How Do I Help DH Make Friends

Well....

Probably the first is just to realize that SOME people are loners. And they're okay with that. Extroverts get energy from being with other people, and being alone makes they tired/depressed/cranky. Introverts get energy from being alone, and being around others too much makes them tire/ depressed/ cranky.

I'm definitely an introvert, but my son and husband are extroverts.

Don't get me wrong, I ENJOY people, but on my own timeframe. I have a few good friends that I trust completely and implicitly. Most of them are out of state, which suits me fine, because then I get to call them. And when I need alone time I get to hang up. ALSO I get to "visit" for a week or two a couple times a year, which suits me down to the floor. I'm utterly happy with my deep friendships.

Acquaintances are interesting, but I don't want to spend a lot of time with them or too frequently. And I interact with people all the time, and I'm one of those who can talk to ANYONE ANYWHERE ANYTIME about ANYTHING. I'm an introvert, but I'm not shy. I just highly enjoy my space and my privacy.

If your husband works, he's around people all day. If he's an introvert like me, then there is probably nothing more enjoyable than coming home 9x out of 10.

It's the 10th time that you CAN help. Try giving him a "day". Like a Wed evening, or saturday from noon - ____ (like 7pm or midnight). On that day he can do ANYTHING he wants. Meet up for drinks after work, go ________, whatever. Make plans without asking/checking with you first/ arranging babysitting. ((Introverts often need dedicated time where they can PLAN to interact with people so they can psych themselves up for how draining -even though fun- it will be. Also, when there are extra "hoops" to jump through -like checking with a spouse and finding out that day won't work, trying to find another time with said friend that will work with THEIR schedule, etc.- it just becomes too much "work". Because visiting will be tiring anyway -but still fun- adding more stress just makes it a no go)).

The OTHER thing you can do is to encourage him in his _________. Maybe he used to play basket ball, or swim, recite bad poetry before he got married and had kids. Maybe there's something he WANTS to do/learn that he just hasn't gotten around to yet. I often play the "lottery" game. Meaning: If I won the lottery, what would I be doing? It's helps cut through the miasma of daily life and find hopes & dreams. With a little dedicated time, and encouragement from a spouse, a person can still DO those things. Just slower (because they still have to work). Friends are a natural byproduct from doing things you enjoy, because you find other people who are ALSO doing what you enjoy.

I have to highlight something I've brought up a couple times. For introverts, being around other people is exhausting... BUT... it's still fun when you actually like the person, or are doing an activity that you like with them (like playing pool, or mountain climbing, or watching foodball with heart-attack food). Still FUN, just tiring. The two are not mutually exclusive. It just creates a challenge to work around. Pretty much for every block of time I spend socializing, I need about 3x that block in order to "feel like myself" / feel alert/happy/rested. So when you're blocking time for him, don't be surprised if a LOT of that time gets spent in solitary activity. That solitary time is absolutely VITAL to also being social. It looks very odd to extroverts though. Like we're doing the opposite of what we should. When we're not :) It's just that we have a different set of needs.

BTW... BIG HUGS and kudos to you, for wanting your husband to be happy, and for wanting to help facilitate that. More than anything else, I think real love is defined by another person's happiness being vital to your own. Not in a codependant kind of way, but in a "wanting the best" kind of way.

You can't make him have friends. Some people are just not as social as others. If he is introverted and/or analytical, he is going to socialize differently from you. Your children will see how you are, and will learn about socialization when they are in school, lessons, sports, etc. They also will need to learn that different people have different personalities, and that is to be respected as well. Unless he's depressed, or there is a deeper problem, perhaps you can make "couple" friends so you both get out, and maybe he'll meet someone he likes to hang out with that way.

What types of things does he enjoy doing? My husband is very athletic, so when we moved to our town, he joined the local rugby team (he has played in other cities in the past). He met all kinds of guys doing that, and really enjoys their company. My dad is not athletic and is not really that social either, and recently he and my mom moved to a new town. My dad joined a local wine tasting club (he and my mom go together), and he likes computers so he also joined a users group where they have seminars and things like that. So he has met a number of people that way as well. Maybe he wouldn't mind getting involved with your kids' sports teams, if they play any sports? Soccer teams, baseball teams etc can always use parents to help out at practice, and he would probably meet other dads there.

But ultimately, some people are just homebodies. Maybe he is happy just being with you and the kids! Of course it's good to have friends but sometimes it's so nice just to be with the people you love in a low-stress atmosphere. Especially if he works hard at work, he may just be too tired to go out and make new friends right now? But I agree with you, having friends is always a good thing!

If you can come up with some good answers, let me know. The majority of my friends have moved to different states and I was talking to this gal yesterday about this because we both have the same dilemna. If a person is not really outgoing, it makes it difficult to make new friends. All I can think of is to join groups and meet people who enjoy what you do. We joined a car club and have met some nice people... but no one there is going to be a BFF for me. I wish your husband a lot of luck.

