In-laws - Phoenix, AZ

I have an in-law too, he isn't that nice.
If you want him to stop you should sit him down somewhere and have a talk with him for what he is doing.
If that doesn't work tell him if he doesn't stop what he is doing you can just leave (say it in a nice way though)

T.,

I can kind of realate to those things. I'm not married or even with my son'e dad, but the other side of the family spend time with my son. Can I ask you a question? Get back to me so we could talk.

H.

Wow! I feel for you. I don't have any great advice, except maybe to move about 30 miles away so it's harder for them to interfere, but you can be close enough when you need/want to be...

Hi T.-
I dont know how you deal with that?? It sounds like you have them a big part of your family?? I agree with the mom from Chandler in we have had SO many fights about my husbands family..His mother for our wedding only ordered pictures of him and her or him and our son..The only reason she ordered a pic with me in it is because she was in it...I know most husbands arent like mine in the sense that I basically told him we are not seeing her and if he wants to see her he can go with my oldest son (she only wants to see our daughter)..I hope you did not put your kids in the costumes your sister in law bought??? You need to put your foot down and tell them this is unacceptable that those are your children and not theirs if they want to be apart of their lives that they need to respect you and your family..Or move 1900 miles away like I did..It works wonders!!!!
If you need to talk I have MANY in law stories...
M.

Hi T.-
I REALLY feel for you and totally understand! My M-I-L has always treated me terribly. I'm going to give you some advice that is difficult but works well- Stand up for yourself! They sound like they're treating you like a doormat- You're NOT one. You're probably being TOO NICE and my guess is that they'll treat you better and have a lot more respect for you if you hold your ground a little more. For instance, don't be afraid to say, "I wanted to let you know I heard you calling yourself 'mommy' to my girls and that makes me really uncomfortable because I'm their mom. I'm just going to have to ask you to not do that anymore." As for your S-I-L... I would give her a call and tell her straight out- "I'm really hurt you didn't include me in any of the pictures..." Go straight to her and tell her how you feel. Don't back down. In addition, your husband needs to stick up for you. It's a matter of love and respect and he should ALWAYS have your back with his family.

I was exactly the same way with my in-laws until my daughter was born. I was soooo fed up with then I'd told my husband they would never be allowed to see her unless they started treating me with the respect I deserve. I stopped being too nice- and guess what? It worked! His mother and sisters are extremely nice to me now- they're always talking aobut what a great wife and mother I am and they're very respectful of my house, my family, and the decision we make.

There is a way to be nice and have a backbone at the same time- it's hard, but it gets much easier and makes a huge difference! I hope this helps! Please email me if you have questions or want to talk more about this :-).

HELLO T.,
FIRST THING IS HUGS! BECAUSE YOU NEED THEM.... I LIVE NEXT TO MY IN LAWS.... AND IT HAS IT UP AND DOOOOOWWWWNNNNNS!
I HAVE HAD THE SAME PROBLEM AND I TELL THEM..... YOU HAVE RAISED YOUR CHILDREN AND NOW IT IS MY TURN AND IF NEED HELP I WILL BE SURE TO ASK YOU........

DOES YOUR HUBBY HAVE YOUR BACK...... SEND HIM IN AND HAVE HIM TELL THEM .... THAT IS WHAT I DID............THE FIRST TIME I HAD A PROBLEM I JUST PUT EVERYTHING ON BACK BURNER.... AND WHEN THEY BOUGHT STUFF FOR MY BABIES I WOULD JUST PUT IT AWAY AND SAY I FORGOT ABOUT IT....... OWELL........ 2 GREAT SAYINGS IS I FORGOT AND OWELL ............ AND JUST AVOID THEM AT ALL COST.... BUT I WOULD BE SICKING THEIR SON ON THEM...........
TELL HIM YOU MARRIED HIM NOT THEM AND HE DEALS WITH THEM NOT YOU!

IT WORKED FOR ME......... MY HUNNI USED TO SAY WELL WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME AND I SAID CAUSE YOU SIT THERE AND LET THEM DO WHAT EVERY THEY WANT.......... AND I AM NOT HAPPY SO WHY THE HELL SHOULD YOU BE!

TELL THEM TO LEAVE ME AND THE KID ALONE AND I WILL LEAVE YOU ALONE............. AND IT WORKED....... TOOK A BIT BUT IT WORKED......... THE MORE THEY LET GO THE MORE I WOULD INVOLVE THEM IN MY IDEAS...... AND IT MADE THEM HAPPY............

GOOD LUCK AND I FEEL FOR YA!
LET ME KNOW HOW YOU ARE DOING!

