Is This Crying Normal?

This crying is indeed normal as she is just the right age to experience "stranger danger". It is really a good thing and passes pretty quickly. If you need to get out, try inviting the prospective sitter in for an afternoon so that she can see you interacting well with this person. Might take a few trys.

T.-

I wish I could help you - my 2.5 yo is extraordinarily clingy and cries sometime even when Daddy picks him up - I just wanted to tell you that you are NOT spoiling her by holding her when she cries. I think you have what they call a "high need" little one. Now that mine is older, I talk to him a lot about his constant need to be carried (he's wearing me out at 30 pounds) and that is helping a lot. I wish you the best - hang in there!
-A.

This is sooo normal for what is known as a "high-needs" child!!! My son was/is the same exact way. I just recently read an article by Dr. Sears about "fussy babies", and how once you stop thinking of them this way, it really does get easier. (babytalk, May 2005) My son is now 17 months, I still am at home with him (working as a nanny/sitter/dog walker), and I am also still nursing. I thought all of this would mean a well adjusted toddler who wouldn't need to be held almost evey second, like when he was a little babe. NOPE! But I will say it gets easier--in some ways, harder in others....but one thing that has helped is not getting upset myself-I know easier said than done! All I can say is that when I stopped feeling frustrated with his neediness and looked at it as a strong attatchment, we both seemed happier! If he would sit in the sling I would make dinner, and if not, fresh salads when Dad got home....if I wanted that shower, he simply joined me....so I have been his end all be all....and now this is still the case, but he stayed with a sitter for 5 hours without crying, he stays with Grandma while I run errands and not a tear......it takes a lot of deep breathes and sacrifices, but in the end you have one balanced little girl/boy who knows they always have a safe and secure place to go !!!! If you want to talk more, I am open to it! I guess I can not tell you what is right or wrong (I'm sure you know your heart always does that!:-)), but I can share my tales and trials, laughs and tears, hopes and fears....best of luck, and blessings!

T.,

In my experience, it is entirely normal. My son went through it too. He's just never been wild about people he doesn't know. Now, even at 3, he doesn't warm up to people quickly at all. And I work full time so he's had babysitters and even daycare for a period of time since he was tiny. My strongest recommendation is to get a regular sitter and use her as frequently as you can so that your daughter is comfortable around her. When you leave, never sneak out. Always say 'bye' 'I love you' and 'Mommy will be back in a few hours.' A certain amount of separation anxiety is normal but some kids have it worse than others. As for people telling you that you are spoiling your kid, I don't think paying attention to her feelings about the situation is spoiling her at all. I have a real problem with the idea that you can spoil an infant by paying attention to them and meeting their needs. Being a hands on parent is more work but it is worth it. By being available, you teach your daughter she can depend on you. By not responding, you teach your daughter that her needs don't matter. Which one of those lessons would you rather give her and which one is healthier long term? Some kids are just needier than others and I don't think pushing them away is the answer. My son got a lot easier in some ways as he got mobile - he got less needy - but then he was into everything so in some ways he got harder. LOL They are tiny for such a short period of time. Cherish it.

Hi T.,

I went through this with my daughter around this age as well. She would not ride in the stroller ever and I was constantly holding her. I have to say I don't believe you can spoil an 8 month old baby, but that's just my opinion. If you have a backpack or a sling, you might try carrying her while you go about your day.

I was a stay at home mom, very isolated in Hawaii when my daughter was this age so she wasn't around alot of people either. She did eventually grow out of it. And she has no problems being with other people, in fact she is quite independent now at 21 months. I say follow your instsincts and don't let other people's opinions make you feel bad or guilty about choices you've made so far. You know your baby best!!

Hope I have been of some help. Good luck!!

E.

