In Desperate Need of Advice

I have to say that I agree partially with some of the responses I've read, but completely disagree with those who think you should leave your husband if you are unhappy. Here's the thing, you picked the man, made vows with him, and most importantly made a baby with him. I also don't know the complete story, but I think leaving should only be an option is he is an alcoholic, or abusing you or your child. He was probably behaving the same way when you were dating, but you may have overlooked it because you love him. If he really wasn't, then he's got some emotional stuff going on inside of him, and men are not creatures who are really willing to talk about feelings. That's what girls do. You have to first and foremost think of your son. How would leaving his daddy impact him? Are you willing to have absolutely no control over who your son is exposed to for the next 18 years if you divorce? Because most likely if you leave your husband, he will eventually find another wife and probably have babies with her. Your son will then become a visitor at daddy's house. You will have absolutely no power over anything that goes on at his dad's house. You will only have control at your house. you will only see your son half the time, assuming dad will make sure he sees your son on a regular basis. I just have to ask, is all of that worth leaving? If your son could talk, I guarantee he would say, "no." Now, this doesn't mean you shouldn't go get some professional help. I think you need some counseling for yourself as well as marriage counseling. I know that sounds scary, but think of the alternative. Also, being a SAHM is very draining, so I totally understand the emotional stuff on your part. But at the end of the day are you a woman your husband wants to come home to? Have you tried greeting him at the door with hugs and kisses from you and your baby when he comes home, or does he hear how hard your day was right off the bat? Before you write off your marriage, you really need to give it a try. A few good books to read are "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands", "Woman Power", and "The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage." All written by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. Another tip I would suggest is stop talking to other people such as friends and family about your husband. I know you just want someone to listen to you, but bashing the man you love will only make things worse. Your friends and family will more than likely not be neutral and will start thinking negatively about him. So, if you do get this worked out, the people you have told will still think negatively about your man and will probably convey that to you from time to time, and that's not healthy either. Marriage is not all great all the time, but your little boy needs a mommy and a daddy in his home to feel secure and stable. I hope you think long and hard, and actually work on your marriage before you tear your little boy's world apart. Good Luck.

I am not sure what you really want to hear. A relationship based on fear doesn't serve anyone. Not yourself, your husband or your son. But I get that you would love someone just to listen and understand your feelings. I am a life coach and I would love to do that for you if you are interested. My number is ###-###-####.

Play hard to get. Keep him guessing. I've been married for 15 years. My husband knows I love him because I tell him all the time, but I don't play desperate with him. I have an attitude that if he wants to leave me, then leave. It will be difficult, but I'll be okay. Occassionally, being once a year or so, I tell him this. Now understand, we love each other deeply and have a strong relationship, but I make sure he doesn't feel like I can't live without him. While I depend on him financially and such, I try to be independent in my responsibilities in the home and in my attitude. I also make sure he knows "He's the Man!" It's a delicate balance. Guys want to be needed but they don't want to feel like the woman is desperate. Do you get what I'm saying? Guys like a chase even when they get married.

I don't know if you are really desperate or not, maybe emotionally? Which would be natural since you just had a baby 3 months ago. You may be coming across that way to him, especially now when your just coming off you fourth trimester of having a baby. Fourth trimester is what my girl friends and I call it, because even though you have had the baby, it takes about 3 to 4 months for your body to get back to normal and for you to begin to feel like yourself again. The hormones still rage for those 3 to 4 months...or, at least it feels like they do.

Guys also like peace and harmony and some guys will go to extreme lengths to try to acheive that. Try to pick your battles and try to only deal with one at a time. I don't mean one on Monday, and one on Tuesday, etc. I mean only deal with one issue until it's resolved. Don't accuse him of anything, but start phrases with something like this, "I have a problem that I was wondering if you could help me with. I haven't felt like myself lately. Maybe it's the lack of sleep from having a newborn. Maybe I have post partum depression. I have been kind of droopy. Maybe you have notice this. What do you think?" Then stop. Don't ask or say another thing. Let him think and see how he answers. You may be surprised. If he's feeling attacked by you, you won't get very far. He will just attack back, but if you bring him along as a helper or fixer of your problem, then he may realize through the discussion that he is adding to the situation or that he may be the cause.

