How Do I Get My Grand Daughter to Practice Better Hygiene???

No advice, and I apologize to all for my tone... but poor hygiene does not necessarily = molestation.

My 18 daughter has had poor hygiene for years. She hasn't been molested or neglected, she just doesn't think about it. She has other things that are more important to her than "waste" time on hygiene. A frequent struggle to remind her to shower, brush her hair, etc that always is responded to with "but mom, i am in the middle of...."

Consider the following: I've never heard any whispers of Bill Gates being molested, yet he would go days without bathing, changing his clothes or basic grooming. Look what he's accomplished.

I agree that molestation might be the problem. It sounds a lot like a control issue of some sort at least. It also could be that she simply feels so out of control in her life that this is the one place she feels she can control. Kids are going to pick something that they know is very important to you when they do this, and it sounds like this is one of your big issues. Not saying it isn't important, but just that she may have quickly picked up on it, and realized it was something she could do to show she doesn't have to do what the adults in her life say. Have you had her to a doctor to find out about things like depression? This also sounds like things I've heard about people who are depressed.... they simply don't care enough to take care of themselves.
You didn't mention why the girl had to come and live with you, but it doesn't sound like her life prior to this was all that great if she "knew nothing about hygiene". If you aren't taking advantage of some sort of professional counseling for all of you, I think you should begin now. And do remember that her life didn't begin when you got her. You may have to do some careful probing and think about what you know has led your granddaugters (you also mention the sister) to this point in their lives. It sounds like the sister may not have the same issues, so is it possible for you to also talk with her and find helpful insights?
Above all... don't let this girl's lack of hygiene put you off from loving her. She obviously needs a lot of love from you.. even if she seems to reject it. Hold your nose -figuratively - and give her hugs, if she'll let you. Or just find out what she'll accept in the way of you showing her all the love you can.

Your granddaughter is lucky to have you. I agree that whatever her life was like before she came to you warrants counseling. It really sounds like she has some pretty serious emotional issues going on. If you would like referrals in the Sacramento area, please feel free to message me. My mom is a therapist in Sacramento and I would be happy to ask her. Hugs - that sounds like a hard situation for all of you.

Something else has to be going on. I would sit down and talk to her, not about her hygeine, but about her life. I would observe and ask questions. It is not you it is something else, something serious. Find out what it is and help her through it. Because you are concerned about her hygeine, make sure she goes to get her teeth cleaned every 3 months. Make hair appts. for her and take her to get a shampoo and cut. Buy dry/powder shampoo and have her sprinkle it on her head and brush in. My concern is that something huge is going on that makes her not want to be clean. Look at everything. Good luck

Hi D.. I was a foster parent for 11 years. I saw this behavior frequently in kids who were molested. I also saw it in kids who were severely neglected as they never learned it. By the time they are as old as she is, they think they don't need help and are in control of everything. I think getting her to a therapist would be helpful. You can start with county mental health or a school counselor to see if they have ideas where to start. Sierra Adoption Services has a kinship support program. That could be helpful to give you some support by talking to other people raising their relative's child.

I'm just in Roseville and have 6 adopted children. If you just need to talk sometime, don't be afraid to e-mail me.

L.

Hi D.,
I am a Grandmother too. I no longer say you need to. I have found out that a direct request such as, "GO TAKE A SHOWER!" works best. You are the head of the household and household rules such as being clean is not to much to ask and shows that you care about her. I have a very lazy 18 year old and I found out early on that you can't ask, you need to demand, it is that simple. She may have other issues but being LAZY would be my first thought at that age. My niece visits every other weekend and she is twelve. Another lazy kid that I have to remind to do everything. As far as the teeth brushing goes, show her people with dental problems on line then demand she brushes her teeth every AM & PM. If her breath is bad afterward have her show you how she brushes her teeth, this will make her feel uncomfortable and a little ashamed that she is not doing it correctly or at all. At least you'll know they got a good scrubing while you are watching. When she gets out of the shower smell her hair and if it doesn't smell good send her back in to the shower and eventually she will get sick of the back and forth and will do it correctly the first time. My kids and Grandkids bathe every evening along with the teeth brushing. Remember you are the one in charge and get a handle on it before she gets any older. My children are 27,18 and 11. My grandchildren are 9,2 and one more on the way. My 18 year old is the laziest who now likes girls and is clean and fresh smelling everyday all on his own! Good luck and thoughts are with you. :)

Hi D.,
I hate to even ask this but... is there any chance she has been molested? She may be trying to make herself SO unattractive that boys won't look at her. I really hate to even mention it. I suggest taking her to a therapist because SOMETHING is going on. I'm sure there is a good reason she lives with you. It might also help to make a chart of things she needs to do before bed, like bathe, wash her hair and brush her teeth. Listerine makes a disclosing mouthrinse that stains plaque blue, showing her were she is missing.
Sincerely,
L.

In my quest to get my 12 & 13 yr. daughters to take there education seriously, someone gave me a piece of insight that seemed to help: "You can lead a horse to water, and even hold it's head right down to the water, but.....YOU CAN'T MAKE THEM DRINK!!......or, they might drowned!ha-ha!