Kindergartener Is Not Sharing

Updated on January 09, 2010
S.G. asks from San Antonio, TX
3 answers

Whenever my daughter has a friend over, she has a hard time sharing many of her toys. She tries to manipulate the friend to not play with a toy, by saying, "I really don't want to play that, how about we do this instead"....with is an activity that she doesn't really like doing, but it keeps her friends away from her "valuable" toys. If the friend continues to inquire about the wanted toy, my daughter will treat her coldly, saying, "I don't want to do that!", rolls her eyes, and will play solo,hoping that the friend will do something else. Before the playdate, I remind her that all the toys are to be shared,if u don't want to share a special one...put it away, or there will be a consequence. Well, I was fed up with her manipulating attitude today...after the playdate, I took all the toys she wouldn't share in a garbage bag and hid them away. I told her that these toys can be earned back if she can share better with her friends and have a better attitude. I feel like she will just go thru the motions to get them back, but not genuinely because she wants to share and just enjoy playing with her friends. Besides teaching her that it's important to share, I really want her to have a good heart, not because it's forced. Any ideas?

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C.M.

answers from Austin on

She is old enough to know about consequences. I'm sure that if you let her know that if she doesn't share, she can't have friends over (and then following through)she will get it. It's something that they do in school. I also feel like the kids need to work it out on their own. Even if it's at a disadvantage to your child (i.e. having no friends to play with). Does she share with your 3 year old? That is usually a good indication that the child "gets it" and is making a choice to not share.

Is this the same child that before didn't want to have play dates? Maybe she just doesn't *want* a lot of friends/playdate/togetherness time. I was a loner as a child. It's not the worst thing in the world.

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T.C.

answers from Austin on

I had a problem like this when my son went to play with an older cousin. His cousin has tons of toys, legos, etc., but is an only child and not used to sharing. He did not want my son to touch ANY of his toys. Part of the problem is that he saw my son as a baby who would break his things.

So his mom and I asked him to find toys he would be willing to share. He found 1 stuffed animal, that was it. My son was very upset. So what I did was go out to the car and get a bunch of my son's own toys. Then his cousin got interested in them, and I was able to say my son will share his toys with you if you are able to share more of yours with him. It smoothed things over enough to survive the visit.
A couple years later when they played together, it was easier to find something they were both interested in without his cousin worrying he'd break things (taking apart a computer).

Does your daughter share well when she is somewhere else, like daycare or school and the things don't belong to her? What about playdates at the park, taking turns in games, or sports? Maybe she could help you plan ahead of time what choices of activities to have, specific toys that she wants to share, what snacks to serve, see if she can think of ways to make sure her guest has a good time. This sometimes works for my son because he likes to be "in charge".

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J.T.

answers from Victoria on

some things kids need to work out on there own. i would let her figure this one out for herself. does she want friends or toys. i would also tell her that its not nice when we dont share and people want to be around nice kids. when said friend no longer wants to come over and play tell her why. also ask her how she feels when her friends do this to her?

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