough love, time, etc. for me. It is great to teach that there is always enough love, etc and to model it too....watch language about things like time, money, etc. Are you speaking a language of scarcity? Even though you have 2 kids now, do you have a sense of having enough love and time for them both....you feeling secure and not guilty about things will go a long way in providing a loved, secure feeling.
Here is an article based on the parenting course/book Redirecting Children's Behavior that deals with sibling rivalry. It talks about kids who are already fighting, but it it gives great tips for prevention:
http://incaf.com/articles/Help!_My_Children_Are_Fighting.pdf (BTW the RCB course is an invaluable resource for raising kids with great self-esteem and good negotiation and problem solving skills)
If you would like any other parenting resources, feel free to contact me directly.
Blessings to you and your family,
K.
Without reading your other posts, I would like to say that I somehow successfully have a boy (11) and a girl (13) that know that when the going gets tough, they've got each other. Having said that, there will ALWAYS be times when they get on their nerves. However, always from the time that they were little I would always tell them (when they were at odds) that they were supposed to always love each other and be nice....and, this is what I would say: "In the grand scheme of things, when it's raining outside and you have nothing to do and nobody else to play with you, you will still have each other. You better hope you have been nice to (him/her) so that (he/she) will want to play with you!"
Now, in the beginning, I am sure they were clueless, but I drilled it into them for years..... I don't have to say it anymore.... they know.
Good Luck.....
Congratulations on your two sweet boys. That is such a joy. I would say the most important thing is to love them both and to try to keep things as equal as possible. If one has resentment of the other one, it can interfere in their relationship. My brother had this feeling that I was more "wanted" than he, and it bothers him to this day. We were always close but that was the one thing that got in the way. Try not to compare them, or say, "Well your brother always does this" or "your brother never got those grades"
Your going to do a great job! Your boys are lucky.
K.
Hi there
First, I wanted to say How Wonderful to be able to have the circumstances of having the brothers together! I do believe that even not biologically related children have the same ability to be well loving and close to one another.
I think it is great that you are preparing and thinking ahead on this.
I am blessed to be very close to my siblings and also that my children are very close.
My oldest Elizabeth was 4 when Julia was born. I was worried that being an only child for four years it might be hard what I did to start off was allowing her to be hands on with her sister: helping to care for her, encouraging kisses, then hugs, letting her know the level of playing the baby could handle but that of course the baby would grow and they'd have great fun.
Even at 7 (and sometimes things are hectic, now with her 3 and 22 mos old sisters) but I still make time to pull her into my lap and let her know how much she is loved and valued. Some people pour all the attention on the new little person. Some ignore the baby to "not ignore" the older child...I've seen it. Some people didn't get it my explaining to Elizabeth what the baby's needs were-but it kept her from resenting any idea of lost attention. I saw that you are a teacher so I am sure you have gotten the balancing thing down. That is my way, balance. Sometimes they get exactly as the other and other times I explain why we do things differently. There is no cut and dry, but communication works for me. In the future helping them to respect one another will help continue their closeness.
I don't think you will have a problem because they will take their cues from you! Congratulations and Good Luck
M.
Well, I can give you advice from the perspective of someone who has a half-sister and a stepsister and none of us grew up together. You couldn't ask for a closer three than us!
I have three children of my own now. One from a previous marriage who also has severe autism. Not once has being a sibling been an issue. They are brothers and sister. My sisters and I are and will always be sisters.
I think most of it is natural, but I know that my mom and I know that I always refer to each one as your brother/sister/my sister. I treat each of my children as each of my own and as though there were no difference between them as far as their relationship with me or each other is concerned. Bask in their uniqueness and remind them of their sameness. That's my advice.
The way you relate to them will speak volumes as to how they relate to each other.
Hi!
First off, KUDOS to you for choosing to adopt! We need more adoptive parents like you. Here's my advice - this is just a bunch of random thoughts!
* Do not tolerate insults, put-downs, mean stuff, threats, etc etc etc. Do not tolerate fights and always stop them in a lovingly manner. My parents kinda had the "I'm not gonna get involved in it y'all need to work it out" attitude - PLEASE don't do that! Even when they 17, get involved. Praise and reward them when they are nice to each other.
