In-laws Visiting After Baby Is Born

My in-laws came a bit before the baby was born, and stayed for a month. I appreciated every moment of it! I can't imagine NOT having all those people around. It's a lifesaver.

My other were 2, 3 and 5 at the time. So, you are very lucky you can get all that family to be around. :) I wish mine could have stayed way longer.

This is why they think you're crazy:

You're turning down:

- 3 meals a day being cooked for you.
- Live in house cleaners
- 24/7 nap givers (as in ANY time you're tired, just go to sleep, if the baby needs feeding they'll bring him, but they've got him and the older ones for you the rest of the time)
- Errand runners
- Obnoxious Guest Shoers or intermediaries (so you never have to entertain when you're tired or feeling icky)
- Priest Dealers (hehehe, this is a fun one related to the catholic church that may or may not apply in your case)
- Husband Head Smackers (What are you doing, popi?!?! You don't just leave to be with your friends!!! Your wife, she needs you!)

Why you think they're nuts, is that you're seeing THEM as the obnoxious guests you'll have to cook for, clean for, entertain when you're exhausted.

They want to come early for the transition. (To slowly start taking over/ aka let you show off your mad skills -and how you like things done- then the slowly start sending you to put your feet up, take a nap, take your older one to do whatever, etc... Until they've got 100% of the household management, and you are just focused on healing, your new baby, and your husband. Then, last month, the transition happens in reverse.

The CUE for 3rd month transition is you asking MIL to teach you to cook like her.

She starts teaching (aka, you start cooking with her) then you slowly start taking over.

Once you're doing everything again? They leave.

I'm totally with you. YOU are the one having a baby, NOT him. YOU are the one that will have to deal with all the changes in your body, the bleeding, the cramping, the new breastfeeding, the sleep issues, etc. NOT him. HE needs to be catering to your every whim during that time. I don't think there is any room for negotiation here (why should you??), I think it's an absolutely absurd idea to have that many people in your home, and beyond your comfort, that's not even healthy for a brand new baby! Baby needs time to adjust!

I say, not no, but HELL NO. If it were me, I'd put my foot down, hard, and tell him his family can come when you and baby are adjusted and feeling well. If they can't understand that, then it's on them.

Stand your ground, momma, this is what's best for you and for baby.

Holy cow - way too many people and way too soon. I think this is a situation where if he's not listening to you, you need to "pull rank" - you're the one pushing out and feeding a baby, and you're the one who has done this before and knows what you need. Sit him down and tell him in gory detail that you will be leaking all manner of bodily fluids from every part of your body - sweat, blood, breastmilk, tears (throw in a little incontinence for good measure). Ask him to think back to the last time he had the flu or stomach virus, some time where he felt not only unwell but undignified, and ask how he'd like to have had your parents in the house during that time. Let him know that you need this time as a family for your body to heal, to establish a good breastfeeding routine, and to get your feet under you. That you infant shouldn't be exposed to the germs of an additional 6 people in the house. And that yes, during this time HE will have to help you. That having his family come doesn't relieve him of any duties. That he needs to trust you on this, that you know what you need and that the right time for his family to come is a few weeks out. That after a few weeks, you'll be able to truly welcome them into your home and enjoy them.

If they insist on being there in the beginning, I would then tell your husband that they can stay at a hotel and visit you in the hospital. Not stay at your house, not be there at the birth, not stay for days and days. Either visit briefly in the beginning or wait a few weeks and come when you're ready. How long are they planning on staying? Don't they have school and work to attend?

This is one of those things that can ruin a family relationship. You are going to have to be extra careful when trying to come up with a solution. I see a few options here....

1. His whole family can come, but they stay in a hotel or maybe some other arraignment. He though is responsible for entertaining them.

2. His mom can come now (which is more traditional in the Mexican community), but sister and brothers family have to come at a different time.

3. Or, you don't fight this fight, let them come, but make sure it is known that your room is a safe zone. No one but him may enter it and you are free to get up and leave without hurting anyone feelings. It will be his job to keep them out.

