I Need Some Advice Please!

Use this as a teachable moment on giving! Find a local charity or shelter and have your daughter give the toys for children who won't get birthday or christmas presents. This may be a good tradition for her. Maybe she can pick out one gift to keep (if you even want to do that) and give the rest that she gets. What an awesome way to teach about those less fortunate!

J.,
This is B. (deaffmommie). I understand your frustration, But birthday parties and gifts seem to go hand in hand.

My daughter has done "fundraiser" type parties and her friends has donated baby clothes for the Chinese orphanages and we have had a Chinese Baby Blankie Making party where the girls made knot blankets to send to Chinese orphanages.

These types of parties "give back" but My daughter was older.

Are you more upset that she was thought of and her friends wanted to give her something from them, or more upset it seems like you "lied" to her?

Even when I had to cancel a party because my daughter was acting out so badly on the party day, her friends STILL came by and gave M her gifts from them.

I let her keep them.

I see this as a two way street.
1) you can let your anger boil over and confront yor friends, and possibly loose them. or
2) write a thank you note and express your "happiness" with their thoughtfulness of helping you to celebrate your child's birthday.
3) write a thank you note and return the gifts.

I think number three would be heartbreaking for your daughter.

Since she is just turned 5 years old its a huge concept you wish to teach.

You can talk to your daughter and explain how nice the friends were in bringing her a present. And you could allow her to choose one to keep and take the rest if you truly do not want her to have any of it back to the store or donate the gifts the a charity of your choice.

Grady Burn Unit would always appreciate toys for their waiting area and for the therapy rooms.

I also think you need to step back and view things thru your friends eyes. Why would a mother want no presents for their precious darling child? Surely she kidding. She won't mind a "little something" for "Susie".

I see this as yor friends and her little friends wanting to share a small part of themselves with your daughter,

Take a deep breathe and breath it out, then sit and compose thank you notes. There is PLENTY of time to teach giving back to your children.

I hope this helps.
B.
deaffmommie

Hi J.,
Unless you stated on the invitation the reason for no gifts, most people probably thought you were being considerate of them (the invitees) and I don't really know anyone who would go to a five year olds party without at least a small gift.

The next time - spell it out. Give a detailed explanation why you are making this request. Or have them make contributions to your daughter's favorite charity.

I think your daughter learned that her friends are generous. Now she can learn graciousness from her mother.

We have experienced similar problems at Christmas. We feel Christmas has come to be so much more about gifts and "things" that about the true meaning. All the excess seems really sad for a king born into a stable. Yet our requests that others visiting our home during the Christmas holidays please not make it about gifts have gone unheeded in the same way. Sadly, the painful reality is that people simply don't like their traditions tampered with. Most people likely felt you were trying to help reduce expenses for them in these difficult times. Perhaps if they had understood a little better your reasons, they might have been more inclined to heed your requests. I am sure they did not consider this nor that fact that such decisions tend to put those who did your heed your requests on the spot. I do not agree with the person who said it is a lot to ask of a five year old. SUch ideas that worth is determined by "stuff" and love is measured but gifts, start early and such mindsets are harder to change than prevent in the first place. Here is a suggestion for the next party, explain your reasons in greater detail. Keeping in mind some people struggle with not bringing a gift to a party (sad I know), throw a party with a theme for a charity. Advise in advance what it will be and that ALL gifts will go into pot for the charity. You can do charities such 'toys for tots', the Christmas shoe box (I think Samaritan's purse does this) or the International Rescue Committee. There are tons of charities that could benefit from this. Your daughter can even open the gifts if she wants and see what the person got for the charity. You can explain to her that afterwards, she can select her favorite (after guests leave) and take a birthday trip to Toysrus to get one for herself. This should make it fun for her to open the gifts and others to watch. It will also make it easier for her to part with them if she sees them as options from which she can select the kind of gift she wants from mom. In the meantime, I understand you are feeling somewhat betrayed by your friends. Why don't you print out your comments and show it to them explaining it created some feelings you found difficult to share.

J.,
Please don't fret! Your friends weren't trying to undermine your authority. Unless you told them your reasons before hand you should realize that they brought gifts out of love and caring for you and your daughter. My experience is that even when you ask for guests not to bring gifts they will anyway as we were all taught as children to be polite to our hosts and bring a gift when invited to a party. If you want to talk to your friends just explain your reasons in a matter-of-fact way without blaming them. When you tell them you may want to say something like "I know I didn't tell you my reasons for not wanting gifts and we truly appreciate your generosity, but I am trying to teach my girls to be thoughtful, socially responsible young ladies who are grateful for what we have without wanting more". You have two options as to what to do with the gifts- keep them or donate them to charity. If you donate them you may want to tell your friends what you plan to do so they aren't offended when they don't see their gift in the playroom when they visit.
A good idea for next year- ask your friends to bring a donation for a charity. My son has a chronic illness and I have done this in the past for the national organization that supports his illness. It teaches children to help others- and you can use it as a chance to teach your daughters about disability awareness (ie- we may look different on the outside but we are all the same on the inside)
Good luck! I hope this helps!
V.