Hi T.~

I know what yor going through. If you would like I would love to talk to you in person. You can call me at home ###-###-####.

My MIL is the same way and I have been dealing with it since my husband and I have been together and just recently I had my last straw with her. So please give me a call and we can meet and have coffee at a park or I can come to your house or you can come to mine. I know talking helps. It helped me in my situation.

Here to help,
C.

I know you have gotten lots of responses, but I feel like I am reading my own story in your questions. I have been married for almost ten years, and things have always been rocky with my in-laws. My mother in law was ugly from the minute we became engaged and things have not gotten better since. It got so bad that I saw personal attacks everywhere, and most of the time they were not imagined, but I found myself becoming overly sensitive to the hurtful things they did, and decided that everything they said or did was to get at me. The more I complained about it to my husband though, the worse it got. He quit talking to his family, not because they were being ugly to me but because I was making his life miserable and he didnt take things as literally as I did or see things the way I did. It was almost as if he didnt believe me when I complained constantly that they were hurting my feelings. Then one day, my mother in law and sister in law conspired to keep my family (mostly me) from his dad's wedding (mother in law and and my husbands father are divorced). We got pictures of a wedding where every one of his children were there except him. Then it suddenly seemed that I wasnt so crazy. Their mistake was made when the mess affected him direcly. Now he is not putting up with it any more, and things have gotten so much better. I think that in this world where divorces happen more than marriages, it is easy to look at marriage as expendable and that the core family group is the only ones you can count on because at some point the spouse may be gone. Once your husband lets them know that your marriage will not end NO MATTER WHAT, then things change, but slowly.

My advice to you is to make your husband your ally, not your dumping ground. Once we were allys, things changed. My second piece of advice is to not wear your feelings on your sleeve. For one, it makes you see offenses everywhere, even when they arent intended, and secondly, it gives your in laws control over what you feel. If making you angry, sad, or upset is the purpose of their uglyness, reacting that way gives them just what they want, and then you loose. Every tear you cry or angry moment you spend gives them control over that tear or moment. I am still struggling to make peace with the past and not be so sensitive to their uglyness. But I tell myself everyday that they have to own their choices, I dont. If they choose to be ugly, I can choose to let it roll off of me with grace and beauty. I dont have to let them affect how I choose to be...

Hi T.,
Boy can I relate!!! It sounds like we need some kind of a support group regarding meddling in-laws! The first year and a half of our marriage was horrible ~ thanks mainly to my mother-in-law. We've been married fourteen years now, so hang in there, be persistant WITH your husband and work on the problem together with him.
Is your husband TRULY AWARE of the problem and does he see it as a problem? This is very important! I'd talked with my husband about how his mom (& siblings) treated me and how they made me feel on several occassions. I think he heard me but never really saw/understood it until, on the way to her house one day (after over a year of marriage)I asked him to PLEASE watch what happens while we were there (prior to this, he'd only gotten my version of what happened, and I'm sure he thought I was being overly sensitive. On the way home, he said, "Honey, I am SO sorry, I never realized it was that bad." Sometimes men, bless their hearts, can be completely oblivious. Also, in-laws can be very skillful at hiding their behavior from our spouses! So, really talk with your hubby and, if he hasn't actually seen it with his own eyes while it's happening, ask him to be more observant regarding his family's actions.
Another suggestion, that may sound terrible, is just don't go around his family. I was usually the one who took our son to see Grandma because my husband worked a LOT of hours. My son would ask to stop in to see Gma when we were out and about doing errands, etc. One day he asked if we could and I said no. Of course he asked why and I just told him because Gma isn't very nice to Mommy sometimes. He said, but she's nice to me and I said yes, she is and that is why Daddy can take you to see her when he has time.
The reason I did this AND told my son is because some of us tend to be doormats for our families. It causes us to doubt ourselves and wreaks havoc with our self esteem. So, I wanted my son to know that yes, we love our family and yes we accept them for who and what they are, but we do not have to continually put ourselves in a position that makes us feel bad. Grandma knew she wouldn't ever get to see her grandson if she relied on Daddy to take him for visits, so she'd check herself and be nice.
The thing is, I really didn't care if they liked me. Of course I would have loved that they did and if we'd have all gotten along, but that wasn't the case, so I moved forward from there. The thing I cared about was that they were respectful to me to my face and in front of my child, so when she acted appropriately, I just "smiled and nodded", and when she reverted to being nasty and snide, I'd stop the visits. It was a constant cycle until our son was about five years old...when we moved 1200 miles away!
Sorry for rambling on and on, I hope it helps though. Let us know how it goes! The holidays are a great time for you hubby to observe by the way. ;o)
Good luck!!!
S.
P.S. Feel free to send an e-mail if you want to talk. I'll reply to it with my phone number if you'd like.

