How to Get My 9 Year Old Son Out of My Bed?

My aunt had a similar problem with her son (although he was 6 when she went through it). She found that each night he stayed out of bed, she'd chart it on a chart. When he reached a certain number of times he's stayed out of bed, he was rewarded with a prize of his choice (determined at the beginning of the chart). My aunt found this worked very quickly and the habit was broken within a few weeks.

You may be at fault for him wanting to sleep with you in the first place, but you did NOT ask for this. I mean, come on. You did what you had to do when he was a baby, and it's not that big of a deal. Now breaking him of it is another story. ;-)

I just about have to force my kids to sleep in their own bed. In one sense, you're family is right...you baby him too much and let him get away with it. But it's easier said than done to make him stop sleeping in your bed! At 9, he might be old enough to understand if you explain why it's time for him to sleep in his own bed. Just keep repeating the reasons why and keep taking him back to his own room. I've heard, when kids keep getting out of bed, you're supposed to take them by the hand and explain why you're taking them back the first time. Then after that, you just lead them back to bed and don't say a WORD. I'm not sure why that's supposed to work, but "they" say it does, so there's a suggestion. I hope he transitions easily for you. I'll pray that he does, anyway. LOL

xo,

AJ

PS-just because you're home all day DOESN'T mean you don't work! NEVER think that you aren't working just because you're not making any money at what you do.

Wow, J., I have a feeling you are going to get slammed with replies.

You say you "have to" lay in his bed, but that is a choice you've made for 9 years now. I lean towards attachment parenting when children are small, but imo, you're doing him no favor by keeping him so dependent on you. I have a feeling others may not put it so nicely. In fact, I know people who've had CPS called on them because of attachment parenting with older children. Like it or not, in our society, sleeping with (and I mean *sleeping* - I'm not making the suggestion that anything else is going on) older children is frowned upon. That's not a criticism - just an observation from afar.

Unless he has some sort of developmental delay, at 9 yrs old, seems like he should easily understand he's old enough to go to sleep on his own and to stay there. Do you live in a place large enough that he has his own bed? You can allow him to pick out new bedding if you like, or give him a special stuffed animal to sleep with, but putting his development first in mind and being consistent with insisting that he sleep by himself will mostly likely remedy the problem.

It already seems to be affecting your relationship with your fiance. I know as a single mom, we get very attached to our children and we want to make up for any lack we feel, but to me, to give your son the responsibility and independence he can have at 9 yrs old is to do him a favor. It will also give you the freedom to focus on your own needs- that of a good night's sleep and a close relationship with your fiance.

Stay strong, congrats on letting your little boy grow up, and good luck!

Hey, J.! I know you will get many different replies on this and they will be in a range of different responses like you should NEVER have done that or allowed it to go on as long as it has and stuff like that to make YOU feel bad. So I just wanted to tell you a little about us. We have 3 children 10, 8, 4. My kids LOVE to sleep with us in our bed. My husband's work schedule is such that he goes to bed usually much earlier than I do (around the time the kids go to bed) and each night is a rotation of "who sleeps with dad". My husband's response to this is that they are only young once and soon our 10 year old will be off to college and as long as she is willing to spend some one on one time with him, he is taking advantage of it. When I go to bed, I then move that child into their own bed, but more times than not, one child will make his or her way to our room during the night and join us. When I want to spend time with my husband, then the kids know that Momma takes precedence and the rotation is on hold until the next night. They are only young once and the young years don't last very long compared to the rest of their lives. Enjoy your son. I don't know what kind of sickness he had when he was younger, but the Lord could have taken him home, but He left your son with you to care for longer. Your son will be off to college in 9 years. Enjoy him!

Explain to him that big kids sleep in their own bed. Put on some soft music or a fan or something to block out strange noises. Leave a night light on. Sit by his bed for a few minutes. Each night move a little closet towrd the door until you are out of his room. You also need to lock your own bedroom door at night. If he knocks on the door, escort him back to his room. Good luck.