I always go with #3, but I bounce back really well and knowing I can escape really helps. Since this is your second you will also find you will bounce back better then before....good luck!

I feel bad for you because there is NO way I could have a house full of people, transitioning after a baby. You really need to be clear with him , I have a feeling this isn't a situation that can be compromised on. You just need to have a heart to heart with your husband . Good Luck.

You know, I think Taiwan has the right idea.
I WISH I KNEW about this when I gave birth.
Tell Hubby you're thinking of embracing an entirely new culture and if he presses you, you and the baby will head off to a hotel and enjoy some room service while you recover.

" Zuo Yuezi in the 21st Century
The modern Taiwanese postpartum recovery center

The modern Taiwanese postpartum recovery center (PRC) offers hotel-like accommodations for new mothers and is staffed with experienced nurses and knowledgeable maternity coaches. The staff will teach new mothers how to properly breast feed, bathe, and otherwise care for their new babies. They will work with mothers with a slow flow to help increase their milk production. A nursery room staffed with attentive nurses is available to give recovering moms a break. A number of exercise and child-care classes are taught in the center.

Depending upon their support network, financial situation, and personal needs and desires, new mothers will stay at the PRC anywhere from a few days to the traditional month.

On-site cooks prepare meals created with the input of nutritionists, Chinese medicine practitioners, and trained chefs. The meals are tasty, healthy, and help speed the mothers recovery. They are also adjusted for each mother particular needs. For example, specially-prepared meals and snacks are given to mothers who have difficulty lactating.

The rooms themselves are general spacious enough to accommodate the both parents and the infant. They are typically equipped with some or all of the following: full-sized bathrooms, queen-sized beds, a desk and/or table, chairs for visitors, cable TV, closet space, and mini refrigerator, and WiFi Internet access.

It is common for pediatricians to come to the PRC for regular checkups, immunization shots, and the like. Some, like the one we used, have full birthing facilities.

Other miscellaneous amenities that are common are: laundry service for the the mother (if the mother uses the provided nursing gowns) and laundry facilities for the father; sunlit lounge and other common areas for the parents to meet and chat with other parents; and a "kitchen" with microwaves, hot/cold water fountains, and vending machines.".

http://www.squidoo.com/zuoyuezi

See if you can negotiate. What are your plans for your son? Do your in-laws have a relationship with your son? Perhaps you can negotiate to have JUST his parents come after you have had the baby....

What are the views on breastfeeding in his family? Did his mom breastfeed? Would she be supportive? I really think that part of my trouble nursing my first baby was because I was uncomfortable whipping out the boob around all of the company. With my 2nd, I just did it - no matter where or who was around and it made all the difference in the world.

If his mom would help you with your 7 year old, maybe do some of the driving and the cooking/cleaning, than perhaps you can negotiate something that will work to your advantage. IF they expect to be catered to, then don't have them there!! Also, how will you know when the baby will come unless you have scheduled a c-section? My second came 15 days after my due date...I assume that at least some of these people need to work!!!!

Definately avoid the brother, wife, children scenerio. Your own son will need his mother to reassure him and he could be lost in the shuffle if you have that much company. Plus, newborns have very little immunity and they shouldn't be exposed to that much. Remind your husband that you will need to sleep A LOT and it will be hard to do that if you have all of those people there, making NOISE.

I think your mom has it right, visit after you have the baby, then give you time to get home as a family and come in a week or two.

C.

I think your husband is number one, being lazy and wanting someone else to do all the helping, and number two, trying to push you into something you don't want just to look good to his folks. Good grief - if it were just your MIL and FIL for a couple of weeks, that would be one thing. To have all the rest of those people for this long? WHAT? If that were me, I would check into a motel.

I'm telling you, for the sake of your health, get your doctor to tell him that he cannot be pushing this part of his culture on you. Forget about this being "his child too". What he is telling you he wants is for the birds. You'll end up with post-partum depression and you won't even GET to know your baby - they'll all take her away from you.

You had better set him straight that he doesn't abdicate his responsibility as a father just because his entire family isn't there.

I hope you keep this in mind before you decide to have more children. I mean this. If he would try to foist this on you now, of all times, what ELSE is he going to try to do?