You seem so sweet. I would have freaked out already. You hubby needs to step in and tell his mom first of all that you are their mother not her. That would make me so angry! He needs to have your back hon. My mother-in-law baught my daughter her first Easter dress. Well that was very important to me and I wanted to buy the first one. So I flat out told her that "no, I am buying her Easter dress." Thank God she understood but I am a very blunt person and I will tell you what I think. I would just flat out say I am their mother. You had a chance to raise your kids now it's my turn. If you have a problem or something to say then say it to me. I would not put up with that. That would get confusing for the children having their grandmother tell them that she is their mom! You stick in there hon. If you want I can come there and help you. :):)
Just a little humor for you. Hope things work out.

L.

This is a touchy situation. I too have in-law problems but not as bad as you. My mother-in-law is insistant that we do certain things and repeats her self over and over. She is however loving and accepting of me. I try to be respectful and talk to my husband about certain issues when it comes to his mom. He however is not good at it himself and basically says shes old and just let her talk! She is 50! I try to keep peace and carefully think about what I tell her before speaking. We have had more arguements about his family than anything so I can relate. It may help to vent your frustartions to others and if you can talk to them great that would also help. Feel free to message me if you like. I have a 2 and 3 year old! I am in Chandler.

Good Luck
A.

Hi T.,
Boy do I know how you feel. I have in-law problems your wouldn't believe. It has taken 3 years for my husband to finally stand up to them. My advice to you is sit down with your husband first, if he isn't already aware of the problem make him aware. Discuss together how to deal with it--Will they listen if you had a conversation with them or do they need a more drastic signal like moving to get away from them. When you do talk to them make sure you and your husband are on the same page and that he does a lot of the talking. I have made this mistake-if you do most of the talking and tell them how much it annoys you when they buy costumes without checking with you, the grudge and the hatred toward you will only grow your husband absolutly needs to be a part of it and if no resolution can be made.
The most important thing to realize in all of this is you need to find out where the line is, have they crossed it, how far beyond the line has it gone, and figure out when to "cut them off". My husband and I finally had to sit down and tell them that "This is our life, this is how we choose to raise our kids. We are the parents. You can choose to respect our decisions, respect my wife and accept it or don't be a part of our lives." I know that is extremely hard to say to anybody, but that is finally what it took to get through my inlaws mind.
I hope I have helped-please feel free to send me a message if you would like to talk or want more specifics of what my in-laws have done.
I wish you the best of luck and hope it all resolves soon!
R.

T.,

I hear you on that, my mother n law is crazy. As long as your husband is on your side you should be good. I just put my foot down with mine. My father n law and her have been divorced for 19yrs and she can't seem to be in the same room with him and expects us to host 2 seperate birthday parties NO I am not divorced there for we have one party and one only. She also likes to call him names and stuff in front of me or on the phone with me, I finally told her the day she says anything to my daughter will be the last time she sees her, and I don't want to here it either. I think he is a good man. So if I were you put your foot down this is your family and your feelings.

H.

Hi T.~ I feel for you. I had a mother-in-law just like that - well just about - not anymore - thank goodness. Anything nice she did for us was a very "expensive shirt" off her back - if you know what I mean. You and husband need to be on page and confront her - both of you. Your husband needs to speak up and tell her that when she wants to buy stuff for your children such as costumes, she should call you directly and ask first. If she's shopping and sees something she likes she needs to have the courtesy of calling you and asking if the children have or it you were planning on buy it or if it would be okay to get for the children. As for the funeral - that's down right rude. Your husband should've said something to her. Maybe right now is not the time but your husband needs to find the time, along with you, and tell his mother that that was wrong. At the time of confrontation you need to express to her that it does hurt your feelings, and tell her what you don't like. It's best to write it down on paper so you don't forget. Also express to her that you are not asking her to step out of your lives just to be a bit more courteous towards you. You and your husband need to be in unison and stop it before it gets worse. It may be because her husband is gone, I don't know the situation. It does have to be done together... or it spirals out of control and then you'll have alot resentment. You can also go to Dr. Phil.com and find out if he has some solutions as well. Good luck and take care, L.

I dont have any advice but I just wanted to say that I can understand your situation and it is really hard to deal with in-laws sometimes. I live with mine currently and though they are nice people they have a tendency to take over what I am doing as if it were their responsibility and I am doing in wrong. If my son cries and I am on my way to take care of him my mother in law steps in and takes him away. It makes me feel like I am not a good mother. All you can do is be strong because it hurts a lot and its hard but you married your husband because you love him and that is what is important. Stay strong and know that there are a million of us out there that understand your pain and know that you can make it through. Good luck.

