I am 29 and my Mother passed away 4 years ago from Breast Cancer. Her 1st cousin and his family reached out to me and we all became close, visiting, emailing, texting, connecting on Facebook. Recently, his daughter, who is in her early 40's was diagnosed with Breast Cancer and very quickly began treatment (double mastectomy). He knew that she and I kept in contact regularly, in fact, I was the first person she told about the lump she found and subsequently was one of the first people she told about each step in the process. She and I talked often and quite candidly about her fears, worries, concerns, anxiety, etc. and I turned into her little cheerleader, I even made myself available to her two young children, in case they needed someone to talk to who had been through it with her own Mother.
And if anyone understands the stress the entire family is under it is me. I was 15 the first time my Mother was diagnosed with breast cancer and 25 when she ultimately passed away from her second diagnosis. I know WHY he acted out the way he did but it still doesn't make it ok. A family member being is is NOT an excuse for poor behavior. I am not pushing the subject with him either. I had every right to express my feelings to him and since I did I have left the ball in his court. Hopefully, when he is ready he will approach me to right the wrong. If not, as Dawn said, they are fair weather friends.
It just so happens that the day before her surgery was the 4 year anniversary of my Mothers's passing and I posted the following message: "4 years ago today I lost my Momma to Breast Cancer and I am still not sure why the universe thought that was right, but I hope and pray every day that they learned something useful from her struggle and can make the fight for future patients that much easier." and I took care to limit the audience of that post so that she could not see it as I did not want to scare her or upset her the day before her surgery. I even went as far as to email her father and let him know that when he saw that post it was restricted from her view. Radio silence.
Later that same night I get an email titled "FYI" and it is my Mothers cousin telling me he had his daughter remove me from Facebook because he did not want me upsetting her with my posts. He indicated that she had not seen my post but that he had told her about it and he was taking this step to prevent it from happening. I was SHOCKED. I immediately responded and told him that I wish he would have spoken to me first considering she hadn't seen the post and it was unnecessary to bring it to her attention since I had taken care to restrict her from seeing it. He responded by saying, and I quote: "Knee jerk reaction to your post, didn't read your email, it's done now and really doesn't matter." To that I responded by telling him it hurt my feelings that when he saw my post he didn't automatically assume I had taken care not to upset her and that I was also offended that when he had doubts and felt the need to 'protect' her he didn't at least give me the common courtesy of double checking with me before taking drastic measures. He never responded.
The next day he sends me a text with an update on the success of her surgery-glad to hear it. I responded by saying that I had been praying for her and hoped she'd reach out to me when she was ready and letting him know again, that he hurt my feelings. He never responded.
Here are the issues I am having: he should have KNOWN that I would never had vented my feelings in such a way that would have been insensitive to her situation. If he didn't, what does that say about his opinion of me? And if he had doubts, he should have reached out to me first and given me that one last chance to explain that I had taken care to avoid the situation entirely. Also, once he realized that he admittedly jumped the gun why did he think it was ok? I know he was coming from the place of a protective parent but does that excuse his accountability for his incorrect assumptions and possibly creating ill will where there never needed to be any? I went from being inside the inner family circle to not hearing from anyone. I know they are busy and don't assume to be anyone's main priority but I loved this family very much and am not being ignored.
His daughter is now a week post-op and I have not heard from her once when we used to text on a daily basis. I know what an emotional roller coaster she must be on and in no way do I want to stress her out by trying to explain my side of the situation. I think that it is her fathers responsibility to remedy the situation he unnecessarily created. I have text her twice just to say that I'm sending positive thoughts her way and hope she is resting comfortably and healing well-no response.
Let's be clear on a few things: I do not "expect" a response from a patient. I have communicated my prayers, love and well wishes to her with absolutely no selfish intent. I want nothing in return from her, I send her my best because I want her to heal and be well. I am SAD that our communication was terminated by someone else's (incorrect) and unnecessary assumptions, but as I previously stated I will NOT approach her to rectify this situation because I do not want to bring her undue stress.
Lee Lee in Mision Viejo: No, I did not need to refrain from posting anything commemorating my Mother’s passing. I did so with the hope that her struggle meant the road to health travelled by other patients would be that much easier. I only restricted the post because it was the DAY before my cousins surgery, however I knew she wouldn’t be offended by it. I think the distance is a result of her not wanting to battle her father.
