How Do You Tell Your Kids Their Grandmother Has Serious Cancer?

I took a brief seminar on children and dying and, tho I remember so little of it now, the main thing I remember is that you tell the child that Grandma/Grandpa, etc., is very, very, VERY ill, so that if you get sick in some non-terminal way, they don't fear that you are going to die, as well.

My mother has terminal lung cancer, and I have taken to just throwing children's library books about death or dying into the mix. My daughter has come across them and asked random questions about things and I try to be as honest as I think she can handle (she is six).

K.D.
I am so sorry that you are going through this. It's SO hard to explain serious illness to kids. I lost my SF to cancer several years ago, and he was a primary caregiver for my son.
We talked to some "experts" and followed this advice.
Be honest and keep it age-appropriate.
You can tel them that their grandmother has cancer and is very ill.
Tell them that the doctors are going to try everything that they can to help grandma.
At their ages 11 and 8, and considering the history of their losses, they will surely know that it is very serious and potentially fatal BUT you can encourage them to keep hope, pray and encourage them to be "in touch" with her as much as they can. Maybe you can plan a visit for the near future so they can see her?
Again, so sorry.

I'm so sorry about all of your losses. My grandfather died of bile duct cancer and only made it three months after the diagnosis, so I really understand how serious it is. A horrible, horrible thing to watch a loved one go through.

I agree with all Denise suggests. You need to be honest, as hard as it is. Maybe something like, "I have some bad news to share. I didn't want to hurt you with this news but knew you would want to be trusted with the truth. Your grandmother has cancer and it's very serious. The doctors don't think she will live more than another year ..."

What I would do is stress after that you want to make grandma as happy and loved as possible and maybe make a list of all of the things they want to do with her in her remaining time (once they get over the initial shock and grief).

I would also enlist the help of your pastor and the guidance counselors again. They have helped in the past and can definitely be a good resource now.

I'm so sorry your family is going through this. My kids lost both their grandparents (my parents) within a few years of each other - they were very close to them. My only advice is to be honest with your girls - children have an amazing capacity for compassion and understanding. Sending hugs and prayers your way.

I told my son (19 yrs) but not my daughter (4yrs) about grandmas cancer. She's undergoing treatment now.

I think you just need to tell them that grandma is sick. Answer their questions honestly and leave it at that.

That's a tough tough one, because if you tell them now they are going to think everyone in their lives are going to be wiped out. If this was the first death, then I would say tell them based on their age, but they've already experienced their grandfather, so that alone is traumatic.

On the other hand, they have been a part of the whole trauma your family has been through and they might be tougher at dealing with it than you think.

I would probably say something like "Girls, you know our family has been through a lot, and I know you are still grieving or sad over losing grandpa. I don't know how to say this, but we have some bad news about grandma as well. We think she will only be alive with us for 6 more months. I want us to be strong and spend as much time with grandma as we can. Let us tell her how much we love her"

That's the best I could think of, because as bad as it is, it is a reality of life that we die, so you just have to be as honest as possible and surround them with as much support and counselors as necessary. Sorry for you going thru all this. My prayers are with you.

your 11 year old should be old enough to handle details, but not the 8 year old. I would just tell them when you absolutely have to , and then, just say Grammy is sick, but not like a cold, the kind of sick doctors can't fix. See what the reactions are. If they ask for more, tell them more, if they don't, leave it until another conversation is needed.. good luck, that's a lot for one family to deal with..

i told my kids who were signifiagantly older 20 at the time that grandpa has cancer it doesnt mean a death sentence but there is a strong possibility that it will take him. I never sugar coated it by saying he would be fine. I told him there was no way to predict the outcome. but you have to be prepared to lose him. but mine was much older than yours. I did explain to him deaths usually happen in threes so be prepared for more. I was right I lost 2 uncles shortly there after. when my grand parents died he was signifigantly younger grandma first and then grandpa and then my cousin. he dealt with it like a trooper. we didnt let him go to grandpas funeral cause of my cousin having muscular dystrophy and the girl that was babysitting and sitting with my cousin couldnt lift him and my son was big enough he could. so I explained to him I needed him there for my cousin. and i also told him my cousin couldnt go to the bathroom on his own and it was better to be boy on boy instead of girl on boy. they just have to go through the grieving process just like everyone else and my son handled the three well. sorry for your losses and good luck

I don't have any advice on this topic but I do have some ideas about how they can cope...

