How Do I Get Girl Time?

I totally know how you feel! My husband is the same way!! He just doesn't get that I need time away too. Sometimes he doesnt get home until 3 or 4 am, and even when he stays home he doesn't come to bed with me... he's up playing late and half the time falls asleep on the sofa. I make him get up with the baby in the morning (6 or 7am) and sleep in. That's my "me time" since I don't really get to go out and I'm up all the time in the night feeding him still!

Tell him just like this. I lost a wonderful woman because we didn't discuss what we felt deep inside.

I'm a SAHM of school aged kids, so once school starts, I'll get a break. However, for the last couple of weeks, they've been out of camp and home with me all day. It's absolutely exhausting. Your kids are still young so you don't even have the luxury of looking forward to when school starts. It's absolutely crucial for your well-being to take a break and have some girl time. It doesn't need to be with other girl friends, just getting out of the house by yourself to get coffee at the mall or get your nails done, something simple for a couple of hours each week or even every couple of weeks, where you're not in charge of the kids, is enough to recharge your batteries. If you're not getting any organized "off" time, at the very least, you should tell your husband "Honey, this Saturday, I'm going out from 11 to 3. You're going to have to watch the kids for me while I'm out". He'll welcome the opportunity to spend a few hours in your shoes - lol! Then do whatever you want during those hours - see a movie, go to the library, museum, there's so much to do, really enjoy yourself - like I did last weekend when my husband took the kids to the movies and I went make-up shopping! I love my kids and husband, but it's natural to want a break. I'm actually very lucky - every July, I go visit my sister and leave the hubby and kids behind for a week (he does have to call in reinforcements to help him - usually his mom comes). When I get back, they've missed me, I've missed them, it's a total lovefest! And I'm fully recharged and ready to be supermom again. Taking a break makes you a better mom - so go ahead and claim your break!

Having been a gamer, let me tell you how EASY it is to lose track of time when you are playing. He's not making it up that he gets lost in the games. My brother and his friends play ALL WEEKEND (granted, none of them are married or in relationships :) To solve the problem of losing track of time, suggest to him that next time he goes gaming to set an appointment/alarm on his cell phone to remind him to come home at a certain time. And leave it at that. You are not being his mom when you do stuff like that -- you are communicating with him. If he sets the alarm and then ignores it, you could let him know that is being disrespectful of you because you care about him -- so you worry/can't sleep when he still isn't home around the time he told you he would be. That is something I had to work on with my husband but it was me communicating to him when I would be home. Not from gaming but when I was out with my friends or family. I would lose track of time. Now I call just to let him know that things are going a bit longer than planned so he'll know what's going on.
For girl time -- just plan it, with friends or without. Don't wait for permission. And get out of the house WITH your kids as much as you can -- playgroups, playgrounds, hikes, free attractions. If your husband is willing to take care of the kids then let him have exclusive daddy time with them.
Have FUN!

Wow! What a touchy subject huh? Seems like most of us SAHMs are in similar situations! I too need my time out of the house with no kids. One way I try to do this is by getting up early and going to the gym before my hubby goes to work. It helps me feel better throughout my day, feel like I'm doing something for me, and it also gives my hubby time in the evenings when he gets home to chill out. Now and then I do try to get out on the weekends for a GNO. But like you I'm usually the one to plan everything and that can get tiring! I especially like going to book stores by myself. Get a cup of coffee grab an interesting book and read in quiet. I usually can't go to bookstores with my kids. They run around, take books off the shelves, etc..ya know, kid stuff! I'm also part of a mom's group that meets every Friday morning for some kind of activity. Go to www.meetup.com and search for SAHMs in your area. I found a couple of great groups on there that help me get me and the kids out of the house. They also have book clubs, and all sorts of groups for all sorts of interests. Anyway, as far as the hubby goes, we both agree that our guys need thier social time and most often, that means them staying out late. My hubby is into poker tournaments and basketball. Thankfully he understands his responsibilities like your guy and tries to be home for me to go out once in a while. So anyway, look into groups in your area that appeal to your interests and go from there. Grab a calendar so that it is no surprise when hubby gets home and you're ready to run out the door! Have fun girl!!