ChristyLee-I have not called because she and I are texters. After her kids are in bed and I am home from work, we text. That’s how we communicate but if this goes on longer I do intend to call her. I have refrained thus far because it is only one week post-op for her and I won’t be selfish enough to try to push this as a main priority for her.
MartyMomma-I didn’t upset THEM, I upset one person and that should have been the person who took issue with me, not someone who had no idea about the post until he told them about it. Not pay tribute to my Mother on the anniversary of her passing? What nerve you have. I didn’t dump them, he dumped me and took her down with him. I have respectfully offered my side and am waiting for a response, I will not be pushy or invasive.
KristaP-Imagine you are taking the SAT’s tomorrow, do you want to hear that someone else failed them the day before? No. My message was not insensitive, it was a tribute to my Mother and I had a right to say it, someone else battling the disease does not mean I am no longer able to grieve my Mother.
Jo-No, I did not think that I needed to send him an email AND a message on Fb. He and I primarily communicate via email and when I need to get in contact with him that's the easiest way to do it so I went with a tried and true method.
To me Facebook is not public. I have a very small circle of people I am connected to and most of them are family members. It's how we share, we all post to Fb regularly. Some people blog as a form of journalling, I use Facebook. Not memorialize my Mother, what nerve you have!
I did NOT add stress to her life, he did. She NEVER would have had this issue in her life had he NOT taken it upon himself to make her aware of it.
You make very brave assumptions. I have had multiple surgeries and am in fact a cancer survivor myself.
If you have lost a parent I hope that you find comfort in the way you memorialize them but how DARE you say the way someone else pays tribute is wrong.
you protected her but what about him? he;s a parent FREAKING out about his childs health and you post something and then email to remind him of possible outcomes=(
ETA - Kenna, I doubt that he will do any apologizing. What will matter is how your relationship with her will go. Unless she listens to him to the exclusion of everything else, you two can be friends regardless of him. Quite frankly, I'd be grateful to not be an FB friend with him at this point because he has made it very clear that he doesn't care at all about the loss of your mom. Focus only on her relationship at this point. You don't really have one with him...
Original:
She's too sick to post to you, probably. Her father made a mistake with talking to her, probably turning you into a pariah in his discussion, and he's not willing to deal with the mistake. You'll have to deal with the issue with her when she is feeling better.
If she dumps you because of this, then she is a fair weather friend.
I will tell you that sometimes family members defriend other family members for good reasons. I don't think that THIS was a good reason. There was NOTHING wrong with what you wrote. YOUR mother was important to you and they don't have a right to consider this to be wrong. You were kind to hide the post from her, but you shouldn't even have had to, quite frankly.
Good luck.
I think FB can be a strange forum, especially to "older" people. If his daughter is 40, then I assume he is 60-70? We automatically think everything FB is public and he could have been dealing with his own emotions of what he is going through, and just got upset with the fact that his daughter is sick. Most men don't deal with personal stuff well. Yes, obviously he wants to protect her from negativity, and he may not understand your thoughts because his emotions aren't running right (make sense?). You're asking him to make a right out of a wrong during a very emotional time. I would let it go for now, regarding him, give him time, and continue to gently reach out to the daughter to let her know you care. I bet things turn around in due time. It sounds like everyone is going through a lot, including you. Btw, I was 16 when my mom was first diagnosed with breast cancer, and I was also 25 when she passed away, I am now 44. It's a tough road, I know....
I can't for the life of me see what was wrong with your post! And it was extra kind and sensitive of you to try to keep it from your sick cousin, but I don't even think you needed to do that. What is wrong with acknowledging your loss and the fact that others are going through the same struggle? I am sorry your cousins overreacted in such a strange way. The effects of stress and illness may be very powerful, or they may be the type of people who are eager to find offense in what others say and create drama for themselves or others. The ball is in their court now. Hopefully they will realize how foolish it is to put up these walls with someone who has been so supportive.