Dawn

i am with you. at least give me a month. we had a house full of ppl coming all hours of the day staying late. i felt so uncomfortable and i was trying to get the hang of breast feeding. i had my mom stay with my first son for the second week as my husband was home the first week. with my second my aunt stayed the second week. it was ok but my breast milk never came in and i was having all sorts of boob problems nothing i wanted to have guests around for. ppl need to respect that this is not visiting hour. not to mention i would not have that many germs around my baby!!! i am a bit of a germ phobe anyway. i hope your husband can understand this first month is about you and your family and yes he will need to pitch in alot for the first month. then his family can come visit you for a week or so. men have a very hard time understanding what is going on. i would as calmly as you can...even write him a note if you need to. explain your body is going to be exausted, your not up for entertaining or having guests, you need rest after birthing a child and its impossible with a house full of ppl. that is not a relaxing environment. it would be different if they came a few hours a day but living with you its not ok. yes your husband will have the honor of taking care of his new family. its what a loving good caring husband would do.

what i am trying to say is spin it where he sees it. he only sees your frustraition and that extra hands will be a help. keep telling him until he listens. i would want to look for an out...like going to your parents or to a hotel. i would really really appericiate if my husband would have understood that was not ok and kicked ppl out around 9 pm but we had ppl till midnight or later. i cannot imagine all night guests!!!

Okay... I am one, who... when I had my children, I... DID.NOT.WANT.ANYONE.OR.ANY.VISITORS. around me or in my home or in my hospital room... AT ALL. Until, *I* was ready for visitors.
So, I get what you are saying.

What about, you invite YOUR parents?

Next: Your Husband, CANNOT force upon you... to have his entire family over at your house from before you have the baby and after.
If that were me, I would feel invaded.
AND as the Wife, you will have to, "entertain" them too. But you would have just had a baby etc.

Next: Your Husband is not correct, about how he thinks you feel or about what he thinks you need.
And yes, HE WOULD HAVE TO HELP YOU, post birth... AND THEN ALL THE TIME FOR THE rest of his child's life.
So, he shouldn't duck out of his responsibility, now.
NOR should he, expect his big family, to do it either.
AND I would make real sure, that, your in-laws don't just come flocking over, any ol' time "they" want to. They need to ask first.
You are of a different culture etc. and it is not their home.
AND staying for THREE MONTHS... is really, presumptuous of them and rude.
Your Husband... needs to get used to the fact, that his Wife... is not like that. And that his wife, IS the priority. Not his dozens of relatives.

Personally, I really get what you are saying... because, I like my privacy, I do not like drop-ins nor people inviting themselves to my home, and after I had my children (and I had had c-sections), I DID NOT WANT ANY visitors, of any kind. At all. Period. I just wanted to nest and be with my baby... by myself only with my Husband.
Fortunately, my Husband... COMPLETELY understood.

Really, NOW that you have a baby with your Husband and his family... they... will probably want to come over all the time.
And just invite themselves.
You... need to explain to your Husband, that this is not, gonna happen. And, staying for MONTHS at a time, is NOT... cool.
And, your Husband... has got to get used to... backing you up.

Tell him one more time, clearly without any emotion or mincing of words, that they will NOT be able to come right away. Don't even argue. When he says you are turning down work you need to take the attitude that it is a shame it will come to that but you can live with the consequences. Privacy is just too important in that immediate time after birth.

However----if his parents ONLY want to come for a couple days then I would let them. They are the grandparents and really do deserve to be at that hospital alongside your parents. Pu yourself in their shoes 25 years from now when your son is getting ready for his first child. You would like to be there right? Us mothers of sons need to think about this when dealing with inlaws because it could so easily be us on the wrong side some day through no fault of our own and simply because the wife preferred her mommy.

Your post is so full of emotion right now that I don't know if I want to add to it! But, for what it's worth, I had relatives from both sides (not at the same time) visiting us right after my first two babies arrived, and I appreciated their help. I didn't have to entertain them. They really did everything they could to help keep the house going, they enjoyed each other's company (and mine, when I was available), and they gave me a chance to sleep sometimes. It wasn't "invasive" at all.