I have no advice as I am in a very similar situation, but wanted to let you know that you are not alone! I wish I could just call in sick like my husband does when he's stayed up to late, but that's not an option as SOMEONE has to get up with the kids. Good luck, hope you get your time out soon! You definitely deserve it!

i agree with Katie, i feel the same way from time to time. it sucks your friends are flaky, so are mine sometimes. i have come to terms with the fact that i may just have to suck it up and be the planner if it means i will get my GNO time. if you don't do it for yourself no one will! you are actually doing your whole family a favor my taking time for yourself it really is true, "when mama aint happy, aint nobody happy!" i hope you get a break soon, N.

Hi K.. I too am a SAHM (to a 7 yr old autistic son.) Trust me when I say GNO's are for sure in the "NEED" catergory. Here is what I do. Once a month (the 2nd Wed of the month) I go to BUNKO. We have 12 people in our group and it is known by all (including husbands) that this is the day we get together. Because their are 12 of us, You only have to be the planner once a year, when it is your turn to be the hostess. It's a much needed and well deserved break from the SAHM routine. We start at 7 and end (usually) by 10. You don't have to do BUNKO but even a GNO-game night/movie night/scrapbook night is better than no night at all. GOOD LUCK!!!!!

Make plans, then don't give your hubby the option. Tell him tonight is my turn, and you've got the kids. If it comes down to it, make sure you leave before it's time for his game night. Then he will be stuck. As for your friends not making the plans...some people just suck at that. If it's their turn, it might just have to be something easy, like renting a movie and having popcorn. What we do with my husbands two siters is this. We have ababysitting rotation. We each take a turn watching all the kids while the other 2 couples have a date night. Most of time my husband and I go on a date, but every once in a while, we both have other things that we need to do that night, so we split up. Maybe you could try somethinglike this with some of your friends.

What I'm seeing is that you don't want to act like his mom and have him get permission to go out, but you want him to act like a dad and give you permission to do so.

Just set your dates! You're a grown-up too. And he's not "babysitting" any more than you're "babysitting" when you're watching the kids all day. They're HIS kids too. Having the sole care of them now and then is perfectly natural as a parent and you have the right to assert yourself.

His break from work IS you and the kids. It's different, that should be a break.

Second, no you're not his mom, but you are his wife and if you call and ask him when he's coming home, that gives him a chance to realize "oh, maybe I should come", and these days something could have happened to him - mugged, heart attack, whatever. He could also set an alarm when he goes out so something will help him realize how much time has passed. You two are married so you need to be able to depend on him. That's not motherly. That's just being a wife.

Third, if your friends are flaky, go out on your own. Do something outside the house - go running, go work out, go shopping, whatever you enjoy. Invite your friends but don't stress if they don't show, and be willing to make more who share your interests.

Have hubby set an alarm on his phone so he knows when it's Xo'clock & time to come home. The guys might rag him at first, but maybe their wives are feeling the same as you & once he gets up to go, they'll follow suit & head home as well. Now you're a hero! If the guys game every weekend, pick a weekend out of the month & try not to schedule anything else that weekend so he can do his guy thing.
As for the GNO, YAY that you've gotten one at all! That doesn't happen in our house, partly because of money. And who says you've got to go out w/friends? What about a trip to the mall by yourself, a movie, just sitting in the park or something reading a book & drinking a coffee til you're ready to go home... it's nice to go out w/the girls, but if your schedules don't mesh or they flake, don't stay home-go out by yourself.

