Letting a Baby Cry

My mom puts it this way, it's the only exercise they get. I have a sister-in-law that did and one that didn't. Now that the kids are older, I say let them cry. The sister-in-law that never let her kids cry, has major issues with them now that they are older. She has a 5, 2 1/2, and 5mo. they have no self discipline. They still don't go to bed well. The other sister let hers cry, as hard as it was and now they are well adjusted and very smart, etc. I also let my kids cry and they are doing well. I see no evidence it helps. Only evidence it does not help the kids in their development.

Hi A.,
I guess this is one where you really just trust what you feel the most comfortable with. I love the book Babywise, it is pro crying it out and gives reasons why but it also has all kinds of advice on all kinds of topics. I highly recommend it but again this is all peoples opinions :) Good luck

Well...I have read a lot of your responses. Some I agree with others not, and still pieces of some. Here is the real deal. I am a child development expert, but even we have opinions that can't be proven right or wrong. Here is what I know (science proven: 4 months is the absolute earliest that you should let a baby cry it out. That is when sleep starts to resemble the pattern of adults. At the same time, many babies still need food in the middle of the night. For those of you who said that you tried it earlier than 4 months and it worked...yes it will work for many children. They have brain responses just like we do. What you have done at the early age is teach them you will not arrive at that time, not that they need to sleep. Now I do not believe that it will mess them up for life. Just something you should know.

I rocked my child to sleep until she was about 23 months old. She never woke up in the middle of the night looking for me to put her back to sleep...she always went back herself. The rocking her to sleep was my time to bond with her. My choice...and I guarantee you she has not been damaged by it.

Around 23 months old I started to need that extra 30 minutes at night because she was going to bed a little later. We did the cry it out approach. First night she cried hard for about 15 minutes...She was fed, changed and TIRED. She was mad not sad...there is a difference. The next 5 minutes she whimpered and finally silence. The next night she cried for 2 minutes...then silence. The third night...nothing. It has been a couple months now and we do our routine...book, song, except now she asks for bed.

Ultimately you the parent and your child are individuals. You need to do what works for you. Remember though that very young children (9 months and earlier) do not have the concepts that we do regarding what happens when someone leaves the room. They truly believe it is gone forever. Just something to think about... if you want to read more about it the concept is called object permenance.

Good Luck.

Hi, A.. I know sleep is a big issue for us hard-working moms. I also know that my kids are only this young once. I personally don't believe that babies should be alone at night, and that when they cry it is because a need is not being met. Many people and doctors and books will tell you that letting a baby cry at night will "work" because eventually they will start sleeping through the night. In my opinion, and I know quite a few other moms who feel the same, when you let a baby cry, the reason they eventually stop crying is because they finally learn that nobody is going to come to comfort them and give them what they need. I believe that is why there is so much depression and isolation and non-belief in self in this world.

Babies don't know how to manipulate people--they learn that from having to survive in our society that seems to think they don't matter much. We treat babies like we need to make them fit our schedules instead of making sure they have all the love and support they need so they can grow into self-assured adults, knowing they always have a loving base to come back to if they need it. The most independent kids I've met are those whose parents gave them what they needed when they were little and kept them close and made sure they were happy and healthy, because they know they have that loving base, and feel more secure venturing out into the world.

I would never let my kiddoes cry it out at night--that means they need me, and they don't NEED to manipulate by crying, since they know they don't have to.

Peace,
K.

Happiest Baby on the Block- Harvey Karp
"Ferberizing" is no longer an acceptable method, and for the record, it also depends on the child. Mine is almost 3 and goes to sleep fine with his routine and has NEVER been allowed to "cry it out". He is happy, secure and kind to other children because we met his basic needs. Under 2 years of age you can count on crying signaling NEEDS. They start having WANTS only after about 2. The difference is that some people are raising their children as they were raised, vs parents who are informing themselves and learning new methods. Just because letting them scream finally makes them realize you aren't coming and they are so exhausted they fall asleep doesn't mean it's a good thing for them.
JMHO-
C.
Mother of 2

What I learned and it worked for me was that babies don’t know how to manipulate at a young age, we can teach them how as they get older if we're not careful, but there is reason a baby cries and its not for selfish reasons, that makes sense to me, Now I picked up my son every time he cried when he was a new born and up until about a year, well not to that extreme, I didn’t come running, but if he was crying, yes-I sought to find out why, AND he slept with me the first year of his life. So this is a huge No-No in many moms’ books. But you know what, I had no problem with it, after a year, I put him in his crib, had night lights, and closed the door part way, he cried and I went in immediately, didn’t pick him up, just rubbed his back and reassured him I was here, I left the room and let him cry for 1 minute, went back and repeated the scene, went out and waited 2 minutes, then 3, then 4. I swear he was a sleep by time I hit 4 or 5 min intervals, that lasted about maybe a week, I don’t even think that long, he trusted that if he needed me, his cry out would get me, so he felt save going to sleep alone.

Now my neighbors on the other obviously believed in the crying out method, I lived in condo's and there baby room was next to my son's room and with every one of her babies, we heard the crying it out method she used, and I'll tell ya, those kids had to cry them selves to sleep every night and it would last 6+ months. No kidding. I didn’t know how to approach her and tell her that her babies screaming at bed time, screaming in the middle of the night when they woke up was not just waking my son up, but waking me up too. (needles to say, I had my son come sleep with me again when ever she had a new baby so we could both get some sort of sleep) But she felt like such a good STRONG mom for holding true to this method, but I just don’t feel its right (personal decision) or necessary, there is an easier way, I learned that leaving a child to scream, they can gain abandonment issues. They cry because they don’t feel safe. They don’t trust.

Maybe there are other new "modern" ways to put your child to sleep now days, my son is almost 13 years old. He goes to bed really good for me now and never sleeps with mom so there is no baggage from how I handled this situation when he was little.

