Is It Me, or Is This Kind of Crappy?

She sounds a little self absorbed & competitive. The kid's birthday was over 3 months ago... hasn't the idea of a party kind of lost it's luster? I don't know... I think a baby shower is more time sensitive & important than another kid party. Just my .02, but yes, I would be pissed.

I would call each and every one of the people I was planning to invite to the shower and remind them the shower is that weekend and the reservations have already been made and cannot be changed. Tell them to please send their condolences to the other mom, I would tell the ones I was close to that she asked if there were plans that weekend before she planned her parties. So she knew what she was doing.

I would also talk to her once I had called each and every person and tell her that inviting the guest of honor to a different party on her own shower day was not very kind.

She may have been thinking it would give the dads something to do but seriously, what about the ones that have kids of different ages. They will have to try and fine babysitters for the siblings or take them all along.

I like the idea of having the dads take the kids to the party so the Moms can enjoy the shower.
OR.......
Call the birthday mom and remind her the baby shower is the same day and time and since she is hosting the birthday party, you could do the shower at her house also.

Two or three parties and only one mess to clean up and it's her mess. (not that you wouldn't help clean up but you get my idea I hope)

She sounds busy. I would call and say something like, "I just got your invitation! I don't know if you remember, but Pregnant Friend's shower is actually on that exact day at that exact time. Didn't you want to go to her shower?" This might actually be a good thing because the moms can drop their kids at your friends' kids' birthday party while they attend the shower. Sorry for your mess! Good luck!

Lynn's suggestion sounds great! :)
-----------------------------------------------
Just saw your ETA. Tough situation, you are right. Call your friend, and ask her if she remembered your mentioning your plan for the Baby shower, and tell her in a light manner, but frankly, that her beating you to that date is blowing up your plan, as many invitees are the same. And also tell her that you planned that date keeping in mind the pregnant friends's due date, and so it would be difficult to stretch it beyond.
And do bring up the suggestion of dad's getting the kids, or moms dropping off the kids and moving to the baby shower.
Even though it sounds rude to call her back, I think she deserves it. She owes you an explanation for doing it like this especially after she discussed with you earlier and knew your plans. See what answer she gives you...

Well u did say not to plan around you and she didn't. So I don't see why yor pissed. Maybe she forgot about the shower that doesn't make her selfish it makes her human!

The rotten side of me says:

Send out your invitations for the shower anyway. Then, just assume she'll cancel the birthday party "due to illness."

The kind side of me:

Doesn't have anything positive to say right now. Sorry.

If she really is a friend, what about taking a deep breath and at least giving her a tiny bit of "benefit of the doubt" here?

Maybe she really, truly screwed up and thought your event was the Saturday and not the Sunday. If you think of her as a friend before this -- why not simply ask her? "Hey, I need to talk. I think you may have mistaken what I said about X's baby shower when you scheduled the birthday party. I said the shower was at 2 on Sunday but did you think I said Saturday? We have a conflict here and with X's baby due in four weeks it's going to be hard to reschedule her shower, and pretty much the same folks are invited to both, including X herself. What do you suggest we do here? Did you mistake the day maybe?" That leaves it in her court to express how appalled she is at getting the dates wrong if that's what happened.

If she boldly says, "Oh, I knew, I just figured that the dads would bring the kids to our party and those who want to go to the tea can leave early to make it there," you can tell her that you're upset that she knew and still arranged a direct conflict. But it's not something to explode over with her, if you have a ton of friends all in the same circle who will see you and her over and over for years to come. Handle it gracefully and they'll all know; go crazy and curse her out and they'll know that too. She is in the wrong, but if she genuinely made an error, work with her. If you're not sure it was genuine but she still claims she made an error -- still work with her. Take the high road even though you are angry.

You did say for her not to plan "specifically around me." Possibly she had no real clue that the guest lists would be identical. But you gave her the green light to plan for Sunday when you said that.

