How Should We Handle Relatives Who Insist on Bringing Their Dogs Over?

Sounds like they have you trained well, sorry. If you don't want their dogs then you need to simply say NO DOGS. Period.

You're going to have to make a firm boundary.
No dogs at your home.
Period.
If they don't like it, they don't have to visit.
If they don't visit, then their dogs are more important to them than you and your kids are.
Make other friends and don't be upset if family 'goes to the dogs' as it were.

I've had dogs and kids. I've never, EVER, said "my dog will never hurt anyone." That's BS - any dog, under the right conditions, can act out. In an unfamiliar home, with unfamiliar children who can't be expected to know how to hold back, any dog can react. It doesn't matter that your toddler didn't reach out to the dog. Even if she had, it's up to the owners to control the dog. They didn't.

You say to your family, "I'm sorry that you won't be joining us this year. Hope we can go out to lunch at a restaurant in the next few weeks." And if the boyfriend won't come without the dog, you know exactly where you and your children land on his priority list.

I adore my dog. She sleeps in my bed. I call her my baby. And you know what? She's NOT my child! (And your sister's dog is not her child!) My dog doesn't accompany us to people's houses, she doesn't go to restaurants (obviously), and I understand about crating her and/or hiring a dog sitter.

You tell your family - again - that you are sorry they have decided not to be considerate of your and your children. If you have just your immediate family (mom, dad, kids) for Thanksgiving, then so be it. That's what you are thankful for!

Actually, it's no more rude than having an "adults only" event or wedding - it's not RUDE to not invite kids to things. It's rude to insist that kids (or dogs) be able to attend when that's not the invitation.

My only critique of you and your husband is that you have said "we'd rather not have the dogs" instead of, "I'm sorry, but the dogs cannot be here. If you decide to spend the holidays with the dogs rather than with us, we understand. Happy holidays."

No means no.

Stop explaining the reasons why because your Mom and sister don't care about anyone but themselves. How to explain from now on? "I'm sorry but we won't be able to host your dog" "We'd love to see you but your dogs are no longer invited to our home" "I'm sorry you feel hurt but I need to do what is best for my family in my home. You are welcome to come visit but your dogs need to stay home" "I know you feel I'm being unreasonable but no your dogs are not allowed to come visit"

I have a dog. He stays home when I go visit people. My brother has 3 dogs and they've never set foot in my house. My other brother has 2 and I've only seen them in pictures.

"My sister has told me that her dogs are her children and we are being very rude and unkind to her if we don't let them come along. She's also said we need to trust her and her dogs because she knows they would never hurt anyone . Her boyfriend will not come over unless one of the dogs can come. My sister rarely comes anymore and literally throws a tantrum if we say she can't bring a dog."

LOL
She manipulative much?
Are you kidding me?

This is not about being a dog lover. This is about control.

Sounds like the only way your kids will have a relationship with your mom and sister is if they have one with their dogs first. THAT is unreasonable, and THAT is what they are choosing.

You are being reasonable.

Sorry that your sister and mother are ganging up on you when you are kind enough to host a holiday.
Stop caving to their threats. Do not argue, explain or discuss this. Tell them no and leave it at that. Your house, your rules. Stand firm.

ETA: People who threaten a relationship when another person puts their (very appropriate) needs first (which is what your mom and sis are doing) are people who are not good to invest in emotionally....especially for children.

It is reasonable. They are coming to your house--- your house, your rules.

I can't imagine telling everyone I had to bring my cats everywhere. That's just stupid. You have stated your preference. No dogs for now. They can adjust. And I have friends who have no children, just dogs-- still, they don't feel compelled to bring their dogs everywhere they go.

Sorry you are dealing with this. I think your mom and sister are being ridiculous. It is your house and you have the right to ask them to leave their dogs at home, and they should respect your wishes without giving you a hard time about it. It sounds to me like you have valid reasons for not wanting them there.

One of my biggest pet peeves is dog owners who don't respect other people's feelings toward dogs. Both of my kids used to be terrified of dogs and still get scared sometimes by big dogs or dogs off leashes. I have had countless dog owners let their dogs come right up to my (clearly terrified) children and tell them "oh, it's ok, he's so friendly" and it makes me furious! If they had any respect for other people, they would not only hold the dog back when it's obvious the kids don't like it, but that would apologize! Not try to prove that their behavior is acceptable. So, for your sister to say you have to trust her is really disrespectful. I always say that even the nicest dog will snap at a child that teases it or seems at all threatening. Anyway, enough ranting about that.

I would just sit down with them each one more time and have an honest conversation. Tell them that you really love having them in your life and want to continue seeing them on a regular basis. Say you understand how much they love their dogs and how important they are to them, but that you just aren't comfortable having them around your children. Hopefully they will understand. If not, stop inviting them over for awhile. I would hope that eventually your mom will realize her grandchildren are more important to her than her dog, and that she can leave the dog home for one afternoon to visit.