I also learned that in some countries, they do the cry-it-out method from day 1. That Its acceptable to put a new born in a crib with all lights out, let them cry it out, and they soon get the message that when its Dark, Its sleep time. (I certainly don’t agree to that)

But there is my own thought on the subject.
Good question.

It is actually our selfish society that teaches us to not respond to our babies needs. They cry for a reason- not to manipulate us. A mom can't stand to hear her baby cry because there is a biological need to care for the child! When parents let the baby "cry it out" what they do is damage the child psychologically. The baby learns that she can't trust her parents to care for her needs. The parents at a point actually don't even hear there child cry during the night. It isn't that the baby is sleeping through the night, the parents just don't hear them. Many studies have been done proving a disconnect that can show up later in - perhaps the teenage years. Of course it is your own decision. If your sleep is more important than your 4 month old that needs nothing more than your love no matter what time of day or night it is, that is your choice. Check out some information from Dr. Sears. This will explain this further.

Please see Dr. Sear's website. He has a lot of helpful suggestions on getting your little one to sleep. He also has a wonderful book on sleep help.

Even if you are comfortable with letting your child cry it out, most of the articles I have read state that it is not healthy until a child is 6-9 months.

Please research the stress associated with letting your child cry it out at a young age.

I also am a first time mom and have a full time job, my son is 6 1/2 months old. He still gets up in the night. Some people say I should not do this, but as soon as a hear a little fuss from him I am right there by his side. I hate to hear him cry ever. I think that whle he is not big enough to take care of himself it is my job to make sure his every need is met even if that means less sleep for me. Besides I kind of treasure it, he already is growning up soo fast anytime I can spend with him the better.

I never let my baby cry it out. However, he did sleep through the night at 2-3 months, slept in his crib from day one, and is a fabulous sleeper now at 9 months. We put him in his crib after his bedtime routine and say goodnight, and very rarely do we have to go back in his room until morning. I just wanted to put this out there because I feel like some think it's either A) cry it out or B) sleep issues forever. We taught our son how to soothe himself without crying it out... it can be done! My favorite book is "The Baby Whisperer Solves All Your Problems" by Tracey Hogg. I can't recommend it enough. Good luck! :)

A., I am not totally answering your question, but I have a solution that I think is easier for everyone. I read about it in a book called Secrets of the Baby Whisperer. You put your baby to bed awake, when it starts to cry, you pick it up. As soon as it stops crying, you put it back into the crib. You keep that up - that picking up when crying and put back down when it stops crying. Before long it realizes - without getting hysterical from crying - that you will be there to meet its needs, but that it needs to stay in the crib and it will be fine.
I did it with my daughter and it worked like a charm. She knows how to get herself to sleep now.

Hi A.,
We have an 19 mo daughter and were criticized by some of our friends and family for letting her "cry it out". We finally decided that we had to do what was best for our family, which was to get restful sleep since we both work and a cranky baby is never fun! We read this book called 'On Becoming Babywise' which supports the idea of teaching children to sleep through the night on their own. We followed it and she was sleeping through the night at 8 weeks. She has gone through a few periods where she would cry when she was put down or would wake up...all we did was go in there hug her, give her a kiss and lay her back down. Most of the time, it worked. Sometimes, she'd cry it out after we left the room. We felt two lessons here; 1) she would learn to sleep without us, but still trust we were available when she truly needed us and 2) she couldn't manipulate us with tears. No one can tell you what's right for you. I have several friends that are not able to cope with hearing their child cry. Do what feels right, it probrably is.
V.

I have a one yr old and a six yr old and I have not ever let them cry for more than five minutes and they go to bed in their rooms, in their beds and without my help.
I also know moms like the one you mentioned, I just think there is probably more to it than just that they don't let them cry.
Good luck, I think you just have to do what is right for you and your LO. :)

Our family doctor told me that between 4 and 5 months a baby learns how to "manipulate" by crying. I started letting my little guy cry it out when he was 5-6 months old. The first night was 45 minutes of crying, the next night 30 minutes, the next night 15, and so on until there was none. I have a mobile that plays music and shines pictures on the ceiling. After that, and to this day, he doesn't fuss at bed time. However, when he is sick or not feeling right, he will cry. Obviously I go tend to him then. He's been with me in bed the last two nights, but I know when he shakes this cold, he'll go right back to sleeping in his own bed.

I think I might have been one of the people who replied to you before. I've done a ton of research (reading books and articles) on this subject as well as being a part of 3 mom forums. and what I've realized is this: when it comes to the issue of CIO vs not CIO (crying it out), it comes down to a basic parenting philosophy. Attachment Parenting believes that maintaining physical closeness to the parents is healthy and develops close bonds. It also believes in handling kids with tender care, lessons taught through soft voices, etc. More traditional parenting believes that nurturing independence is healthy and allowing kids to figure it out on their own produces the best long-term results. So when you get very different answers about an issue like this, it usually comes down to whether the mother subscribes to Attachment Parenting or not. (Attachment parents also believe in keeping baby in a sling attached to mommy, having a family bed, etc.) Personally, I don't believe in Attachment Parenting. I've seen results like your friend--kids who can't put themselves to bed or stay in bed, freak out when mommy and daddy leave, have anxiety around other people, etc.

As far as when to try CIO, I recommend trying a few books. Get recommendations from friends who share your same parenting philosophy and see what the experts have to say about it.

Personally, I found The Baby Whisperer to be a fantastic book about how to get your child to sleep through the night (and many other issues). My baby was 8 weeks old when I started reading it. She went from 3 to 6 hours of sleep a night within 4 days of trying the techniques in that book. And by 3 months old she was sleeping 8 hours a night and never looked back. The Baby Whisperer is not Attachment style, but also not hard-core in the other direction either. She recommends letting your child "fuss it out" but not to let them scream bloody murder endlessly. I also recommend Baby Wise for good ideas about sleeping. It's not as entertaining, but has lots of good research to back it up.