* At Christmas and at birthdays, take each of them shopping alone to buy a gift for their brother.
* Encourage the older one to say nice things to his brother and praise him often, and reward him when he is nice.
* Encourage them to share, which might be tricky, but when they do praise, praise, praise them.
* Let them have their space. It's really best if they have their own room, esp when they are older.
* Be sure that you still have one-on-one time with each of the children. Hire a baby-sitter if necessary for the other child. Read this article please for advice on what I mean by this: http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/2120733/parentin...
* Do lots of fun bonding activities with them like go to kid's museums, have picnics at the park, etc.
* Join a church, if you aren't already part of one. This can help b/c they can see how other siblings are supportive (of course they will also see how they fight, but.... it's still good) Read this article for tips on how to find a good church: http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/1374119/how_to_f...
* I know there's more stuff but my mind is a little fried. You can also ask this at groups at sites such as cafemom.com (there's a group for "Moms of Boys"), etc.
* Because you are a single parent, I wanted to give you some advice: Please read, "How to Find SUpport As a Single Mom": http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/861171/how_to_fi...
Happy New Year!!!!!
Well, my response is opposite of another poster in that do not make things equal. My Mom would purchase items in twos to keep everything fair,but 3/4's of what I got I wasn't interested in, but rather my sister. Since I was younger Mom felt I could grow into the things,but uncomfortable buying two of something I was interested in if my sister was too old for it cuz that would be a waste of money. So I say purchase items for each boy according to their particular likes rather than costs or same item thing. Your boys will each feel loved by you and thus get he Mom love him more than me syndrome. I adopted my daughter and have a biological son. They are best of friends and play very well together. They often hold hands while walking on their own and they refuse to go to bed until they kiss each other goodnight. They are each others' bffs and while I may get them presents that are alike such as toothbrushes, they are different. My daughter goes to dance cuz she is interested and son does not. I did not rush out and put him into a class so it is equal. I just told him that when he is interestd in something and we can afford it then I'll let him join and he is cool with that. We go and watch sister and while she dances he gets to play games on my phone which she doesn't get to do and so he feels special. So my advice is to love each child individually as they have the same genes, but can be polar opposites as me & my sis are. Oh and if u try to make everything equal to prevent jealousy then thekids will find unequalness In everything. As in " his hug was longer than my hug" or " she has three ice cubes and I only have two" so unless you want to spend your life dealing with that, just do what I do when my little ones try that nonsense " good observations how many ice cubes does mommy have or how long was mommy hug etc and deflect. My kids r 3 & 4 and hey went through a development stage where they would do this but now it isn't even an issue. Just today son asked for a cookie and I told him he could have one and his sister too. He took one and she decided she wanted a chocolate instead. Everybody was happy. Good luck and best wishes and remember they don't both have to like the same things to get along either. Son likes batman daughter likes doctor stuff bu they both incoporate what they like into their games. He is always gettin hurt fighting bad guys and she is always doctoring him up. Let them be themselves. :)
Hello S.E.
My advice to you is to let the boys live their life. There is nothing you can do any different from the way you raised one child to raising two children. They will form their own bond, they will love one another in their own kind of way, they will argue and fight and nothing you can do to change that. They are siblings, you are their parent and no matter what the future holds, your job is to nourish, love and support them and they will love you for that in the end.
Love comes naturally,
Anita
Its not really up to you to guide that BFF bond. I do however encourage you to teach your kids to accept different types of people and to find the true value of a person. Dont judge people untill you know them. "I dont like so and so because they are a jock or goth or country" Try to teach them that each person is here for a reason and you dont have to like everyone but you should respect that they have a right to be here. Its much more classy to accept people than to turn up your nose at them. That being said there are also people to avoid and you will teach them that too. There bond might come after they are older...as it did with my brothers and myself.
You've gotten some great advice. I just wanted to recommend a great children's book, I LOVE YOU THE PURPLEST, by Barbara Joose. It explains beautifully and simply that children are all different and that parents love each of them in their own special way. It's a beautiful book. You can order it from Amazon.
Start by not inviting friends to events. If you go camping--just the parents and the boys. Birthday dinners-just you all.
Siblings will naturally drift to friends if you set that up.
Shower them both with so much love that they could never conceive the thought that the other child would impede on that love.
