Husband May Have Child from 16 Years Ago.

Hey K., I can only imagine how upsetting this is. I caution you though about focusing your anger solely on this woman. It is important to acknowledge the whole picture: she approached you guys before and you both sent her away. You cited financial reasons and also her sleeping with other men at the time (your post has a slut-shaming feel to it). Those factors are not relevant. Your husband knew there was a possibility this boy was his and he didn’t turn over every stone to find out. You guys aren’t victims of her. Both sides made poor choices and the kid is the one who has to deal with it.

If your husband is the father, this (almost) 16 year old deserves to know. He deserves to know who his biological father is.

I have no idea how hard this must be on you, but remember, this isn't about you or your husband or the ex-girlfriend. This young man deserves to know who his father is.

I do agree that she should have determined paternity years ago, but she didn't. You can't change that fact. You can only deal with what is. This is where you are now. Find out the truth. Encourage your husband to do the paternity test.

you say she contacted him previously, but not just HOW previously. is this something you've just discovered, or something that both of you only recently found out together, or something that he's known for quite a while and only just shared with you.

these are important distinctions.

especially since you state that cost was a factor in him finding out, and at that point you say 'we' indicating that you have indeed known it was a possibility for a while.

regardless i think your anger, while natural i suppose, is unfounded. if your husband is the father then yes, she certainly has the right to 'interfere with your lives.' i think all four of you should be more interested in finding out the truth than assigning blame.

if, as it sounds, you've know for a while and she has had the other potential baby daddies tested and they've all been negative, then she is not immature and irresponsible at all. in fact she has been 100% compliant with your demands.

if you're only just now finding out, then i'm sure it's a shock and will certainly be something you and your husband have to work through mindfully.

but i do think it's inappropriate to just blame the woman. the sex was a long time ago. the child is here now. no point in flailing about in anger. find out the truth once and for all and move forward.

khairete
S.

What would I do? I'd ask my husband to take a paternity test and go from there. I'm not sure why you'd be angry. There's certainly no reason to freak out about something that may not even be an issue.

She was wrong to not tell him 16 years ago, but the boy has a right to know who his father is even if his father chooses not to be a part of his life, but I know for myself I would not be able to be married to the kind of man who would not want to know his son. She may want nothing from you, she may want money, but either way there is little you can do about that but try to fight her in court. Just take it one day at a time and let your husband get to know his son (once paternity is confirmed) without your interference. After they have a chance to meet a couple of times then your husband should introduce him to the rest of his family (you and any half siblings he may have, because you are in fact part of his family now if paternity is proven, whether you want to accept it or not). The most important thing to remember is to be kind to this child, he is innocent in this, it was not his choice for his mother to not tell his bio father about him. If you fight or are nasty to his mother you will only end up hurting the child and making it harder for your husband to know his son.

Of course this would upset me. I'm not sure how it couldn't upset a person. It would be a shock at the very least and any normal person would start thinking, how will this affect our lives and family? But separate the emotions from the issue.

The woman (and who she slept with) is her business. I wouldn't even go there. The other possible fathers really is irrelevant. I don't get the whole 'go have them all tested' thing (I get you didn't have the funds for the testing - however, to me that's irrelevant.)

So what would I do if I were in your husband's shoes? I would just be tested. What else is there to do? I would a) want to know and b) it's the right thing to do.

As for what do you do after that? If it turned out I was the father? I would personally consult a lawyer. I would want to know if I was financially responsible for the boy.

Obviously - I'd likely want to meet the boy and go from there. It really would depend on how much involvement I (your husband) would want and the boy would want. Then from there, how involved everyone would want to be (if you and your family would want to meet him, etc.).

The whole emotional side of this is very complex .. and I'm not sure anyone can relate to this unless they've been through it. I have friends who have met their biological mothers, etc. (who were adopted). It is very involved, and very emotional. Typically, they just want to meet so that that they can fill an emotional need (? not sure if that's the right word) or curiosity (? again not sure if that's the right word). Without having experienced it, I doubt any of us can know what it feels like.

I would just be supportive of your husband during this process, as I'm sure you are.

Being angry at the woman I think is pointless (but understandable). Just let that go - feel it, and then let it out - let it wash over you and release it - don't carry that around with you. Consider she was young (I'm guessing) and clueless at the time (possibly scared, who knows) and she made the best of the situation at the time. Perhaps she wants the best for her child like any mother would now - and that's to give him an answer she feels he deserves. She is doing the best she can - which is all we try to do. It is kind of messed up - but sometimes life is.

sounds like you needed to vent a bit and thats good! vent away. have hubby tested, and go from there, theres a chance hes not the dad, testing is the only way to know for sure, so wait till the results then decide how to proceed into the future.