Good luck!

This is an interesting and controversial topic. It strikes me that you have made up your mind, but in the interest of general reading, I will describe my thinking:

To me, when my children were babies, it was obvious that crying was the only way they had to tell me that I hadn't noticed yet that something was wrong. I mean, if they could have written me a note or something, maybe it would have felt possible to watch them suffer and dismiss whatever was wrong as not important enough to me to bother with.

I read a great deal of anthropology and psychology before my kids were born, and continually following. There was much in both that was disturbing. In some cultures, it is unusual to hear children cry *at all*. In our culture, it is 'normal' for 8 year olds to have nervous habits - including violent rocking, nailbiting, hairpulling, eyelash pulling, self-biting, nosepicking, etc.

All of that reading indicated to me that there are a lot of things we do wrong here when it comes to children.

An acquaintence said 'never get into a power struggle over things children need to do or die: food and sleep.' I thought it was sensible advice.

Out of it, I got two children who asked for their pajamas when they were tired, and asked for apples and toast when they were hungry.

Children need firm, predictable routines, including being allowed to eat when they're hungry, in order to feel secure, and feeling secure is what it takes to avoid adopting nervous habits. I felt it was important for my children *not* to learn that when they are hungry or in pain, lonely or thirsty in the night no one is coming because nobody cares.

One other interesting piece of information: according to sleep researchers, who film this stuff instead of just bragging (or lying) about it, children do not sleep through the night regularly until they are close to 4 years old. Whether or not they bother to wake up their parents is predictable only based on whether or not they think anyone will come when they call. Children can learn hopelessness, too.

Hey A.,
I am a mother of 2 under the age of 4. I am a firm believer in letting them cry. My first was a horrible sleeper and I trained him over a period of 3 months. He is almost 4 and sleeps all night and still naps. My second just did it naturally she was no problem. I had lots of crying my self and sitting outside his door with a pillow over my ears. But it worked and he was a great sleeper after that. I would suggest reading "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child". It was my bible and I give it to all my friends for baby gifts. Good luck and I promise there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

I am a first time mother also. I asked my obgyn when I should stop feeding my son every 4 hour during the night and he said -at six weeks his three boys were sleeping through the night (10pm-6am). So at 9 weeks we decided to try his advice. When he woke up we left him alone for 5-10 min if he didnt fall back a sleep we went in and rubbed his back. DO NOT PICK HIM UP. When he calms down leave the room and wait 5-10 min again. Keep dong this until he learns to sooth himself it took us 4 days of getting up and rubbing his back( this lets him know you are there). Now he is 7M and sleeps 7pm-7am everynight and takes 2 naps during the day and all I have to do is lay him down awake and within 5 min he falls a sleep on his own. It is had at first to listen to them cry but it is all worth it in the long run!!!

When my daughter was a baby, I read a study done by Harvard about letting babies cry it out. It said that babies who are left to cry do not handle stress later in life. I decided not to let her cry it out because it did not seem like the right thing for me to do. You can not base your decision on one person who has a child who doesn't sleep well. That probably has nothing to do with whether or not that Mother used the cry it out method. I just went with instinct. Babies do not have the ability to realize that when you leave, you will come back. Crying is one of the only ways babies have to communicate the fact that they need you. There are just as many "experts" opposed to crying it out as there are in favor of it. It is a judgement call. Me, I could never do that to a baby.

I could never let my son cry it out. I find it very hard to understand how any parent could. I think that when a baby cries, s/he is crying for a reason. They do not just cry to cry. Either they need you for something or just plain want you. I think about how a baby must feel when they are crying and Mama and Papa don't come to them. The baby is supposed to be able to trust us the most out of anyone and this is telling them that they cannot trust us. I guess as far as a child not sleeping in their own room, I do not see anything wrong with this. I sleep with my son and couldn't imagine him sleeping by himself much less in a completely different room. Many parents in many other countries sleep with their children. I personally feel that when I chose to have children, I decided to be selfless and put my child first. My child is not an inconvenience to me. We chose to have our household child centered and not parent centered. They are babies not ten year old children. I personally feel they need to be nurtured always and there will be a time when they do not to be cuddled and comforted, but when that time comes I think they will let us know. I think I'll then be the one crying myself to sleep. ; )

Check out the book : The Baby Whisperer Solves All Your Problems by Teaching You How to Ask the Right Questions BY: Tracy Hogg.
First you need to evaluate the situation. Your baby might need something and if you just let the baby cry it out it is not met. I think it's good to get them sleeping through the night around 7 months. They've been on solids for a little while and can be sustained through the night easier. This book was a great help to me. You teach your child to learn how to go to sleep themselves, but at the same time not abandoning them to just cry it out.

Such a hot topic on this site, right up there w/ immunizations. And before I give my opinion, let me say it is really up to you and what you feel is right for your child!

Know my opinion...I don't feel any child under 2 should for any reason "cry it out" fuss a few minutes is okay. I can tell you from my expierience, and I have 7 ranging in age from 16-17 months, that coming to my childs needs at night has not in any way hindered them, or made them needy children. Obviously my older 4 older children are master know, but even they know at night that if something is wrong (and they can wake me :) ) that I am available. My 6 year old goes to sleep on his own, my 3 year old goes to sleep on her own, goes to the bathroom on her own, gets a drink on her own and doesn't usually wake me, sometimes she does but not normally, my 17 month still gets up twice a night, but he puts himself to sleep at night, he goes to sleep at 7:00. And all of it was never with a tear, It is my job to be thier for them no matter the time of day, no matter how sick I might be, no matter how tired I am, I am the parent if I don't come when they are tired, scared, hungry, or just looking for a little snuggle, then who will. What am I saying to my infant/toddler if I am not there for them when they need me? All of mine were cabable of putting them selves to sleep by 18 months all I do is lay them on the couch with me sitting right by them and if thier tired they will fall asleep on thier own, once they do it for a few days I just lay them down and do stuff and if they get up I tell them to lay down and lay them back down, a couple days later they don't even realise that I am not around, and just do what they know to do and then in thier beds they go, No tears, no fights, nothing. I can't say thier is a wrong way or a right way, I can say that I could never fathom not answering my childs call!