Dear K.,
I really do not know what to tell you about getting a GNO....this is something that has to be talked about with your hubby. He is either going to "work with you" or not "work with you". If he is not the problem, it may come down to you making the plans with your friends. Maybe if they know what you want from them, they will help plan things with you...you might not be the one ALWAYS making the plans. NOW, I will respond to your comment to your husband being tired when he comes home from work!!! I have a very HARD working guy also, BUT I also had B/G twins, and even when they took naps, it was NOT a break for me. I had to HURRY to get everything done that I could not get done when they were awake. At the age that your little ones are, they are VERY "busy", and need a lot of watching. I bet you work just as hard as he does, so you have no cause to feel bad that you need a time away from home. I was so lucky that my husband was good about suggesting that I plan a time away. One of my friends that I met in a Mother of Twins meeting, would sometimes go food shopping(not with twins) with me, and we would go for pie & drink before shopping. Not a big exciting time out, BUT I sure looked forward to that time. I also enjoyed going to my Mother of Twins meeting...it was a help for me to talk to other moms who were going through, or gone through what I was going through. If you have a group in your area, you might look into that.
As far as going out with your hubby....why don't you make planns to go somewhere, and suprise him. I found that my hubby would be fine with going, but he just wasn't real good about planning it.
I also do not agree that he should be able to go out as much, or for as long as he wants. He is a husband & a father, and he is not free to do what he wants, when he want for as long as he wants. He should , of course, be able to have time with friends, but he does have a commitment to a family. I think you have a right to know when he plans to be home, and he is to honor what you BOTH decide is a fair time. If he can not do that, he is acting like a little boy!
I don't know if any of this helps you, but I sure hope you get some good results from all the suggestion that you recieve!
My thoughts & best wishes are with you!

I find the best way is to find moms who have children around the same age. Plan a play date. You get to socialize while your kids are having fun too!

First off it is not being his mom when you say that he needs to be at home and plan with you the nights that he is going to be gone. He is a Husband and a Father now, his first priorities should be to you and your family. Second it sounds as though a communication gap has been set up because of it. With my husband we generally write everything down on a calendar. This way we can both be aware of what is going on and know what nights we can plan things. Dates are vital to a marriage and marriages become stale without them. Some time away for mom is very important to. He may work outside the house full time but you work in it Full time and need time away to. I personally would sit down with my husband and discuss my concerns. Make scheduled time together as a family, as a couple, and time alone. When he is gone it is okay to call and say hey I miss you and was wondering if you are planning on coming home soon. Make it light and say " So if you are not home by such and such time you are going to do the dishes right." I woud work out a phrae with him before hand so that he knows when you really just need him home. That way he is aware how you feel and is part of the solution. I liked the idea of having him set an alarm my husband will do that on his palm pilot or his phone whenever he needs to remember something. It just sounds like you need to communicate and not be afraid to claim time from him. You are his wife and chances are that the last thing he wants to do his hut you and would be mortified to know that he is not meeting your needs anywhere. Let him know how you feel and have him invovled in the solution. Tell him how to be your Hero.

We have it worked out that I get Tuesday nights to myself and my husband gets Wednesday nights to himself.

On my night, he feeds them dinner and puts them to bed, and on his night, I do it. Other nights we share the parenting duties.

Sometimes he goes out with friends, sometimes he grabs his laptop and goes to a coffee shop and sometimes he stays home and plays guitar.

Usually, I go climbing with my girlfriends then out for dinner/drinks/dessert with them. If no one is available to go out with me, I usually still go to the climbing gym, or sometimes I'll go get a pedicure and then go out for a coffee/drink and read a book.

If there's a special event girls night out (like a spa party night or a night out dancing) on a different day, I'll often "trade" my Tuesday for another night - and give my husband at least a week's notice. He's free to do the same.

About once a month we try and go out together. Both sets of grandparents live in town, so we are lucky they can sit for us.

It does take a lot of work in the beginning to set up and make consistent. But once it becomes part of your routine, it will get easier. You just have to make the effort up front.

This works great for us! I hope that you can come to agreement that works for both of you.

