How to Handle or Move past Selfish, Clueless, Absentee Parents / Grandparents

I would continue to invite, even though you know they will not visit. This is about them and not you. When the kiddo ask about their grandparents, just answer honestly by saying you don't know why they don't come around. My boys didn't ask about one set of grandparents because their [GPs] actions spoke louder than words. They were blessed with my parents that spoiled them rotten. When my mom passed away they said at the funeral that their real Grandma died that hit my MIL like a ton of bricks who then passed a year later. My boys didn't miss what they didn't have.

Here are some positives:
1.She is treating your kids and your sister's kids about the same. One set does not seem to be getting preferred treatment.
2.She is not calling you for money (at least you do not mention this as an issue) and running herself into debt.
3. She is remarried so her real crazy side is being handled by her husband.
4. You are one of the few who looks forward to her in-laws (you are very lucky).

M.-

I recommend that you offer two standing invites to your mother, one that would afford her time with you alone, and one that would afford her time with your family. Make them invites to things that you would be doing anyway, that way you won't be inconvenienced by her attendance/ non attendance.

i.e. Mom you are welcome to join me for a manicure at judy's nails on the first saturday of the month, I have a standing appt at 1pm, let me know if you want me to schedule with Judy. Mom you are welcome to come by for Friday movie night at our house, the kids would love it. We have dinner at 6:00, baths and jammys a 7, and popcorn and the movie start at 8. Come any time before 9 and join in the fun.

You'll have taken the higher road. She can predict when she might see you and might surprise you one day by arranging her down time to make one of the slots you offered. Meanwhile, no skin off your back.

Best,
F. B.

I'm sorry. You're not alone. I have quite a few friends who have absent grandparents on one or both sides. It sucks! Your kids are amazing and you want to share them with the people you love. I would keep extending the invitation--that way you know you're doing all you can! It sounds like you have wonderful in-laws--thank goodness for that:) Also, I'm glad your parents treat all grandkids the same (even though it's not how you want them treated). I think it's so sad when grandparents play favorites! ((HUGS))

I could have written this myself. I am so sorry you are going through this...

I have learned to let go of ALL expectations. I don't expect anything from my mother, father or in-laws anymore. It really has helped me to cope with the disappointment.

We let them know if there is a birthday, holiday or event and it is on them to choose to come. I make sure I reach out once a month by phone,text or email. That is about it. If they reach out then I make the time to be available.

It hurts. Don't take their actions personally. They don't have much to give emotionally or don't know how to.

I look at my family members as very wounded individuals just trying to survive. I look at my parents and in-laws as peers...not my elders that should be around to support and nurture. This perspective really helps me.

I have an adoring husband and wonderful children. We have found friends and elderly people at church to fill the family void. My life is soooo full of wonderful people.

Does it make me sad that my extended family is broken and emotionally unavailable? Heck Yes!! But, I can't change them. I can't talk them into changing. I can't will them into changing. I go forward with positivity and fill my life with people who care.

Yes, my kids notice the absence of involvement and this is the hardest to deal with. Oh..it breaks my heart. But, I let them know their family members love them but sometimes people have a very hard time showing it.

Don't get sucked into your mother's drama. If she says that you spend a lot of time with your inlaws then you nicely say, "Well..we got invited over to their home. Or Well, they stopped by to see the kids. Nicely point out that it is your inlaws making the effort to be involved.

Again, I am so sorry you have this hole in your heart. It hurts to be rejected over and over again by those who should be loving you the most. Take a few moment to grieve the loss. Stomp, scream and hit a pillow. Then wash your face off and move forward with a new perspective. Don't wallow in it any longer or with your sister. Just forgive and move on knowing you are making YOUR own family different. YOU are breaking the cycle. There is an empowering feeling in that!!