Since I don't know you situation first hand, take my advice with a grain of salt. Maybe it will help, maybe it won't. But one thing for sure, DON'T let anyone influence how you feel about yourself. You are beautifully and wonderfully made person who is loved and appreciated by other people besides your husband. Think of all the friends and family who love you and care about you. If your husband tells you something about yourself that you know is untrue, then let it go and don't believe it. You know the truth about yourself. I'm sure you are a terrific person and you have a son who adores you! A son who has a special bond with you.

If your husband is emotionally abusive, then set some boundaries. Tell him straight out that putting you down is unacceptable. Make decision about how you are going to handle times when he behaves in that manner. For example, tell him with NO emotions showing (just be matter of fact) that if he begins to put you down or call you names, you will politely leave the room. Let him know this is not a sign of disrespect, but rather a way to protect your heart from his unkind words. Then when he is ready to be kind in his words, you will rejoin him in the discussion you were having.

Remember, your family, friends, and God loves you!

My husband and I started our family very fast and very young. It was a long hard road. And there were many many times I felt as you do. But, we love each other and we don't want to be apart. I think that fact alone has gotten us through all of these years. You have a brand new baby and your life, your self has changed so much. It's hard to take that kind of change in a new relationship. That doesn't mean it can't be done. My advice, if you love him, if you don't want to be without him, don't give up. Find your strength and hold on tight. It is a bumpy ride, but it is so worth it. It takes men a lot longer to mature and appreicate what they have. Give him enough time to try to figure it out. My family actually took bets on my wedding day on how long we would make it. No one expected us to get through the first two years. We'll celebrate our 10th anniversary this summer. If you want to stay married, stay and fight. The best things in the world are worth fighting and waiting for. You are strong enough. Marriage is often about war and peace. You pick your battles, you prepare for war, and you enjoy peace while it lasts :) It's not a fairy tale, but it can be a lot of fun.

The truth is that no-one but you can make the decision of whether to stay or leave your marriage. What you have shared makes me concerned for you, and it's not encouraging that you husband won't agree to work on your issues together. It's true that marriages take work, but it's very hard to make one work if only one spouse is willing to do so. That being said, the only advice I will give is to find a therapist for yourself, to help you get back in touch with yourself and figure out what you want and need to do. I am a graduate student in a doctoral psychology program and our school has a sliding scale clinic, if you are worried about the expense of therapy. The therapists are all students, but we are all experienced, trained and passionate about helping people with their problems. The phone number is ###-###-####. You can learn more about it at
www.du.edu/gspp/professional-psychology-center. Everyone is entitled to their opinion about your situation, but nobody can or should tell you what to do with your life.

Hi S.,

One of your questions was, Is anybody else out there doing it all on their own?

I am a single mom, doing it all on my own. And have been pretty much from conception. It can be done, but its not all flowers. My daughter is now 3 years old and right now I'm doing quite well for the both of us. I know that I am doing the right thing and I've got my family's emotional support telling me that I am. I have to tell you that I wish that I could give my daughter her dad everyday. But the fact is, I can't. I tried for a very long time to encourage my ex to be a dad and a husband that my daughter and I needed. But the facts are we are better without him and he won't change and it didn't matter how hard I tried. He wasn't trying and is too selfish of a person to see how much he was needed.

