I Am over Reacting (Married but Seprated)

My response will somewhat coincide with Marci W.

I've worked with all men for nearly 16yrs. I understand the woman's 'hormonal' brain AND the 'man brain'. So, to answer your question from the 'woman' view... no, you're not over reacting. From 'man' view... H3ll yes you're over reacting. Many men are the mentality of, if it's not in their face, it's not thought about. Men and children often express themselves with simplicity. When my husband looks deep in thought, he probably just farted. The reason I know that... I've watched men act and react to just about everything.

A fictional story for example - Man standing in garage. Woman comes out to let him know dinner's ready. Man has weird expression on his face while starring off to nowhere. Woman thinks, 'What's that look for? OMG, I bet he's thinking of another woman... OMG! He must be cheating... Why won't he tell me if he's not happy? What did I do wrong? Am I fat?' What the man is ACTUALLY thinking... 'Hmm. I wonder what she made for dinner. Am i hungry? *farts silently* Oh no... I hope she doesn't smell that. That's awful. I think she smelled that... She's starring at me. Don't look.' What HE SAYS... 'Ok honey. I'll be in, in a minute. What are we having?' She SAYS, 'Hamburgers! Grrr...' and stomps off. After she leaves, he mumbles to himself, 'What in the h3ll did I do now?'

1.- Unless he was 'Mr. Sensitive' before you two separated, what would make you think he would be now?

2.- Men don't want to be around stress... Especially around stressed out women. Like a 'man cold', they're big babies when it comes to stress. If you're stressed, it makes them crazy, angry, and they feel that they're taking on all the burdons whether they are or not.

3.- Men prefer honesty. Brutal honesty. He'll react better to, 'I think you were a d*ck when you didn't call and check on our daughter.' than he would to, 'What in the h3ll were you thinking? Or not for that matter... You should know what to do...'

4.- Yeah... They hate the 'You know what you did' speech too.

5.- Out of sight out of mind... Yes, I stated that once already, but feel it needed to be reiterated.

6.- It's quite apparent that you're not happy with him and haven't been for a while if you're separated. You will NOT change him. Men will ONLY change under their own will power. If you didn't like living with him, you still won't like him while living apart, but the good part of it is... You don't have to deal with him all day, every day anymore.

7.- He was probably thinking about the 'what-ifs' too. However, he won't show that... Men don't want to be vulnerable!!!

8.- He loves her. But he's likely not wanting to 'deal' with you. Especially right now.

9.- He said, 'Don't call unless there's a problem.' So don't call. Boys say what they mean.

10.- And as previous ladies said... Don't bash him in front of your little one. It will come to bite you in the @ss. Explain to her that her daddy loves her but doesn't really know how to deal with her possibly getting hurt and loves her as much as he knows how.

Good luck. HTH!!!

Well you are setting yourself up for disappointment because you have certain expectations that he obviously cannot fullfill. You have every right to feel the way you do and yes he SHOULD be trying to have a relationship with his daughter. However for whatever reasons he is not stepping up to the plate to be the type of man he should be. That is out of your control.....expecting it=disappointment.
I would try my very best to stop expecting him to do certain things or act a certain way, etc. Once you turn the off switch on its very possible he will react to that and just maybe might even realize how immature and irresponsible he is being as a father. It doesn't matter that you and him no longer have a relationship and he isn't responsible to you at this point if you are going through a divorce, seperated, etc. BUT he is certainly responsible for that child but its more of a moral issue than anything else. If he doesn't morally feel compelled to spend time with his daughter ~who really controls that? You or Him? Like I said stop expecting it so that you don't continue to set yourself up with a lifetime of disappointments-he will be held accountable some day but its not your job to ensure he is held accountable today, tomorrow, or whatever.
Just try to be there for your daughter because just as you feel hurt she is going to feel that ten fold. Let her know its not HER fault by any means and she will know its not yours either all on her own. Never ever say anything negative about her Dad in front of her or around her. As a matter of fact I wouldn't speak ill of him at all because things like that have a way of revealing itself all on its own without any involvement. Lastly please pray-pray that God can open your mind to hear what he is trying to tell you and pray for hubby as well. Try to find a church or group that can offer you a support system. You will only fail if you don't have that support system in place. You are going to have good days and there are going to be bad days but in time those bad days won't seem as bad as they used to be. Good luck and my heart and prayers go out to you and for your family.