I really dont know what to suggest to you. I just wanted to say that I am really sorry that your request was over ruled. I would talk with your friends like you said, and just tell them that in the future, please respect your choices. Good luck!

I don't think that people were on purpose trying to disrespect you....and it's never to early to teach values but remember what it feels like to give someone something that's just from you...on a daily basis you can give of yourself to your daughter as where her friends and their mothers can't so getting her something is a way that they are trying to express themselves in a celebration to say "I am thinking of you" when they got hr something. I think one thing before I tell anyone something I need to get off my chest....that is...will it change anything other then make me feel better and is this just about me feeling better while doing so am I going to hurt someone in return of saying something??? yes all that is what I ask....If it was me I'd let it go not get high blood pressure over it...then next year I'd ask for them to make a donation in your childs name to something of your choice and if they bring a gift anyway I'd have a basket waiting to put it in and give it to a shelter...period...at least you warned them in advance at that point again if you feel hurt you shouldn't you can give the gift away without opening it and put on the invite that any wrapped gifts will go in the donation basket for...whatever shelter you put down.
You never have to say anything, they know in advance that it's just a celebration and what to do with money they want to spend and if they get a gift you have prepared them for the basket treatment so this way you won't feel disrespected.
Just an opinion.

I did the same thing for my daughter's birthday last year. I spoke with all my friends before hand to explain the situation. Many didn't think it was right. So I told them, if they really felt like they needed to do something, they could donate 10 dollars to my daughter's college fund. Or even better, put the 10 dollars in their child's college fund. Most of them respected my wishes, but a few brought gifts anyway.
It is so good that you are teaching your daughter the importance of friendship and not the importance of material things. I think if you explain this to your friends they will undrestand for next time. They still might not agree with you, but out of respect they shouldn't bring gifts when asked not to.
Stay strong.
K.

Hi J.,
I read your post and I think it is a brilliant idea to share those lessons with your daughter, but I think that when you invite people to a birthday party but you ask for no gifts...it can be confused for modesty. Did I miss the part where you explained the life lesson that you were in the process of teaching your daughter?... because if you didn't explain that to your guests then your friends were thinking "there is no way I am going to show up at kid's birthday party and not take her a gift!" From my seat it didn't seem like disrespect to them, it just seemed like good sense. Your friends had no idea how passionately you felt about this...so instead of expecting them to ask you why you made that decision... maybe next time you should just volunteer it so you can avoid all of this. I think had that been explained I would have totally respected your feelings! I hope this helps!

With all due respect, I think you may be taking this a little too seriously. It's your daughter's birthday, it comes along once a year and that's what people do on birthdays, they give gifts. Maybe you should have had your daughter pick out a charity and have your guests donate to the charity in your daughter's name instead of no gifts at all. Personally, I don't think I could go to a 5 year old birthday party and not bring a gift.

Man, THAT didn't go as planned, did it? I think it stinks that not one person heeded your request. But, that NOT ONE person did, might indicate that your request was easily ignored. Perhaps change your wording next time and/or make the "no gifts, please" a separate phone call.

As far as how to address this year and the gifts, I agree that you can't very well expect a five year old to see wrapped presents that were bought for her and gracefully reject them. So, perhaps let her unwrap and enjoy -- then, a week or so later, go through her things and pick what toys she's going to give away to the local shelter or Goodwill. That way, there's still a lesson learned.

Addressing the debacle with the "no gifts" birthday party: With her, I'd sit her down and just explain what you'd wanted and your disappointment with what you'd gotten and end it with "I guess our friends didn't understand our plan. But, aren't you lucky that your friends care about you so much?" The thing she's lucky to have are the friends -- not the toys. With the friends' parents, a brief description of the lesson you'd hoped to teach and your disappointment at the way things had turned out. Then, ask their advice on how you might have done things differently -- for a different end result. Maybe their being "on board" regarding the trying to explain will bring about their understanding the reason and, in the end, future compliance and/or an apology (that you didn't solicit.)

You know your children best -- but I think I'd wait until a pre-teen or teen party to have a "no gifts" party. At this age it's still so much fun to have a party-just-for-me-and-cake-and-friends-and-PRESENTS. With mine, we really do go through her toys before birthday and before Christmas to find the things she can give to "children who don't have toys." I've been surprised by her generosity -- she's willing to give away more than I expect. There's still a lesson in that.

I think your asking too much from a 5 year old. Your friends were not disrespecting you as much as they were showing your daughter how much they love her. Unfortunately, we live in a society that expresses their love for another by buying something to represent that love. Its not prefect, its just the way it is. If you really want to have a party that doesn't have presents have a craft party. Tell everyone they need to only bring 20$ (just an example) for supplies and have everyone paint a flower pot and plant something that way they can give it to your daughter for the "present" or they get to take it home for a party favor. Have a party at 6 flags. Tell them your daughters present will be just being there. Thats what my husband and I did for our anniversary. We wanted to celebrate being "old married people" We did not want presents we just wanted to have everyone together. IT worked and we all had a wonderful day. I don't think you can expect people to come and celebrate the life of your daughter without an exchange of something. Hope my thoughts help.