Ok - this is exactly how my daughter was - from 3 months she wouldn't let anyone else hold her - cried when we left the room and was rarely happy just sitting alone without either of us right beside her. I ignored everyone's advice to let her cry and that "catering" to her would make it worse etc etc. Instead - we decided she needed a little more than other babies - we held her and cuddled her and never forced her to go to anyone else. Most of all - we never apologized for our daughter. I even bought a backpack and did my chores with her on my back where she could smell me, touch my hair and listen to me singing to her. She is now 2 1/2 and the most common compliment I hear is how well adjusted, confident and secure our little girl is. She needed us to build that in her - to let her know we were always there when she needed us and that we would NEVER leave her. She wasn't trying to be manipulative or spoiled - she was just herself and I am so glad we treated her like a human being with real fears and feelings. Believe me - it is all too soon that they don't want you to hold them!! Do what feels right for you and your lovely baby and she will grow out of it, you might even be sad when she does!

I have 3 boys and with each of them your heart just melts when they cry. I dont think people can say you are spoiling but you are letting her run the show. I would just let her cry some times. I think she needs to learn to hang with her self. I would start slow if you need to do dishes or make dinner let her cry. But i would talk to her about it let her know that you are still around but that you have to take care of some things. good luck

Hi T.! I went through something very similar with both of my kids. I was a stay at home mom and we didn't have any family near by at the time either. My son (who is now 4) and my daughter (3) both cried when anyone but me held them. Even daddy most of the time. But they are fine with others now. And you can't spoil your baby at this age. I believe it's something your dd will grow out of eventually. Just try to enjoy the time you have now, because they do grow up fast!

This sound just like what i had to go thriugh with my daughter. She is now 11 months old but she did the same thing around 6 months. I never put her down when she was first born and now i feel that i pay for it. I used to rock her to sleep for every bed time and i had to make myself just put her in the crib when i knew she was tired and let her put herself to sleep. It was so hard to not rock her but she now puts her self to sleep at nap time. I really found that just letting her cry and figure it out for her self that i can not hold her every second she is kinda out growing the hole thing. I think its somthing they will out grow. I know its so hard because you dont want to feel like a bad mom, but trust me its not bad to let them cry...............

Hi T.!
You are doing nothing wrong! You obviously love your baby and as any good mommy want to meet her needs. Have you read Taffy N's and Lindsey H's responses? If you only have time for two, read them, they're right on! And then relax, continue to meet her needs, and watch her grow to be a well-adjusted, secure, happy child and adult. Happy mommy-ing!

You can never spoil your child so don't feel guilty. She is going through separation anxiety right now and this is perfectly normal. I have a one year old and he still cries when I take him to daycare or even when he wakes up and I go to another room. I know it can be difficult and if you need a break go on your dates and try not to feel quilty and know soon you will be back to your baby. If there is anyone else in the family you can trust that the baby is comfortable with with I would try them. You don't want to get yourself frustated or the father so you two should talk about taking turns now and then. It's hard when the only thing you hear is a baby crying and you need to support each other as much as possible. Maybe you could even bring someone to the house to interact with the baby even while your at home so you can get a break. Even if it's for 30 or 40 minutes because you can get overwhelmed. This can be a difficult stage for you as parents and the baby.

All three of my children were like this. My son was the worst and most recent, he would go to anybody, then all of a sudden it was just mom and dad. My husband was traveling at the time so I felt like I never got a break. Sometimes I had to just let him cry, but I really tried not to. It breaks my heart when he is so sad. It's not because she is spoiled, I cant believe people would say that about a 9 month old! This is normal, it's worse for stay at home moms because you are with her most. You could try getting a carrier or a sling. this will keep your hands free to do other things. My son is now 15 months old and is starting to let others hold him (although still very choosey) and play on his own, and with his sisters.
One thing my husband and I started doing is having date nights at home. I know this sounds lame, we had to make some rules and it couldnt be the only dates we had. We are not the type of people who will sit in front of the TV together in the evenings. My husband is always doing something what he calls "productive". So spending time together where we are giving each other full attention at home is rare for us. Anyway, you could try this. I'm suprised how well I like it. I don't know if I would have liked it when we only had one child though.
Good luck! The saying "this too shall pass" is always in my head. but then I always think "then there will be something else thats going to drive me crazy!" I'm just glad it's not all at once! I think you just have to accept it to stay sane. And not take others critism personally. Thats my opinion anyway.