I don't think you are overreacting at all. However you are going to harm yourself with the extra stress. He is responsible for his relationship with his daughter. If he fails then it is his failed relationship. What you might do is try to prepare loving responses for your daughter when she asks why he is absent or better yet find a healthy format for her to ask him why he is absent. Let him be responsible for his action (or inaction) and you be the soft place to fall. If you try to be the buffer between them chances are you will become the bad guy. Unfortunately your daughter will be hurt in this, there really is no way to prevent it. But if you find yourself in the healthiest place possible you can kiss her wounds with so much love she will navigate this just fine.

I think you have a right to be angry, I would take a pillow go as far as you can in the house away from anyone else. Take the pillow scream into it, punch it, kick it, whatever you need to do - cry all you want then when you are done stand up take a deep breath and say this is the start for my daughter and I. Channel all your thoughts of him into your daughter and focus on her and you. I would take an exercise class, even if you go into a room in the house and take a 30 min class from the TV. Focus on you, your daughter, don't his issues ruin you or your daughter.
The holidays are coming - try to enjoy them. You can't fix him, so don't try all you can do is be a great mom to your daughter!!!
Good Luck and god bless

Repeat to yourself: Yet another example of why I don't want to be with a man who does these sorts of things.

Everyone is different in how they deal with things. Men and women are especially different. You can't expect him to act the way you want him to or the way you would act. Probably the best way to deal with this is to not have any expectations. At the same time, do not sabotage your daughter's relationship with her father becuase he doesn't do what you think he should do. You should encourage their relationship.
Good luck.
By the way...I have found yoga and prayer and meditation to be the best ways for me to deal with anger.

Not to get into the details, but if you are living at your parents, does that mean that you did the leaving? Does your husband feel abandoned, too? Perhaps that's adding to the lack of communication from him. I'll bet he's hurting, too. Not that it excuses his behavior, but perhaps it can help shed some light on his situation.

Secondly, you are perfectly entitled to your feelings! However, staying angry at a situation that you can help change doesn't help the situation. You are both VERY capable adults. Both of you are capable of making the first step. But it's up to you as to whether you want to be the bigger person and make that step of talking (not b*tching, not complaining...just talking). It's much easier to hold on to anger than it is to let go, forgive and move on to the next challenge--which is why so many people hang on to their anger and let it eat them from the inside out.

(a little background: my husband and I were very near a separation about 3+ years ago when we stopped really communicating with each other, which led to a loss of emotional intimacy. After a year of couples marriage counseling, we learned the tools to reconnect and learned how to love each other in a new, more mature way--not just the way we all initially fall in love as young college students)

My son uses this quote and we use it on him and each other all the time: "We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because they are HARD."--John F. Kennedy

Good luck to you and I hope that you are all able to find the peace that passes all understanding!

Glad your daughter is doing OK. As for your anger....I understand you would like him to be part of this trying time for you and for your daughter, but be thankful that she is OK. The anger will get in the way of you enjoying and rebuilding your life without him.
Try (I understand it is hard) to focus on your daughters' health, her well being, as well as your own. You can NOT make him call or act the way you think he should. If he doesn't call her it's really his lost.

You are not over reacting. You are going through a very stressful situation faced with the fact that you may be a single mom now. You have to focus on you and your daughter right now. My best advice to you would be to seek counseling immediately. You need to be emotionally healthy for yourself and your daughter. If money is an issue, there is probably a divorce/separation support group you can attend through a local church. Don't be afraid to ask for help and support from your friends and family. At the end of the day, you need to be strong for your daughter so that both of you can get through this change. Good Luck.

People handle stress differently. When our son had his tonsils/adenoids out at just after his 4th birthday, we were both very worried. But I kept my cool (I didn't want our son to pick up any panicking from me) and Dad was almost crying over worry over the anesthesia, etc. There's no question we both cared.
You are thinking your husband doesn't care about your/his child (which I doubt). He may just not want to deal with your reaction to stress. And I'm not saying you are one of them, but there are some women out there who are SO into creating drama, it's a big turn off to many people around them.
There are worries that would definitely send me over the edge (my son breaking bones, having a concussion, being in a car accident, having a terminal/incurable disease), and then there are worries over fairly common/least risky procedures (tonsillectomy, ear tubes, removing a splinter (painful, true, but necessary), wearing braces (also painful - I had them for 7 yrs)) and for those I tell myself that worrying excessively is just a waste of my energy, upsets my child/husband, and ultimately solves nothing. It doesn't mean I don't care.