Here's about as far as I would go with those family members. Plan a weekly get together, maybe even a set time, and invite them each week. Give a quick call each week to give them an update and an "I love you". Then the rest is up to them. If they show up, they show up. If they don't return calls, oh well. I have had similar things happen and I am finally setting boundaries so I'm not burdened with extra work that our retired parents can handle more easily. I'm talking about shopping for gifts and wrapping gifts and coming up with elaborate gift lists, etc. Those are things that can be done by the person giving the gift. If they don't want to do those things, it's no problem, no gift. If they choose to give you money, then pop it in your kids' account and save it for them to spend as they wish. Or save it for college. No need to add more shopping and planning to your list. As I get older I am realizing that I need to protect my time and choose my "favors" wisely. When you are a generous, family-first kind of person, that can be very challenging.

There is nothing you and your sister really can do. Your mom has made it clear that she is not interested in being a hands on grandparent. Your dad has less interest.

You are lucky that your inlaws love you. Find friends that will sub as grandparents for the lack of parents on your side and live with it. She is the one missing out. When your kids and your sister's kids are older they will find out the truth about grandma and grandpa and their lack of interest.

Don't beat yourself up anymore. Know that you can't change her and move on. It hurts but no need to keep hitting your head on a brick wall and continuing the headache.

We get several posts on here about the parent that are not interested or involved in the grandchildren. We also get grandparents that want to be involved and the child will not let the grandparents be involved.

Live your lives and know that you have done the best you could. If you want you can continue to invite mom knowing that she won't come. Don't set a plate for her at the dinner table either. Just know that you did what you could.

the other S.

Please stop feeling sorry for your kids. They don't know any different and they do have grandparents that spend time with them. Please grow up some yourself and stop expecting your mother who doesn't seem capable or desirous of helping you out to help you out. The moment you and your sister accept your mom for who she is and what she is willing to do instead of what you expect of her the better off you will be.

I think it is wonderful you have parents that can and will give you money to buy your kids exactly what they want or need for holidays and birthdays. Count your blessings or what you do have instead of focusing on what you don't.

On my father's side my grandfather only spent time with my and my sister once but he had easily over 30 grandchildren. My grandmother was blind so we had to visit with her because she never came over to our house. On my mother's side, my grandmother rarely watched us for my mom and my grandfather died before I was born. My husband's maternal grandmother is still alive but lives far from us and she just celebrated her 90th birthday this summer. All the other grandparents are dead.

Again I say to you and your sister be happy for what you do have. Accept your mom and dad for who they are and don't push your feelings off on your children. This is their norm and it's alright if you let it just be alright and stop expecting what you can't get from the other adults involved. Feel free to have your husband do the inviting since this is such an emotionally negative issue for you.

First, big hugs M.. I know this can't be easy.

Sometimes, with some people, you just can't win. It sounds like your mom has a lot of issues which seem to prevent her from being in a good relationship with her grandkids and their moms (you and your sister). That is very sad.

What I am wondering is if she has some personality issues and is feeling that she isn't getting enough of your attention during visits. Your children have replaced her as your focus, and rightly so. Yet, some people really do not deal with this in a healthy, rational way. When my son was 2, I had an older friend who is very self-absorbed; she would visit and make a lot of passive-aggressive comments that I wasn't putting my son in his place (second to her). This really gave me insight into her limitations and I decided that when I would reach out to her, it would just be one-on-one times. I couldn't change her, that was what she needed from me. Eventually, the friendship fizzled out.

In any case, regarding your mom-- I think this is a loss both you and your sister need to accept and grieve. Your mom isn't being the Grandmother you had both hoped she would be. That IS a loss. You have tried the reasonable approaches (counseling) and it sounds like she's not willing to see past her own perspective of being the wronged one, the martyr.

This is something really important to consider: if your mom does do guilt trips, how much exposure do you really want to give your kids to this? I say this with a lot of my own experience in mind. You don't want to feel bad that your mom won't visit, however, you don't want to feel obligated to make your kids visit someone who isn't emotionally healthy.