You're not doing anything wrong! My husband and I went through that with our three youngest. We would have to sneek out even when they were with their grandparents. It's just another one of those stages that kids go through. Continue to get her out and around other people. Find a friend that you really trust and try to go out every once in a while and leave your daughter with a babysister. If you wanted to let the babysitter know that you might call and check up on her and see how she is doing!!
My three youngest did grow out of it.
It's tough, but you are doing just fine!! Hang in there, it'll get better!!

K.

I believe that at 9 months you can not spoil a baby, but if you continue to pick her up every time she cries, this will be a learned response and the longer you do it the harder it will be to stop it. I think that you should try letting her cry for a while, she will stop. It will be hard, but the benefits in the long run out way the little heart ache "you" are having. Right now she does not know any better, when she cries you respond, so why not cry? You will not be a bad mom if you let her cry for a little bit, in fact in the long run you will be a better mom, if you let her take your every second you will be worn out and that is not healthy for eaither of you. I am also a stay at home mom and we have no family around my husband's family is all in europe and mine on the east coast ,so i really know how you feel. Good luck and stay strong! I hope you and your husband get to go out soon!

I know exactly what you are experiencing right now. My son, Jack, was the exact same way. He is our first, and I too was told that I was spoiling him. But, everything I read and my ped. told me was otherwise-it was normal. I had to hold my son ALL THE TIME! And just like you, being close was not enough. We occasionally left him with his grandparents, and he would cry everytime we left. But I was told everytime, that as soon as we were out of sight, he calmed down. And to this day, he just turned two on Wed., if I am around, he wants me and only me, but as soon as I am out of sight, he is completely fine. People tell me that he is a different child when I am not around. I know how frustrating it is, but just hang in there. It got easier for me and I hope it will for you.

Hey T., it's A. from the group. Abigail does this all the time. She is very clingy, especially to me. People told me, like you, that I've spoiled her, but I disagree. I don't think that either of us has done anything wrong. Both Abigail and your daughter are only children, with limited outside contact. It will take time, but I think that they will become used to other people.

Some children go through seperation anxiety with parents. And some go through this stage worse than others. I would not say you have spoiled her.

I am also a stay at home mom and my son's contact has been primarily with me. I would keep trying to give her some alone time, tummy time, saucer time, with you nearby but not holding her. Extend the length of time slowly. She will cry at first, but children learn quickly that parents respond to crying so she may sense you will give in easily. Try to lengthen the times until she can play longer or take longer rides in her stroller, without you carrying her.

I would guess it will be a slow process, but you'll have to be strong and consistent or the problem may worsen as she gets older. Your child being attached to you is not a bad thing, good for you for being at home with her. But you want her to be a little independent too and be happy if you can't always be right there.

Good Luck

My children did the same for almost as long. Sounds like she is just having a normal response to your absence. I do not think you are spoiling her at all, though (is that even possible at 9 months!)

If you have been her primary caregiver, she is used to being with you.. That is very normal. It is normal - even at 9 months- for children to crave the warmth of their parents. She is probably dealing with object permanance (begining to learn that she can call you back because she knows you are still around) and maybe some stranger anxiety. Both are normal phases that she will eventually outgrow. Just consider that the more time you spend with her know, the more likely she is to grow up to be a confident young child. Both of my children did this until they were 9-10 months. The are now confident, inquisitive 14 month olds. They know we will come back and they also know that they can explore (even with the help of other people--including relatives and sitters).

Have patience and enjoy this stage with your daughter. She will outgrow it soon enough and you will miss the times that she cried to be held by you. Give her time to get comfortable with others but be sure to always respect her need to be with you.

--E.