Some of the highlights of my relationship are the following.
We got married 4 months after we met.
Pregnant 2 months later.
Our daughter was born just before our first christmas.
He got fired when our daughter was 4 weeks old.
Moved out when she was 7 mths old.
Divorced when she was 10 mths old.
Tried to reconcile when she was 18 mths. - 27 mths.
I kicked him out April 11, 2007.
Because on that day our daughter was very sick. She had been to the ER w/ fever was given IV fluids, on tylenol and motrin every 3 hrs. Had me scared to death, after all I was already scared of her having fevers, because she had a "Fever Seizure" at 10 mths old. He was unemployed. I had miss nearly a week of work. I finally had her temp under control w/ regular medicine and thought I could trust him to give her medicine and care for her while I returned to work. Well the concerned mother that I was, I called to check on my daughter. He wouldn't answer the phone. I finally left work and went to check on her. I walked in the front door, the lights were out, the heater was cranked up. He was sleeping on the couch. I could not find my daughter.
I looked in every room of the 2 bedroom apartment. I couldn't find her. I woke him up in a panic and asked where Reeanna was. He began looking and checking the outside doors. I was screaming Reeanna's name begging her to cry out, something. I finally heard her cry...and I still couldn't see her. I asked her to come to mama, she finally crawled out of behind a chair in the living room. She was on fire with fever. She hadn't been given medicine since I left. Had not been able to wake her dad, whom I had already woke up for the day and made him promise that he wouldn't go back to sleep.

I wish that my daughter wouldn't have had to suffer because of my stupidity. He hasn't seen her since, but for a couple of visits. Once he realized that this time, I was done, and he wasn't getting me back, he hasn't called, wrote, anything for about 7 mths now.

I hope that your situation isn't as severe as mine. But I knew when she was 4 wks old and he came home with no job, and didn't go get another, that I couldn't trust him. I tried so hard, but I loved him and I wanted an intact family and if I tried just a little harder, maybe he would love us back.

I wish you the best and if you'd like to chat let me know.
TRUDI

I do not mean to be a stick in the mud, but marriage is hard. Too many people end their marriage because it is hard, it was never said to be easy. Your husband may be having a hard time coming to grips that he does not have a perfect marriage, he does not want to recognize the faults because that means he has to help fix them.

Parenting was never meant to be done alone. We are meant to have a “help meat” in a spouse. We are not meant to be alone, regardless if we are parents. My advice might not be popular, but I hope it is good. It may seem the easy way out to just get a divorce, and may people have done it and have been happy (so they say). How many people do you know that have been married for 25 years? 50 years? No one is completely happy all the time in marriage. I will say it again, marriage is hard. It is worth it though. When you finally get to that place in marriage when you have talked out all the hard things and have started working on it, together, it is fantastic. It is indescribable to love someone that much and to have that trust in someone. No one marries and is that way right away. It takes years of hard work.

I have been married for almost 12 years. One thing that worked for us when we just couldn’t talk or would just end up arguing and not getting out the right things, I started by writing a letter to him. He couldn’t argue with me in a letter and I could get everything out I wanted to without him interrupting me and distracting me from what I wanted to say. Now, saying that I also told him how much I loved him and why I love him and what I loved about him. That way it is not just a negative letter, just a letter to show him that you want to work this out and he needs to know how you are feeling and that you need help. Marriage is a two way thing, there are two people in a marriage and they both need a voice.

As far as your friends that are telling you to leave him, are they really giving you good advice? Are they just saying that because it seems easier than dealing with the problem, to run from it? Trust me, it is better to deal with the problem and try to resolve it than to ignore it and run away. He is in your life forever, it is better to deal with it. Sometimes our friends give good advice but sometimes they do not.

I hope I have helped in some way, if not I apologize for the long posting!

I'm not sure exactly what would be best for you since I don't know your whole story--but as a happily married mommy of five I wanted to make sure you understand (I got married when I was twenty)that guys take a lot longer to mature than women do. For us taking care of a family and baby and home come naturally-or more naturally than they do for men. It is stressful for a guy to suddenly have to grow up and take care of a family-and hard for them to understand how hard it is to stay home and take care of a child. So if he is just immature and thoughtless give him some time, treat him like a king and act like a queen (if you are that down on yourself you may be dealing with some postpardum depression which is more common than you may think and nothing to be ashamed of-the good thing about it is you can get help for that) If you don't respect yourself he is not going to learn to respect you. If he is not abusing you and is just kind of 'clueless' as my husband was then in my opinion it is worth hanging in there. Being a stay at home mom is difficult so you are going to need some kind of support group where you are getting some positive encouragement. Do you go to a church or know other young moms? Make sure when you get together with people that your chatter is uplifting and encouraging. Don't get into husband bashing or you will never be happy. Hang in there, get some help, and be happy! You are worth it!