It's well past time to draw your boundaries and stick to them. Your mom and sister (+ boyfriend) can choose whether or not to accept your invitation.

If they pick their dogs over you, at least you know where you stand and you can turn your focus towards relationships with other people. Family isn't a matter of genetics, but about forming ties with those who have mutual love and respect for each other.

You can ask whatever you want - it's your home. Your children.

My MIL once brought her dog to our flat without asking. The dog went after my cat. I wasn't impressed and my husband said something because it was never an issue again.

Is this overnight extended visits, or is this just coming over to visit?

Personally - if I had relatives who had tantrums and demands, I'd be wanting some distance anyhow. That's just me. Do you really need that?

Wow. They are being selfish and weird. I would politely, but firmly, stand your ground. But these people sound like the type that will childishly hold it against you. Be prepared for that. I LOVE dogs, but don't expect to bring mine into someone's home uninvited.

As an animal lover myself I don't think this is about the dogs at all. I cannot IMAGINE bringing my pets anywhere besides my home, the local trails and parks, and the vet. People who bring their animals into other peoples' homes, especially homes where they are clearly not invited, are bizarre to say the least. I'm sorry you have to deal with this with this weirdness within your own family. Just say NO, and do NOT fee guilty or bad about it, it's their problem not yours.

Umm. Yes.. that's ridiculous. It's your house and you have very young children..

My husbands cousin brought her three month old to our home. We have a German Shepherd and we put him in a room while they visited. His cousin who knows our dog wanted him to be let out. I was a little hesitant, but it went very well.. he absolutely was mesmerized! 😂

However, I would never ever bring him to someone else's house with small children. Dogs will act differently when they aren't in their own space and environment.

I trust my dog in my home, but not anyone else's. Anyone who says that they trust their dog to be wonderful at all times in all places is asking for an accident.. trust me..

Yes, it's reasonable. Your home, your rules. I love dogs as much as anyone and I can't imagine doing this to someone I was visiting. They need to make other plans for the dogs during the times they visit. End of story.

You are perfectly reasonable. I honestly can't recall ever saying it's OK for someone to bring their dog to my house and was always mortified the few times my ex asked if he could bring our dog to his parents' house. It's beyond rude of them. Hold your ground.

Sorry, but YOUR home, YOUR rules. Guests don't get to dictate what goes in your own home (and yes, family members ARE guests, unless they live in your home). If they cannot respect your wishes (and honestly, you sound very reasonable given your own experiences), then they can find a kennel or a dog-sitter that will watch their dogs. It is not your responsibility to provide your home and free dog-sitting because they cannot leave their dog at home for a few hours.

It is ridiculous that people feel they cannot leave their dog alone for a few hours...they are NOT children. I see people bringing dogs to restaurants and sitting them on the chair, letting them lick off of a dinner plate. That's not the kind of thing I want to witness while I am eating, and I make it a point to tell management that I find it revolting and will no longer be a patron at their establishment. The entitlement and rudeness of these people is shocking, these are the same people who will take their dogs out to poop in others' yards and walk away. Ugh, don't get me started...

Seriously though. If you can go to work and leave your dog at home, you can certainly visit people without imposing that they must allow your dogs at their home. Be firm. You should not be stressed out at your own home supervising the dogs around your kids because they decided that! You deserve to have a sense of safety in your own home, and by bringing a growling dog, they're just manipulating you into feeling on edge in your own home, wondering if your children will be attacked. Don't allow any negotiation or guilt-tripping, no is no, and if they care for your and the kids, they will find a way to deal with dog care.

Your house, your rules. It is not just the dogs behavior, you have kids playing and crawling around and putting toys in their mouth and you would prefer those toys not be covered in hair. It is time to just say it plain as day, if the dogs come they will be expected to wait outside, in the garage (if you have one) or in the dog owners car, no exceptions. The only ones being rude are those who think their dogs should be allowed everywhere just because the owner doesn't happen to have children.

Wow. Growled at your child when it had a treat and she doesn't care? She's putting her dog over the child. And you're asking if it's reasonable for your child to see her grandmother without the dog???

Call a vet and talk to him or her about this. Ask for help getting through to your mom that this is a recipe for disaster. Pay the vet for his or her time in counseling your mother. And then stick with it, no matter what.

As far as your sister is concerned, she doesn't get to come over. Period. She's being a complete tool, and so is the boyfriend.

The day you're at the ER with your child getting 40 stitches and a donation of blood is the day you will decide to never talk to your family members again. Be willing to stand up to these selfish people before this happens.