Hi T.,
Basically in-laws can be a difficult situation. We have a controlling step mother in law. She is a bit much to deal with. I'm learning to set boundaries and to do what is right for my daughter so that's the only advice I can give you for now. Good luck with this it is sooooo frustrating but hang in there.

Deb

Dear T. R,
Perhaps you might ask your husband if he would mind it if you took all the photos of him out of your family photo album and cut his picture out of any family portraits that contained him. Ask him if he would feel a bit excluded?
Say this gently and with a soft smile pasted onto your face. It may take a bit of practice. "neurotypicals" are very sensitive about physical body language, and the "impressions" that you are giving them. Those of us with Autism do not ususally use these in social communicaton and have to really "THINK HARD" when we are speaking with "neuro typicals" for they more often that not never actually say what they want to say, and are really lying.
Just as your In-Laws are acting in every manner to exclude you from every family activity, evenin your own familyand home. Perhaps trying to get your husband to stick up for you and "Honor"you as his mate and friend and partner in life, and the Mother of the children the 2 of you had together? If not, you may consider a good divorce lawyer? Or marriage therapist? Perhaps HIS ideal of marriage is not the same as YOUR idea of what a marriage should be? Sorry for making this so long. Linda G.

Hey T.,
I come from the stand of personal responsibility. Since you can not control what they will say/ do... the only thing you can do is change what you will say/do. Time to communicate to them what is not working. Communicating so they will not feel threatened and be open to what you are saying is an art form very few have mastered. It takes lots of self-discipline and practice. Right now, they are treating you/ your family a certain way. It is up to you to communicate/ demonstrate how you want to be treated ( i know it seems obvious to you - and may not be so obvious to them).. If they are unwilling to do anything different - you get to at least feel great about standing up fro your self. Also, since it is "In -laws" when your husband starts communicating to his mom/ family out of respect for you, that will allow an opening for things to change quickly. However, that is putting responsibility on your husband, not on you. Therefore my perspective is to always take personal responsibility and to focus only on what you can do. Hope this assists you. Lisa

Hi T. ~

It is a difficult situation. Many of us feel the same way you do. I have a million and one stories I could tell you & everyone about. It took me a while, but here is what I figure out:

I am sure my mother-in-law sometimes feels the same way I feel about her. She has her way of doing things (and the way she raised her kids), and there will always be a conflict of mother-in-law vs. daughter-in-law. I have learned just to be laid back (even though it's hard at times) and just accept her and the way she wants to do things.... after all it's just a temporary thing. Ultimately, you are the MOM (you & your kids know it) and the majority of the time it's your way. Don't worry about the small stuff. Just be accepting of her and know that she only has the best intentions. Chances are she is not out to get you.

All the best,
T.

Hi T.,
In laws can be tough! Since it is your husbands family he should step up to the plate and set some boundaries. You guys got married and that means you are his priority over his extended family. Make sure that you communicate to him how you feel, whats been going on and can both come to an agreement on how to handle the situation. Emphasize that you don't want him to chose between you and his family but simply to be the priority as you should be and for him to stand up for you. Ie. when your sister in law called about the costumes then he should tell her I appreciate the thought but my wife is already buying costumes for our kids or I don't appreciate you guys leaving my wife out of the pictures at dads funeral, that hurt her and I both. etc etc.
Stay encouraged!

I have the same issues with my mother-in-law, she has never accepted me, she has pictures of all the other kids with their families, but absolutely none of us (she even showed up to our wedding and took pictures, you couldnt see us in any of them and she hasnt once put one up). I dont have any really good advise, but in our experience, my husband had finally had enough of being stuck in the middle of his mom and his wife, and he ended up having a talk with her and she blew up and they didnt talk again until she "could learn to accept me and my kids (she doesnt look at any of my children as her grandchildren, except for my son)" anyways, after she blew up they quit talking for about a year and now they have started talking again, only because she has started to accept me (we've been together 3 1/2 years, married 1)and at times we still feel like she's just pretending.

I know its hard for you and for him, him because he's caught in the middle. I would just suggest you all sit and talk. Let her know how you feel and that she needs to back off a little (with your children) she needs to be a grandparent and not so much a "parent". Sorry for the long story...I just know exactly how you feel.
JUST TALK...IT CAN HELP.