Wow...when I read this, I thought I had typed it myself. My husband is the EXACT same, doing the EXACT same thing. In addition to the numerous gaming nights, he also plays sports multiple nights a week. I also needed some girl time.
I finally just started making plans of my own. I make sure I know the nights he has planned, and make plans for us or myself on other nights. I think my husband actually appreciates it because I don't get so cranky with him when I get to go out myself.
I stayed in school (pursuing a grad degree) just to get out of the house a few times a week. I love my kids and my husband, but I totally understand the need to have 'me' time.
Just know you are not alone. Good luck!

Being a SAHM is tough! I know you've had many responses that are great, but I just learned something about men that is helping me understand my hubby: They desire signs of respect most; whereas women desire signs of love most. That is not to say men don't need love and women don't need respect...just that when we communicate in a respectful way to our guys, it helps them understand. Like when they communicate in loving ways to us, we understand better. Anyway, I'm sure there are exceptions to the rule, but the idea is that when I show my husband that I respect his work, his ideas, and his time alone or with friends...he tends to show me that he loves me, my ideas, and offers time alone for me. Being honest with him is respecting him and not acting like a mother. It also helps to use "I" statements, like "I feel worried when you are out so late" because it communicates emotion and not pointing fingers. (Although when they do stuff like that it is hard--all I want to do is point fingers--but it does help him understand where you are coming from better.)
Also, tell him that he is a good father and you'd love for the kids to have some time with just him--that time with him alone strengthens their bond to him.
As for the girlfriends, plan a get together real soon and then once there say, "Whose going to plan a night out next month?"
Thanks for venting! We all feel it! Hang in there.

maybe one compromise you can offer your husband is to have his friends come over to your house. he can still be there for the kids, and you can go out with your friends. you could even say he/you need to put the kids to bed before the gaming starts. also before we moved bak by family, my husband would play video games with his brother over the internet. would your hubby be willing to try that? with headsets, they still get to talk during the game. as far as him not cutting back on gam nights with the boys, most likely his friends had already scheduled some events and he forgot the deal, or just didn't want to back out. just talk to him about ti again, but do it in a loving way, making sure you acknowledge his need to socialize, but point out that your need to socialize is just as important. most likely he'll make more of an effort if you remind him about your deal. youcan also try scheduling something with your friends ahead of time. put it on the calendar, tell hubby "next friday i'm going out with the girls, no game night please" if he still forgets, he'll the one that has to cancel with his friends not you, because he'll realize you had the night reserved already. i'm sure you guys will work this outo you can both be happy. just approach it in the most loving way you can (even if you're still ticked off!). good luck!

K., we have a lot in common. My husband goes to LAN parties about once per month and I could have written a lot of what you did.

Here's the thing about the GNO. I would set a date, set it up, write it on the calendar, tell him, email him, whatever you have to do so he can't forget or claim he didn't know or anything like that. But make yourself a date in advance and plan it with everyone, including the other ladies and your hubby.

With my hubby, I was resentful because I am not good at asking for things for ME (or for help, for that matter), but then one day he asked me whatever happened to my going out and encouraged me to do it. So I'd spent time being hurt and resentful about it, and he was just waiting for me to say the word and tell him I had plans! Classic lack of communication, which we're usually pretty good with.

As for the other ladies, I very much know that frustration. I feel like I always have to be in charge, always have to make plans for anyone to bother. At one point I got really frustrated with it and gave up. I was having some PPD and I decided that my doing all the work meant they didn't really want to spend time with me, so I gave up. Well, turns out things didn't implode and they did eventually contact me and try to put it together. A lot of the problem was just ME, because I always sort of take control of things so everyone else just got used to it and let me run with things. Once I stepped down, they took over and did alright and it let me know they actually did want to be around me. Since then, I, ahem, sort of took over things a bit again, but it really helps me to know that they can and will make plans if I don't. But, hey, we're natural born leaders and organizers, right? So things just go better when we do it! :D

And my hubby still gets home really late when he goes to a LAN party. We both basically know tension will come of him going because of how late he stays, but he says the same thing...that he loses track of time, sees how late it is and rushes home. The only thing I ask is that he calls when he is on his way home (and leaves a msg if I don't pick up, because I turn off the ringer so as not to wake the kids). At least this way, if I don't hear from him, I know he's safe at his friend's house. And I only have to worry if he calls to say he is leaving and then doesn't come home for a long time, but that doesn't happen.

