Is Husband Being Disrespectful or Am I Too Sensitive?

A little bit of both.

You are right to feel a little bit upset that you took the time to make him dinner, and then he ended up changing plans. But you also need to remember that he is a grown man, and sometimes plans do change. Food goes nicely into the fridge.

He could have been more respectful of the fact that you would likely be making him dinner, and you could dial down the sensitivity a notch or two.

Now kiss and make up.

This isn't a hill to die on.

Yes, he should be able to dine with his friend, but he could have been more considerate of the fact that you had cooked something. I would just ask him to make his intentions known to you ahead of time so that you don't put forth too much effort for a dinner that won't be eaten fresh.

Communication is key.

ETA: Shocked by some of the tit-for-tat replies here. Ugh. No wonder so many marriages fail!

ETA 2: Retta, you hit the nail on the head :)

IMHO, I don't consider it disrespectful, but definitely inconsiderate. You specifically asked him about dinner, at least twice. He told you both times that he would be home. He should have come home for dinner!

If it were me, I would not fix his dinner tonight or for many nights, as a matter of fact. If he can decide at the last minute to go out to eat, you can decide at any minute that you're not cooking for him. Make something early for you and the kids and have it all cleaned up by the time he gets home.

B.,

Welcome to mamapedia!!!

Sounds like you KNEW what was going to happen and wanted to believe otherwise. Was he rude? Yes. He told you he was going to come home. However, history has proven, as you have stated, that you have a friend who likes to go out...

I would have told him what time dinner would be ready that evening and if he was there, great! We'll eat together. If not? He'll have to take care of himself.

You are NOT his mother. Don't treat him like a child. Be matter of fact and discuss plans. If you know this friend has a habit of going out? Then you need to tell your husband "Jack, when you go to John's house, things seem to happen that you did not plan. So I will plan on having dinner at our regular time, if you're here, great. if not, you can heat it up when you get home."

This way? You're covered. You're not his mother. You're his partner, giving him that time he needs/wants with his buddies and you don't get hurt by him not showing up when he said he would.

I'm with ChristyLee... He was inconsiderate, you are overreacting. Stick the plate in the fridge, and don't worry about t any more. It's not really worth a fight, is it?

I know there have been times I go do something with my friends, and at the very last minute get a "hey, do you wanna run and get a burger?" I tend to go with it, mostly because it's nice to get a chance to hang out and unwind after having spent time with them working on something serious. I wouldn't think it's about being ashamed of going home to his wife, but taking a chance to hang out with a friend. There is also a chance the friend insisted a bit?. "Come on man, you fixed my computer. At least let me buy you some food."

For what it's worth... While I tend to plate my husband's dinner for him, I am very rarely nice enough to heat it up for him. (The man knows how to work a microwave, or can wait a few minutes for me to nuke it after he gets home...) I AM sorry that you were trying to do something nice for him, and it pretty much blew up in your face. I would feel miffed too, but not enough to make a big deal over it.

You know he always goes out with this friend after they hang out but you asked him if he would be home anyway? That is like holding up a ball and asking do you think this will fall. I never understand these games people play.

Well not true, I get it, I was a young wife once, it is just I was well aware of how I was behaving. I mean you didn't ask are you going out with Bill? All happy, go have some fun hun, you work so hard! No, you asked so I guess you are having dinner with Bill! With the whole you are always out with Bill attitude. There is only one answer to that, yes dear I will be home, and then they don't come home.

Stop that, ask him nicely what are your plans so that you get an honest answer. You may not like the honest answer but don't ask to get the answer you want and then complain it is a lie.

He isn't ashamed to go home to dinner, he didn't want to, he never wanted to, he wanted to go to dinner with his friend, he told you what you made him say and then did what he wanted.

Oh and yes, I was married to a young man when I was a young woman. They take time to mature as well and say I love ya babe but we are going out.

It sounds to me like you were setting your husband up for failure. You stated you knew the friend likes to eat out and you kept checking with your husband to see if he was coming home for dinner. In hindsight, don't you think it would have made more sense to plan on having sandwiches for dinner in case he was invited out?

After your husband was kind enough to help fix his friend's computer, I would have been very surprised if the friend didn't ask to treat your husband to dinner since it was dinner time.