Hi T.
I am a stay at home mom of a 16 month old boy who is also my first baby and is very similar to your daughter. I don't think you can spoil them at 8 months. They need to know that you are right there whenever they need you. You're their security. My son has gotten better as he got older, but because I am home with him, he always has to be by me or know where I am. He's still only ok with my husband or myself holding him. He's just starting to be ok with his older sister and his grandparents holding him, and thats only occasionally!! I think when you are home with them and they don't go to daycare, and they are only children, it's pretty hard to avoid. We go to Gymboree ( and have been since he was a baby ) and that seems to help. When he's there, I don't even exsist!! I wouldn't worry, just try to keep her as social as you can. And remember, she will most likely grow out of it, and enjoy the time that she wants to be with you because before we know it, they will be at the age where they want nothing to do with us!!

S.

Hi! I agree with the others - it could be separation anxiety! I went through the same thing with my kids - my first was much worse than my second. I also held my first all the time and even to go to sleep.

We also don't live near any family and relied on the help of sitters. My son would cry and cry whenever we left to go out, but I was told that would only last a few minutes and then he would be okay, sad, but okay. It doesn't sound like it's stopping in your case.

I agree with the prior posts about it being okay to let her cry as long as you know nothing is hurting her. I know it's hard, but you can't make yourself crazy either.

Spoiling a eight month old??? Don't think so! :)

I, too, am a stay at home mom, my darling son is our first child and I am his only caregiver since I am also isolated from family and live in a new city! So, I can relate!

My son is 7 mos and does the same thing...and sometimes, I have to let him just cry for a few minutes (usually when I am trying to make myself something to eat or go to the restroom!) I am told, too often, that he's spoiled because I carry him and hold him when he cries...and I feel bad when I can't (he's getting REALLY heavy! :) ).

I look at it this way, someday, he won't want to be with me at all!!, so I try to not get upset/frustrated and ignore the "supposed to's" and do what I feel is right and enjoy my time with him.

My advice, if it REALLY bothers YOU, slowly "wean" your baby from you, so to speak. When she cries, wait just a minute before you pick her up, and the next time, wait just a bit longer and so on. That's what I'm trying to do and it seems to be working. :)

Good luck!

Hi T.. Congratulations on this being your first. It is an amazing journey we are all taking.
Do not listen to any person who says you are spoiling your child. You cannot!!! Not at this age, that is.
My second child, who just turned one year, is much the same as your daughter. I find that he does better when he knows I'm relaxed, and I'm just going to sit. Then, he is content to play and explore. ... Are you stressed? Always running circles? She may be picking up your energy. Children are so much more intune to our emotions.
Your DD is just fine.
Gotta run. DS is kicking the keyboard and getting cranky. DD is playing with the dog food?
S.

I never had that with any of my kids but I also had family close with both of my girls. I would find a couple friends that you want to work on being able to leave her with and invite them over a lot just to socialize with and work on getting her comfortable on her own territory. You have got to break her of that for your sanity. You should look for some play groups in your area. If you lived in Utah, I would totally help you out because I bet you are in desperate need of a date night.

hi T.,

I had the same problem with my second daughter who is just about to turn one. For her first 4 months of life she only wanted mom. It drove me crazy. She wouldn't even let my husband hold her. The hardest part was I then became the only one who was attached to her. What I did was let her cry for short periods of time. I wouldn't pick her up every time she cried. Then one day she out grew it. Now she is so social!!!! She waves to anyone, smiles at strangers and will let anyone hold her. I think once she realized I was coming back she was o.k. Hope this advise helps you. Hang in there
G.

HI T.,
I have a little 2 in a half month old. An she cries like that too. My brother has two children and he told me not to pick her up every time she cries because then she will think she needs to be held all the time. So after he told me that, her, she will cry for a little bit but then she will stop. Shes getting better at not crying like that all the time.I stopped myself many times not to pick her up when she cries. When I know that she isnt hungry, her diaper isnt dirty,and she has had her nap. When she cries like that I usually just talk to her and play with her and she stops crying. When she was first born I wouldnt let anyone else hold her. Didnt like to share her. I hope this helps.