My son is 9 also and I am a single parent so I understand you when you say he is all you have. I also understand about him going everywhere you go...bathroom included :). It is VERY hard to send them to their room but you have to 1. tell him that on a certain day, he will no longer be able to sleep in your bed. That gives him time(not too much-a week tops)to grasp the idea. 2. build it up, let him know that 9 yr olds are big boys and they sleep in their own room and he doesn't want his friend to know he sleeps with mommy. Start having sleep overs with his friends, that helps too. 3. he will still ask you just CANNOT give in and you can go lay with him but when he's relaxed in his bed,just before he goes to sleep tell him goodnight and leave. Don't sneak out after he's sleep. Soon it will be no problem and you can sleep peacefully in your own bed--by-your-self! (although you may find yourself going to sleep in his room b/c you will miss him...but that comes later. Good Luck.

i like what brenda c. has to say-- she sounds like the most compassionate!
though you did ask how to get your ds out of your bed, so i'm not going to try to talk you into keeping him there. i will say that i don't see a thing wrong with children sleeping with parents for as long as they like. he won't be sleeping with you in his teens, i bet. but for now, remember that he is still a little boy, even though he looks so much older than he was. and he still obviously needs comfort at night. it's so fleeting.
that said, i go for the smooth transition, not for the abrupt. maybe he can sleep with you just on weekends for awhile? or whichever two days your fiance isn't there, or something. i let my 7yo sleep with me on weekends, but on school nights, we sleep apart.

good luck, mama. it's so hard to be an attached family in our society. it's too bad, too.
anyway, i'm sure you'll find a solution that is not too h*** o* any of you.

My dad went through A LOT of hurt and pain when his parents divorced and it took him years to recover. But as he was number 2 of 6 kids, he was forced to become independent very fast.

Your son has the advantage of having a mom who can give him tons of extra love and support that he needs. However, it seems this separation has still affected him enough that he still seems like he needs more affirmation of your love for him. He likes knowing that you aren't going to leave him. I think in addition to some of the other responses, tackling his security issues and confidence will help in getting him to sleep on his own as well.

I think your family may be right... just because you were single doesn't mean he should take the place of a friend/comfort, he's a kid. I don't know about 9 year olds sleeping in bed with their Mom and some random guy who's not related to him. That sounds a bit odd. Have you tried telling him NO?

First of all you are right; it is your fault. Children adhere to the environment around them and you have allowed your 9 year old to continue to act like a baby to soothe your own needs. I too had a very sick child and I know how easy it is to spoil them to ease our own needs. Mine was spoiled also to many things. But sleeping with momma at 9 years old is not acceptable. How long do you think your new engagement will last if you are catering to every whim of your nine year old. You need to sit down and have a talk with your son. Explain to him the circumstances of the change with your fiance' being in the picture now. You need to let your son know that in no means will the new relationship change the closeness you too share. You have to instill in your son that he is growing up and needs to act like the other children his age. I am sure your son is the sweetest son ever but you will be doing him a great disservice if you continue to let the baby come out in a 9 year old boy. Best wishes with your fiance' and son.

Hi, I so understand how you feel and what you're going through!! I just had to break my 3 year old daughter from co-sleeping and it actually worked really well. The best part is that she doesn't feel rejected or hate me and we're all sleeping better that ever!!
First you have start putting him to bed at a regular time every night, following a relaxing bedtime routine of shower/bath, reading and bonding. Tell him that it's time for him to sleep in his own room because he's a big boy and that all kids his age do. Once you kiss him goodnight, tell him that you'll check on him every 5 minutes. If he gets out of bed, tell him that it's time for bed and take hime back. Make sure not to engage in conversation when you do this and just keep walking him back to bed. You might have to do this for a few hours the first couple of nights, but it will get easier. When he falls asleep, go to bed because he will likely wake up and try again in the middle of the night. Make sure that when he does this, you take him back to his bed no matter how tired you are. It took us a few weeks and now Abby sleeps through the night and we're all very happy and rested. Good luck to you and if you need any more help feel free to ask!! K.

One book I read said that after they fall asleep you should lock the door to your bedroom so he has to knock and be let in but that it should not work every time that he gets to come into the bed. I'm sure that you and your finace' would like to have alone time that wont be interupted.

About Me: SAHM of 9mo boy married 6.5 years

Enjoy your time with your son - he will outgrow soon enough. My son slept with me quite a bit when he was younger (til about age 10) and he stopped on his own. There were times when I was sick that I walked him back to his room and which is what I would suggest you try. Having a "mommies boy" is a great thing, so enjoy his company and know that in a blink of an eye he will be off doing his own thing.

First-put a lock on your door! Then sit down with him and explain the facts of life to him without useing cute names and little stories. Use the truth and stop when he wants. Let him know you still love him but the love you and your fiance have is different and needs private time.
His sleeping with the two of you is goint to hurt the relationship all three of you are trying to build.
Good luck and God speed!

I completely understand the need to sleep with the child or allow the child to sleep close by when they have a severe illness--and even older than your son. Otherwise--how can WE sleep if we must be tending to them all night?