HI A., It's hard to sort out parenting advice these days. But I came across this quote just this morning as I was preparing for my class with babies and their moms: "Security: Babies who have warm, responsive care are more resilient later in life. By following your heart to cuddle and respond to crying Baby, you are providing the security and safety necessary for Baby's healthy development." This is a quote from "Brain Development Research: Support and Challenges" an article written by Pan Schiller. I am lifting it from my teacher handbook.

This affirms my choices since I did NOT let my babies cry. They are now WONDERFUL, secure teens (well almost, my youngest is 11 1/2)and they do sleep through the night!

We have two sons: a five year old and a one month old. We always address crying. We believe that there is always a legitimate reason for the crying, and in calling attention to it, you let the child know that his or her feelings are important. This leads to a confident and secure child, who doesn't need to cry to "get attention". The child knows that his or her needs will be met without having to cry or throw a fit.

This approach may not work for all children, every child is different, but it has worked wonderfully for our five year old. He is independent, confident, and unbelieveably well mannered. We like to think it's a combination of his disposition and our great parenting ;)

Hello A.,
I am a first time mom also. Me and my fiance have a 2month daughter and I got a letter from the hospital I went to and in it it had a paragraph about crying babies. It said that a parent should never just let a baby cry because when he or she cries it is because he or she needs something or something is wrong. Also, it said that you can never spoil your baby too much. The more you pick your baby up when he or she cries, the more likely they will stop crying so much because they will know everything is alright. He or she will know that he or she doesn't have to cry everytime he or she needs something. That is just some advice, but every parent is differnt along with every baby. So the end decision is totally up to you.

I did this with my son at 6 months old ... he would still wake up in the middle of the night for a bottle and then go back to sleep . I talked to his doctor about it and she said that at 6 months he should be off the bottle in the middle of the night. So I did the , let him cry for 5 minutes then go in and check on him and said sshhh go to sleep maybe patted his butt then i left and waited 10 minutes and went in but said or did nothin then 15 minutes ect ect. it worked very well . it took about 3 or 4 nights before he got it and he was sleeping on his own. To me I am glad I did it that way even tho it was a little heartbreaking but i just put him in his bed and he goes to sleep .. we do have hard nights every once in awhile but thats to be expected..So I started at 6 months . hope this is helpful. every mother does things different so dont feel bad if others dont agree with you . you do what you feel.

this is such a personal decision because you need to listen to your baby ! each baby is so different with his/her needs.

My first born son was colicky and did not sleep. And when I say " didn't sleep" I'm talking- couldn't stay sleeping even when he was days and only weeks old. He would get so overtired and just scream and could not calm down and fall asleep.
Everyone told me " he'll sleep when he needs to" and to let him cry himself to sleep. But it didn't work. I remember three days straight listening to him scream for every nap attempt and bedtime and he never ONCE cried himself to sleep. He'd cry harder and harder and longer and longer till he was so hysterical he couldn't sleep at all.

I finally stopped listening to everyone and tried listening to him and found he really did need me for comfort during that time. He slept mostly on my chest, lots of times having to nurse to sleep etc.

What we found out was that my son is autistic. We didn't find this out till he was 3 years old, but it finally made sense why he struggled to calm himself on his own.
The point is not that there is something " wrong" with your child,but that MOMMY KNOWS BEST!
I knew in my gut there was something else going on, and I wish I could rewind time and give myself permission to do whatever I needed to for all of our sanity and peace.
My son was not being a stinker, he wasn't fighting me , he was sincerely not ready to cry himself to sleep. Some kids are that way, so try it if you're comfortable with it, and watch the clock. "They" claim to give your baby 10 or 15 minutes and if the crying is getting worse and not starting to stop then go pick them up. there is no need to torture everyone involved when they are so little and can't explain their needs to you yet.
Good luck! , remember to listen to your heart!

A.- I am a mother of 3 (ages 6,4, and 7 months) and I have never let them "cry it out". My older 2 both sleep in thier own rooms and go to sleep on thier own after reading a few stories on the couch. Neither wakes up at night unless there is a bad dream, but even this is rare. As babies, all my kids have been different despite being mothered the same way! 6 year old slept all night from 3 to 14 months, but started waking once a night after she started walking, lasted a few months (pretty common), 4 year old didn't sleep thru the night until he was 2, 7 month old slept thru night til she was 4 months (like yours) then started waking every 3 hours, which is where we are now. Mothering is an instinct, and if letting them cry makes you cry and feels wrong, it probably is! I figure, they are only little once and making them feel secure and loved is our job. I'll get some sleep in a few years, as this is my last baby! I rocked all my babies to sleep until they were at least 2 years old, but "amazingly" they are actually able to fall asleep on there own and I haven't stunted there ability to sooth themselves as I was warned of by sooooo many people. Follow your heart and do what feels right. Good Luck!

A.,

I think people go to extremes on both ends. You don't have to run every time the baby cries, but letting them cry for hours at a time isn't helpful either. Sometimes babies cry due to frustration and they just need to get it out of their systems. I think once you recognize what a cry is for: pain, hunger, boredom, etc. it is OK to allow some crying. It won't hurt them as long as you are loving and cuddle them at other times.

