Ok moms....
First let me start off by saying I am very upset! My husband and I have always shared the tax money. Even when he worked part time or not at all we always split the money. That has always been the agreement. He works outside the home and I used to work outside the home, but for the past about 3 years I have been at home. I have a 6 year old that is in school, a 4 year old that will be starting Pre-K this year, and I babysit. I stayed at home since my youngest son was born to save on childcare costs. My husband and I decided that together. My youngest son has had severe allergies and eczema since he was born and I feel like I have dealt with that all by myself. My marriage changed when I got pregnant a second time and my husband did not help me at all. He was even disrespectful at times. I work extremely hard being a stay at home mom and I also take my college courses online. I cook, clean, do laundry, take kids to all dentist and doctor appts, do homework, clean up after my husband (he does NOT clean up after himself), give baths, etc...... I basically do everything and all he does is work and come home. I have nothing for myself...my babysitting money even goes for groceries. Everything I do is for my husband and kids. And to be honest, in the past with my half of the tax money it went into buying my husband and kids stuff anyways, I dont really spend any money on myself.
Anyway, this year for some reason he said we are not spliting the tax money. He said it is HIS money and no one is going to dictate where HIS money goes!!! This is absolutely ridiculous!!! He said if I want tax money I should go out and get a job. This is outrageous seeing all that I do. I thought I was in a marriage...I guess not! Thoughs anyone?
Well when all of this was going on we did not speak for a few days. Then when the tax money came he handed me an envelope with $1000. I said this is not half and we had a long discussion (a few hours) about our view on things . I feel that a marriage is 50/50 and we each deserved half, and felt like because he actually goes outside of the home to work and pay bills that he was entitled to more of the money. He said he was just stressed out because of the bills and stuff and he was always going to give me something.....Anyways, we also discussed the whole not helping me out (cooking, cleaning, ETC.....) and that has changed for the better!!!! Things have been going a lot more smoothly :)
So you don't have joint accounts? I would not have been ok with that in the first place so I'm coming from a different place. But I think that if he's going to be like that then you need to be paid a salary by him. Show him how much daycare would cost, how often he would need to take off work to make dr. appts, etc. Bill him for half the groceries. If he still refuses, then you two need to seek counseling.
Sorry to hear about your problems, M.. This relationship sounds very unbalanced and unfair. I think you have more issues than with just tax money. Please try to find some ways to do more things for yourself. (Congrats on taking college courses!) If letting him know how you feel (lots of "I" statements) doesn't work, then find a marriage counselor. You need to get to the bottom of this before the relationship is too far gone. Best wishes.
Update: To all moms--Please don't doubt yourselves! It may not feel like it, but I believe you are truly doing the most important job in the world--trying your hardest to raise happy, healthy children into happy, healthy adults. DO NOT UNDERESTIMATE THE IMPORTANCE OF THIS MUNDANE, OFTEN THANKLESS JOB. Approach this stage of your life with love, for yourself and your family, and with empowerment. The influence you have on your children's well-being is irreplaceable. Where would society be without the sacrifices that moms (and fathers) make every day? Stop beating yourself up and enjoy!
really? it's his money? oh wow. alright then. describe to him in detail that if you were to divorce his behind (sorry, this made me upset) that all his tax money, and over 50 per cent of his salary would go on child support and alimony. would he love that option?
i got to tell you, i quit my job to care for my kids. i am lonely, i doubt myself, i ask myself why did i bother get college degrees if all i wound up doing is become a housewife. but on top of that, if my husband were to come, and even just give a hint that his salary is his salary, all hell would break lose in my household.
so, if he's not respecting you or all that you do, you need to respect you. do not allow him to get away with it. this could be the beginning of a whole new tune he has in mind to sing about his marriage. if you let him get away with this, the ball will just continue rolling.
First off - wow! Definitely sounds like the workload is unbalanced. But - being a SAHM myself...the majority of the housework/kids schoolwork, etc falls on my shoulders too. The difference (and this makes all the difference) is the lack of respect you are receiving from your husband. Where is the sense of partnership? I'm sure you have had talks with him...and hopefully you made it clear how he is making you feel. I would guess he feels angry/stressed/resentful/fearful at the cost of raising 2 children...and he is acting out on you. Professional counseling is likely needed...but try to talk it out first....since counseling would be an additional cost. Dig deep..remember why you got married and that you love each other. Life is not "easy" for either of you in your individual day to day activities. I hope both of you can find the support in each other that you need.
Best of luck
Hi M.,
Sounds to me like you and hubby don't see eye to eye about several things.
My first thought is about household chores...I struggled a LOT with this one. We chose that I stay home to be a Mommy, not a maid, right? Well...Truthfully, I had to deal with the fact that most of the housework is my job. I'm the one who's here all day. Aside from a few dirty clothes and dishes, my husband doesn't actually make much mess. He did, however, use the responsibility of being the provider an excuse not to help at times. You and hubby probably need to talk about this issue at a time when you are not mad about it. Tell him a few specific chores that you'd like help with. Trash night? Bath time x times a week? Dishes when you have a rough day? He needs to learn that you work all day and need breaks, too, even if you don't earn a salary.
What's probably more straining to your marriage is your financial situation. It sounds like you both have a "my money," "your money" outlook on your finances. It's not that for either of you. It should be "our money," plain and simple. One joint bank account to share. One monthly budget that covers everything from mortgage and utilities to groceries, to tuition and entertainment expenses. You BOTH need to contribute to telling your money where to go, and you BOTH need to agree on it! Include a small amount of "blow money" each month for each of you to spend, no questions asked, on yourselves for something fun.