First of all, Congratulations on the new baby. You are both still adjusting to the change. Not sleeping and post partim takes its toll on us ladies. And men, they begin to stress about taking care of their family and the new noisy household.
As little as you feel appreciated believe it or not he feels the same way. Guess what, neither of you can give appreciation if you can't give it to yourself. So, know that you are both doing the best that you can, and your child will always be grateful for that. You must give up the baby for a few hours each week and get some "me" time for yourself. If he won't take the baby for a few hours get together everything he will need for a few hours sit it down with a note if necessary and walk out leaving the baby in his care. If he didn't have an appreciation for what you do, he certainly will by the time you come back. Let him know he is doing a good job as a provider, you are able to stay home, that is a privilege. Know that this to shall pass. You 2 have the rest of your life to get it right and as the baby gets bigger and becomes more independent it will get easier.

K.
working mom of 3 yr old boy and girl twins. Can you believe Dad stays home with the kids so I could go back to work and he does a great job.
Love wealth faith abundance

You need to be the best you that you can be, for yourself and your child. If that means that you need to find another way to live that should be what you do. I'm not saying it is easy but it is worth it if you need to do it.

My ex was similar and I stayed for 24 years before deciding it would be better without him. I have never been happier than I am now. I had similar fears - supporting myself and our children being primary among those. I have found that it was more frightening thinking about it than doing it. Now the kids are grown and doing better than I even hoped as well.

You need to know that you are worthy of respect, and the best one to offer it is yourself. Others will follow.

Good luck. It can get better and only you can make that happen, either by staying or by leaving, and creating your own happiness either way.

Follow your heart. I know it's not the greatest advice but sometimes it's the most solid. You may not know what your heart says to do yet, but hang in there and you will. What option would be the best for you, as an individual and as a mother, and what would be the best option for your son.

Have you tried talking to your husband about this?

Hi S.,

Leaving WILL hurt your son eventually, and will cause you lots of problems. You should seek professional help from a counselor for you AND your husband together to learn how to meet each other's needs and learn how to communicate better. Running away from the problem will not solve it. You'll most likely have to deal with this man for the rest of your life and if you really love him, you'll stick to your promise of "for better or worse".

God bless you and your marriage,
M.

I have been through something similiar and left my first husband early on in our marriage. We were very young and got pregnant, and then of course got married. The best thing I did was find the courage to leave. But that doesn't mean that this is the answer for you, I want to make sure I convey that. Only you can decide what is best for you.

The hardest thing about my parents divorce was remembering them being together. So I wanted to make sure that my daughter wasn't able to have those feelings. When my ex and I finalized our divorce my daughter was almost two. I think this made the divorce easier on her then and now and going forward.

I know people say that you need to do what is best for the child or children involved. But that doesn't mean that you have to continue feeling miserable in the process and sacrifice your emotional welfare. It will truly do more damage for your son to see you and your husband fight as he grows up. He will pick up on the tension.

My best advice is to try to continually talk to your husband, don't let him back away. Tell him that hiding from the problem will only make matters worse, they won't go away. I am not an advocate of therapy, but that doesn't mean it doesn't work. Just in my experience, it only made matters worse. But offer that up, he'll say abosolutely not...they all do. But just work on that idea gradually if you can't get him to open up to you. Tell him that it is ok to get upset and fight about this. Sometimes you just need to scream and get it out so you can make it better. And perhaps see a therapist on your own. It may make you feel better.

On the upside, after the divorce. found a great man who wanted (not willing, but wanted) to be a stepdad and accepted me with all my baggage. There are great men out there who lovingly accept families...the most important thing is not to expose your child to them until you know they are comfortable with the idea of you having a child. My ex went through 3 fiances before he found is current wife. My daughter became attached to all these women and whenthey left, she was very confused and hurt. Keep an eye out for that.