I agree, your husband should have told you his plans changed and he was inconsiderate but I have to wonder if he was perhaps afraid to tell you he might not be home for dinner. Your "Edit" makes me think you have other issues in your marriage. Having one meal go to waste isn't worth a fight and could he not just eat it tomorrow? Does your husband make a habit of not keeping his word and what would ever make you think your husband is ashamed to say he is going to eat with his wife? I suspect there is much more going on here than you have told us.

I don't understand why men can't just say what they want to do.

This isn't about him being able to eat out with his friend. This is about him reassuring you that he was coming home and him basically lying. I would have been upset if my husband treated me this disrespectfully. If I ask if he will be home for dinner, and I make dinner, I hope he shows up for it out of respect. Yes, he could eat it the next day, but this isn't about food. This is about clear and honest communication. He should keep his word. Actions should match words.

I don't think you are being too sensitive, you want to be treated with respect, and he didn't treat you that way.

I wouldn't have been that upset about all of it. I think you are being a little too sensitive. I totally can see why your husband went out to eat with a friend. He'd been helping him then his friend wanted to "thank" him and take him out. Plus just a little guy time to hang out. I know you went through a lot to make dinner, but I don't see it as a big deal.

Your husband originally told you he'd be home. He did tell you the friend was going to treat him. You wanted him to come home, he had already told you his plans had changed. You may have made your husband feel like he was on a short leash in front of his friend; constantly texting him.

I wouldn't have been upset about this.

It's just a slap when he SAID he'd be home for dinner, you planned around it, and THEN he turned around and changed his mind.
If he wanted to go out, he could have said so up front and saved you the trouble.
Next time he tries this, cut to the chase and tell him he's on his own for supper - you'll have some plans of your owns - or he can cook for himself when he gets home.

Additional:
Is this friend female by any chance?
I'm getting an insecurity vibe from you.
You are setting yourself up as competition between you and his friend - and THAT makes it blown out of proportion.
He's not 'ashamed to tell his friend he has to come home for dinner with his wife'. (has to? Really?)
He can have dinner with you anytime.
You're not exactly chopped liver status (I love chopped liver by the way) but you are spending a lifetime together - a one time dinner out with a friend is nothing to obsess about.
You are pissed he didn't WANT to come home for dinner with you.
I don't think you mean to come across as needy but you are.
In general, 'insecure' isn't attractive.
The food you made didn't go to waste - left overs are popular in our house.
If my husband comes home late from work he knows how to forage in the kitchen for a meal.
Relax and let it go.

I have had this happen. Almost the SAME exact thing.
But the thing is, I don't hang my hat on the timing of it all. Meaning, I KNOW how it usually goes when my Husband goes to a friend's to help fix something. I KNOW... it will be later than he said, and that THEN he and his friend WILL go have dinner. Because his friend will want to "thank" him for helping him, by getting him dinner.
That is just how it goes. *I* know that. I know my Husband.

In these situations, I don't cook "for" him according to when he THINKS he might be done and home. I cook, for me and my kids. IF he is home in time for dinner, fine. He can heat up the leftovers himself and eat. AND if he had already eaten dinner with his friend, fine. No biggie because I did not cook ONLY for him. I cook anyway, for me and my kids regardless if he is home or not, in time, for dinner.

For me personally, I know how long these things can take. Fixing the computer etc. then they hang out or whatever. Fine. I don't care when/if my Husband is home in time for "dinner" time, because that depends on WHEN I, cook or finish dinner. Not on when he comes home. I cook, when I cook, and the timing of that varies. Whether or not he is home.

Anyway, when my Husband has had spur of the moment things like that after work too, I don't ask him to tell me EXACTLY when he will be home, for dinner or not. I just keep doing whatever me and the kids are doing and eat, when WE eat and per when I finish cooking. I don't time it, according to when my Husband will be home from his friend's.
Because, I know, that my Husband is not good at timing things, like I am. And if he goes and eats dinner with his friend, no biggie. It really does not bug me at all.

I KNOW DARN WELL, my Husband typically runs late. Especially if he is at a friend's house fixing the computer.
So what.
I go about my evening, as I feel like it.
Sure my Husband will call me to let me know how its going. But I KNOW, he usually runs late. And he and his friend tends to waste time along the way just hanging out. So what. And if he eats dinner with his friend, so what.
Unless WE have another commitment on that same night, and my Husband is late... THEN, I would get irked and pissed. Because then, I would expect him to be ON time.

