I'm Looking for Some Really Serious Advice on Adult Children.

I agree with the tough love advice. I have experience with a bi polar dad and a severe ADHD- borderline personality disorder sister. I can tell you from experience until they hit their own rock bottom and realize they need help, they will not accept any and they will only keep taking and taking. If they are not on meds or in counseling, they should be, but believe me I know they probably don't think they have any problems and just want to play the poor me card and wallow in their disorder. Of course then there is the natural rebellious reaction of who do you think you are, I'm fin I don't need any help etc etc. I know how frustrating it can be!

Good news, my dad has been off meds for several years now and is living a productive life manic free!! My sister is also doing well, she has grown out of a lot of her issues. Although she still has some extreme emotions she can deal with them a lot better now! She is a great mom and her and I have become closer!

So my advice is don't try to be their friend, they will thank you for it later! I know how hard it is to watch someone you love make mistakes and mess up, but unfortunately they are adults and some people just have to learn things the hard way. Just keep loving them but don't let them walk all over you!

Hang in there, it won't last forever!

If you know you've tried your best to be a good parent to the twins, then don't feel bad about what they say. Know that it is either the mental illness or the drugs making them act out that way. Have you tried taking them to one of those Evangelical or real charismatic churches. The preachers at those churches are really good at reaching people with problems. That could probable help them be nicer. I am so sorry to hear about your younger child. Keep your chin up, and don't forget to pray and ask God to guide your actions, your words and your thoughts. Ask Him for strength to handle life's adversities. He will help you through everything. Just pray with lots of faith and hope. Take care.

Goodness, I don't have any advice for you. I would have to think that there is a group or program out there that could help your sons live on their own. Being bi-polar isn't a sentence to a disabled life (my step-sister is bi-polar). She works 3 jobs to raise her daughter...the family does help her out a bit, but she has to be responsible for herself. The right medication I know is the key. Having a health issue is not a free pass to sit at home, use drugs, and take advantage of your mother. One day you really are going to pass on and then how will they live if they don't start learning now how to now. Do you have a church when you can get help from a minister or pastor? Even if you don't belong to a church you can call one and ask to talk to a counselor or pastor. They will have all the resources to know who you can call to get help. Let us know what happens. {{{{hugs}}}}

I can sympathize with you and your position but please remember that you have raised the twins for 21 years and now they are adults. Put them out, let them seek help for their bi-polar disorder and if they choose to take the meds and take them they will do fine, many do well then get off the medicine and then stop taking the medicine and it's a lifelong repetitive cycle. Take yourself out of the picture as you did your job.

I pray your youngest son gets the necessary help and you can go back to work soon.

As for the older twins they can be put in a half-way house to live if necessary, don't let them drain you financially, physically or emotionally. Take care of yourself and make sure you are safe. Make your home safe from them.

If they want to hate someone let them hate themselves or dad.

V. S.

I had the same problem only with a grand-daughter I had raised. She also blamed me, stole from me, at 18 yrs. of age she just wanted money. Lied, stole things to pawn... these boys need to be out own their own. I feel so foolish that the grand-daughter pulled my chain for over a yr. Once I kicked her out and cut off the money... it's been a year now, and I have no idea what all she's been into and don't want to; but as of today, she has an apartment and a job. Still no money from me.... first she thought that would soften me.... but I have stool my ground.. she calls and we talk.. enough; for me NOW.... she had to take responsibility for her actions. One day she will return.. but if not; it's her loss; not mine. I did the best I could at the time and parents need to quit saying "I'm sorry"and I'm not saying I'm sorry anymore. I put in my time....... now they need to get out and do their thing. You have another child who needs YOU---- Cut the ties with those two boys...... You did the best you could with what you had at the time.... Enjiy some life without the two of them!!! Good Luck! I didn't say it doesn't hurt... but everyday you get stronger.... everyday gets better... I promise. Change the locks and protect yourself and your other child who needs YOU.

Can they go to type of transitional housing for disabled adults? I know this will be difficult if they are not willing to go and/or abide by the rules of such a place (plus they are hard to get in to, I am sure). If you have a younger child you need to also look at what is best for that child, and if that child has health problems than I know it can make things difficult. I suggest looking for help through the Health and Human Services agencies - DADS, DARS, etc. and see what services might be available to you - if you offer help to your children and they refuse it - you are not abandoning them - they are choosing to not help themselves. Bipolar is a tough disease but they still have a bit of free will especially when on meds - so don't feel too guilty if you can't meet their needs. I mainly want to offer you support and that someone cares - and keep in mind they are adults and you should not sacrifice your third child who needs you for the sake of the twins who don't seem to want to help themselves - and also remember that mentally ill people can be dangerous so I also would not hesitate to call the police if they threaten you - sometimes through legal intervention help can be obtained. Take care and God Bless you and your family.