One big thing I notice -- a child's party that lasts four solid hours?! She has 11-3 on the invitations; that sounds more like an open house than a party. You could suggest she amend things for the party to be 11-1 or whatever so that it's clear folks can attend both. That may be the simplest solution. Or she may say, the idea was that it's a drop-in, open house thing and I figured folks who were going to the tea at 2 would just come on the early side and leave, and those who aren't going could come later. In other words -- she may already have thought about accommodating your time frame. But you won't know unless you ask.

Another choices is to move your event to 4-6 p.m.; or move it to the very next weekend as someone else who posted suggested. I know that a twice-delayed kid birthday party seems far, far less important that a one-time-only baby shower but her invitations are out now, and that means folks are putting this on their calendars and to me at least, the first invitation accepted is the one that has priority even if a later one is more desirable. It would be ideal for all moms involved to do the shower while all dads do the party, if you and she work together and notify everyone as a duo that that's the way to handle it. But it's complicated to do that. I'd ask baby shower mom about moving the shower by one weekend.

If you havent sent out to invites yet for you shower, is it possible to change times to be after that birthday? since birthday mom did that, there is not away around that. Its really stinky of her to do that, especially if she knew, but then there is the possibility she forgot, or it slipped. I have done that before. Just to keep peace and be able to get as many as you can to come to the shower maybe have it before the party. No it wouldnt look bad to have the shower on the same day, considering you already told her about that plan, but a quick call to reminder what she did and that you are going to do this, would be nice to avoid hurt feelings and alleviate a little of your vinegar about the situation. Pissed? oh hell yea I would be, but I dont know there is another alternative for your pregnant friend.

I'm w/CW & Leigh- you told her not to schedule around you and now you're calling her selfish? You can't say that to someone, assume they'll do what you would, then get mad at them when they don't. If it would have bothered you, perhaps you should have been honest. If you don't have any flexibility to reschedule the other event, I say let it go. It is crappy, but you can't control anyone else.

Hi J. R.
I am going to provide another perspective. and I share this from experience. As i too sometimes get caught up with things that in the scheme of things and not as major as they seem at the time.
In this context,
I would perhaps focus on the joy of the event and just reschedule. I would not want you to waste time or energy on this issue, no matter how frustrating (and I am not downgrading this. I just want for you to be able to let it slide off of you and move forward. does that make sense).

I would take a deep breath, and would just reschedule and forget about it. again, for you. for your well-being.

It sounds like the other momma is doing her best as well, and we can all make mistakes. I would forgive in my heart, forget and move forward. For you.

Best of Luck,
Jilly

That's WAY CRAPPY and she's clinging to the delayed birthday party way too hard.

I would STRAIGHT UP say, "Hey, why did you send invites for the date I told you I was planning the shower for all the same people?" And see what she says. No matter what she says, say, "Well, I'm sticking to that plan, so just letting you know." (if you truly can't easily move it) I would also let everyone involved know what happened, keep a civil tone, send your own invites, and let the chips fall. No matter how many people come to the shower, make it special, and if the showeree goes to the b-day party instead (who the hell cares about this kid's delayed birthday??? I mean, I have kids who are the world to me too, but I would never go this far to have the dang party months later) then you're off the hook. You won't look like the bad guy if you're nice about whatever people decide to do while sticking to your guns.

If the shower is movable, just move it.

ps. a four hour birthday party is torture-the whole thing sounds weird on her part.

OMG you are making a big deal out of this. Just don't go. You made your plans already, so don't even bother to approach her. She has to plan her birthday party and you have to plan your shower...I really doubt she deviously planned and tried to cut your plans off...she simply sent you an invitation and unfortunately, it conflicts, so you can't go...period! I bet if she had the party and didn't invite you, you would probably fuss about that too. I believe she is just being courteous to invite you, not obligating you to come.

well, it may be crappy and frustrating, but i wouldn't be mad about it. schedules are so hard to tweak, and sometimes events overlap. OFTEN events overlap. maybe even usually. it's just part of life. i would never expect my friends to all coordinate with each other when planning events, and i'd jolly well expect them to be groovy with whatever choice i made about attendance and not get hurt and huffy.
if it's out of character for this friend to be selfish, why not assume she's NOT being selfish? i balls up my calendar all the time. just sigh and plan your party and enjoy it.
khairete
S.