I also don't think you that you did anything wrong at all. Maybe I'm thoughtless, but it probably wouldn't even have occurred to me to block your cousin from seeing the post. It was a beautiful tribute to your mother. Since your mom's cousin was so upset by your post, i wonder if he's also offended by someone telling his daughter they're praying for her on the night before her surgery. Both could be considered 'reminders' that shes going through a frightening ordeal. But I see your post in the same light that I do telling someone you're praying them. All you're doing is expressing your love and concern for your friend, or your love and feelings for your mom, but by doing so it inherently acknowledges the reality that this is a scary situation. so again, you did nothing wrong at all with your FB post, and it was especially kind and thoughtful of you to go so far out of your way to protect your cousin's feelings.
My guess is that your Mom's cousin is just not the apologizing type. Like he said, having your cousin block you was a knee jerk reaction on a night when he was understandably emotional and on edge. Now that they're over this hurtle, he'll probably be better able to see your real motivation for your post and not be so offended. However, he'll probably never take the time to explain all this to your cousin, either because he's 'over it' or because explaining it would admit that he was wrong. Is there some way to unblock your cousin from reading the FB post (I don't use FB and don't know thing 1 about it)? At some point, when she feels better and isn't so emotionally and physically drained, email her and let her know she can read your original post and see for herself that you didn't mean any harm or offense. Until then (if this doesn't resolve itself in the meantime), just keep letting her know that you love her and and are thinking of her. Leave her dad out of it altogether and focus on your relationship with your cousin.
Good luck and best wishes to you and your family.
I think when he responded "Knee jerk reaction to your post, didn't read your email, it's done now and really doesn't matter." you should have left it at that. He was saying it was no big deal, yet you AGAIN brought it up when he sent an email about the success of her surgery. To me, it seems like you are putting the focus on you by pretty much demanding an apology. They probably feel like, Wow, she is a little over the top, maybe we need to limit our interactions. Honestly, that is how I would feel about the whole thing. Maybe it is you who needs to be making apologies.
Wow! I found nothing offensive or potentially upsetting in your post whatsoever. Even if your cousin had seen it, I don't see how it would have caused her to be upset. She knows your mom died of breast cancer, right? It's not like she's first finding this out on the eve of her surgery. I guess I would have just let her see the post and not said anything to her or her father.
Hopefully this will blow over once she's back on her feet!
I think the insensitivity lies in the fact that you purposely hid your post from your cousin and chose not to with her dad and possibly other close family/friends. How are they to know that you blocked it from her? The dad knew you were fb friends and was trying to protect her the only way he knew how, and quickly. SHE never would have had this issue in her life had YOU blocked all closely involved. I wonder what the other family/friends think of your untimely post. Its wonderful to memorialize your dear mother, but maybe something more private or at another time would have been better given the circumstances.
If you knew she would not be offended by your post, then why did you feel it necessary to block her? That I find offensive, and would probably unfriend you too.
It just amazes me at the things people post on fb!
I also don't think you did anything wrong. You were honoring your mother as expected and it should have in no way offended either of them. And by the way you say her father initiated all this...really? The girl is 40 years old! Can she not make her own decisions? I say you need to understand her issue, not his. I say just continue to keep her in your prayers and back off a little. You can work to repair the relationship when she is healthy.
it seems odd, that a 40 year old woman would be taking orders from her (controlling, not protective) father. illness or not. what business is it of his who she is friends with on fb, and what father would butt in and blow the lid off something like this?
i know it hurts your feelings and what a terrible, crucial point in the friendship for this to happen. i know you wish you were there to hold her hand. how awful for you.
unfortunately, considering all that has happened i think it really behooves you to back off and let her take the next step. that's really all you can do. you have apologized and made it clear your intentions are only good. she is at an insane point in her life and if she needs a little time to sort it all out, you must give it to her. there is nothing else you can do, i'm very sorry. but you can come here and vent and get some kind words (mostly). hang in there!
You did nothing wrong. It was a beautiful tribute to your Mom. Who knows what her father told her!!!!! I would call. No e mails or texts. If she does not answer, write a note. As you know all too well. This is a stressful time for everyone. Hopefully time will bring you back together. Hugs.
I am very sorry to hear about the passing of your mother.
As you know, this is a very tough time for them. I understand you are vulnerable, as they are as well.
Try not to take things so personal and respect that they are going through a tough time and not create more drama for them.