L. ;)

Hi A....I read your post and realized WE sound a lot alike! :) I think you will know when your little one needs attention and doesn't need attention. I do believe it is better to error on the side of giving MORE attention than not. As long as you can lay them down when they are awake for naps and bedtime, you are on the right track! My son Tim is 15 months and still wakes up once at night on occasion. I've noticed he does this more when he's teething. I personally go in to tell him I'm sorry his mouth hurts, check for a poopy diaper, and maybe offer aspirin and/or bottle. I guess I would say to wait to let them 'cry it out' until after 1 year when they can understand us when we say, "IT IS TIME TO GO NA-NIGHT!" Even then...maybe check every 15 minutes or so?.....You are sure to do the right thing if you love your baby, which of course you do!! :)

I would never let a baby cry because they have no other to commicate with you. As a parent your child needs to trust that you will be there for them when they need you. How can they trust when you are not responding to their needs? Once the child rearches about 18 months to 2yo then their sleeptime pattern has been long established if they cry when they are put down to bed/nap then I would let them cry after a reminder that it is time for sleep but not before I knew they could understand me and communicate their needs if not verbally then in other ways.

My first child, who is now 2, was still nursing twice a night when he was 6 months old. His Dr. explained to me that he no longer needed this nurishment and it was just a habit. Since he was not giving it up on his own, I was in charge of that process. She said to let him cry for 15 minutes, go in and reassure him that you are there BUT NOT PICK HIM UP. Say it's night night time and then leave again. I won't lie. The first night was very long and hard. He cried for almost 2 hours the first waking and then just 1/2 hour the second waking. I knew the difference between his "in pain" cry and his "I want you" cry so I never went back in the room after the first 15 minutes because I knew he was okay. The second night he was only awake and fussy for about 1/2 hour each waking. Then the third night, HE SLEPT FOR 12 HOURS STRAIGHT! I am so glad I did this for him. He is a great sleeper to this day! You have to realize that you have to do what is best for the child in the long run, and sleep is very important. As you have learned from your friend, you do not want your 3 year old with sleeping problems. This is exactly why I did it. I have several friends whose 3 and 4 year olds still can't put themselves to sleep, or sleep in their own beds. This is not healthy for the kids or the parents because nobody sleeps well at that point. If you want to try the cry it out method here is my advice.

1. Make sure your baby has at least doubled their birth weight. Then they don't need to eat at night.

2. The longer you wait the harder it will be. Babies start getting longer memories and will hold on to the night wakings harder. I did it at 6 months and it worked well. My Dr. recommended anywhere from 4 to 6 months.

3. Make sure your parter in on board with the plan. It is not easy to sit there and listen to the baby cry. I actually did it when my husband was gone because I knew he would go in there :-)

4. If you start this process, you have to finish it and not give in. If you give in and pick them up, rock them, feed them, etc. then they learn that if they cry long enough they will get what they want. This means next time they will cry much longer. Make sure you are really ready to do this.

5. This method is not for everyone. I honestly didn't think I would ever use it, but once I realized it was best for my child in the long run it was a little easier. Some babies will cry so hard and make themselves throw up. This is not a good method for those babies and I would discuss other options with your pediatrician.

Hi, A.. I am a mother of two sucessful, grown children, a son and a daughter, so obviously I am "older" but I have strong views on allowing a baby ony a few months old cry. A baby always cries for a reason even if it isn't clear to us. I believe that you NEVER allow a baby to cry (for any reason)themselves to sleep for they desperately need security. As far as your older daughter is concerned,I am guessing there are issues other than NOT allowing her to cry when she was an infant. Establish a routine. Every evening (as possible) keep to this routine. When she pleads for one more book or one more glass of water CALMY tell her no, that it is bedtime. Every time you deviate or "give in" you have not only lost ground but her respect. No matter how many times you have to put her back in bed, do it with a firmness but withour ANGER.I know this is easier said than done. Kids are constantly testing boundries. Consistancy is everything.If she is having a tantrum some times she just needs to let off steam. A tired child is a happy child. Wear her out with activity so she's ready to sleep. She may need to cry some times just as we all do but she is four, as long as she is not throwing stuff and being disrespectful toward you. Your baby is different; she should never be allowed to just cry. This will only teach her that the world is a scary place and when she really needs you, you're not there for her.I hope this helps you. Just remeber as tired as you may be, this time will fly by a in a blink and your "babies" will be 36 and 31! Denise.

I personally have two children, a girl who is five and a boy who is three. I did it for both of them at two. With my daughter it came as a rude awakening because I was pregnant with my so and did not want to be rocking her to wleep when I had a baby to take care of. So one night I put her playpen in the livingroom where I could not hear her, after going to to the bedroom a dozen times or so. I kept checking on her to soothe myself basically, because I felt bad hearing her cry like that, but I decided that I had to do it. Because I could not put two babies to bed at the same time and stay sane. So when it was bedtime, I put her playpen in the livingroom, turned on some music and left her to cry herself to sleep. Now they go to sleep on their own. I did the same thing withmy son after it worked with my daughter. They get a movie before bed and when the movie is over, one of them gets up and shuts the tv off and they go to sleep. Once in a while we fight with my son to get him to sleep but he is still only three, just turned. So I give him a little leeway and just direct him back to bed and cover him up. Other than that, they put themselves to sleep and most fo the time, they sleep through the night. I personally think that this is their first real step to independence.

Hope my opinion helps a little.

H. Abbott

This is a problem I am struggling with as well. My son is almost 10 months. He wants to nurse himself to sleep, which is okay for now, but around a year, I want to wean him so that will not be an option. I would not let your baby cry it out at 4 months, but I don't know when the appropriate age to start is.

I started letting my daughter cry herself to sleep at 2 months. I'm a single mom and worked 12hr shifts at the hospital, so sleep was important.
She is now 5 and I have NEVER had a problem with her sleeping patterns unless she is sick.
I honestly believe it was the first way she became independant and built her self confidence on a subconsoius level.