... this may not make sense now... but just let me meander here.
When my Dad died... my Mom attended a local "grief support" group... she met MANY wonderful people there... who all were going through the same thing... a "loss" of something or someone. Peoples situations were that they were ALL "grieving" something... be it death/divorce/separation/loss of a pet/terminal illness/separation with family for whatever reason.
The point being... that this sort of thing is like a "grieving" and a loss of what... was or what is not... there. And... perhaps for you... maybe a "support group" of some kind... might be very beneficial... in going through this ordeal... because of your DH.
My Mom said... that 'anger' even she felt, when my Dad died. Anger being a "process" of "grieving" something....
For her, the grief support group... really helped her... and it was someplace she could commiserate with other people... and not feel judged.... and to heal... in her own way... with other people who understood....

Anyway, just an idea....

Your DH... is just not... being anything much.
I am so sorry....
Do what you feel... is the right thing for you and your child.
Concentrate on the 2 of you. Not on how wrong and callous and selfish... your DH is.

No, you are not over-reacting.

all the best,
Susan

I think men and women fundamentally deal with stress differently, and sometimes I think when women ask advice like this on Mamapedia, they are just going to get more of the same female perspective.

Men tend to cave when stressed, and shut down. It has nothing to do with whether they care or not. Women are more vocal and talk about relationships and have an easier time putting themselves in other people's shoes.

I think to help with your anger and maybe even with your marital problems, you should try and understand men in general and your husband better. Men don't explain themselves well so it is so hard, so sometimes books about men and how they think, like Men are from Mars, Women Venus type of books or Dr Laura's Proper care and Feeding of Husband's book or Fascinating Womanhood book, all can help you to not feel so angry.

I know some things seem so obvious, like making a simple phone call, but not in the man brain.

I would be angry with him too if he were my husband. I would suggest, for short term relief, asking your parents to watch your daughter for a bit while you go take a nice long power walk. Something about walking with the nighttime sky over my head is very soothing to me when I am feeling frustrated and upset. Also, talking to a friend that can just listen to you for a bit can also be very cathartic. As for a long-term solution, bringing this up in couples counseling wouldn't hurt.

Sorry that you are having to go through this. Hope you and your daughter feel better soon.

Ok breath, I understand ur pain, the only advice i can give is let it go, kids no whats really going on even at a young age, so she will remember that daddy wasn't there. all you can do is let her know mommy is here. oh and my thing is don't even say nothing to him, cause he is probablly looking for u to argue. don't give him pleasure

This would totally bother me too. I wouldn't call him either. No point in nagging him. If it were me in this situation, I'd just pray for the father. God can work in his heart. Good luck!

Naw....I'd be hurt too. And nothing hurts a mother more than the thought that someone--anyone is slighting her child--even if it IS the father.
Maybe he thinks since you are separated, you are "in charge" of this particular issue? But it does seem cold to me.

From a very personal experience, I beg you not to turn it around and feel that he doesn't love his daughter. My dad left my mom & I very early on. Ever since I could remember, I felt he left because I wasn't good enough. I don't ever recall my mom saying that, but I do recall her saying not so many good things about him and that he wasn't a real man and that I should never trust a guy because the day I need him the most, he will walk away. When I was 22, I finally found him (took 13 years). My goal was to find out how he knew he had a child, but refused to even want to get to know me or how I turned out. It took 2 years of a lot of unbroken promises (his part) and a heck of a lot of dissapointments from my perspective. I ended all communication with him. 12 years later, I find myself comparing my husband to my dad when my husband didn't show up when I needed him the most. We are attending marriage counseling at this point and my feelings of abondonment came out without me even thinking. She had asked how I felt when my husband didn't show up the hospital when my son got hurt. I told her my mom was right and that when I needed him the most, he wasn't there for me.