What are the other issues with your relationship?

I wouldn't get mad because I can see where a repair might take longer and the friend wants to do something nice for someone who was helping him. Inconsiderate? yes.

There are times at my house that I will have dinner planned and sometimes made and there is a last minute change in our plans. Oh well, I just serve the dish the next day and don't worry about it.

Maybe he could have been a little more forthcoming when he realized the time it was taking to do the job. Maybe you could have been a little more understanding. It works both ways in relationships.. give and take.

That is not something that would cause a marital argument at our house.

ETA: per the edit... now I am seeing further issues. It would have been tacky for him to ask his friend for a rain check on the dinner. I don't think he is ashamed to tell his friend that his wife was cooking dinner but most couples have some give and take and this is not something that would cause such an issue in most relationships. I don't think we know the whole story and as you know, there are sides to the story, your side, his side and the truth. Something bigger is going on for you to get so upset about something so trivial, yet inconsiderate.

Honestly....you are being too sensitive and a bit smothering.

Overreacting, sorry.

I would not be upset with him. You said yourself you knew this friend was likely to want to take him out. If I made anything for dinner that night it would have been with the expectation that he might not eat it with me. I would have ate when I was hungry and put the left overs in the fridge for if and when he wanted them. Plus, when fixing something you can not always know if it will take 45 minutes or 2 hours, it just takes as long as it takes. I would let this one go if I was you. It was not cool of him to ignore your last text, but I more then likely would have done the same if my husband told me I was not allowed to eat with my friend and I had to come home, he is my husband not my father. In the future rather then getting mad I would adjust my expectations so I don't end up disappointed. It is not about him being ashamed, he is a grown man and should be able to have a meal with a friend without needing his wife's permission.

Look, I don't think you are wrong to be upset... but I think the reason why you have a right to be upset is different than you seem to. It isn't that he said he would come home and didn't--plans change. Sometimes we have to just roll with it. And honestly, the continual calling would have been frustrating, I think--to both of you. You just wanted to know what to do. He obviously didn't know himself that his friend would offer at the end of the job to take him out to eat--that's how offers like that are often made: After the job is done. Not before.

You BOTH should have had the maturity to see that this was going to be a "play it by ear" kind of evening and just done that. Fended for yourselves.

The problem I have is that he kept responding that he was almost done (after saying he would be home for dinner) and then when he finally said "10 minutes" and then said friend made the offer, you replied and "told" him (?--not suggested?) to do it another time, he didn't respond. Adults do not just fail to reply to their spouses for no reason. So--what was his reason? Avoidance? Immaturity? Passive-aggressiveness? I'd say all 3, and that's what I'd have a problem with.

Next time, though, be realistic about how stuff like this is going to go and don't lock yourselves (both of you) into a plan when you know you don't really have that control anyway. Just be more flexible and be up front about it.

Julie G is right. Other people here who gloss over this are ignoring the fact that he told you over and over that he was coming home to dinner. He didn't mean what he kept telling you. And he didn't care.

B., the best way to deal with this is that next time, you don't ask if he's coming home for dinner. You just don't fix dinner. If he comes home and asks where the dinner is, you remind him of the last time you fixed dinner after he went to his friend's. You can't trust him to be honest with you or respect the fact that he told you multiple times that he was coming home to dinner. He didn't bother to ask his friend FIRST if he wanted to go out to dinner together so that he knew what to tell his wife. He could have done that, and then YOU would feel respected. He chose to lead you down the garden path, and then doesn't care when you are upset about it.

SHOW him what happens when he disrespects you. You do NOT have to be at his beck and call all the time. If you are, he just takes you for granted. Enough.

By the way, I've been married for 32 years. One of the reasons why is that we BOTH understand the concept of disrespect...

I would be upset by the lack of communication, but not about the food.

It bugs me when my husband doesn't give me a heads up when his plans change. I understand that sometimes we don't notice the time, and sometimes we do but we're really trying to get things done quickly and don't want to stop to call. But often times it really wouldn't have been a big deal to pick up the phone and let me know what's going on.

But having dinner with his friend wouldn't bother me. We all need some time with our friends, so I know I'd want to go to dinner with my friend. Also, his friend offered to treat him (probably as a way of saying thank you), and it would be very tacky to ask for a rain check. His friend offered to treat him to dinner that night, not some time in the future.