I believe that as a parent we all do what we feel is best for our families. That differs from person to person. I did the "ferber" method to an extent. But I also have friends who couldn't do that. The point is everyone is different and as long as your okay with what you're doing don't worry about anyone else. Having said that, usually at that age they have a reason for crying. I started letting them cry for about 5 minutes when my kids were between 6 and 8 months old. When I knew that they were not hungry, had a clean diaper, and were obviously tired.

Hi A.-
I am a first time mom myself. When my son was about 10 months old he was sick for about a week and we let him sleep in our bed - BIG MISTAKE! For the next week, we couldn't get him to sleep through the night in his crib. I got onto a web site www.sleepsense.net and took the little questionare and they emailed me back with what I needed to change. It wasn't easy letting my son cry, but after a few nights he quit crying and goes right to sleep now. I did cheat a little - I bought him a crib toy that hangs on the inside and sounds like a rain forest and if he does wake up in the middle of the night, he turns it on himself and goes back to sleep. It is so nice to not have to get up in the middle of the night. Good luck and check out the web site - it has a lot of good advice.

I have three children. The first doesn't sleep well yet at 13, the second slept through the night right from the hospital. The third had little choice and I was so busy working with three kids under 5, when I put him in the crib, by the time I usually checked he was sleeping. In my opinion 4 months isn't too early. Humans develop habits quickly. I was a better Mom with more sleep and my children now put themselves to bed by watching the clock not constant harping at them. Again, it's habits we develop in our children and the expectations we set for them.

Hi A.,
I never liked letting my children cry, but I also knew they had to learn how to comfort themselves. A little crying is ok, a wailing child is not. I have 3 grown children and 3 grandchildren. I rocked all my children to sleep until they were about 2 or 3. I never really had a problem with them crying at night. I will say they often got up at night and crawled in bed with me and my husband, but that didn't last long.

Hi A.,
Great question. I think it really depends on the parent and child. Before kids, I didn't have a problem with letting them cry it out. However, my firstborn changed that. She would only cry if she needed something as an infant. Later, when she was old enough to let her cry it out (we had trouble getting her to sleep in a crib from the day we brought her home), we discovered that she was not a good candidate for this. The longer she cried, the more she would wind up. Once she got started, you had to hold her to console her. We also discovered that when we attempted to let her cry it out, it made matters worse. One night of letting her cry in bed for 1/2 hr or more resulted in not only the repeated proceedure the next time, but it would begin the moment we walked into her room (even if she was asleep when we carried her in!... Seriously, she would wake herself up to do this the minute we crossed the threshold). My twins were a bit better and we have not had the same issues with them and we have on occasion let them cry it out. My firstborn to this day does not like to sleep alone and will try to climb into bed with us (we send her back to her bed). It took some time, but when we stopped trying to push, she started sleeping in her own room, her own crib and through the night,,, before her first birthday. That's how we ended up with the twins. LOL!

Hi A.,

I believe some babies need to calm themselves down before they fall asleep and some of them do that through crying. If you are going to let your daughter cry it out, good for you. It's really hard, but in the long run you are teaching her how to calm herself down. You are giving her the gift of sleep. This may take a few nights, just stay consistent. Are you at SAHM? If yes, try it for naps. I bet after 2-3 nights, she's catch on. You'll be so happy you did this. My son has been sleeping through the night since he was 8 weeks old. Good luck!!

I have friends who's kids are almost 3 and 1 1/2 and they still get up in the middle of the night. I take NO parenting advise from her. SMILE!!

I have 2 children - ages 2 1/2 and 1. With both of them, we let them cry it out some to learn how to fall asleep by themselves. I would say that we started to do this around 4 or 5 months. There are times that this process seems difficult, but believe me - the end results are truly worth it! It is wonderful to have a 1 yr. old that you can lay in his crib at 7 pm and he falls asleep by himself and doesn't wake up until 7 am the next morning. Our daughter can sleep great by herself - if we can get her to stay put in her toddler bed!

I went through the same debate with myself and others when my little boy (now 6) was a baby. I agree that you shouldn't run to the baby every time she gives a little whimper, and it's probably a good idea to give her a few minutes to calm herself. But, you should also remember that crying is a baby's only means of communication when they are very young. If you haven't already, you'll probably just get a "feel" for when your baby is crying for attention or when she is crying because she truly needs you.

I personally think that it's alright to let a baby cry itself to sleep as long as you have made sure that she is not hungry, wet, feverish, etc. first. And if the crying goes on for too long I think you should go and comfort the baby and try again another night. I too have a friend who didn't let their baby ever cry herself to sleep and she ended up having a toddler/youngster in bed with her until she was about 7-years-old! So, it is important to get your infant to be able to fall asleep by themselves, definitely! I think every child is different and every mom too, so you have to decide for yourself if it is time to let her cry herself to sleep. Good luck!

I let my kids learn to 'cry it out' around 5 or 6 months. It's also the time that I take away their binky, so they have to learn to soothe themselves to sleep. I have 3 boys, 5 and 3 and 3 weeks, and the older two are both awesome sleepers now!

Interesting :-) Depends on your point of view. I've heard many Moms (including some of my best friends) that let them cry and swear by it. I, however, just plain couldn't do it. Yes - it took my two longer to learn how to sleep but they did - now 3 & 5, they do fine. I tuck them in between 7:30 and 8 and they're usually asleep by 8-8:30 mostly on their own. Granted - I didn't run to them at every whimper either! I've seen some Moms do that too :-) Whatever works for you. Everybody is different. You'll be fine - don't worry so much :-)

I started with my two girls at a very young age at about 3-4 months of age. Babys are smart and some people don't realize it. Letting them cry is good for their vocals, and knowing they can calm themselves down. It broke my mother n'laws heart to watch them go through it but she found with my second daughter it was ok. Of course I knew it had something to do with her being the "grandma" and her wanting to save them from me!