What you CAN do: first, accept that mom isn't going to change or live up to your expectations. Next, if you want to do something with her, ask her "give me some dates when you are available" and put the ball back in her court.( It may be nice to do an outing where it's just the two of you, I don't know. That would be one way to approach it.)

And then, DO focus on all of the loving, caring people you do have in your lives. For what it's worth, while some of my family is very aloof, I have one sister who I am close with. Even though we are four hours away, we give each other a lot of moral support. We encourage good long-distance relationships between our kids. We've also created a lot of 'chosen' family for ourselves and Kiddo, so he has quite a few honorary Aunties and their kids who love him. So, even though we are basically alone, family-wise, here in Portland, he does feel very loved.

And when they get older, it's okay to just explain it simply. I've had to explain my mother's not being in our lives (long story, safest option) and just focus on answering the question simply and mostly listening to him, his feelings, and lots of empathetic listening. It really is disappointing when our parents fail us in some ways, the goal for me is to just let Kiddo know that he is still very, very loved and worthy of that love. :)

This might not work, but I think if you want something from her, you're going to have to really spell it out. What is it that you want? Do you want your mom to call each week to talk to your daughter? Do you want her to invite you over? Are you hoping she will call and offer to babysit so that you and your husband can go out on a date? Be really specific.

My parents live 20 minutes away from us, and we don't see them too often. But we are all very busy. My husband I both work full-time, and my parents are rather busy. They will always make time for us if we need anything ... sometimes we do need a babysitter, sometimes we just want to come over for an afternoon, sometimes we are running late and need them to pick the kids up from daycare.

We are blessed because they usually will drop everything for us. And if they haven't seen us in awhile, they will call and say they miss us and will ask if they can come over to visit or invite us over.

What is it, exactly, that you want from your parents?

I think this has a lot to do with your expectations.
You want an extended family who lives on each others door steps and it's just not how your mothers side sees it.
Your Mom can try to send you on a guilt trip but you can refuse to go.
You tell her - "you know where we live - you are welcome to stop by when ever you want - it's the same invitation we extend to the in-laws - they just take us up on it and you don't - how is any of that my fault? - you make your own choices - I assume you are happy with them.".
Any guilt she tries to land on your shoulders - let it roll off/refuse delivery - it's too much weight to carry around with you.
Your Mom can't be the grandmother you want her to be.
Your kids will not ask 'where is grandma?' is you don't build up any expectations in them for wondering where she is.
Some parents are just done with child raising when their kids are grown and don't want to get involved with it in any capacity again when the grand kids come along - it's their loss - so pity them and let them go on their merry way.
You should be having too much fun with your kids to give your Mom a second thought.

I have a similar situation, in that my mom doesn't have anything to do with my son and my MIL is fantastic. My mom and I were very close for most of my life until my grandparents passed away. For lots of reasons my mother & I don't speak now - and she lives in another state - but the main thrust was that I wouldn't have her waltzing in and out of his life when she pleased. (I was that child with a horrible relationship with my father and I won't have my son wondering why he isn't good enough to be loved.)
Anyway. If there is one thing I learned from the last few years it's that *nothing* makes this easier when your kids are involved! (honestly, if my son hadn't been born I would've just let her behavior slide - probably forever!) I won't say to change your attitude, it's a valid reaction/emotion to have and needs to be dealt with on your terms.
I would suggest practicing dealing with her guilt trips a little differently. With kindness and empathy (because otherwise you will just make the situation worse) I would say something like: "Oh, I'm sorry that you felt left out of xyz. I know that you're very busy so maybe you could let me know when you're available to do something with us and we can get together." or "I'm hearing that you feel that my in-laws are getting more time than you. What would you like to schedule?" Remember, empathy and kindness! Also, perhaps you two had something you liked to do together (or just you, your sis & her) that you haven't done in a while? Open up a little, tell her that you're overwhelmed with all your daily tasks but you miss her. Perhaps she's feeling jealous of your full life?
Be kind but firm. If she won't get the hint, hang up! :D
Good luck!