Hi.. I really want to make friends with more people but don't know how and what to say. I met many people in church but it seems easy because usually they always come to me first, knowing I am new. I often go to the library and met some moms there, but I am not sure. Sometimes these moms come in groups, sometimes they looked so tired and some read the books. I really want to make friends because their kids are in the same with mine. I did ask( when there is a chance- like their son played with mine): Oh, your son is cute. Or, how old is your son? But that's it. There's no follow up. I never meet the same mom unfortunately :(( and I don't know what line to start friendship. I mean, would it be weird if I ask: What's your name? My name is ...
This question really disturb me recently, because we will attend family retreat for kids with craniofacial conditions. In Indonesia, I talked with parents via texting in Facebook, but never meet them in person. Looking at their website pictures, seems everyone has known each other. I am new. So I really want to know how to start a conversation that will lead to friendship. I am not good at reading body language, but for sure I don't want to force myself. How if these moms don't want to make friends with me, but they areobliged because I keep talking? In Indonesia, we get used to each other because everytime we meet, we always nods and smiles to stranger. However, my American friend told me not to do it here. She found it too disturbi,ng because she must do the same many times, even to strangers. So, I am really2 nervous now. I just want to be polite and nice, but I don't want to make these parents uncomfortable:( thanks mom
Bernie and Adansmama pretty much nailed it. I would add that I have never been offended by another mother at a kids function nodding and smiling at me. Usually when that happens I would walk over and say Hi. If I do not get a smile I tend to stay away!
Hi Mowmowci
Life experience has taught a few things on friendship
1. One or two good friends are far better than lots of acquaintances.
2. We loose friends as we grow through life, people change as does the friendship.
3. The most important lesson I learnt is making a new friend should never be forced. It should feel comfortable and like a natural connection.
If you feel all uncomfortable with someone than maybe the friendship is not meant to happen.
Be yourself and happy to be you.Conversation will then happen naturally.
Don't over think it .
All the best
B. k
aw poor thing! it's hard. i am not very good with making new friends either. you mention a group for kids with craniofacial conditions, have you looked online for a group in your area? that is where i would start. also since you are already involved in the church, join groups there and become more active. good luck! :)
Most cities or towns have play groups that meet up. Look on Meet Up.com and see what you can find. It should be easy to make friendships there because all of the moms are there for the purpose of meeting people and getting out of the house. Otherwise, enroll your son in gymnastics or a little park district class and maybe you'll meet someone. Good luck!
Your friend is wrong about nodding and smiling to strangers. It is fine to do here. Maybe a few people won't like it but who cares? Most will. I always think its nice when someone does this...I am a little shy with strangers myself so it is nice to see people who are not.
Also-I had kind of the same problem when my kids were very young-it was hard to meet mom firends. I ended up meeting some through Music Together and Gymboree. So maybe look for somthing like this. (assuming your child is very young) When my kids finally hit preschool I ended up meeting a lot more mom friends.
You might try Meetup.com. I belong to a playgroup that I found at that site. You could also ask around your neighborhood if there is a weekly playgroup in place (or head it up yourself). I have started to meet more people since there is a weekly playgroup at the park and the same people tend to come every week. The best way to meet new friends, though, I have found, is through friends you already have. If you have any friends, neighbors, aquaintances, co-workers, family or even husband/boyfriend's friends and their wives, invite them over for a BBQ, wine tasting, book club, Tupperware party, etc. You are bound to find someone you like. ALL my friends I met through another friend or my husband's coworkers.
Your friend is wrong about nodding and smiling. I smile at the moms I see at the library or park and it's a great way to start talking. It shows that you're friendly and interested in conversation. I think if you find a mom who responds when you start a conversation, just keep talking. If she's shy or doesn't have time to talk, she'll figure out a way to move away. But most people are happy to chat. And if you do end up talking with someone for a few minutes, let them know you're new in town and could use some friends for your son. You can then set up a time to meet at the library again or a nearby park. And then take it from there.
Ugh! I think your American friend doesn't know what she's talking about! How are you supposed to make friends if you're not friendly to strangers? Don't all friends start out as strangers, in the beginning?