I'd try a compromise. A week before the due date and 2 weeks after.
It's his family, his culture and his house too.
This is a really happy occasion for all of them.
Your yet to be born baby is very lOved already!
Don't blow it! Once they're gone, they're gone.
Think positively!

People seem to forget that both mother and child tend to sleep a lot in the first week or so after birth and aren't good party guests or hosts.

I like the suggestion about inviting just his mother a few days AFTER giving birth. She can stay in your home, but your room is off limits.

Then, the rest of the family can stay in your home or at a hotel, and again your room is off limits.

Also, make sure your husband understsands that you will be doing no entertaining, no cooking, no accomodating.

Since they do have different cultural differences I think you're going to have to compromise. He's your husband you married him knowing his family was of a different culture so this is one of those things you are going to have to deal with. I suggest when they come they are not going to be waiting on you to take care of them but they will spoil you wonderfully. Let's hope so anyway.

Tell them that if you want time alone that you have the right to go to your room and hibernate all you want. But you can't plan on taking the baby the whole time either. You won't rest well each time. You'll need some rest too.

First, you are right, this IS a cultural expectation. My stepmom's sister was in precisely your situation of having to feed and care for her boyfriend's family the day after she'd given birth.... and I completely understand why you feel the way you feel. To be honest, after I heard about her situation, I was pretty angry.... this is a lot to expect of a woman, and the problem with this tradition in our culture is that we do not usually live in extended households, so that A. their presence is an imposition AND there are not the 'women of the family' around to help with so much of the cooking/entertaining, so the new mother has to do much on her own. This is a tradition that just doesn't 'translate well' in some cases, depending on expectations and personalities.

If it were me, I'd try to find the middle ground. First and foremost: your room and your bathroom (if you have one) are PRIVATE. Then, I'd make a list of what you think you would want your husband to pick up at the store to feed his family. Be specific, and let him know that you are NOT going to be getting up and getting food for people. That will be his job--or his mother's. When/if you are asked to 'help' with anything, explain that you are recovering and this was not your plan to have guests--- basically, I'd put it back on him that you are not going to change your mind and start helping out now. The adults are able-bodied and can feed themselves, the baby cannot. If it were me, I'd make a place to hide out and then put it all back on him. His family= his guests= his responsibility.

Me-- I think this is WAY too much to ask of you. Even if you have a relatively event-free childbirth, you are still going to need lots of down time. I felt great the day I had my son-- the next day, I felt like I'd been hit by a truck.

Oh heck no. I don't care what excuses people make regarding cultural differences and hurt feelings. This scenario is way too much to ask of your family right after the birth of a child. I can only imagine how much actual help will occur. Just recently there was a question about guests clearing the table and the answers were all over the place. The point is you will wind up playing hostess despite all the rules you can think of. I refuse to be a guest in my own home. Having my own bedroom and bathroom private/off limits is not enough. It is my dang home and I won't feel like I have to hide to get away from unwanted guests. Furthermore, your husband's family is way too many people and way too many germs. Your house will be a zoo which will be the opposite of what you need.

I had my own mother stay with us the first week after our son was born. I made it three days before I told my husband he had to make her go home. It was way too much and she did nothing. Great. I had constant company and zero help. It was invasive and downright annoying. I was losing my mind and the stress level magically went to zero when she left. Fortunately my husband was a good sport and played hatchet man well. I honestly don't know what he told her but she went away. Bless him.

As for the cultural thing, my husband and his family are also Hispanic. However, because I am white, I get a free pass on a lot of expectations. You might get the same treatment. My husband's family will think 'oh that's not how she is or not how she was raised so we won't expect that or do that'. No hurt feelings since they basically expect me to be "foreign". I never complained because I knew that a precedent was being set. There are certain cultural expectations I don't mind going along with BUT I will not and have not allowed presumption to guide those expectations. I make my decisions about what expectations I will and will not go along with. My husband's family was not on my door step when our son came home. No one complained about a lack of bonding time since I have made our son readily available well after the newborn phase passed.