There isn't anything you can do. It's up to him and his personality type. It's just the way he is and trying to push him out of his comfort stage is not a good idea. Also, I have found that men don't keep/nurture their relationships form high school or work as well as woment do. We plan, we talk, we get together etc. And as we age.............it's harder to make friends. You are no longer thrown into those social settings where we were young and it was easy to make friends: class, sports etc. Even work. I say let him be and let him make friends if he wants to. He probably rejuvenates at home. Just be supportive if he DOES want to go do something or meets some friends he does want to go do something with. Nobody likes to have a playdate set up for them and let me tell you we/they don't always fall in love the friends' spouse. Your children will see what you do and depending upon their personality type they will either be more like you or more like your husband. Or something in between. Also, it seems like you're more concerned about this than he is (I mean this in a nice way) and maybe it would be best just to let it be. :)

The first question that came to my mind is what does he do for a living? Not that a man's job causes him to be more reclusive, but I think sometimes the chosen profession is an indicator that the guy naturally tends to be more of a 'loner'. I'm married to a man who prefers to do things quietly on his own and our son has turned out to be the same way. Both of them are friendly enough people, but just do not choose to have close friends or 'buddies'. Neither of them are interested in going out and doing a lot of 'guy' activities. I think the best thing you can do is just to occasionaly invite people you know, one or two couples or families at a time, to come over for dinner, or just dessert and some evening conversation... and play games if that interests you. You won't change your husband's basic personality, but it will give him an opportunity to come out of his 'shell' for at least a little while and he can develop some relationships with people who will be there for him when it's important for him to have someone outside the family.. which sounds like your main concern in him having friendships.

Host a neighborhood potluck or picnic in a nearby park - tell hubby it's a playdate to meet new friends for the kids and scope out their parents so he has to come. I'm sure with all the dads commuting these days it's hard for most working parents to have time to socialize and meet new people with common interests so your neighbors will like the idea too.
Keep in mind you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink. ;)

Hello K., I was going to pass this question on by but my son encouraged me to share a bout his dad. My husband recently passed away. But for years he was a student, a father and husband and dworked and was in the leadership of our church. So he was always busy. BUT he was busy taking care of all of us and not himself. He was a man of few words but the ones he spoke were great. I finally had enough and found men that liked to play chess just like D. and also played the gutair like D.. They worked lots of strange shifts like he did. So 2 times a week I 'd get one of them to come and either do music or chess ( chess guys can play anytime anywhere I discovered), So when he came home at 10 pm Steve , Robert, Larry or Carl was there-- they would talk and have a great time. I just had snacks and soda ready and went to bed. When he was in his hospital bed these same friends came and visited and enjoyed one another's company. So if you have to be creative to do it then do so like me. I was greatly blessed for my efforts becasue I saw so much joy on his face and saw him relax. Good Luck

Sounds like you need to get to know your dh's personality a little better to find out WHY he doesn't have a lot of friends. I suggest having him do a Meyers Briggs personality evaluation. You can find it online and have him take it. As an ISTJ, I don't have a lot of friends either and I'm comfortable with that knowing that it is my personality type and not anything I'm doing wrong.

Not everyone needs a circle of friends. There are different personality types out there and some of us are perfectly content with our families and acquaintances. I don't think it's a bad thing. Maybe your husband is more of an introvert and finds his peace internally rather than externally. :)

I don't believe it would harm your children. I am an introvert and prefer my family and alone time above time with friends. However, my 16 year old has no problems making friends and my 11 year old is a social butterfly. :) The other 3 are too young to tell so far. :)

If he's happy and you are happy together, I wouldn't think twice about it. :)

I would not try to push him to make friends. It will just cause contention between the two of you. I would cultivate a circle of friends, other couples or better yet families, that you have something in common with. Initiate neighborhood block parties, or host pot lucks at your house. It will get easier as your kids get older. They will develop their own friends from school, have playdates, etc. Then you can initiate getting together with their families. When our first child was in kindergarten, a group of us moms planned weekly outings to the park after school. That was 7 years ago and we still get together with that same group of families periodically.

Maybe your husband will find that he particularly connects with one of the other dads, and will start to do things one-on-one. Or maybe not. I don't think that's important as long as your family is spending time with other families, he will get the benefits you discussed in your post.

I think you should just leave your husband a lone. I mean, truly short of scheduling a "play date" how do you make friends for your husband? I am like your husband in that i don't really have any friends other than co-workers and family and I must admit I do miss it at times, but for the most part, I'm fine with it.

I think maybe if you start inviting more couples over to your house for dinner or a BBQ on a more frequent basis, your husband may start to develop friendships with the other men. You may have to play the part of social director on this. If your husband is really reserved, then it may take him a while to warm up to all of these new friends so give it some time.

Also, keep in mind that your husband may just be really reserved and okay with maybe having one or two close friends that he talks to every once in a while. I understand and appreciate your point of view because I'm pretty much the same way but, if your husband doesn't end up developing the friendships that you hoped he would with your influence, then you may just have to accept him for who he is and allow him to live within his comfort zone.

I wholly support everything Riley mentioned below but would like to add a couple side notes.

"Friend Families" can make it easier for introverts to come around in their own time without feeling rushed or forced into a one on one friend situation. This will also support the message you want to send to your kiddos. Have you tried scoping out a few parents of your children's friends at school or sports? I have several friends that I made through interactions with our children and something "clicked". You could arrange a bbq or kid event with a couple parents that seem to have good vibes that way the kiddos can play in the yard, moms can retreat to the kitchen, dad's can light things on fire at the grill or fireplace and then gather around the tv, etc... You'll probably need to give your hubby a good amount of warning for these events and some recoup time afterwards, but I'm sure he'd prefer it to jumping out on his own looking for friends he doesn't seem to motivated to find on his own anyways...

Haha you have described my husband. My husband has one friend that lives 3 hours away, they talk on the phone but that's about it. I have a group of friends & we will get together as couples once in a blue moon but of course as SAHM's we get together all the time. We always talk about how our husbands are jealous that we girls get together & none of them take the initiative to get together with just the guys. So my husband loves going to the gun range so I asked one of my friends if her husband would enjoy going & we set our husbands up on a play date. Now they go & have asked the other husbands to join them, so they go about every 3 months now. The go to the gun range, smoke some cigars, & go to an awesome cajun restaurant after & have beer & food.

So can you set your husband up on a play date with some of your friends husbands?