Now, however, you meet the child where they are at emotionally. He needs to be with you at night like a younger child? Then do as you would with a younger child who needs to learn to sleep in their own bed. You explain the rule. You explain he has water and a nightlight, his teddy and whatever other comfort he needs.

I had a comfy chair in my daughter's room that I could sit in and doze off in while she fell asleep. That way she didn't feel abandoned. This way it was not abrupt... it was a transition. I understand what happens after a long severe illness. Then I got up from that chair and went to sleep in my own bed. When she was sick, she would even sleep on the floor next to my bed if she could not get into bed with me (my husband really really needed his sleep).

Every time the child comes into your room, you remind the child of the rule. Short, brief. "The rule is you must sleep in your own room". Lead the child by the hand back to the child's own bed. With compassion but firmness. No anger, no frustration. But with clarity of purpose. Regardless of whether he cries or whines or pulls on your heartstrings.

You are absolutely right!! I too have a 9 yr. old son who used to sleep in my bed or come in the middle of the night to sleep with me and it was all my fault as well. He was diagnosed with Asthma at the age of 2 and would have Asthma attacks at night. I broke him from getting in my bed by 1st, investing in an humidifier so the air wouldn't be so dry at night, then I bought a monitor and placed it in his room out of sight from him. I then, bought a night light for him & I locked my bedroom door. After a month and a half of him trying to get into my bedroom but couldn't, he gave up and now sleeps in his own room.

Dear J.,

I agree totally with Anne B's response. At this late of an age, I would suggest you get some support.

1. Find a good book on the subject for several ideas, & also to understand the process that you are about to undertake.

2. Call his pediatrician for good sound advice to follow.

3. Don't give up when it possibly doesn't work for a long time or backfires. My novice guess is that it will take 4 - 6 wks of a roller coater ride.

4. Find an outside source, other than your fiance, to lean on while you go through this frustration.

Now, since I am short on "how to actually handle the situation", just remember to continue to show him daily how much you love him. Also think of things that make him feel more grown up. Reward yourself during this process. Maybe call your friends now to set up coffee, lunch, or evening dates. Schedule at least one friend a week for the next 4 - 6 wks.

You can also tell him that you are going to put Mommy in "Time Out" most nights when it is his bed time. Kiss him goodnight. Lock your bedroom door. Turn on some light music, light some candles, & take a long bath. You may look like a prune after 6 wks, but you will be better prepared to handle what may...

D. M. Focht

"Shaklee -Creating Healthier Lives & Environment"

click on: www.Shaklee.net/Focht
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J.,
I have the same problem, maybe we both can find an answer, good luck, Val

OK, so it may be your fault that he's still sleeping there, but you just need to get past that part and stop blaming yourself so you can come up with a solution. It sounds like you're just going to have to put your foot down. It don't know if there's any other way to do it. Sit your son down and explain to him exactly how it has to be from now on. He's a big boy, nearing 10 years old, and he simply cannot sleep with you anymore...period. Have you ever watched Super Nanny? Yes, it's just a TV show, but she actually has some really effective advice. When he comes out of his room, just put him back in there. If it happens 30 times in one night, just do it over and over and don't say a word to him. It sounds harsh, but he probably is a little old for this. Yes, he's only doing it because that's what he's used to, but he won't get used to anything else unless you make the decision for him. I doubt he'll do it on his own anytime soon.

At the age of nine I think you should talk to him and find out why he does this. It may be because he is used to being comforted by you at night. It may be something with the seperation of his parents. It may be typical kid issues and you are his strength. I guess what I'm saying is talk to him or have a counsler do it. Find out why so you can then discover how to get him in his own room all night.

If it keeps going on and his friends find out it could really be a problem socially for him.

Good Luck and please know caring for your child sick or not is one of the signs of an amazing mom.

Pick a day on the calender-a week from now, a month from now,whatever- and tell him, "okay on this day, no more sleeping with mom" and plan a "rite of passage" night. Maybe, take him to the store and let him pick out new bed covers. Redecorate his room. Really play up the fact that he's a little man now and deserves his own space. I think he will still try to come get in your bed, you will have to "tough-love" it (which is always harder for you than him) and tell him, go back to your bed. You also will have to stop laying down with him for him to go to sleep. I really think you know what to do, it's just really hard. I also know that when you've been through a traumatic event, it's harder to let go. But you gotta. He's not that sick baby anymore. You're soon to be not that single mom/woman anymore. It's time to let it go. Gosh! this sounds hard. I don't mean to be so harsh, but sometimes we all have to face reality. :) Me too! God bless you and give you strength. You can do all things because He gives you the courage to do so.