I would be SUPER po'd, dont really know if there is anything you can do now that invites were sent out. I would hope that the mutual friends would realize how important the baby shower is. Maybe the dad's can take the kids to the kid party and the mom's can attend the baby shower? If I was one of the invitees, I myself would go to the shower. Good luck!

I read your post and ETA. Who is the party about, the child or HER? My heart goes out to the child if he or she still really wants a birthday party that had to be cancelled twice due to illness. If my child was invited, I would do everything I could to make sure my child, the birthday child's friend, attends the party. If Dad takes her, Grandma, a neighbor or babysitter, it doesn't matter. She would come with a gift and prepared to have a great time with her little friend, especially knowing she missed out twice already on her party. Now as far is ME attending, especially if I had already told my friend I had a shower that day, I would NOT feel a bit guilty for skipping the birthday party and just going to the shower. For her to expect the Moms all be there, especially with such a legitimate conflict, is unreasonable. I just have to wonder who the party is really about. Does her child really care if her MOM's friends are there? I think your friend needs to lower her expectations, especially on the 2nd reschedule during an extremely busy time of year. She should be grateful if most of the kids are able to attend.

Well, you said not to plan it around you, and I guess she took that to heart. Most of the parties we have been to, the dads are always the ones bringing the kids, so even though she wants her friends to attend, that is not necessarily what she will get. You could always have your shower at 3 if you are worried, but I am not thinking it will be an issue. who knows, maybe they will be sick yet again. If it is really bothering you, just say, "hey, just wondering why you planned the party for the time when everyone is going to be invited to the shower." Maybe she has a legitimate reason.

What a jerk.

I assume she isn't invited to the shower?

You could still do your tea. Do it at 2:30. 4 hours for a 5 year old bday party seems long to me. The moms can drop the tired kids off with dad and head to a tea. I would then just tell everyone you had this date set months ago. In fact, I would call a few of my closest friends and ask them what I should do. Let a few of the guest decide what is best, especially if that date is the best day for the pregnant lady.

Honestly, that sucks. Do any of the invitees to the shower already know when you were planning to have it? I think I would just go ahead and send out the invitations just like you planned.

The kids party starts at 11:00. Maybe folks will do both. Kids' party at 11:00, leave at 1:00-1:30 and then show up for the tea at 2:00. Rarely would I expect a kids' party to last 4 hours. Most barely last 2 hours.

How old are the kids involved?

I really expect that if you go ahead and mail your invitations, that quite a lot of the crossmatched guests will opt to leave the birthday party early or skip it altogether. I know I would. I'm sorry, but (call me whatever you want to, but..) I don't "do" kids' parties 3 months after the fact. At that point, you just do something private with your kids and call it good. Promise them the moon for a make-up party next year. But you don't reschedule it for a THIRD time 3 or 4 months past the birthday. That's just... I don't know what.. tacky? Weird? ... ?

I don't see how an adult party conflicts with a kid party. The children go to the birthday party, the adults go to the shower. What's the problem?
Oh, just read your ETA. That is just WEIRD. I never expected MY friends to come to my kids' parties, that is odd.
Besides, birthday parties happen every year, a baby shower is a once in a lifetime event, so that absolutely makes it top priority. Feel free to cut and paste my response and send it to your friend if you like. She sounds like she's being REALLY immature :(

I don't know your friend, but you say being selfish is out of character for her. SO - is it possible that this was just the best time for the party based on *everyone's* responses? Honestly, I doubt that your planned event registered as anything other than *your* conflict to her. It's quite likely that a variety of frriends had conflicts and she picked the date and time with the least conflicts.

Her kids are long past ready to celebrate.

Unless there is 100% overlap in your friends, I'm unclear on why this is an issue. Why assume the worst motives?

I try *really* hard to be respectful, but I don't know any other way to ask this: Why does not planning her children's event around YOU make HER selfish? I'm sorry - I feel like I must be missing something.