My best wishes to you

It doesn't sound like you and your husband got married for the right reasons, I hate to say leave him, is he willing to do therapy? If not maybe look into it for just you, if you are really as unhappy as you say, there won't be anything he can do to help. It really has to start with you, no matter what you decide, your son will feel it or live it. Get some outside help, someone who has no ties to you or your husband, someone who is completely objective. Good luck, I hope you find some answers!

Hang in there. First, think of your son, what would be best for him. Then think of what you can do to make your marriage better. You can't change your husband, you can only change yourself. Not many guys like to talk about problems, I think it's commom. You can tell him how you feel and leave it at that. Focus on treating him just how you want to be treated and hopefully in the future he'll catch on. Hope this helps a little.
T. :o)

most of all you need to consider what is best for you and your baby boy.
would you want your son to treat you the same way as your husband does?
i have been there and done that and started over several times. i have been married previously and had to "wake up" one day and realize that my children were treating me just as bad as their father treated me and not respecting me for who i was and NOT what i was.
YOU CAN DO IT!!!!....make the conscience decision to have a better future for you and your son.
my spouse accepted me with 4 kids and no college education and workng a deadend job with no benefits...
i know there are agencies that will help you with a job and education along with childcare...
check it all out and keep your options open and your head held high (no matter what he says or does to you...protect yourself and your son!!)..

Oh S., you are not alone in this situation. I was in a similar situation with my daughter's dad and I chose to leave when she was 3 (she's now 13). After we divorced, I was so desperate that I married within 1 year and treated husband #2 horribly...probably punishment I intendend for husband #1. That marriage was on/off move in/move out for years and mainly sexual. Anyway, I would recommend considering a few things before leaving.

1. Have you tried therapy? It is a hard and long road but can really help. I've overcome so many things and learned so much that I think every person in this world should see a qualified therapist. If your husband is willing to go, great. If not, can you go by yourself? Having a sounding board that is a professional can be helpful and really help you in the self-esteem department. Nothing against your friends, but they love you and just want the situation fixed NOW...and the quickest way to that is for you to move out. But there are dangers in putting the cart before the horse.

2. Do you have a SAFE place to go? Where will you live? Where will you stay until you can figure out money, a home, a job, potential legal battles, etc?

3. Are you able to figure out day care and work? Where will you work? Are you able to support you and your son 100% if things draw out for a while and you don't see a dime from your husband? (I had to get a judgment from my ex for child support because I didn't see money from him for years...day care and diapers are expensive).

4. Could your husband turn into a violent, immature jerk? Just something to consider...you may need to seek additional advice if there is any potential physical harm to you and your son.

5. What is you long-term life plan and how does this affect it? Depending on your true goals in life could determine if (and how quickly) you leave. Maybe you want to finish school and only have a little left. Could going to therapy and finishing school first be better so you are on more stable ground when you leave (and you can support your son better).

Being a SAHM can really isolate you. Especially when you are at home with a newborn. Seeking advice from someone impartial is a good idea before you make any decisions. I'll tell you, it is harder to be divorced than it is to be married (for the first 7 years).

Ironically, my ex just rang the door to pick up my daughter.

Good luck S.. Please don't hesitate to reach out.

- B.

be like you and be afraid to even Hello, I am not going through want you are, but i do know several others who have. My only thought is to tell you that your friends are probably right. If you are not happy, and he is unwilling to work with you to fix things, than you have to let him go. If not for you than for your child. I am sure of one thing your son will either be to like you and scared and olonly his wholl life, or he will be like your husband. I know you are scared but unless you want to see your child turn into someone you hate, you need to get help and get out. please remember it is never better to stay just for the child, that just makes you and evertone else miserable, and in some casses even dead.

I agree with Kate P. Your son deserves an intact home with mom and dad together, and you owe it to your son to make it work with your hubby. Having a baby puts a new strain on a marriage, but it's nothing you can't work through. Your husband just may be adjusting to the newness of being a family. Do your best to be your best and your husband may follow your lead (and you'll feel better about yourself). I also recommend the Dr. Laura books. It's worth a try to give your son a family, isn't it?