Good luck but don't let pressure guide you. At the end of it all your nuclear/immediate family has to find its balance with the new baby and the help all goes away at some point. Nothing like starting out right after birth relying on yourself and your husband with your seven year old pitching in as possible.

What?? 3 months is excessive and intrusive, in my opinion. My parents were here for the births of both of my children. My father stayed for 4 or 5 days to run errands and my mom stayed for 2 weeks with both. She did all of the housework, kid-shuttling, cooking and night shifts with the infant.

I don't think you need time to bond immediately and you will appreciate having someone else around to do the household work for a week or two post-partum, but there is NO need for them to be there a month PRIOR to the birth (unless you have a medical complication) and for two months after. Unless something happens during your labor and delivery, most mommies are back on their feet within a week or two (or at least functional).

Culture aside, this is your little family and you make the rules together. It sounds like your husband is nervous about caring for an infant and wants his mom there to help out. Great. They are welcome to be there for a week or two, but any longer and they will need to find another place to stay.

Hell to the no! Having family come for '3 months or so' with no set dates and not knowing for sure when they are leaving would not be ok with me anytime, and especially not right after I gave birth. I would tell them you will let them know when you are ready for visitors, and then they can come for a designated amount of time, like a week. You are the one having the darn baby, you have a right to privacy and to be comfortable in your own home. I would say thanks for the offer, but if you really want to help, please buy us diapers.
I had terrible postpartum anxiety, so I pretty much freaked out anytime anyone touched the baby for about a month. So I would not want anyone around, plus the nursing, ect. You need to be able to relax and nurse on demand, having a housefull of 'helpful' people giving 'helpful advice', like let me feed the baby while you rest, ect, is not likely to lead to a successful breastfeeding relationship.
Several times I have had to say to my husband, You cannot make everyone happy in this situation, so you need to decide who you want to upset, your mother 5 states away, or your wife thats about to give birth. Make your decision, but remember, you have to live with me. (except unfortunately, my MIL lives 5 minutes away) I think he needs to think this over. Our situation was that his mother was trying to.horn her way into the delivery room, which was NOT going to happen, ever.

Riley J. hit the nail on the head. The Mexican culture is not at all like the American culture. They will lavish you with love, affection and attention. They will spoil and pamper you and the baby. They will tend to your needs and be very helpful to you if you let them. I say let them.

You had one child and had your experience and now you are having your second child with a husband from a differnt culture, a culture your son will inherit. Why not be more open and experience all of the great things you can as you get to meet and know and fall in love with his family as they learn to do the same with you. Honestly it doesn't have to be a nightmare. It may even be that you won't ever want to go back to what you have been accustomed to.

I say open up to the experience before you shoot it down.

I get what you are saying and I was the same way when my in-laws wanted to come stay with us after I had my daughter (only girl on both sides) and EVERYONE was beyond excited to meet her and hold her and 'help me out'.

At first I was hesitant but I gave in because I knew they were truly wanting to be helpful...and let me tell you, wow! were they helpful!!

Seriously, read and then re-read Riley J. posted!!

As always, it is your decision and don't let anyone pressure you into doing something you don't want to do.

Congrats on the new baby!

OMG this sounds like my worst nightmare!!!! I don't think you are going to be able to get out of this completely. SO.... you need coping strategies. Make specific lists of things that they need to help with. For example - Make dinner, here's a grocery list... go shopping, clean the floors, do this laundry. If they came to help you need to put them to work. I found that people who came to "help" me mainly were interested in holding the baby. Another thing you can do is create a quiet place for you to nurse. When you are feeling stressed take the baby away to nurse and enjoy the escape. Take a nap in that quiet place while you're at it ;-) Good luck!!!!!

Its all about compromise. Why dont u suggest that maybe his parents come and stay for a few days but to have his parents, his brother (and family including a toddler) and his sister would just be to much to handle so soon after giving birth, not to mention all ther germs they would be exposing the newborn to. Maybe go ahead and plan a time a month or so after you are home for the rest of the family to come meet the new addition.