ETA: This question is really sticking in my head....you told her NOT to plan around you and now you are angry that she did not plan around you. Why act like you're "cool" about something then get angry because she didn't know you meant something other than what you said? I am surprised to be in the minority in these comments.

A lot of commenters seem to be caught up on the cancelled parties. My friends who have had to do this have kids with serious health issues. And they tend to seize the day when their kids are well - and they know it won't last so they try not to delay. So maybe I am seeing this differently.

But why tell her NOT to plan around you if that is not what you mean? And why is she selfish when her party was not for you?

Please tell me I have missed some detail the other commenters caught. If I was in your friends shoes, I'd think you *wanted* to be angry with me; otherwise, you would have asked me *to* plan around your event rather than misleading me. I'd also wonder why you thought I was selfish not to plan my kids' day around YOU- especially after you'd told me specifically NOT to do so? I don't expect people to tell me the opposite of what they mean. Is this communication style a SoCal thing?

I'm sorry to sound harsh and I hope it all works out for the best for you.

Best to you,
e

11-3? What kind of kids party takes four hours?

If she knew when the shower was, I think it is crappy. Next time send save the date cards out early, then followup with an invitation.

I agree, let the dads take the kids to the birthday party... so the moms can enjoy the shower.. No problem.

Worked out great!

I agree with Lynn, the moms can take their kids to her kids bday party then all of you can have fun at the shower! LOL! But yes, I would be beyond pissed! Good luck!

wow. I"m hoping she just got confused otherwise what a jerk.

PLEASE update us and let us know what happens!

I would hope this isn't something she deliberately did because I would venture a guess that planning a THIRD birthday on a conflicting day will likely mean that she won't have any attendees at yet another party.
I, personally, would attend the baby shower with no regrets as the kids birthdays have long passed. I think most people would feel the same way if invited to both, especially in light of the fact she expects even the adults to attend the kids birthday party.
Seriously, she's already cancelled parties twice before. At this point, it's a little weird to expect people to build everything around her planning or choose her party over another event.
Like I said, she could end up with no one at her party.

Just my opinion.

I agree with Mommy R.'s ETA. Call up birthday mom and discuss it. "Hey, I just saw your invite to X's party. Is it too late to rework your day or time? I don't know if you remember, by that was the same day, and nearly the same time of the baby shower I was going to throw, and I wanted you, and especially pregnant mom to be there. Do you think we can work this out together in some way?" Wait for her response. Then add your suggestions if need be. If she doesn't back down on the day or time, then ask about hosting the two events together....something I'm sure you never wanted to do. Ugh.

You have every right to call her out on it privately. If she doesn't back down, or suggest an alternative, then I would call pregnant mom and see if there is another date/time. If not, then I would send out your invite for the shower ASAP. Let the other moms decide which party they want to attend. THen, I'm sure the dads will drop off the kids, or the moms will exit the bday party early, or choose to attend just one of them (probably yours). Then, expect her to be pissy with you about trying to trump her party. More than likely, she will not be able to attend the shower if she holds to her date/time and you hold to yours.

It totally sucks that she did this, and yeah, I would be pissed too. You had that exact conversation with her, it wasn't like she had NO idea. Let us know what happens!

If I were you, I'd go talk to the mom-to-be and tell her what has happened. As crappy as this all seems, you now have the problem of making your friends feel the same way about you as you do about this other woman. And you don't want to do that. Ask the mom-to-be for another weekend. She deserves to have good attendance at her baby shower, and she won't get it if she has to compete with the other woman's party.

I'm sorry this woman did this.

Dawn

Yeah I think it is kinda crappy...it does sound like she took you at face value and did not schedule around your inability to make it. It also sounds like she did not consider that the guest list would be the same for both parties. Since I do not know her, I do not know if this was intentional or she is scatterbrained.

It also seems strange to schedule a kid birthday party so far after the birthday. If the original party could not be rescheduled immediately, I think that I would have just changed the plans to be a small family thing for that year.

Personally, I would say something to the other mom privately and end up scheduling the shower starting at 4.

