How to Correct Bad Behaviors

I think that Karen's idea of the marbles sounds really good. I have heard of doing this with poker chips. I'm thinking they might be better than marbles because if your children are really out of hand, they might throw the marbles!

One suggestion I would have with this idea is to limit the behaviors at first. Don't try to change every bad behavior and reward every good behavior at once. Choose maybe two bad behaviors and start with those. You could even try to talk with the kids to decide which behaviors they want to work on first.

Over the years with both hyperactive children of my own, and a class of "special" seventh and eighth graders I have had a lot of success with the idea of points and prizes. I think simplicity is the key. For instance, with my class, I gave points for very simple behaviors: Be in your seat when the bell rings, feet on the floor, with sharpened unbroken pencil, notebook and leisure reading book. The points accumulated were used in an auction for small prizes and rewards. When "my kids" went on to high school, I was told that they had never seen problem kids come in ready to learn as these kids were! At home, every day after they left for school, my kids got points for dirty clothes in hamper, dresser drawers closed, quilt neat on bed. After they got a certain number of points, they were allowed to purchase a book from the bookstore and had a name plate with their name in it in the book. Consequently, as the mother of seven, I was faced with less mess, and my children all became readers. But I think one of the reasons for success with these plans was simplicity. After a set of habits is well ingrained, you can then add a couple of others.

I'm also thinking back to my daughter who had two young children, was very hyper herself, and had an easily triggered temper. She would call me in the middle of episodes, and I would just get her to sit down, breathe deeply, and count to ten. Sometimes everyone just needed a snack. Getting some calm into the situation was very helpful. I would suggest making a list of your "triggers" and teaching yourself a calming response to them, so they don't escalate. I have an employee who is a problem, and I have learned to reply to each of her complaints and demands with a soothing "Thank you for telling me." I repeat this over and over. Yes, for legitimate complaints I then try to solve the problem, but I find that almost chanting this mantra gets her calmed down, it doesn't trigger an escalation, and it keeps me from getting involved in an argument. You could use something similar with your children's whining and arguments.

S. Toji

L.,
I know that times can be hard especially with 3 little ones. I understand that short fuse and have almost gotten past it. I have decided to look at things in a different way. First part of it is seeing that you do not overreact to a situation. Evaluate it to see if it will matter in the long term or short term. Some things that happen are just inconveniences. If something spills, breaks or whatever the case may be, take a moment, ask who ever made the mess to come help you clean it up. That is part of them taking responsibility.
Also, good communication will come if the mother is calm. If you have to take a moment to yourself before you react to something do it. Ask them questions. Quietly think to yourself before exploding on them. Try to remember is this the end of the world or can it be fixed.
Children are going to fight, but you can find positive outlets for them also that helps them share, enjoy each other, and communicate. Games are good for this. Outdoor games are really the best. Throwing the ball to each other, collecting things (ie., leaves, rocks, sticks), setting a time to spend with each individual child is good too. Talk to them about needing to read to one while the other two play together and soon it will be their turn. There are many different paths to take. When the fighting begins, no matter who is at fault, everyone gets in trouble. They really don't like that one. We had to use it on my children who are 5 1/2 years apart (and yes they do not get along at all, close in age, far in age, it's all the same). We just said if one of you tattles, then both are sitting in the corner, timeout, or whatever you may decide. They learn quickly that this is not fun.
I hope some of this is helpful. There are many books out there, and I believe that Jo Frost (The Supernanny) has written some books that may be really helpful.
Lastly, your husband doesn't get to use the tired card. He does need to step up to the plate, he had a hand in creating these children, he needs to help raise them too. Help him to understand that spanking is only temporary and that communication is forever.
~~D.

Okay first OMG – Kudos for you for being able to write a complete sentence! 3 boys? Twins? Under the age of 5 BLESS YOU WOMAN!

L., first and foremost, you are the parent, you set the guidelines. Parenting your children is far more effective then disciplining (if you are using the term as something negative) the term discipline really means - a system of rules of conduct or method of practice - so PRACTICE being the parent you want around your child. If they are doing something you don't like tell them what you DO like. You are the guide, the role model, the final decision.

It is very simple. It may not be easy, but it is simple. You state in a very clear tone, "we do not do that in our family. Are you part of this family? Fine then we don't do that (whatever the behaviour is). If you want something, need something are upset about something we discuss it, we don't (whine, be disrespectful whatever the behaviour) in this family. So in this family we discuss what we want. Are you part of this family? Great, then let's discuss it. Do you need a minute to think about what you want to say? (Give him the opportunity to calm down and formulate his thoughts)"

Be firm, but not mean. Be straight, no guesswork on his part. There are no consequences, just facts. In this family we do this, and this is what we don't do. Fact. No story, no explanation, no variations. You MUST have your husband on board.