I don't know why your mom even thinks its ok to still bring the dog over after it growled at your kids. They are making you feel like the bad guy by having temper tantrums and threatening not to come. Don't invite them over for thanksgiving this year. Have a nice quiet day with your husband and kids. You'd rather be safe than sorry if something serious happens between your kids and their dogs.

What you are asking is completely reasonable. It is extremely presumptuous to think that anyone would allow someone else's animal into their home, never mind to insist upon it! It sounds like these family members are very unreasonable and you are not likely going to change their minds. I would never allow someone to bring a dog into my house, and I would not be bullied into it! Let the know the rules and they can choose between your kids and their dogs. If they choose their dogs over your kids, your kids are better off without them.

I agree with the others that they're being disrespectful. Bottom line, I would not be made uncomfortable in my own home.

Maybe invite them to coffee and explain you've allowed it in the past, but you are asking them to respect you and your husband's decision to not have their dogs in your home. They will probably be angry/hurt and I would be prepared mentally and emotionally. If you're not willing to risk them being angry and hurt and possibly not coming to your house for awhile, then you're stuck. If you're ready to make a stand and live through the storm, let them know their dogs need to stay home.

Henry Cloud has a great book on setting boundaries. You might enjoy reading it. I found it very helpful.

Happy Thanksgiving!

i'm sorry your family is being so rude and inflexible about this. it would be one thing if you'd never made it clear to them how you feel, but since you have and they're putting it back on you, you're in the hot seat.

and they're being unpleasant and really passive-aggressive by putting you there.

so you have to decide. it's your mom and sister, so i guess it IS a big deal. ish.

the best solution would be to simply not invite them any more. without a lot of drama or apologies or discussion or explaining. a simple 'i'm sorry, our children are too young to know how to behave around your dogs, and they're all at risk when they're in our home. let's meet at your house/a restaurant/thepark/somewhere neutral.'

i've had love-me-love-my-dog friends who eased out of our lives when we refused to allow the dogs here. that was fine with me, but they weren't my mom. i get how it's harder for you.

really, your only options are to suck it up and deal with the dogs (can you at least fence them in the kitchen or a spare room?) or be firm and courteous about not inviting them over.

we've actually relaxed our stance about other people's dogs and have thoroughly enjoyed our visiting pooches in the last few years, but we don't have small children. the only ones put out are our old dog and the cats, who are highly unamused but handle it with evil eyes and claws at the ready.

you are being perfectly reasonable. i'm sorry your family is not.

ETA- haha, love nervy's response! next time i get an invitation i don't want to accept i'm going to say, 'my pony is my baby, i'll only come if i get to bring the mare with me.' :D
khairete
S.

You are not being unreasonable! It is rude of them to expect people to welcome their dogs as guests. If they're in town, they can leave the cuddly creatures at home. If they're out of town, offer to find them a pet friendly hotel. I am an animal lover, but I would never insist my dog be allowed in someone else's home.

I'd turn it around to: Our kids aren't that experienced with dogs cause they are so young, and there is a possibly that they might innocently provoke or injure your dog. You know, little kids are very curious and I wouldn't want them to, e.g., poke your dog in the eye or grab him by the p****** p****.

It is reasonable, yes. Unfortunately, your relatives are not. I'm sorry, but I think you and your husband need to just decide to stop issuing invitations for awhile. Let the others host and you go be the guest. Of course, then you'll likely need to ask them to contain their pets somewhere when you are there with your small children. If they decline to do so, then you have the same options that they have: to decline invitations to their residence.
It's a two way street. They don't have to come to your house, but your house is your house, and you get to decide whether you allow dogs inside it. Their house is their house, and they get to decide if they want to accommodate your needs by containing their dogs when you are present there with your children.

Neither of you is forced to be in the other's space. Sadly, it might mean you only meet up in public venues for awhile. But hey, that's the way it goes sometimes.

I see both sides of this. We have a loving German Shepherd Dog who is part of our family and has been for over 12 years now. She grew up with our children, who are now 18 and 15. She lives in the house with us. Gentle to a fault with littles (less forgiving of over steps by adults, especially men... she's less relaxed around them, until she knows them well). She's allowed herself to be fallen onto by my nephew (who is developmentally disabled), at age 10, with arthritis in her hips, and her response was to get up as quickly as possible and retreat to another room.
When she is uncomfortable like that, I will closer her in the bedroom to keep her safe. I have never had anyone ask me to put her up for THEIR comfort. Most people have not had a need to do that (she isn't pushy for attention, doesn't get on furniture, is quiet, doesn't chew things, pretty much stays unobtrusive and doesn't beg at tables or the like). My husband would do that--put her up. I have closed her up in another room for peace of mind of service people (for short periods of time). Most people do not seem to find her to be an issue.