I don't really think your husband was being disrespectful. Maybe his friend asked him to dinner at the last minute, and they were having a nice time fixing the computer, so he thought why not. Give him a break. And he is right, you can save his dinner for tomorrow. Sometimes you need to go with the flow and not be upset.

My husband knows the best way to keep me not fuming mad is to be 100% honest with me...your husband should have told you he would probably have dinner out with his friend, and if not, that he would make himself a sandwich. Honestly, you communicated with him, he ignored you, and you're the bad guy? No...sorry. He didn't communicate at all and I'd be mad on a few levels too. Not huge fight mad, but enough to have a chat about what my expectations are and what his expectations are in regards to dinner at home or just being fully honest with plans.

Let it go. Bigger fish to fry. My guess is that the friend felt bad for keeping your husband so long and offered food and your husband graciously accepted.

Leftovers!

Don't read shame into this. Seriously. If my husband had done the same, I'd have just told him to have a good time.

You knew his friend would likely invite him out. Perhaps you could have told your hubby this "Hey, since you guys will probably go out to eat I'm going to go do something for myself".

It was very likely he was going to go out to eat with him. But you expected hubby to choose to come home to you instead. It sounds like you want him all to yourself. You should get to go out with your friends as well as he can.

Do you cook a separate meal for him than you do for the rest of your family? If you like to do that, continue, but if what happened in your question happens, just make it when you would normally, and put it in the fridge for him if he doesn't get home when he says he will. He can eat leftovers the next day.

He was annoying with what he did, but you're warming up food for a grown man when he's late. I'm a care-taking person myself, so I get it, but we can OVER care with this kind of thing.

I agree with your husband. He should be able to eat out with his friend and eat the dinner the next day.

I think you need to be more flexible.

I think what he did was annoying (he probably WANTED to have dinner with his friend all along and should have told you that up front) but I wouldn't have been mad about it. Sometimes my husband's plans change or he decides to eat at our club, and he doesn't always tell me before I start cooking. I just wrap up whatever's left to be eaten later, no biggie.
Don't read too much into it, I doubt he's "ashamed" of having a wife at home!

I think this is a time where it would have been safer all around to have a "flexible schedule" for the evening.

It seems this friend likes to "pay back" your husband for helping him with computer work by taking him out to dinner. That is really nice.

Your husband already said he would be home for dinner (not expecting a dinner out because you help your friends just to help not to get a dinner).

Another factor is when your husband tells you 45 minutes is it usually really 45 minutes or is it usually longer? For instance my husband's 30 minutes really means a hour...I have just learned this about him...15 minutes means thirty...etc. The only one he really means is when he texts me that he is "On his way" that means he is in the car on his way home.

You were being super awesome in fixing him dinner and having it ready with the information you were given. That is really really nice. However, was he right that it would keep and could be reheated? If so, put his in the fridge and enjoy eating yours while watching tv or reading a book.

I can understand why you were upset about making a dinner then him not eating it...you went to the trouble and he didn't seems to appreciate it. However, I think telling a grown man to come home and eat his dinner, is more in line of telling a child to come home...not how a spouse would respond to their equal.

I can see both sides... He could have communicated better but I think he was trying to keep you from getting mad (didn't work and backfired). You were upset he wasn't putting you first over his friend and appreciating the effort you put into cooking.

Call it a draw and make up and move on and learn from this experience to both communicate better. Hugs!!

no he's not ashamed. He eats with you most nights.
While I understand your frustration, you need to let it go.
He didn't want to tell his friend "another time" because his friend was offering THEN to take him out....NOT another time.
For me? I don't get a lot of nights out without the kids or husband....I would JUMP at the chance to have dinner out with a girlfriend, even if it was last minute.
L.

You said it yourself. Friend likes to eat out. You should have assumed he was going to eat out. If he did not, then when he got home he could make himself something. So to answer your question; too sensitive.

Honestly - if you're mainly upset he didn't have dinner with you, I think you're being way too h*** o* him. We don't have background though. Is he out all the time? Never home? Then it'd be different. But if he's home 75% of the time then let him eat with his friend! It was spontaneous. He likely wanted to have fun with a friend. Good for him. The communication could have been better. That would annoy me a bit yet he did text as soon as his friend offered. Way harder to reschedule with his friend than have dinner with you tonight and maybe every other night this week?