Check out the book "Total Money Makeover" by Dave Ramsey from the library. He deals with lots of financial issues that families have: getting out of debt, budgeting, saving for the future, etc. It will change how you and your husband look at money.
I will say, that beyond your tax refund, you two need to be on the same page with family finances in order to make your marriage more healthy! How to get hubby on board if he doesn't agree that there's a problem? No ideas. But make sure he knows that it's important to you. Directly. Don't imply it. Don't think that he should be able to figure it out. Just tell him at a time when you don't have distractions. Turn off the TV at night and talk about it. You'll be glad you did, in the end.
I'm sorry for rambling a bit, but my husband have been working on our finances together for a year now, and its reduced so much stress in our marriage, that I feel pretty strongly about it!
Best wishes!
To me, this does not sound like a marriage. A marriage is where you two are one unit. What's his is yours and what's yours is his. How unfortunate that he doesn't understand that you work harder than him. I mean seriously! My husband is a laborer and I stay home with the kids and he knows exactly how hard this job is and he is very appreciative that I do this. He teases sometimes that he has to go back to work to 'rest', after a vacation at home, etc. lol He works at home and helps me when he gets home everyday. That's the way it should be. Husbands and wives are to help each other out with the family. It's our house, our family.
Splitting the tax money is, to me, crazy too. I mean, you decide where you need to use it the most. I don't say...$2000 goes to you and $2000 goes to me. We just say, we have $4000, now what are we going to do with it?
Splitting bills, money, etc., is more like a roomate situation. You are valid in how upset you are. As far as what to do about it, that is something you'll have to decide. I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I really am. {HUGS}
Mother of 4
Get counseling...if he won't, then get a job and save EVERY penny and leave him. It doesn't sound like you're in a good marriage.
Yikes. A couple of thoughts... and I will play devil's advocate, despite the fact I flipped when my husband said something similar (and I work full time, was in school part-time AND was the primary caregiver for our infant at the time).
1. You are definitely putting in your time with your family, but he probably feels the same way. I'm not sure what he does, but there's a chance that he is feeling overwhelmed and anxious about family finances.
2. What does he typically do with "his half"? Does he buy himself something that he really wants or does he buy things for the family as well?
3. I can't help but focus on the words you are both using... "mine" "his" "dictate" "split". These are not words that are typically associated with marriage. In fact, they are typically associated with the opposite.
I would strongly suggest spending some time alone with your husband and let this subject go. Really, did you have something specific in mind or are you upset about his mindset? You have probably been arguing about this for several days and it's not about the money. You are both feeling like the other isn't pulling his/her weight (remember that perception and reality are often very different). You need to reconnect as a couple and have an honest dialogue about what is going on.
Your youngest will start Pre-K in the fall- maybe a part-time job is a good idea. Taking some of the financial pressure off of your husband may help, but in turn he needs to take some of the household pressure off of you. Defining yourself as something other than "mom" may help him see you in a different light. Right now, everything you are doing falls under his perception of a SAHM.
Talk to eachother and remember that whatever is going on here isn't about the tax money... it's about equality and communication within your marriage. Reconnect- even if that means turning off the t.v. at night and talking. You don't have to spend a ton of $$ on dinners and movies... just sit down with a cup of tea or a glass of wine and talk about the day. Start small and don't expect quick changes, but if you start communicating regularly and about all the little things the quality of your relationship will improve.
hi..i have a couple of thoughts.
first of all, being a stay at home mom is a full time job and you should be compensated for it.
he doesnt want to share his money, that is fine. then when you go out grocery shopping, do not get anything for him. you are using "your" money, buy for yourself and the kids. same thing with making dinner, tell him that you dont get paid enough to cook him dinner, or do his laundry..let him go around smelly..maybe he will eventually get the hint.
some men can be pigs at times ( no offense to pigs) and it definetly sounds like you are pulling more than your weight in this marriage..im sorry to hear that you are going thru this. me and my hubby argue over money all of the time..i save, he likes to spend, but when something goes wrong and needs money, guess who has it, and guess who ends up paying for it.
but, a marriage shouldnt be like mine, yours. its ours..it is a partnership for life
Wow. Ummm. The IRS can dictate where his money goes!
Here are my thoughts...
1. If you are filing jointly, meaning that both of your names are on the tax form and refund, and you both have to sign it in order to cash it, then the money is half yours. Period.
2. If the check is deposited into a joint account. The money is half yours.
3. If you do not currently have an individual account that your childcare money goes into, set on up.
My husband pulls this attitude with me, quite frequently. I buy most of the groceries, clothes, household needs, etc. Its a very rare day that he buys that stuff. When he makes comments like this, I change the way I buy things. I don't willingly buy him his favorite desserts, drinks, snacks. If he needs new jeans, I don't run right out to buy replacements. I know that others will say that that's not how a marriage should be (i've heard it from my mom), but its just responding to his temperment. If his money is going to be his to spend, then he can spend it. why should you spend your money on things specifically for him?
Good luck.
M.
I am a SAHM to 3, ages 9, 4 and 6 months. I have never worked outside the home. Our entire income is my husbands. Never once has he told me that the money is his...it is OURS. It goes into a joint checking account and is used as needed.
Get a job and put the kids in day care or with a babysitter. You may be looking for a divorce attorney soon.