I have read some of the replies you have received, and now I would like to give you something to think about as well.
I have been married to a man for five years who was diagnosed with Bi-polar disorder. When I first met him, I did not know, but eventually came to find out on my own. He lives a very normal life, when he is on his medications(key word being"when"). He is a grown man and I cannot stand over him everyday to make sure he takes his medication, on top of that, he drinks on a daily basis and has been warned by doctors not to mix too much alcohol with his medication. They told him it was okay to drink in moderation, when he drinks, his whole mood changes and he becomes angry and can snap at the slightest little thing, breaking things in the house house, name calling, speeding off in his truck drunk, trying to have sex with me(sometimes forceful). We are currently going through a divorce, I have had a protective order put against him, and he can no longer have any contact with me.
My point is that your two 21 year old sons could hurt you if you do not do something about it. They are not disabled, this is a chemical imbalance in the brain that can be controlled with medication and they can function like normal human beings once they are on the right medications, but you need to be aware that they are capable of hurting the ones they are closest to and sometimes that can be very dangerous and almost deadly(beleive me, I know). So, you might want to take the advise of one of your respondants and have the locks changed or get the proper help that they need before it's too late. I'm sure you do not want to become another statisic, it is not your responsibility to take care of them any longer....you have done your job, now it's their turn to do their's(grow up and be men), take responsibility for their own actions, provide their own living, and live their own lives. They can function normally with the right help, but they also have to want to, otherwise, it's hopeless!
Good luck and God Bless!!!

Are your boys involved in any type of program?? PADAP is a good family program for young adult that have behavior or drug problems. Most people that have used drugs have an underlying issue such as being bi-polar. These are all serious issues and you should see professional help for both you and your family

Wow, you really have your hands full. I'm not exactly sure why your twins are considered disabled. If they are capable of going out partying and doing drugs, it seems like they could work. There are many functual bipolar adults out there. You definetly need to seek out counseling. What city do you live in? If money is an issue, you may want to consider the Dr. Phil show. I know you hate to expose your dirty laundry but at this point your life has been threatened. And one more thing...under no circumstances should you give them another dime. They should earn every cent they need. I speak from experience. My 24 year old son is an addict and possibly bipolar. He was never cruel to us or disrespected us but I can tell you from experience enabling a young adult is the worse thing you can do. My son is very bright but struggled through college because of ADHD/addiction to his adderall and marijana. We sought out counsling. It was a tremendous help but in the end in came down to him having to get out of the house and working and paying for his last semester of school himself. We told him we could do nothing more for him. Only he could help himself. Well he is living on his own, working 30 hours a week & paying his own rent, & finishing his last semester of college. I'm sure there will be bumps in the road but we can't help anymore. He has to figure it out for himself. Your boys can get a job bagging groceries. If I were you, I would get them out now. Pay one month of rent for an apartment. That's it. If they become homeless they become homeless. They are 21. You do not need this aggravation in your life, especially while dealing with your ill child. I think you are making excuses for them. My heart goes out to you. Good luck.
PS. Change the locks on your home. Get an alarm. If they are on drugs, they will break in and steal from you. Also, they may not be Bipolar. Drugs can camouflage any mental disorder.

I don't have adult children, but my mother-in-law is going through a similar situation. She had her daughter go to counseling (which didn't really work) and then had to cut her off financially. The counselor told her it would be best. After cutting her off, she gave her an ultimatum. She changed the locks on the house and refused to give her daughter the key. When she through a fit about it, my mother-in-law responded once again with the ultimatum. "Curfew, respect, or nothing." This didn't really seem to work at first, but once her daughter saw how hard it was to get along without my mother-in-laws support, she gave in. She still doesn't have a key, she got a job, and my mother-in-law has her come home at 2a.m. on weekends and midnight during the week. I don't know if this makes a difference, but it's worth a shot!! Good Luck!

They are both young adults now. The question is, do they have jobs? Whether they have ADD, or bi-polar, they should get a job to support themselves. Hard love is what they call it. Don't give them money, don't give them rides to where they need to go, don't pay their car payments or their insurance or moeny for gas if they have cars. I know it would mean ruining your credit if this is the case, but what is 7 years of bad credit verses trying to teach your children values in life. We are not here to be their friends, we are here to be their parents. You won't have to throw them out, eventually they will leave and see the real world and come back when they see the light that is wasn't so bad at home and mom was right. I am sorry to sound so negative, but it just pisses me off that kids try to run all over their parents now a days. My parents were tough on me as a child and a teen. I started working at 16 so that I could buy the things that I wanted, and at that age all you cna think about is what kind of people are these and call them all kinds of names. Well at 37, I am so grateful my parents did this to me. I believe I have turned out to be a great human being and responsible. I am very stern with my children now, but to an ceratin point. I do tell them that I love them all the time but I do remind them how this world is cruel and nothing is for free in life. I tell them how hard they need to work on their schooling because when it comes time to college, they will have to work at getting good grades so they can have nice things later on in life because they did it on their own. Good luck I.! Remember, you are not their friend, you are their mother, the hardest job in the world!