That's beyond crappy. Yes confront her. I wish she was the one asking the question on here about whether she should have a b-day party for her kids months after both of their b-days AND plan it on the exact same day as your other friend's baby shower.Then maybe she could've got some sense knocked into her. 2 no no's in one right there.
First, unless my kids were just dying to have their belated b-day party, I'd let that one go. Take 'em somewhere special, have a cake and presents with immediate family members, and get 'er done son! Lol seriously, just too much time has passed already.
Second, there is no way that she could've forgotten 4 hrs later about your plans unless she is totally brain dead. Yes she absolutely rushed to send out invites to beat you to the punch. Very slimy. Now you will look like the dimwit if you choose the same day.
Please confront her, even if you do have to change your date which I probably would, she still shouldn't get away with this. If you must still have it the same day, I'd recommend to friends to arrive to hers early so they can leave early and make it to the shower. I'd also make sure to let them know you already planned this day well in advance so you don't look bad.

I would be annoyed, however I think I would just schedule my event for another day. Maybe the following weekend. Since her invites already went out and your didn't then I would just reschedule yours. I know you are annoyed and rightfully so but confronting her I don't think is going to change anything. It's over, so move on and focus on hosting an amazing bridal shower for your friend.

It is possible that it was an oversight on her part? You know, with this being the third party date that she is trying to plan and now for two kids, I think, right? I mean, I was sort of getting confused with date just reading your post, so maybe your friend may have mistakenly thought that you said that your only free date was that Saturday in June, not the opposite. It could have been just a mistake. I would call her and ask. If you are shy to do that, then maybe send a text or email -- that way that will give her time to look at the dates again.

Who schedules a birthday party for 4 hours? For 5 year olds, really! 11:00 to 1:00 would have been ideal and then the moms could have taken their kiddos home and then refreshed for their tea. Just saying.

Hmmm. I need more info. Did you tell the birthday mom exactly who the shower was for? In your post, you said that the birthday mom invited the mom-to-be to the birthday party as well as a lot of the tea's potential guests. If yes, then that's a dis. If not, it's probably a mistake. Either way, you could still have the baby shower/tea at 3 or 3:30 so the mom-to-be and her friends could come, and still attend the birthday party. I'd say let it go this time and if birthday mom continues this inconsiderate behavior, cut her out of your life. Life's too short to be friends with people who are that inconsiderate. BTW, why in the world is birthday mom having a party 6 months after the fact????? Me, I'd save the money and throw them a really awesome birthday party the next year with inflatables or something like that.

yes I would be mad but I would just take the high road.

I would move the shower to the opposite day of the party ( either sat or sun).

If you can't then have the shower at 4. That way mom's have a chance to bring the kids home and get to the shower. You can still have tea and some light hor dourves. Im sure after a kids birthday party they are going to need the tea to mellow out. Plus it leaves the hyper kids with dad while you all get to calm down and have a nice time together.

If you need to leave early to get ready for the shower that's just the way it has to be... your friend knew of the day you wanted it and if she gets an attitude about it, remind her ( in front of everyone if that's where she brings it up) that you had told her before she planned the birthday party what time and date you wanted to do the shower.

I wouldn't leave it up to the dad's to take the kids... I know my husband wouldn't sit around at a birthday party. He would drop them off and pick them up but not sit there.

Maybe she messed up which day you told her? That's the only thing that I can think of? I would definitely call her. I am sure once you remind her that was the day you were going to the shower she will feel bad, or at least I hope she will. She has cancelled and rescheduled this party twice already, what's one more?

I agree with you....but just schedule it at a different time and day. Do a Sunday brunch the next weekend. My SIL does this since our kid's birthdays are April 1 and April 2nd. She sends out the invites 3 months early to get the control. I let her. Be the bigger woman and just move your party. Your friend isn't stupid. Pay attention to these types of red flags. This was NOT a simple mistake.

Asking HER to change the end time is inappropriate.

Also, getting invited to a kid's party for FOUR hours sounds nothing short of hell for me. We have our kid's parties for 2 hours and serve wine. LOL