Good luck! I hope you get your GNO!!

my husband's pretty understanding, so this is how I do it: Honey, on such and such date and such and such time, I have a date with the girls. Would you mind watching our baby?

As long as he doesn't have anything going on, we're set.

K.,
I feel for you, I really do! I understand EVERYTHING you wrote. I am a SAHM of a 22 mo. old daughter, love being with her all day, but also need a break! The husbands do work all day that is true, but they still get out of the house ALL day, interact with adults, don't have a child clinging to them all day, etc. My husband likes to dirtbike and golf, and it seems that he gets to do one or the other at least twice a month. No way would it be okay with me every other Friday night - wow that's a lot! Anyway, I have 2 different groups of friends that I go to dinner with each once a month around the city to get out. It is on the calendar and my husband knows about it in advance so he is home on time. With that said, I also just 'make time for me' whether it is for a mani/pedi on the weekends, going shopping, or even going to the grocery store ALONE! Have you tried talking to your husband about how burnt out you get when you don't get breaks? We are better moms, and the whole family is happier, when the mom is happy. You need your time too! Not to mention family time, where he can help out around the house and you all can go do things together with not all the strain and responsibility on you. Especially with twins, you've got your hands full! Do you think you have one good girlfriend that would be willing to schedule something in advance for you to get out of the house at least once a month for dinner for a start? Hope this helps, and if you want to talk just send me a message, I understand completely!

Get a calendar, put down the nights you are going out with the girls, the night you want for date night and hand it to him, period. Don't worry about asking, just do it. You deserve just as much if not more time to yourself with friends as much as he does. Being home with twins is HUGE and probably you are working harder then he does. It shouldn't be an argument and men feed on visuals better then anything. Just plan it, put it down and hand him the evenings he is to stay home and watch the kids!

you are a stay at home mom. there is nothing keeping you from making phone calls, setting up a date with your friends, then being ready to go the moment your husband gets home. all day long you'll be talking to your children, 'mommy's going to play with her friends this evening and you get to play with daddy!'

he can't leave if you are not home to babysit. if you wait for him to give up his play time you may be waiting forever. just take it. you deserve a break too. once he experiences your daily (nightly) life, he will likely understand what you've been saying all along.

Hey I know exactly how you feel. What I do is take off to one of my girlfriends houses once a week, after dinner and the kids are headed to bed, it gives me about 3 hours of time away from kids. We don't plan outings, we just hang out and if we decide we want to go somewhere, then we go out, otherwise we stay there, talk, play games, sew, etc. (being a former teacher) Staying home with your kids is the best thing you can do for them. It is tough because you feel like you are in the house all the time and by yourself, but I have gotten to the point where I take my kids out with me. We go to the park, have picnic lunches, etc. I have a 4 year old and 22 month b/g twins, it might get exhausting, but they have a ton of fun, and I'm out of the house. Good Luck:)

Tell him (nicely) again. If there's anything I've learned from my husband is that you must repeat yourself SEVERAL times. Sometimes, he may not be in a place to really hear what you are saying, but by saying it a few times he's bound to catch it once. I don't mean to sound degrading in any way, it's just that I belive firmly that "men are from mars and women are from venus" (excellent book by the way, I highly reccomend it). They don't remember from just one converstation. Also, maybe plan some thing yourself. Let him know what is going on. We all totally understand where you are. Don't worry, it gets MUCH better!