The other day we were at a friends place visiting. I told both my daughters we needed to leave by 6:30 to get home in time for my conference call at 7 PM. I said: We will say our good byes at 6:20 and be in the car, backing out of the driveway before 6:30. Tonight I have a conference call and we will be home in time, alright? Everyone agreed. At 6:10 I reminded them we had to leave in 10 mins. My daughter's friend said, "Can Taylor Rae stay and play longer and my mom will drive her home?" Taylor Rae answered and said, "nope, we can't". I didn't have to say anything. It was already decided earlier.

Some might argue for negotiation skills...seizing the opportunity, but you know what, there are some non negotiables. Brushing their teeth is a non negotiable, drinking their nutritional shake in the AM is a non negotiable, getting in the car so that I was on time for my team call...a non negotiable. They know the rules, they know their boundaries and we never have or will have the whining, the disrespect etc.

As for your “short fuse and temper” that is easily fixed. What are you doing for you? What are you doing to recharge you? Your mood is a reflection of what is going on inside. Remind yourself that you get to choose your attitude. Your get to choose your mood. You are in control. If you choose to be miserable and have a bad attitude, then you must know that it will affect your family. Around here it is very evident…if mommy isn’t happy NO ONE is happy…so it is my job to be happy. And for along time I wasn’t. But that is behind me because I made a decision. I was going to be the best mom and wife possible. I got on an amazing nutrition program and BOOM everything changed. My moods changed, I had the patience of a saint and I am earning an income from it.

L., if you don't teach them daily...yes daily...things will not change. AND you have to treat yourself daily.

And if you think they don’t need to be reminded daily, just take a drive and count how many speed limit signs there are on the road, how many stop signs there are...how many traffic lights there are. We all need constant reminders of the behaviour that is appropriate to our leading healthy productive lives.

Does this help?

B.
Family Success Coach

Congratulations on your house! Congratulations on wanting a happier family! :)

Now, take a deep breath. Do it again. I hear you feeling like a failure. YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE. There is no such thing as a perfect family, perfect housekeeping, or perfect anything. You are probably feeling stressed out by the holidays right now, when you're already exhausted from fighting the same battles over and over. You want the picture perfect Christmas in your new house, where everything is sparkling clean and everyone is happy and grateful and co-operative. That's totally understandable! But honey, it's not going to happen. That's NOT because you're a bad parent, it's NOT because your kids are defiant, it's because life is messy and not perfect and aggravating, no matter WHO or WHERE you are.

One thing I learned early in my parenting career (I have 4 kids, ages 23, 22, 15 and 11) is that you can do EVERYTHING right, and things will still go wrong. If you can, find some John Rosemond newspaper columns online to read, or find one of the books he's written. He's very no nonsense, and I like that. Anyway, we all tend to belive that dealing with children, or any other people, is a simple math equation. "I do the right things = my kids do the right things." It doesn't work like that. Your kids have the ability to choose in any given situation, and they can, and will, choose to break the rules even if you are being clear, calm, reasonable and right. (The same goes for your husband.) You cannot change other people's behavior, no matter who you are.

So, change your thinking. Your goal should be to do the right thing, even if your kids still act up. Set a rule, and act on it. Tell the kids, for instance, "If you act up at the table, you will be done eating until the next meal. No snacks." If someone throws food on the floor, mealtime for that child is over. Period. No explaining, no lecturing, just, "You're done. Breakfast is at 7 tomorrow." The kids will scream, cry, tell you they hate you, tell you they're starving, tell you that you're a bad mom. DON'T LISTEN. Don't explain. Just stick to the rule, EVERY time. They can, and will, occasionally CHOOSE to do the wrong thing, but don't let that control your behavior. You do the right thing, even if they don't.

Take away a privilege for actions like hitting each other. It may take you a long time to find out which privileges to take away so that the kids will actually want to change. For one child it might be TV time; for another it might be a favorite toy. Some kids don't seem to care, no matter what you do. I had one of those kids, and I tell you, it's WORK dealing with that attitude! Now that she's an adult, I can see the delightful adult she will be for the rest of her life, and that was the goal all along! I can also see, though, how different her adult life would be if we had always given in to her tantrums, or if we had just allowed everything to turn into a screaming match between us. I'm glad we have the adult we have! That gives me more patience when dealing with the younger kids, because I know that every stage eventually passes, and the kids do actually hear what you say, even when they ignore you.

Let me tell you what your husband might be feeling, too. He probably does what most men do, and shuts down when he feels overwhelmed. He doesn't do the active work of parenting because he doesn't know what to do. Men are used to simple, mechanical fixes - if a part breaks, get a new part. Behavior type problems baffle them, because there's no simple, quick solution. So, he falls back on truly the only thing he can think of, spanking. In his mind, the equation looks something like, "Misbehaving kids get spenked + they don't like spankings = kids will behave." As you know, it doesn't work that way. So, your husband is even more confused, so he shuts down even more. He feels like nothing he does is good enough for you, or effective on the kids, so it feels safer to do nothing than to do something and fail.