There was nothing wrong or insensitive about your post. I actually think that you went above and beyond to make sure that your second cousin wouldn't see it, because you certianly didn't have to. It's not like you were crying about it, and they do know that she ultimately died.
You should not take it personally because it's not about you. You don't know what her immediate concerns were during that time, what she might have expressed to her father or others. Maybe it IS something that would have sent her over the moon. You just don't know. This is about his fears and needs to protect his daughter from ALL the monsters that appear in her life. He can't protect her from cancer, so he'll go overboard to protect her from the slightest discomfort while she is in this fight. Also, he should not have assumed that you would take precaution to protect her from seeing it. Why should he just know that you would have hidden from her something that everybody else can see? What in your long history together would tell him that this is how you think and behave? Yes, it could have been handled differently all the way around, but I don't think that there has been any mishandling on either side. You can still contact her directly if you want, right? Send her some get-well messages of love, and don't mention your mother or this issue. And stop telling him how he hurt your feelings. Your feelings are valid, but you don't make him want to reach out to you when your last words to him are always that he is doing wrong by you. Who wants to walk into that with so much other stuff is going on, like his daughter fighting for her life? And face it, you guys just met a few years ago. You shouldn't expect him to treat you like you have a real history together. Sorry.
You didn't do anything wrong.
He didn't do anything wrong either.
You've both been affected by family members having cancer.
Your mother passing away 4 years ago and his daughter's diagnosis/treatment now.
It's up close and personal for him right now - a parent fears for their child.
Not that it wasn't for you but you've had 4 years to cope and adjust.
(His cousin (your mother) was not his child.)
Chalk it up to 'he handles grief/shock/catastrophic illness/stress differently than you do' and try not to hold it against him/them.
In a sense you know what he (and she) is going through - BUT at the same time - you don't.
His daughter's cancer is not about you.
So - continue sending occasional get well soon notes, maybe send flowers or a fruit basket - and don't get offended at anything they do or don't do.
Try not to jump to conclusions.
I could be wrong but maybe everything didn't go as well as everyone hoped for and they are too stunned and don't want to share right now.
Just wish them well and respect their wishes if they want some personal space.
Who care what he thinks or says? She is someone you are close with. I see nothing in your post about you just calling her. Call her. To not do so, will make her think you don't care.
Not to be mean - but you lost me at "FB"
I don't think you did anything wrong, and I'm sorry that things have taken a bad turn in your relationship. I would call your cousin in a few days to see how she is, and just let her know you care about her and you are sorry for any misunderstandings.
Well, I can definitely see both sides of this. I can honestly say that if it were me, knowing that a family member was imminently going in for breast cancer surgery, I would have refrained from such a FB post in the first place. You had the sense to try and limit her from seeing it, but you should have taken it a step further and just not made such a post. Who knows what your family members have in their privacy settings; I'm always quite surprised the type of stuff that I am able to see my friends posting on others' pages.
That being said, it's a little overboard what the father did (including unfriending you), but I do understand he was protecting his daughter. Doesn't matter her age, she's his daughter and he'll always protect her.
I think you need to realize that although your post was a lovely tribute to your mother, the timing and audience were quite misplaced. You've hurt your family, certainly unintentionally, but amends must be made. On your part. Very best of luck to you.
Your cousin's daughter is in her 40's. She's a grown woman. Call her and talk to her directly.
Her father has no right to control her or your communication. If SHE doesn't want to talk to you, the directive should come from HER mouth.
Call her and share your concerns and positive thoughts with her and stay out of the Facebook dramas. Quit asking for permission to talk to an adult woman from her father.
ETA: You haven't called her "because you're texters?" That's an awful excuse! Please pick up the phone and actually TALK to her! This problem isn't going to be solved through text.
I want to start by saying that I think he did not handle the situation well. I don't think you handled his response well either. My opinion is that you need to go slowly, understand that they are in a tough place, and forgive. I also believe you need to apologize and that you were not trying to upset any of their family. You blocked her from seeing the post. Why? Because you thought it could scare or upset her. You didn't think that it could scare or upset him before his daughter was going into surgery? You reminded him of just how serious this is right during a very scary moment for any parent. You should have blocked him and other members of his immediate family also. Let go of your hurt feelings because they are not helping you or them.