He was inconsiderate. I would probably be irritated also only because you had asked specifically if he'd be home or going out and he said home and then gave you a time for it.

Put the plate in the fridge and take the kids out for ice cream

A little bit of both, I think. He should have just said he didn't know what time he would be home and you shouldn't have been too upset that his plans changed.

It would have been rude to tell the friend to buy your husband dinner another time. That's just one of those things that needs to be accepted at the time of offer.

In the end this is not important enough for you or him to get up in arms about especially if this is a rare occurrence.

I think the initial assumptions were way off. Computer repairs often taken longer than anticipated, and you say the guys frequently go out.

It sounds like you are used to waiting on him, is that right? You say you usually prep dinner so he can eat right away. So he's used to you being at his beck and call?? Is that why you continued to text him over and over, rather than just let him get home when he gets home?

I wouldn't have prepared dinner the first time when he said "45 minutes" and I certainly wouldn't have started up again when he said "10 minutes". You two kind of got yourselves in a bind because you were constantly asking him when he would be home, and he was just giving you an answer (perhaps based on his best estimate, perhaps just to get you off the phone). So it wasn't going to end well no matter what.

You can't go back, you can only go forward. So the next time, tell him he's on his own for dinner, whether that's going out with his buddy, stopping for take out, or coming home to fix himself something. He can go with whatever feels right based on how long his computer work is taking or how long their social night is taking. Take yourself out of the equation completely by having something else to do, whether it's seeing a friend or reading a book or watching a movie on TV. Don't wait for him, don't cook, don't keep a plate warm, just take care of yourself. If you're worried about safety, he can text you when he's leaving and heading home - that's reasonable.

The problem here is not the dinner. It's the need for you to orchestrate the whole evening, and his unwillingness to make a decision and inform you. He placated you and kept giving you different answers, which was unfair. You kind of insisted on his eating your dinner, and you kept texting him in the middle of his evening, which probably made you look like a bit of a nag. I'd say neither one of you really looked too considerate.

I think you should move on. It would be nice if he acknowledged his participation in the creation of the problem. I think it's 50-50. Learn from it, and do not under any circumstances make him a dinner every time he's out.

Did you say you were fixing dinner and did he say he would come home for dinner during those calls? Or did you assume he was coming home? This could just be a matter of miscommunication.

You know his friend likes to go out and eat. Why did you keep calling? I suggest this may be more about you not giving your husband enough space and he responding passively aggressively.

I would've fed myself and children when it was time to it and let him take care of himself. I often don't know when I'm coming home or going to my daughter's or a friend. I've learned to say go along without me. I get irritated when people try to pin me down. I want the freedom to decide for myself.

If this is an every night or every week thing I might say something different. But I would suggest that this is a communication thing that can be worked out without taking offense.

You think he's disrespectful of you. If that's true then you are disrespectful of him. Fighting will not fix it. Respect each other. Know that apparently the two of you have different expectations. Now you have an opportunity to work them out so both of you are happy.

no big deal.. but I would have eaten a bowl of cereal myself while he was out doing whatever with his friend..

I do not cook dinner form people that are not home.. cause they often run late..

My husband does this sort of thing every once in a while. It drives me nuts. If he says he will be home at a certain time, I expect him to be there. If he doesn't know when he will be home or doesn't want to commit to a time for some reason, I am fine with that, but if you say you will be home for dinner at six, you had better be there.

I have no problem with my husband going out with friends, I don't even need him to tell me exactly what time he will be back, but if he gives a time, I want him to honor it. Not doing so seems disrespectful to me.

He is being inconsiderate.

He should be able to eat out with his friend but he should also be able to tell his friend "that would be great but I need to do it another time cause Suzy already has my dinner ready tonight". Sounds like he didn't initially plan to go to dinner with his buddy but when the opportunity presented, he decided to go with the flow....no big deal if he hadn't already told you he would be home for dinner and/or if he had told you sooner that plans had changed.

I would have probably put the food away when he had not shown up after an hour and went on my merry way. Plan your meals at a set time and stick to them. If he shows up he eats with the family if he is late, he eats alone.