When you ask him to help, give him very specific jobs. Start small, with things like making breakfast or reminding the kids to say "please." Then get bigger by saying things like, "I told Jimmy to pick up the toys in the living room by the time the timer goes off. If he doesn't, he goes to his room for the rest of the evening. Can you watch him while I do the laundry?" It will sometimes feel like you have an extra child - all wives feel that way, sometimes. :) But men need a set of directions to follow at any job, including being a parent.

DON'T GIVE UP WHEN EVERYONE HAS A BAD DAY! DON'T DECIDE YOU'RE A FAILURE ON DAYS WITH YELLING AND TEARS. This job will take most of your lifetime, so things won't be accomplished quickly. Just hang in there, practice the things you learned in class like counting to 10, and make sure to praise the kids AND YOURSELF when things go right! Appeciate even tiny improvement. Hang in there, Mama! It's worth it!

It sounds like you have a lot on your hands and I really hope that your plan of new house, new beginnings comes true. I have a few thoughts...

1. Get your husband on board. I assume you are also busy and tired, but you still make time to be a parent and he needs to do the same, especially when you are in so much need of his support

2. Stop spanking, since it isn't working anyway and may be leading to more aggression

3. Start to focus on their good behavior. Come up with a system like many schools have, where they are rewarded for good behavior and "punished" for bad behavior. When my friend's children were 2, 3 and 4, she came up with a system that really worked. Each kid was given a fancy treasure box (bought fairly cheap at Michaels) and she got a bunch of marbles. There was a list of good behaviors and a list of bad behaviors. Do something good - get a marble. Do something bad - lose a marble. When they got up to 25 marbles, they got to pick a prize, mostly stuff she'd found in the dollar bin at Target or the 99 cent store. Or, the prize could be something like watching a movie on DVD, an ice cream cone, etc. It actually worked really well. Not only did they want to earn marbles, but they wanted to earn them faster than their siblings, so they really started behaving.

4. Try talking to your kids when they aren't misbehaving. When they are happy and playing nicely might be a great time to talk about your new house and new beginnings. Explain how much happier you can all be if they stop tattling and defying you. Playing rough with each other will be harder to stop, as it is the nature of little boys. But explain why you have rules and why they need to follow them and maybe if you do this when they're being cooperative, they will listen.

Good luck!
K.
http://oc.citymommy.com

I strongly recommend Jo Frost's book, or even her T.V show ("Supernanny"). Watch a few episodes of her show and you will see that if you PROPERLY use all of her techniques (that apply to your home), they work 100% of the time. Good luck!

I have a strong willed little girl, so I feel where you are coming from. Sometimes, it is better for mommy to have a time out than the kids... =) My mother suggested really looking at what was going on and deciding if it was really bad, or if you can ignore it. If it is a danger to health and property, straight to time out for as many minutes as they are old. I set the timer on my microwave and if she is still crying when it goes off I leave her there, but she usually stops when it goes off.
Sometimes I have to stop and take a minute and say, 'How Should I deal with this?' sometimes I have to sit,when I am calmer, and think, over how I did handle it, and decide wheither it worked well or if I hate myself for reacting like that. The I decide how I will react the next time. It seems to help at least half the time. Also, sit down and ask yourself what you expect from them and if they are meeting those expectations, or if you are expecting something beyond them. They are 5 and 4, so they should be able to do most everything you want and need them to do.
You may also need to track the problems for a couple of days and see if they happen at the same time each day. maybe they are getting hungry or tired?
Good luck!
R.

L.,
I didn't read your other responses, so I apoligize if this is repetitive. I saw that you have 3 kids close in age, I have 4yo twin girls, and a 2 1/2 year old boy. We also just moved. Having 3 kids in less then 2 years is TIRING! I think it leads to the short fuse. A new house is the perfect time for new rules. Set the boys down and tell them. We made a poster of all the new rules, and I have had to become more consistant with punishing. I was one to yell, now I get up and either speak to them or put them on time out. I have seen improvments. Hope this helps.

Have you heard of the Center for Non-Violent Parenting? They have some amazing classes. My husband and I are going to check it out. The next ones start this Saturday. They have a sliding scale so you pay what you can, and they provide free childcare. I've heard these classes are really changing people's lives.

Best and hang in there! It's good that you're reaching out for help.

Hi L.,

It sounds like you guys really need some help. I do private parent coaching and would be happy to help out with your family if you are interested.