Speak to the grandmother, ask her if it is ok to let your kids create special "chests" with items that remind them on grandma (photos, trinkets, etc) of hers. Also if she can, get her to write a special note or 2 for each child to put in their chests.

Let each child decorate their chest and place special items inside, poems, stories grandma told, special notes, etc. When they feel sad or upset, they can go to their chests and look over all their wonderful memories of grandma. They can build the contents up over time as well.

Hope this helps...

Hi KD, It is so hard to have to explain this to kids. I think it is harder on us as parents. I would make a few suggestions. I would tell them small amounts of information at first. I would tell them as much as they need to know. Like, Dad is visiting his mom, she isn't feeling well, she needs surgery. If they ask more questions, I would tell them more. I would also go to the library and check out some children's and parent's books that deal with cancer and death and explaining it to kids. I would use those when you think they are ready, and when they start to ask you questions. I don't think I would tell them all of the information all at once.
Most importantly, I would set aside some time soon to visit with their grandmother and take photos and video with her....so they will have that later on to look back on. It is hard to think of the future now, but you want them to remember her and the special relationship they had with her. Years from now, they won't remember everything about her.
It sounds like you have had a very difficult few years. None of this is easy, especially when the kids are young. It sounds like you are doing everything you can do with your girls. I'm sorry for your losses.
Hope this helps you in some way.....
M.

I know firsthand what your girls are going through. I lost one grandma when I was seven, the other when I was ten right before Christmas, Aunt Barbara a year later right after Christmas, and Grandpa (the husband and father of the latter pair) a month after Barbara. I wasn't very close to the first since she was in the nursing home and basically unable to speak for as long as I can remember. I was very close to my other grandma and Grandpa and fairly close to Aunt Barbara. I didn't actually see Grandpa right after he died, but I had a dream where I watched him die and the details (time included) turned out to be on par with his death.

I'd tell it like it is without too much sugarcoating and not too much detail. Tell them that she's got the same problem as your dad and they'll probably understand. There's probably no need to tell them to make the most of the time they have left with her since they'll probably do that without being told. I made the most of my last vacation with Grandpa and even paid for our final dinner on the trip.

They'll never fully get over the pain of losing those they love, but it's something we all carry with us. They'll carry their good memories of the people they lost forever. The tears help to heal our hearts. Your daughters might be rather depressed for a time, but they will most likely get over it fairly soon if there isn't too much additional trauma (it took a while for me since there were the additions of Dad losing his job, Dad being diagnosed with prostate cancer and diabetes, puberty, my sister moving away, kids being cruel, my pets dying, and moving to another part of the country away from a lot of family). At least they have the church to help them through this; my family had recently left the church and I was unsure of my own faith (still don't attend church, but I prefer to worship on my own time and in my own way).

Please note: in my case, I knew most of what was going on with my dying grandparents since I grew up surrounded by the medical field and my mom is a nurse.

My condolences to you and yours. Best of luck.

I think "Itsa.Secret" has a great idea. Special notes for each child would be so comforting to them, its like grandma actually talking to them. If your Mother-in-law is up to it, notes (letters) for the milestones in their lives...graduation, first job, marriage, birth of their children, etc would mean the world to them. "A message from the future". Their grandmother may also want to give each of her graddaughters a piece of her fine jewelry. My mother is doing that now for her granddaughter. A treasure chest of momentos and happy memories will help with the loss.
Good luck and my sincerest condolences.

I am amazed at what your family is being put through currently. These topics are never easy. Adults have trouble understanding, and yet we have to find a way to explain it to children. I think that your first course of action would be to visit with the same people you have been--counselors, pastor--and get their advice, first.

I have a 6 and a 3 year old. A dear friend of ours was diagnosed with breast cancer and, of course, began treatment. The girls saw it first hand. We happened to have the Dr. Suess book, "Inside Your Outside." Using terminology from that book, I explained what cancer is. Using terminology from their own experiences with ear infections and such, I explained her treatment. "Instead of just taking some pink medicine at breakfast and dinner, she had to go to the hospital to get her special medicine and sometimes her tummy didn't like it." And the fact that she had to take it for a long time, not just 10 days. Obviously, I had to really water it down, but they got it on their terms. We did not discuss mortality at the time--that was for if/when we would need to. I even told our friend what I had told them, and she was amazed at how well they did with the information.

I will hold you all in my prayers.