I don't think there is a thing wrong with your post. And in fact, I wouldn't have even restricted it. I think it's sweet that were sensitive to her feelings, and I get that it's scary for her and the family. However, you are entitled to remember the anniversary of your mother's death and put awareness out there.
A lot of people find comfort with friends on facebook during times of crisis. When my brother was diagnosed with cancer last year, the outpouring of support from my friends on facebook was remarkable. The same thing when he died later that year. I did find comfort in it, and I always try to do the same for others.
I know you are hurt, but one thing I have learned is that people deal with cancer in many different ways- just like grief. Some people walk around on egg shells, others talk about it openly. I would sent her cards, little pick-me-ups, words of encouragement. You don't have to talk to her every day, but just let her know you care. Life is just too precious for such petty disagreements over silly things like a facebook post.
Can u go visit her. Not much you can do to change his reaction but forgive.
Kenna:
I'm sorry for the loss of your mom. I pray that her memory will be eternal.
how would I have handled it? I wouldn't have restricted her. She has breast cancer. She knows what she is up against. There are MANY survivors and she needs to know that.
Your relationship must not have been as strong or as close as you thought if she hasn't reached out to you, allowed her father to dictate who she could be friends with on-line.
Have you reached out to her? Have you called her? Texted her? Sent her a message via facebook? Anything?
I don't think it's your cousin's responsibility to remedy anything. He needs to accept responsibility for his actions - but it's up to you and your girlfriend to repair the situation. YOU TWO need to talk. Her father needs to accept responsibility for behaving so harshly - however - it's NOT up to HIM to fix the situation. That's up to you and her.
Good luck!
if she's a grown up, then treat her like one and stop justifying things to her daddy. who cares what he says? your relationship is with HER - not with her via daddy.
if she's a kid, then you just have to wait until she's 18.
at the end of the day, you can't make her text you back. sorry.
Well I don't think you did anything wrong and although I feel like maybe your uncle slightly over reacted that is actually hard to say since he's concerned about his baby, even if she is 40! But ultimately I find it totally appropriate that you would want to say something about your mom's anniversary and people should not make you feel shame over that.
I think ultimately he did have a knee jerk reaction and it hurt your feelings. I don't know if he'll see it your way and you may never get an apology but try and take it with an understanding that we all deal with stress differently, etc. I hope this doesn't cause a permanent issue in your family because that would really be a shame.
And, I just have to add that although I do feel like you got some harsh responses on here I don't think they are enough to "resign" from the site. I know that I always take things more personally when I'm asking the question than when I read responses to what others asked, but really, MOST people are really just trying to give their opinion and help you.
I see some separate issues going on here that are getting all muddled up together.
You posted a loving memorial about your mom on her anniversary, which was your right to do so. You took steps to be sensitive about it for your cousin's sake. All caring, loving things to do. It showed you were thinking not only of yourself, but of your cousin.
However, your cousin's father was also being protective and that his right. He had no way of knowing how you handled your FB post and so he tried, gently, to let you know why you might notice that your cousin wasn't on your friend list for a while. He was trying to be courteous to both you and his own daughter.
I wouldn't have had hurt feelings over him warning your cousin that was having the surgery to unfriend you over your memorial post. I wouldn't have fired back to him about knowing me better than that even if I did have hurt feelings over it. Why? Because on both sides of this... you having your own situation missing your mom and your cousins dealing this serious surgery.... emotions are high and raw.
Your situation had nothing to do with them, and their situation had nothing to do with you. There isn't really any, "They should have known better."
In this past week while she's recovering, there are still a lot of emotions and fears driving them. Will she be okay? Did the surgery work? What if she has complications? What if there's an infection? Or a reaction to meds? What if she can't eat or drink? What if she needs more help than anticipated? You've been through this with your own mother so surely you know that they can't handle hearing that they upset you and hurt your feelings at a time when they shouldn't have to be burdened with that. What happened on FB was minor.
And it's very possible that she herself isn't texting you back because her phone is off so that she doesn't have to worry about responding to every single person who is trying to contact her and find out what's going on until she's ready to respond.
Her recovery and responding to you isn't about you, okay? She needs time. Give it to her. And let her family off the hook about the FB thing.