In short, spanking your children is not only disrespectful to them, it also perpetuates the power struggle in which you currently find yourself. You say that you don't want your children to be "rough with each other" and you clearly want them to show more respect. However, you are modeling for them the exact behavior you do NOT want. With a "short fuse", a "high temper" and spankings, how can you expect them to be anything but defiant, highly sensitive and hyper?

Again, I would be happy to help. There is a better way. But it does require a commitment to change and a willingness to do the work. Let me know if you're interested.

Be well,
G. B., M.A.
Child Development Specialist & Parent Educator
www.GilaBrown.com

MAGIC 123.... it's an incredible program and it's simple... check it out. It might be available at the local library, if not then try and google it. Every friend of mine who has tried it says it's changed their lives!!!!!
ALso, have a family meeting and ask everyone to contribute to a list of new rules for the new house. If the kids feel like they've contributed to the guidelines, they're more likely to remember them. Then take the list of rules you've come up with and paint it on a big sign that you hang in a very noticeable part of the house. ALthough your kids may not read yet, seeing the sign will remind them.

I wish there was more that I could add but I need to learn from your question and others responses as much as you do. I can totally relate to the temper flaring up and myself getting out of control. In my situation I figured out the biggest cause of the loss of control and eliminated the problem. I guess what I really want to say to you is that you are not alone. I was so greatful when I read your question that I had to tell you :)

Congratulations on the new house. I would be willing to bet that if it's bigger than where you are now things will go a lot smoother!

You hit the nail on the head when you said "my short fuse and high temper".....kids learn what they see and experiance more than what you tell them. First thing I would suggest is to shift your perception - you say the kids won't allow you to demonstrate - what I hear you saying is that you try to use the techniques you were taught but the kids push your buttons and light your short fuse before the lessons are learned.

So here is my council....don't try to change the kids behavior until you can change yours. Take a deep breath and recognize that you are the one with the power over your own reactions. When you demonstrate calm the kids will eventurally burn themselves out, wind down and be able to listen. Put you big plans aside for a while and make a few little plans; just for today I will hold my temper, just for today I will speak in a soft tone that will require the kids to listen attentively....whatever "just" works for you.

Believe me - I do NOT judge you...my temper caused me a lot of problems initially too!

Many people have already written so much that I'll keep my answer short, these are just my first-hand reactions:

About Daddy: He MUST be involved. He's a parent. Don't let him shirk his part of this.

About spanking: How do you teach that hitting is wrong when you hit your child?

Let go of those BIG PLANS for now. You're overwhelmed. Take care of what you can, day by day. The bigger stuff will - WILL - fall into place once your head is on straight.

"my children don't or won't allow me to demonstrate": YOU are the Parent. YOU are in charge; not them (however much to the contrary it seems :>)

I don't mean for this to sound angry or commanding; I just want to keep my answers short. As you should with your children; kids this age don't understand long answers. I'm a friend of Nanny Deb from Nanny 911 and I'm re-reading her book; I think the info there will help you with each of these issues. It's straightforward, common-sense advice, and it's not a "program" - it's just good parenting. I have a tempestuous 3 yo and her info works.

Good luck with this - I know you have a lot on your plate but take just a little at a time and you will get through it.

Hello, My husband and I had custody of our now 10 year old grandson when he was 5 months to 3 1/2. He was so full of rage during the visits of his parents and would continue throughout the week. He would bite, kick, hit throw things and draw blood on me or anyone he would be near. With much patience and consistency, he became calmer. When the time came to transition him back to his parents, he became so angry that all of his old behaviors returned. At age three, we took him to a counselor to seek help in working him through this tough time. The counselors advice was to catch him at the beginning of his outbursts and put him into his bedroom. I had to hold the door closed while he let out his rage. As soon as he would be calm, I would open the door, take his little hand and say, "Okay, let's try again." I do have to say that there were times when I had to go into the bathroom for my own "time-out" just to collect my thoughts and patience. :-) No anger, no drama, just a "time-out" until he was ready to join us calmly. He is a wonderful sweet boy and I am very proud to have had the chance to have him in our lives. He knows that his grandpa and I love him and are here for him.
It is very important that you and your husband be on the same page. Spanking is not going to solve your problems. I am not saying that in the old days we never spanked our children. However, it just makes them more angry.
Good luck with your precious family.
K. K.

I think the best way to stop bad behavior is by reinforcing good behavior. Make a positive behavior chart for each of your kids. You can either list all the good behaviors on it or just have a calendar. Your kids will get a check mark or sticker for each good behavior they do or for each day they don't have any bad behavior. After 10 stickers they get a treat. I guarantee the 3 boys will make it into a competition to see who can get the most stickers (my son makes everything into a competition). They'll behave better and you'll be calmer. After a few weeks of this, the good behavior should start to become habit. And give your husband a big kick in the butt and get him involved. Kids behave badly to get attention and it seems like they need some attention from Dad.

Good luck! Hope this helps!