Your husband says he would have stepped up and taken responsibility years ago, but he blew her off when she asked him to take a paternity test. He should have done it then, and he should do it now. So I would encourage him to take it as soon as possible. The 15 year old certainly should have the chance to know who his biological father is. What about his life? I think both your husband and his ex dropped the ball here, and your anger and frustration should be towards both of them. What's your biggest fear or concern if he is in fact the father? He's almost 16, nearly an adult, so not as much a responsibility as a little child. Maybe he's a neat kid, and your husband could be gaining something really amazing in his life. I'm sure it's a huge shock, but after you have a chance to get used to the idea, maybe wouldn't be so bad

I think your anger is misplaced. She has every right to find the bio father. Yes, she could have done it more artfully, but then again, your husband could have agreed to a test when first informed instead of saying "test everyone else and get back to me." So the reason this is still hanging over his head is as much his fault as hers. I also think it's unreasonable to expect 17 and 18 year olds to always do "the right thing" at that age.

She has the right "to interfere" because her son has the right to know his background, including his medical history. Try to think about it from his perspective.

When we marry someone who is not a virgin, we accept that they had previous sexual partners. You two have built a good marriage and there is nothing this woman can do to disrupt a strong bond, right? So why waste energy on being angry with her?

I think he should get the test. He should be sure to do it in a way that ensures the DNA sample goes directly to a lab and not to her (or anyone else) to send it, and the results should come to him. If she wants to get the results herself, then I'd say to have each of them send in a sample of his DNA to the lab each chooses.

Maybe she wants nothing, maybe she wants something. I know it's frustrating, but it's totally out of your hands, and the only way any of you are going to get anywhere is to get the test. If he's not the father, you're done with her. If he is, then the ball is in her court and, at some point, the child's. Maybe, just maybe, it could be a terrific thing. My husband is adopted and knows nothing of his background, and it has created some real problems in medical situations. If he had that info, it would be a great gift. Maybe the kid is even nice and would be someone you could grow to love. Not that you're there yet. Are you worried about being embarrassed and having to explain this to others? Don't be. There is no shame in this and it has no reflection on you.

You've been married "almost 14" years and the boy is "almost 16". So - you're married 13 years and the boy is 15. Got it.

Your husband should take a paternity test. The boy deserves to know, and, your husband should step up for child support.

You know what they say - If you lie down with dogs.... She got a man who refuses to take a paternity test and he got a child he doesn't want to acknowledge.
("Dogs" in this case meaning - a situation that was apparently not carefully considered.)

Welcome to mamapedia, K..

I have a friend that went through this. The W. lied TO HER DAUGHTER and husband (who died) for 16 years. Then out of the blue - she comes in and says 'hey - i'm your daughter" - total disruption of the family life.

Your husband should be tested. He should have done it when he was approached the first time. The child deserves to know WHO his biological father is and know the medical history of the family.

You have every right to be mad. Now get over it and deal with the situation. He didn't cheat on you. He didn't know. And to be honest? He's 50% to blame for this situation by having unprotected sex with her.

I'm glad to read you will welcome him with open arms. But please do so without condemnation of his mother. I know that's hard. but realize it's not his fault.

So a girl who gets pregnant as a teen is ‘immature and irresponsible’, but a man in his 30’s who refuses to establish paternity isn’t?

Maybe the boy shouldn’t meet you guys if that’s your logic. Have a hard time believing he would be welcome.

He needs to be tested, that is all there is to it. Just because she recalled 8 men she slept with 16 years ago doesn't mean that's the amount of men she slept with, or maybe she thought one of them pulled out and she was safe, and that is the guy who got her pregnant. Perhaps he isn't the father, so testing is a must in order to proceed. It's good that the kid has a good father (it's quite hard to find someone willing to be a good father to a child not biologically theirs!), but he has the right to want to meet and have a relationship with his biological father, regardless of who raised him.

The way I see it, the more positive male role models in his life, the better. Sorry that you're upset, but your husband has to face the consequences of his actions if the kid is his, and be a decent man and step up to this child. The child has no guilt in this, and the woman is just as guilty as your husband (if the child is his) for having unprotected sex. There is no reason to direct your anger at either of them. She was a teenager, how many smart, responsible and mature things did YOU do when you were a teenager, or having sex for the first time? If you found her actions immature and irresponsible, why aren't you judging HIS actions to be the same? He could have worn a condom, you know. Plenty of blame to go around here.