In a nut shell, I still have some major issues I have to deal with. Since that appointment, I have reached out to my dad and asked if we could try to establish some sort of father-daughter relationship. I told him I'm trying to look at things from his point of view and if I ever sound harsh, to please let me know. His response: I expect you to be harsh. I was confused and said why and he said "all your life, you were taught to hate me and that I was no good and not responsible". I was shocked. He was correct and yet, I had no clue.

My mom did her best and her best was to try to protect me from getting hurt by the one man that she felt hurt her the most. In doing so, she set me up for failing if and when I ever did meet him.

I understand you feel that your husband doesn't love your daughter, but I'll bet it's the furthest from the truth, he's not running away from her, he's running away from a bad situation. I'd also bet that he's using her to get to you.

If you haven't already done so, try marriage counseling. It has opened my eyes up to a heck of a lot of things I was not aware of.

If you've already been down that road and one or both of you decide to go your own ways, do your daughter a favor and try to let go of the past. It will be hard to raise your daughter, but you can do it. Just try to teach her that he didn't run away from her, but in order to do that, you yourself have to fully beleive it as well.

Good luck.

Some people just can't handle anything that isn't somewhat technical and unemotional. You have a lot of good answers from moms here. I know how it hurts. At this moment your daughter is number one. But when this is all over (and it sounds like you hung in there in tried) and you are getting divorced. Learn from this. People give signs pretty quickly. Next person you meet pay attention to your guts and respond to the kind of guy who is not like your partner. Let yourself accept a person who is caring and emotional. Sadly, unless a miracle happens and I do hear them once in awhile, you need a person in your life who is supportive. In the meantime,I agree with this: turn to God. He is always there.

Of course you are angry. Is he not allowed phone calls at work? Will he get fired? That is something I could understand.

I would call him. I would ask him what happened to the ear plugs. I would also ask him does he care that his daughter had surgery and didn't call to find out about her. This is not nagging.
I am wondering why are you guys separated? Are you two working on the marriage... because it seems to me if you are not going to call him and talk to him and he is not going to call and talk to you.... then maybe it is time to stop being separated and consider divorce.
But then again, I don't know what is going on in your marriage. But I do hope it can be resolved.

Just guessing.... Is one of the reasons your marraige isn't working out because DH isn't a good father? How old is your daughter (toddler?)? Did he feed her, bath her and change her when she was an infant? Men do not have a lot of the natural instints that mothers do (worrying about the what ifs, etc). My guess is that he's really not a "hands on" type of father, and you know this. Of course you're angry. No one could blame you, but this is the person he is, for better or worse.

Good luck to you. Hopefully things will improve in the future.

Oh girl! I had the very same problem when my husband and I were separated. He said he'd give me money, didn't. I expected him to call to talk to our son, didn't. I expected him to call to make arrangements to come pick up our son to hang out, didn't. I empathize with you, but I'm sorry I don't have any advice. I am back with the husband now and regret it all the time, unfortunately no $$, no job, and no family to help me. Keep your head up for you child hon!

do you believe your vows? do you want to save your marriage? i would call him and tell him how you were hurt regarding him not calling to check in on his daughter. i would also explain how this can negatively impact her in the future if he isn't part of her life. have you spoken about this with your counselor yet? have you been going to couple counseling? sorry for all the questions, but just trying to see where you stand in the marriage.

i would be upset and pissed too. i don't think you're overreacting at all. the ball is in your court and can take control and hopefully help him understand the importance of him in not only in your life, but also your daughters.

good luck!

Dear TI, a very long time ago I was a single mom raising 2 kids a boy and a girl...my husband and I drifted apart and I felt so all alone...you have every right to be angry and hurt because when you both decided to have your child, your little girl was a part of you and your husband...I never could fully understand why my husband didn't want to have anything to do with the children...now he is up in age, needing help and he is all alone...I feel empathy for him, but it's too late, the children really do not want to have anything to do with him...the shoe is on the other foot and believe me, it hurts when you are in need and there is no one around to help you...it is wonderful that you have parents that can help you with your daughter...you are doing your best with taking care of your daughter...love her only as a mother can love their child...life changes, children do grow up and parents get older...my prayers are with you and may God bless you. Love, Jo

Hell no, you are NOT over reacting!!! Your husband is not a good father! You should get divorced. The good news is that you will have no problem getting full custody, since your husband doesn't care. I would get divorced and move on to someone else who gives a damn (or try marriage counseling, but I doubt he will change).