This is what I did for my girls....

let them cry for 5 mins, check on them calm them and leave again, do it again for another 5 mins. After I would calm them two or three times I would let them cry for longer IF they were still awake.

Having their bed set up where you can check on them and they don't know your there is a very helpful thing for yourself, because you can watch them and SEE they are ok. Some people think it's all going to happen over night, I would love to find the kid(s) that do that!! Those parents are lucky!!!

In fact it can take days/weeks/months/years.... every child is different, and sticking to it is your best hope.

If you think you wouldn't be able to do it, have a friend there to stay with you during part of it. I did with one of my friends, her son was used to staying with her until he was almost three, I went over or was on the phone with her to help her through it. It worked for her and him!

Good luck to all parents on this, in my opinion this was the hardest part of being a young parent, letting your child cry.

Hugs!
B.

It's heartbreaking, isn't it?

When I had my first son I rocked him to sleep for every nap and at night. I absolutely loved to cuddle with him. However, by 9 months old, I was tired. It was taking longer and longer to get him to sleep and I was having a harder time staying on top of my housework because my son couldn't fall asleep on his own. After discussing the issue with my husband we decided to let him cry it out. It was really h*** o* me but in retrospect it was the best thing I've ever done. He still clung to his 1:00 am feeding for another couple months, but then that drifted off as well.

I would have friends and neighbors over and when I told my toddler that it was naptime or bedtime and he happily ran into his room and jumped into his big boy bed, they were amazed!

With my second son rocking him to sleep wasn't an option. I had my older kiddo that needed one-on-one time with me. So the little one had to fall asleep on his own from the start. I still made time to cuddle with him and there were cases where he fell asleep in my arms before I could get him to his bed, but they were few and far between.

Whatever you decide to do, it has to be something you and your spouse agree on. I've often found in parenting that what is best for the child (and the family!) often requires hard choices. Good luck!

M.

My son was a very good sleeper as a young baby, slept through the night since before 2mo old. Then, at about 10mo old, he started waking at night, no change in routine or anything. I thought ok this is just a phase and for a few nights I went to him, rocked him back to sleep singing lullabies (sweet right) Well, things got worse over the next couple of weeks. He woke up more often, was harder to put to sleep, and then started not wanting to sleep at all after I put him back down. I did not like the idea of crying it out. I tried everything else. I can't even begin to tell you all the things I tried and yes we had a very consistent bedtime routine and I knew that nothing was physically wrong with him. I read alot about the cry it out method and finally decided that was it. THe first night was horrible. I put him upstairs as usual. By the time I had closed his door he started to cry. I walked up to his crib said "no cry, shhhh, bedtime" and walked out. I sat at the bottom of the stairs for an hour listening to him cry and cough. I was crying too. He finally feel asleep and I was relieved. The next two nights took about 30min, the next night 15min, and forever after that was never more than 10min, usually not at all. It totally worked for me. It was not fun. It was not easy. I believe in the cry it out method when nothing else works for your baby. I think it's only for older babies, 8mo and over. It is a personal choice and for me personally I don't want a 2yr old sleeping in my bed and keeping me awake. Loss of sleep is not good for a parent and is not good for a child. I hope my story will help you in your decision and hopefully you won't even need to do it!!!!!!!

Your baby may be just going through a growth spurt and needs to eat more, which could explain why your baby is awake. I'm one of the lucky ones who's babies were sleeping all night at one/two months old. I never let them cry for very long. I would lay and listen for a few moments to see if they could settle down on their own, and most of the time they can. But if I got up to feed them or whatever, I would never turn on the lights because I didn't want them to think this was time to wake up and play, it was still nighttime and nighttime is for sleep. I also didn't engage in play with them in the middle of the night, no matter how hard it is not to. They soon realize that when it's dark in the room, it's time for sleep and eventually they will sleep all night. You can let the crying go on I'd say for a few minutes, but not for a long time, and I think babies will learn how to self soothe without being neglected. Just my experience, hope it helps. By the way I have FIVE children. lol..

My oldest was 6 months old when my pediatrician brought up the cry it out idea. I didn't like it either (at first) but did it and I was so relieved that it truly took only 3 nights and she was suddenly sleeping through the night. For my second we started immediately with just simply putting her down when she was drowsy and not totally asleep and she mostly learned how to fall asleep on her own with only a brief version of the cry it out approach which we did when she was 5 months old because we were ready for a full night's sleep and felt she was old enough. I love the cry it out method because it really is fast. And I think it is so healthy for a baby to know how to put herself to sleep. I felt like it carried over into better naps and better sleep when they were sick. Once my children learned how to put themselves to sleep they rarely had sleepless nights even when they were sick or sleeping over at other places now. And as a result, I was able to trust that if they DID wake up they truly needed me and I was happy to respond. I have a friend who never did that. I don't think she (the mother) has ever slept through the night herself since having her first baby as a result. Her now 3 year old slept over at our house for a few nights last week. My husband and I were not used to being woken up a half dozen times a night. It was not a fun experience. Regardless of whether or not you are having your baby cry it out now or later you can begin by laying your baby in her bed when she is nearly asleep as a beginning step. Perhaps she will begin to fall asleep on her own and you won't ever truly need to have her cry it out. I think it is wise to want your baby to sleep through the night and to sleep in her own bed.

Hi A.,
I did not respond to your first email but I will give you my input now. I started at 4 months old letting my child do the cry it out method. I used Dr. Weissbluth's book (healthy sleep habits, happy child). He said the time to start it was around 4 months. The book explains why to do the cry it out method also. I wanted to do it so he would learn how to soothe himself to sleep. I was also sick and tired of spending 40 minutes to try to get him to sleep and then he only napped for 20 minutes. It got very frustrating! He is now almost 1 year old and sleeps like a champ!! 2 great naps and 12 hours overnight. Our routine for naps and bedtime is: milk, book, sing, white noise machine, tell him i love him and that I will be here for him when he wakes up, put him in the crib awake but drowsy and leave the room. I did buy a video monitor so I could see what he was doing. If he did cry...I could see that he was not hurting, just protesting. He does not cry at all anymore. In fact, by the 3rd night, he did not cry. Good luck! L.