However, my parents do NOT allow inside pets. Period. Never have. We took her to their house with us during a hurricane evacuation, and they refused to allow her inside at all. Not even in the basement. She was allowed in the garage only. Ok. Not what makes sense to me. But it's their house, not mine. We did not leave her unattended except for meals. Did it ruffle some feathers that one of us was always in the garage or outside and not participating in whatever everyone else was doing? Or that we didn't lounge around inside the house chatting, but sat outside for that instead? Maybe. But, it was emotionally upsetting to our elderly dog in the circumstances to start with, and tying her up to a tree or something would have only made things worse. We left as soon as we were able to return home. We had made plans to go up for Thanksgiving, but since husband was able to get off work and join us, we then needed to find boarding services or a pet sitter for our dog. Decided not worth it for the hassle, and are staying home instead. Parents are disappointed. That's the way it goes.

They don't mind her when they visit here. She is a good dog, and they like her. My dad even had wanted a dog for several years, but my mom didn't, so they don't have one. But we respect that my house is MY house, and their house is THEIR house.

If one doesn't like the arrangement, they don't have to visit. You find ways to compromise if you still want to see each other.

All of that said, your parents and sibling(s?) are being unreasonable. It doesn't matter that they are or are not "safe" for your kids even. You do not bring uninvited guests to someone's home. Period.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. My (child-free) sister who 100% adores her dogs would never do this. I've been bitten, and well, she gets that her dogs may be "her babies" but they are NOT babies, and she's wonderfully cautious and responsible about having any of them meet my kids. The next time you invite them over, maybe you can tell your sister and Mom something like, "I know your dogs are your babies, but MY babies are my babies, and I have to put their safety first. I'd love to have you over, but the dogs cannot come. If you decide that means you won't come, I'll be sad, but I'll understand." They can't say TRUTHFULLY that you are being selfish if you say up front that you'll respect their choice (and try not to let it show that it's not entirely true;)

You can't change their decisions or behaviors. You can only change your own. If they put their dogs over your requests or children, there is your answer. They are not welcome in your house unless they respect your rules. Period.

Welcome to mamapedia!!

How far is this family coming? If it's just a few miles? they can stay home.
If it's a few hours and they are staying the night? I would recommend a kennel for their pets.

If the dog growled because she had a treat in her mouth? The owner is NOT being a responsible pet owner. Ask her how she will feel should her dog bite her grandchild because she thought her treat was in jeopardy?

I'm a dog lover. However, I would respect the wishes of someone's house I am going to. They should too.

Your mother should certainly be able to leave her dog at home when she visits, especially if he's growling.

Maybe you can make a deal with your sister that you will occasionally allow the dogs, so that her boyfriend can come along.

You don't say in what way the dogs are "a lot of work," so it's hard to say if you should ban the dogs entirely. But I personally find it annoying when people think they should be able to bring their dogs everywhere they go, so I'm with you.

But some compromise should be fine.

let them bring the dog. but don't let them bring the dog in the house.. supply them with tie outs and outdoor waterbowls and shelter. but be firm with the no dogs in the house. if they are offended they are the rude ones. its your hous, its your rules. not every one is a dog lover, and your youngsters may be allergic and you just don't know it yet.. ifyou don't want dogs in your house you are not rude. and yes its perfectly reasonable to ask someone to leave "fido" home. we have 2 dogs, they stay home. my brother has 2 dogs, when they come they kennel the dogs (to stay overnight here)

(we did bring our dog places when she was a puppy... but her paws never touched the floor of someone elses home unless they brought it up and said it was ok... we held her, we took turns being outside with her on her leash, and we toook turnes monitoring her while she slept in her kennel in the car. but never expected the homeowners to have a dog in their house)

You have two feet. Put one down.
"Mom, Sis, you are welcome to visit any time, but the dogs are NOT. Period. End of sentence."
They put their dogs at a higher priority than your kids. That is their prerogative, but you do not have to allow it in YOUR house.
YOU have to put your kids' safety before your family's butt-hurt feelings.

Tell them you want to visit with them without worrying what the kids might do to the dogs. They would have to be supervised at all times and you would like to relax and visit...and probably will be busy hosting. I can't imagine bringing my dog if they haven't been invited for that specific visit. Maybe set up a couple of times when they bring their dogs, when you are able to watch them like a hawk and teach the kids and dogs how to act around each other. Of course you can't be expected to be entertaining during that time, just dog/kid training.

Updated

Tell them you want to visit with them without worrying what the kids might do to the dogs. They would have to be supervised at all times and you would like to relax and visit...and probably will be busy hosting. I can't imagine bringing my dog if they haven't been invited for that specific visit. Maybe set up a couple of times when they bring their dogs, when you are able to watch them like a hawk and teach the kids and dogs how to act around each other. Of course you can't be expected to be entertaining during that time, just dog/kid training.