How to Cope with Divorce

One day at a time. Find family, friends and some other support group. Take care of yourself and BE SELFISH! Take an extra 20 minutes at the gym, read a good book, get a massage, have extra whipped cream on your coffee. Do NOT resort to harmful behaviors to make yourself feel better. (alcohol, over eating, sleeping around, drugs, starving yourself) Allow yourself to grieve the relationship, to realize the dream you had when you said "I DO" is gone. Talk it out and cry it out. You just have to get out of bed, take a breath and jump in.

J.
(6 1/2 years since my divorce)

A friend of mine who is going through a divorce is seeing a Life Coach who specializes in the process of transition through a divorce. Life Coaching is a very positive, forward-looking alternative to traditional counseling, which can be stuck in rehashing the past. If you are interested in this, I will be glad to get the person's name and contact information for you. I believe this person is located in MN, but most coaching can be done over the phone. Otherwise, I would suggest searching "google" for a life coach in your city.

A divorce is a loss that needs to be grieved. Don't feel that you need to "get over" this quickly or that feelings of loss, grief, or depression need to be "fixed". Give yourself time to process this as you would a death of someone important to you. (I've been divorced twice, and even though both were my choice, I did grieve, before, during, and after.)

if you belong to a church you could join there support group for people that are divorced or if they have it in your area you could join parents without partners

K.,
I can empathize w/ your pain, Been there done that 16 yrs, ago, w/ 2 children a toddler and a 4 yr. old. I kicked him out and filed for divorce! I felt the same as you. One morning I woke up w/ this statement going through my head, and it turned my whole attitude around! "STOP BEING A VICTIM", are the miracle words that started me on the way to healing, and most of all forgiveness of my ex. . Really think about those words. When you are a "VICTIM", he has all the power! Believe me you will heal!

I happily re-married 12 yrs. ago., .
Good Luck and life does go on!

Sincerely,
L.

divorce is just like a death-you need to go thru the grief process-ill never forget my divorce 26 yrs ago-although it was the best thing for all involved-it was extremly hard to go thru-just take it day by day-and in the process rebuild your life.good luck

I have been through two divorces; the first was my choice, and the best thing I ever did, and the second was not my choice, and was very h*** o* me. After my first divorce I threw a party and celebrated when it was final. After my second one I took a few weeks and focused on me. I spent time with my friends and family, pampered myself, and took up an old hobby that I hadn't done in years. During the separation I had to get used to being alone. My kids were with their dad half the time and I was home alone for extended periods of time for the first time since I became an adult. It was a big time of adjustment for me and I had to re-learn who I was without my kids and without my husband. It was hard for me, but in the end, it made me stronger and really helped me figure out who I was and what I wanted. I was in counciling once a week with a woman I completely trusted and that was a huge help for me!

As all the other women have said, time heals even the most painful wounds. No one wants to hear that, but really, it's the truth. The more you focus on being true to yourself, and keeping busy with positive things, the faster you will heal. Drinking, sleeping around, drugs, or being a bump on the log al the time, will only slow the process of healing. Get in a routine, do things for yourself, and focus on your loved ones, and things WILL get better! I'd wish you luck, but you don't need it; you just need to be the woman you are, and things will start looking up!

It's normal to grieve the end of a marriage, even if it was bad. You will start to feel better day by day. Make sure you have time with your friends and family, and do not shut yourself out to the world. Take an inventory of yourself and maybe take up a hobby or class. Your feelings are normal! There are also post-divorce groups that you may want to check out, where you can meet new friends and talk about feelings you have in common. It is an end to one part of your life, but don't forget it's also the beginning of a new one.

Hi K., I have recently went through a divorce myself. It has been almost 3 years since we separated and almost 2 years since my divorce was final. What you are feeling is completely "normal". I felt the exact same way. Like I was in constant mourning and that there had been a death in my family. In actuality there was a "death" in your life-your marriage. I was told as well by many of my family and friends who had gone through divorces themselves that the only thing that would make me feel better in the long run was "time" and that is the last thing you want to hear because that doesn't fix how you are feeling "now". But honestly, time is really the only thing that will heal your broken heart. For me almost 3 years into it, "time" really was the only thing that healed me. It wasn't until about a year ago that I actually learned to accept the fact that I was divorced and that I could close that chapter of my life and try to move forward. Now I am completely at peace with my situation. I have done my "mourning" and look forward to moving on and being happy again in my life. That day will come for you-I promise. Just try to keep yourself busy and spend time with those you love and can give you the support you need. In a year or two you will feel completely different than the way you do now. Good luck to you dear! Keep your chin up. Every day will bring you a little more closure and happiness in your life!

I don't know if it will help any, but about a year after my Dad died, I ended up divorced. My mother was still grieving and, of course, so was I. Someone said to me one day, The only thing different between death and divorce is that at least with death, you know where they are." I decided then that I didn't have it as bad as my Mom. As the saying goes, "I pulled up my bootstraps and proceeded on with my life". I ended up finding a very wonderful man about three years later and we have been together ever since. Divorce is not easy, it takes time to get over, but do not dwell, get busy and make your life what you want it to be. You have no one else to tell you what and when you can't do. Good luck and may God bless you.

All I can say is that with time, it will get better. Take some time for yourself, if you can, and do whatever you need to and take care of you. Whether that's staying in bed all day crying, or calling your girlfriends for a night out, or writing all your feelings in a journal or whatever. I don't know what your situation is, or how long you've been separated, but the best thing you can do is get some kind of routine going for yourself. Otherwise, I tended to just wander around not knowing what to do with myself, especially the days my ex had my son.

It will take time for you to get to a better place. You're mourning the death of a dream, and in it's own way, it's just as hard as an actual death. As cliche as it is, time really does help. Good luck to you, and try to take care of yourself.

K., I feel for your loss. I was divorced many years ago and it took a long time to feel like myself again. I agree with others who posted that time will make it better. It took me about three years! I can say that after I got used to being "alone" I really started to like it. I still missed companionship and intimacy (not necessarily sex, but hated going to bed alone), but I really enjoyed having time to myself, being able to pursue personal activities and charity work, and feeling like a real adult! I began to realize over time that I was the adult in my first marriage, not my ex. He had been controlling and argumentative. It took awhile for me to realize that I was still a good person, a good mother, a hard worker, etc. Divorce feels like failure. If there is some sort of support group in your area for single/divorced people, that might be helpful. Try to seek out others, get involved in community activities, take a class at your local college, maybe an exercise class. My father encouraged me to pray on a daily basis and that also helped. Eighteen years later I am happily married for the second time and I actually thank God for the "bad" experiences, because they have made me stronger. I hope and pray that each day will make you stronger, and that you will love yourself for the beautiful person you are!

The other Mamas are right about time. I am in my 2nd year after separation and there are still things to work out, but I have come a long way. I think the main thing is to ACCEPT that you are going to feel lost/confused/sad for some time. If you do that then you have climbed the first step toward recovering. Because YOU WILL recover, that's a certainty. I bet during this time you'll find yourself stronger, more beautiful inside and out. You will meet new people and they'll project a great image of you. The change that comes with divorce is painful but very often makes you more resourceful, flexible, openminded. When the ground under your feet starts to tremble, we have that instinct that makes us so much more willing to hang on! And there's nobody else more worthy than ourselves (and our children) when we look for something to hold on to. Embrace your humanity, accept your feelings...life is made in cycles and if you are old enough you know that after a rainstorm there's always a rainbow. It can't rain forever.