Once my husband did something a bit off. It was a Sunday dinner and he decided to get a box of vanilla wafer and eat the whole box. When dinner was ready he could not eat. The plates had been served and set upon the table. He angered me so much that I dumped his whole meal in the dog's bowl. I responded to him that at least the dog enjoyed the meal. I didn't prepare him anything else to eat. He was on his own. That was the only time he ever did that.

I am a grown woman and a partner not momma to my husband. I make sure is cared for and safe and has clean clothes and food. It is up to him as to when he does eat if after the meal is prepared. I will not call and bug him about time to eat. If it is cold it is cold when he eats it. We have microwaves to heat it up.

Learn from this that it is not all that. This is minor to what can go wrong in a marriage. A small blip on the screen and not a mountain to die on.

He was inconsiderate. He could have called or texted and said that he was going to eat with Bob and not to hold dinner. You could have ate accordingly.

the other S.

To tell you the truth...If I were your husband and you test me that many times (yes, 2 or 3 times is too many) I would have had a fit. Maybe it's because I come from a time when we didn't have cell phones and didn't know every single move a person made or every thought they ever had. I'm 63. More relationship have been screwed up due to cell phone and testing, then for any other reason now days.

Maybe the idea of him going to eat with his friend didn't come up until after he said he would be home for dinner. You made dinner and he didn't come home to eat it. Big deal. You had to make dinner for yourself anyway. Put it in the fridge and warm it up the next day for him.

My answer is both. He was not respecting you, but you being so upset seems overboard.

However, this is coming from a wife of a pilot and my husband is NEVER home when he tells me. Not entirely his fault, but I never ever expect him home when he says. Whether he says he will be home by 5, be home in the evening, or be home that day. He can say he will be home Tuesday, and then it ends up Friday. Its just the way it is. I personally think you should be grateful he is home when he says he is a majority of the time.

You let him know how it made you feel, now its time to drop it and hope he learns from this.

I want to think you haven't been married very long. Next time make dinner, have it ready when you said you would. when you get hungry tell him you are going to eat and save his food in the microwave. He doesn't come home when he said he was, put it in the refrigerator.
Pick you battles, and if he is otherwise a good man, lighten up!

Knowing that his friend loves to eat out, I would have assumed that there might be a last-minute invitation. But I still would have been miffed that he knew I was cooking, had already told me several times that he was coming home for dinner, and wouldn't tell his friend, "Another time. B.'s already got dinner waiting for me."
Yes, he should be able to eat out with his friend, but he should have enough consideration for you to not tell you, in effect, that all the time and effort you put forth in making a meal for him was less valuable than the prospect of hanging with his buddy a little longer. .

He dropped the ball by saying he would be home at a certain time and then choosing to do something else. (It wasn't as if he was stuck in New York traffic.)

You dropped the ball by saying to him, "You just told your friend yes, but now tell him no."

I suggest that next time he plans to help this friend, you and he decide on a reasonable dinner hour. He should promise to keep his word to you, and you should promise not to sound like an angry mama. It may still be problematic, but it might be more in the right direction.

your husband is being disrespectful big time. i would have zero issue with him going out to eat, but keeping you dangling like that and then blaming you for it is uber dickwad behavior.
do not accept it.
khairete
S.

How can he know how much it would upset you if you didn't communicate that you were making dinner, warming it up, etc? He's not a mind-reader. Next time make your intentions clear and I bet both if you will be happier.

There is a lack of information. You said his friend "treated him to dinner." What does that mean? Did they go out to eat and his friend paid? Or, did they stay in, and his friend cooked dinner for them? If the answer is the latter, then I think your husband is cheating on you. There is no way that his friend was going to cook dinner for him at his house, and if that is what he is claiming, then I really think he may be cheating on you.

But, if they went out to eat and his friend paid, that is totally fine, and I think you were too sensitive. So his plans changed, so what? He went over to do a favor, and his friend wanted to treat him to dinner. Totally normal and not disrespectful at all.

I agree that he was saying what he thought would make you happy. I have been honest with my husband. I said it is less of a production when i just make a simple salad and frozen food for the kids.

edit: Now he says he will be late and he will either eat something else or warm up something at home.

edit: i had a friend who charges her husband money when he is late (i think this lasted for a couple of months and now over with the charge).

I would not have been mad. he could eat it the next day or take it to lunch.