Husband Feeling Left Out.

It is so hard. You are so tired and it doesn't get easier as they get older because then they are up late or you are waiting for them to come home. Anyway, it is so great that he is able to verbalize his concern. A lot of husbands just get mad or stay at work longer. Your relationship with your husband is the most important, even above your children. That is who you will be left with when the children all leave and they do all leave (hopefully). So you need to continue to be best friends and to do things that you have in common together. Even if it's a walk hand in hand around the block. One of my mentor moms said she and her husband used to go into the sunroom in their house and for 15 minutes or so (i can't remember the exact time) they wouldn't let the kids in so that they can catch up. They did this every day. Isn't that amazing. Anyway, you may be able to figure something out for the two of you that is similiar. Whatever you do do not make the excuse that you have been taking care of the children. Do what you can to give you husband the attention he needs or he may find it somewhere else.

yeah, I just got off the phone with my husband having a sort of argument about this very issue. I went through post partum after my second child and ended treatment last spring as I was feeling a lot better. Lately I've really been struggling though with the same things you're talking about.

For instance, I joined a gym and hired a personal trainer on a two month special the gym was having. My plan was to go to the gym on the mornings my son was in preschool. Well, my son didn't adjust to preschool and I had to remove him (on the advice of the school -- not just my choice). So, I only made it to the gym for the first month of the program. I lost 6lbs and built up a lot of strength. I was sooo proud of myself!!! It was the first thing I had done just for myself for 3 years, I think. And now I haven't made it back for 3 weeks because my son refuses to stay in the gym daycare. My house is a mess although I clean (at least a little bit) every day. Yesterday my husband "watched" the kids while I cleaned up a flower bed in our front yard. I found out today that while he was supposedly watching them, they went into the garage, got into my van, broke my sunglasses and played with my prepaid cell phone using up $30 of my prepaid plan. When I asked my husband how exactly they got into the van and spent that much unsupervised time in there, he claimed they were only there for a moment and that he hadn't realized they got into the garage. Also, any time he watches them for me I spend most of the time yelling to him to please come and get them as they constantly wander off in search of me and hinder me from doing whatever it is I need to do (like clean the restroom or fold the laundry -- I'm not asking for time to lay around eating bonbons).

And then after I put the kids to bed and finally flop down on the couch -- my husband gets grouchy and complains if I don't want to have naked time. So, I feel your pain. I've been telling him that he's more likely to get attention if he will help me with the kids and the house, get a babysitter once in a while (he always says I can get a babysitter, but never actually tries to help me find one or make any calls or anything), bring home dinner without first asking me for detailed instructions on what to get -- just basically do anything to make my life easier. Sometime he gets it, other times he complains that he works all day and should get to just come home and relax. I've found I have to give him very specific requests like "Use sittercity to find a babysitter for next Saturday night" or "Take the kids to McDonald's for dinner so I can clean the bathroom" and then once I get the break I need, it's a lot easier to function as a wife.

I know exactly what you're talking about. I'm a SAHM with my 7 month old son and whenever my husband is home he wants my attention. If I am doing something with our son or doing something around the house, he "jokes" that he is jealous that our son is getting all the attention or that I'm always too busy when he's home. I've tried explaining to him that taking care of our son and our home is kind of like my job. Just like he has his job. My job doesn't end when he comes home. I'm always working. I don't think he really understands that dishes still need to be washed or laundry still needs to be done when he's at home. We try to put our son down at an early enough time that we can have at least a couple hours of us time. Also, when our son is napping we try to do something together like play a game or just sit and talk.

Been there, done that! I remember when I had my first child my nurse said to me " you take good care of this baby, but remember to take even better care of your husband, because in the end he is all that you will have." I will never forget that... Well, sometimes I do when I am overwhelmed like you are, but I eventually remember and change a few things that I am doing. I have found that If I do little things like make his lunch and leave a note in it, write I love you on the mirror, give him little gifts every so often for no reason at all, and call him singing a song that tells him I care REAlly REALLY helps. Its not just the spending time together it is knowing that you still care about him. I'm sure he knows it, but that doesnt mean he isnt lonely. Get excited to see him when he comes home from work and give him a kiss! Once I started doing these things again, it was like magic! He started giving me "me time" partially since I started telling him to go hunting when he came home...even when I wanted his help, because I knew that if I show him I care than he eventually will do the same for me. Him and I rarely if ever get time to spend together so I try to incorporate him when he is home with the children and do something fun. Read stories, pop popcorn and watch a movie, etcetera. Also, I learned to put my kids to bed early now unless he wants them to stay up and play with us. That way we can relax together or seperately. You cant do everything, so some things will have to be let go. I do laundry once a week. If he wants it done more than that then he knows he will have to do it. We had problems with this in the beginning, because he expected me to do EVERYTHING!! I thought I was going to go CRAZY. Sit down and talk to him and see what his expectations are of you and what you are putting on yourself. Explain to him that you are feeling overwhelmed right now with everything. Tell him that you want to spend time with him and you want to make sure that he is happy, but you feel like there is a lot of pressure on you to do so many things that you have to get everything done. Let him know that you love him and that you want to spend quality time with him and lets figure out a way to work this out to benefit everyone. How about when you come home from work we stop what we are doing for 5 to 10 minutes to catch up on what was going on with one another. After that we can spend 1 hour doing things around the house or helping with the kids. Once that hour is up we will no longer do any more work around the house for the rest of the night. Well eat dinner as a family, put the kids to bed and spend at least an hour of quality time with one another.

This is just a scenario to give you some ideas of what might work for you. good luck

J.,
I'm so sorry that your husband wants you stretched THAT thin! I don't even want to imagine what that would feel like. I don't know if this will help, but perhaps hiring a cleaning service, instead of you having to clean, and hiring a sitter for one or two nights a week would help?
Also perhaps try a 'To Do' list on your fridge that anyone can attend to. Have your husband write his name next to errands he tackled, and write your name next to the ones you have done. That way when the errands are done, and you did most of them, if not all (which is most likely what the case will be) you have some concrete proof for him, saying 'I do all the work, give me a break!' Good luck, I hope your husband will understand very soon how much you do, and won't be so selfish!