You are not alone!! I wonder if your husband is the middle child, or has only sisters.. My in-laws treat me the same way. Have a talk with your husband and tell him how you feel, and that it's really important to you that his side of the family at least 'show' you some respect. He's the only one that can talk to them convincingly, and make it seem like it bothers him, not you, that they treat you this way. If the family doesn't respond positively to your husband's request, maybe you need to distance yourselves from them for a while. Your mother-in-law can't buy the kids costumes if she hasn't seen them in a while! When she wonders why you've been missing just have your husband let her know that he doesn't feel comfortable being around her because of her treatment of you. He has a new family now, a wife he loves, and a great mother of his children, and that needs to be acknowledged by her. Hopefully this will do something to better your situation, if not, then the distance thing is my alternative suggestion. Maybe the family needs a year or two of your families absence in order to appreciate all of you. Good luck, and hang in there. Your husband's opinion and love for you is what really counts, not his relatives. :)

The only person who can change this is your husband. You need to talk to him and let him know how your feeling.. I hope he makes it a point to correct this situation & make it better for you.

Wow, I know what you mean. My in-laws never liked me and always thought that their way of raising children was better and that my way was just plain wrong! They were always undermining my authority with my son and making rude comments about me. One day it all blew up and my husband finally decided that our family was better off without his sisters! The first year or two of our marriage was not easy at all because of them, and now that we haven't spoken for 3 years, I have to say that our marriage is so much stronger than it ever has been. My husband finally realized that they weren't going to stop, and it was only hurting our relationship. We have a daughter that they haven't even known since she was a cuple of months, now she is 3. Sometimes it is just better to remove yourselves from a damaging relationship with in-laws.

Hi T.,
Just talk to them. Whenever something happens clear it right away. Tell them it hurts you, that is the best way to go about it, just be honest and vulnarable. Also your husband could speak up for you.
G.

Hi T.,
I know how you feel. But instead of inlaws it's my parents that are the problem. My husband and I did not want to buy my son his first easter bakset this year because he was too young to have fun with it. I told my mom this and she went and bought him one. I was furious. I had wanted to get him his first one next year and she knew it. They are always trying to buy him things before we can. I finally told them to back off, and that they were allowed to get him gifts, but not anything that would be his firsts (like halloween costumes and christmas ordiments). My mother was upset, but it was better than me beinging mad everytime they did something.

First of all - lots of hugs for you and your family. I am the mother/mother-in-law and I just love being with my family so much that I try to do everything to ease the work load for my daughter-in-law. I love giving the children hugs and love knowing that they want to stay with me and probably get away with a lot more than they would normally. We, as grand parents, don't mean any harm by this and our hearts would break if we thought our deeds were not necessarily welcomed, but you know what, I would want my daughter-in-law to talk to me openly about her feelings. I could back off and try to be a better mother-in-law first and then a loving grand mother. So communicate with your daughter-in-law. Let her know that you want to talk and even tell her what bothers you about your relationship. She should be willing to accept you and your ideas with open arms.

You're living my life! I was able to move away from my SIL though & my problems stopped. If they go through hub, have him send them to you-you're making the final decisions on clothing & stuff like that. My hubby honestly couldn't care what our kids wear-that's my job.
You can't fix the memory board & I'm sorry that happened to you. I bet that was just what you needed while you were mourning a family member, to have more hurt added.
I've chalked my problems up to jealousy & control. My SILs kids are grown up & frankly, quite rotten. One "grownup" told my SIL to shut the F*** up. I figure since she lost control of hers long ago, she's trying again with mine. Kind of like she's trying to re-raise her kids through me-since she made some mistakes with hers she wants mine to raise & not make those mistakes. Not cool! I realized though that when my hubby was deployed the first time I let them have that control-I was overwhelmed w/a 2 YO, a deployed hubby & a baby on the way. I had to take control back. Think back & be honest w/yourself-was there a time that you might have asked for help & when they kept helping & started helping too much, did you stop them or just bottle it up? We had to sit the entire family down to dinner out (my house or theirs wouldn't work, needed to be neutral turf) & explain our problem & what needed to be done to fix it. I got the cold shoulder for a while, but at least I was in charge of my family again. Jealousy-again, my kids aren't perfect but they're better behaved at 5 & 8 than hers are as grownups. I have a very supportive hubby (hers wasn't around mentally & emotionally-& sometimes physically-while their kids were small), I'm happy in my life & how it's going right now. I think a part of her is jealous that things are coming easier for me than they did for her.
Look back, see where you let them have control. Take them out to dinner-SIL & MIL separately though-and take your control back. If they want to do for your family, that's fine-they need to ask where & when their "doing" is appropriate.
I was unhappy for several years because of the way I let my SIL treat me. Once I bought a doormat & stopped being one, I felt tons better about myself.
Good luck!! I hope things get better for you.