What I normally did was, if I saw that my DD was getting along really well with someone else's child, and if the mom was really cool, we would exchange numbers to schedule a play date. It's totally normal & acceptable here.
A smile goes a long way. Some people (the miserable/paranoid ones) might find friendly gestures off-putting, but MOST people will always smile back.
Small town America is a little more friendly that big city America tho, I will say that.
I enjoy it when people say hello and smile at me, even if I don't know them. When I lived in the eastern part of the US, it wasn't done (not at that time, anyhow), but it is regularly done where I live now, and I like saying hello!
If your child is very young, you might see if there is a MOPS (Mothers of Pre-Schoolers) group near you.
Friendship is a funny thing. If what you want most is to have people like you, it's elusive. However, the more genuinely interested you are in *other* people, the more chance you have of making real friends. I am not especially outgoing, so I'm not very comfortable in a large group. However, I can enjoy being with one or two other women, getting to know them well.
Remember that most people have just one or two really close friends. The rest are more like acquaintances - great to have, but a little more distant in relationship.
Talk to other mothers about their favorite subject: themselves! They like talking about themselves even more than they like talking about their children!
You might think about talking to one of your church acquaintances, telling her about your wish to make friends and asking her if she could help you. Like fishing, sometimes you have to put out a lot of lines before you get a nibble. So keep liking yourself, being friendly, saying hello, and asking questions; the responses will come.
I personally would like it if you nodded and smiled to me each time...I do that with people. I noticed that different people are more or less comfortable with being openly friendly like this. I think it depends on what part of the US you are from and/or what your parents were like. I think introducing yourself to people is a great idea and then just chat and ask them about themselves. If you go to the same storytime at the library each week (or whatever you like to do) you will eventually see the same people there. If you feel like you especially enjoy talking to a certain mom you should ask her if she'd like to get together for coffee/tea or to meet at the playground or to have a play date for the kids at your house. I moved here 2 years ago and met some other moms that seemed nice and we all started a hiking group...so once a week we would all go on a little hike with our kids. This group is all too busy now, but I am still friends with all of them. I find I have to email people or set up a get together when I see them...make concrete plans to meet at the pool with the kids or go meet at a coffee shop or invite them over for lunch. Everyone is so busy in life you just have to take some initiative. Keep trying if it does not work out with a certain person...just keep talking to other people and eventually you will find someone who is really nice and wants to hang out. Good luck!
There is nothing wrong with saying hi I'm Mary, what's your name? I see our kids play well together ------ (pause) I'm new to the area would you like to meet at McDonalds where they have a play area and have coffee? (example)
Many times people join groups to meet new friends then shyness takes over and they only smile and nod or don't say anything. There is nothing wrong with saying hi nice to meet you --- oh your kids are so cute ---- how old are they ----- we should get together for a play date with the kids. ect....
Look for a Moms Club in your area. I did a quick online search for Tempe and found this: http://www.tempemoms.org/.
If that doesn't work, try to find/join a playgroup. I have made some wonderful friends that way...but you have to stick with it!
Oh, I've also made friends with the moms of my kids' classmates. During drop-off/pick-up, I just say, "Oh, my kid talks about your kid all the time! Why don't we get them together for a playdate? Here's my email." If they aren't interested, they won't email you, so no pressure on them.
Good luck!
The only thing that has truly worked for me is meetup.com, women's friendship groups and hitting it off with someone I meet in my daily life. The latter can be harder to come by.
Church is a great way to meet friends. Do you have a MOPS group there? (Mothers of Preschoolers-don't let the title fool you it isn't just for preschool age, all ages infant and up are usually welcome!) A women's bible study group usually also has young moms in it too.
When my son was 6 weeks old we enrolled in Gymboree classes that met weekly. Looking back I wanted him to be around other children his age, but it was a great way for me to meet other moms too! He is now 4.5 years old and we still have playdates with friends we met there. Along the way I stumbled across a couple of play groups that constantly have get togethers at local events. We have lots of neighbors with kids around my kids' ages. Keep nodding and smiling and casually talking to people. Eventually making friends will happen naturally! Good luck!
HTH,
A.