Have you thought about joining a mom/children playgroup? Mom's group's are great for getting you out and around other grown-ups during the day. Even though you will still have your kids with you much of the time, it's a nice break to talk with other women and when you are together as a group, the kids don't consume you quite as much. Most mom's groups also get together for after hours GNOs. Meetup.com has lots of mom's groups - look for a group that is close to home and has kids close the age of yours - sometimes it takes a couple of tries to find the right group, but it's well worth it when you find the right one.

I also suggest getting yourself out of the house a couple of times a week when your husband is home to go shopping, go the gym, take a class, whatever. . Just something to get a little time alone and also give him a chance to deal with the challenges of having the kids. Even if you just take an hour or two here or there, you will feel much better.

Good luck!

I think most SAHMs feel this way. My husband is a golfer, so he tries to get out at least one day a week (whether it's before work or on the weekend) and I usually get out just once a month, if that. But the only way it's going to change is if you tell your husband how unhappy you are that he goes out every weekend and you maybe get out once a month. Why don't you plan a date night and then tell him that that night is set aside for you as a couple. Then plan a night out with your friends and let him know that date is taken, too. What about making plans with your friends for brunch on a weekend? Then if your husband stays late, he'll still have to get up to take care of the kids. Maybe then he'll keep better track of time.

As for not wanting to ask permission, that's good that you have that arrangement, but now that you have kids, you need to make sure that they are being taken care of, so it's best that you BOTH check with the other to make sure there aren't any scheduling conflicts. I have a friend who will make plans and then her husband will make plans on the same night and she tells him that it's HIS responsibility to find a sitter if he wants to go out and vice-versa if he makes plans first.

No one can do anything about your friends being flakey or not being spontaneous. That's just how some people are. I'm not sure where in the SL valley you are, but you should see if there is a MOMS Club in your area www.momsclub.com It's a group for SAHMs (I'm a member of my area's chapter) and once a month we plan a Moms Night Out (people take turns hosting or planning) and it's always one night I can count on for having fun with friends. Also, the group does week day activities to get you and your kids out of the house. Some activities are for the kids and some are for the moms. It's been a sanity saver for me!

I hope you find a way to get out more. SAHMs deserve time off, too.

If you have to organize the night out with your friends anyway, why not just do it? Tell your husband "I'll be going out on...". He then has just to be home that night - even if he would go out every weekend himself, that still leaves a lot of nights for you to go... You could either put your kids to bed before you go or have him do it.
Same thing for the date night - find a babysitter, set a day, grab your hubby and go!
Good luck!

You have no idea how simalar your request is to exactly how I feel. Its like I wrote it! Haha. My husband too is a gamer, only he stays home and plays online with his friends. But every single day is the same thing. He gets home, we eat dinner and he goes to the computer and thats all she wrote. Some nights he doesnt come to bed til 1-2 in the morning even though he knows he has work in the morning. and I feel the same way about "Im not your mom" thing. I'm not going to tell him its bed time. Me, I look for any excuse to get out of the house. but my husband always wants to stay home because he was at work all day. I dont really have any friends to go out and do anything with for a GNO. And we live in the middle of nowhere so it's not like I can walk down the street and mingle with the neighbors. I dont really get the chance to meet new people. I thought about the part time job thing to, but I struggle with what I might miss as my baby grows, and the quality of care he might or might not get if I were to put him in daycare. But I feel like I am starving for any adult time period. My husband is the love of my life but I feel like he's more into his games than hearing about how our (me and my son) day was, no matter how boring it was. I know I dont really have any advice to give, but your not the only one who is struggling with this same issue. If you lived closer, I would say, lets just meet up, and go out, and have fun! I love being spontaneous! Good Luck to you!

I would try to set a specific weekend for each thing like 1st weekend of the month is date night and second weekend of the month is boys night and third is girls night, etc. Put it on a calendar on the door to the garage or whatever door you all use the most when you leave the house. Let your friends know this is what you need to do right now to get the time you want with them so you aren't always left out! Good luck!