A. - I have three kids 4, 2 & 4 months. It sounds like my thoughts on sleep are similar to yours. It is very important to me to teach my kids to sleep well, by themselves and as early an age as possible. My methods have worked very well for all three of my children. The most important thing to do is to teach your kids to fall asleep without anything that won't be there in the middle of the night (music, nursing, rocking, etc.). I put the baby down when he is drowsy, but awake, so he learns to fall asleep in his crib. Then I do a partial cry-it-out method. I start with letting them cry for 2 minutes, then I go in and try to soothe them & talk to them, but I never pick them up. I stay for a couple of minutes, then I let them cry for 3 minutes. I repeat this process, increasing the intervals I return by 1 minute until the child stops crying. The reason I like this is that if you just let them cry without checking on them, I think they can become fearful & develop an aversion to their crib. When you check on them without picking them up, they know you mean business when you put them in their crib - it's time to sleep. But by increasing the intervals in between, the child learns & trusts that you are coming back, he's not alone, but at some point it's just not worth crying that long to make you come back. Depending on the development of your particular child, this method can work at 4 months, but it's a little on the young end. At 4 months, I'm usually just working on getting them to fall asleep by themselves. But by 5 months & definitely by 6 months, kids handle this method very well. I think it's worth trying now. If your baby doesn't take well to it, stop & try again in another month. In the mean time, try just encouraging her to fall asleep by herself. I have never had a child cry past the 6 minute interval and each of them has learned to put themselves to sleep & sleep through the night within 5-7 days. The key is to be consistant & a nighttime routine really helps. I use this method every time they go to sleep, including when they wake in the middle of the night.
If the baby is still eating in the middle of the night, 4 months is not too young to wean them off the night feeding and increase the amount they get during the day. If you're breast feeding, just decrease the amount of time you spend feeding in the middle of the night & the baby will naturally compensate during the day. By the time you get down to couple of minutes of feeding, you can stop feeding them & use the sleep training method I described above to get them to go back to sleep without eating. I've never had to get to that point with my kids. Once they weren't eating much at night, they just stopped waking up at night.
Good luck!

hi A. i totally get what you are saying i have a friend with a 5 AND 7 YO AND THEY JUST STARTED SLEEPING ALL NIGHT w/o getting my friend up for something. in the book what to expect the first year there are alot of helpful ideas with getting your baby to sleep through.it goes month by month so you know what stages and events are coming up for your little one i think they say not to try the cry it out thing until they are 5-6mos(because a baby younger than this cannot physically go very long w/o eating) also keep in mind that through the night doesn't mean 10 hrs but more like 6 or so.all the different ideas you were getting on this site are probably due to differnt parenting styles. for example the attachment parenting model says to never let you baby cry and you will foster a more secure and confident child but there are other styles as well/ my own personal experience is that with my first, a boy we did the let him cry thing(using the ferberizing method, which is in the what to expect book or google it) i think that is what a lot of folks in your responses were using(go back to check you baby every 5,10, 15 minutes) it was a week of hell for us and our son but after that he slept great, we did that at 5 mos. with my second, she does not respond in the same way and we are using a gentler method to ease her into sleeping all night on her own(she is 5 mos now). so my advice, tune into your child, make sure there is nothing that is hurting or bothering her to cause the waking, when she is old enough and you think she can do it choose a method and stick with it for at least a week to 10 days. if you see no improvement, try something new. it is a process but it will get better and just because your baby is having a hard time now, doesn't mean you are destined to be sleep deprived for the next 5 years. good luck and keep us updated!

I think you should do whatever you need to do and is acceptable to you. I saw some posts that said it was "uncacceptable" to let a baby cry it out, but sometimes that is all you can do.

My son kept waking up at 4-months but he wasn't hungry and he was tired, he just didn't know how to put himself to sleep. After trying a bunch of different things that didn't work, my husband and I finally agreed to let him cry it out. The first night he cried for over an hour, the second was about 45 minutes, the next was about 15 minutes and then he slept through the night ever since (give or take a few nights here and there). It was the best thing we could've done. He is an excellent sleeper to this day. He never cries when he's put to bed, he sleeps deeply and is always happy when he wakes up. (He's now almost 5.)

My daughter on the other hand, was not about to go this route. She would cry for 2 hrs before I finally gave in. It just wasn't going to work for her or for us, so I learned to deal with the lack of sleep of waking up 1-2 times a night for months. I finally stopped nursing her and would give her bottles of water and after a week, she started sleeping through the night. To this day (she's almost 3), she still occasionally wakes up at night for no reason, she sometimes fights bedtime, she wakes up early and I know she doesn't sleep well some nights. I think it's because she never really learned to fall asleep (or back to sleep) on her own for so long - she still wants me to be there with her.

Anyway, I think you just need to listen to your insticts and do what you think is right and if that means letter her cry it out, then do it. If not, there are lots of other methods you can try. I think babycenter.com is an excellent source for information on this topic.

Good luck!

I answered your other post, but I'll answer this too. I do believe in letting kids soothe themselves. Sometimes that means crying it out. I let both my kids cry it out, and it worked just fine for me. With my daughter, we started when she was about 7 months old. It took about three days. My son was older, but it only took him about 3 days as well. However, he still wakes up now and again (he's 17 months old), and all he wants is a hug, and he'll go right back to sleep. I guess I could let him cry at these times, but a hug is so painless and kind of sweet, and I don't really mind waking up for a couple minutes. I figure he'll outgrow this soon enough. ANYWAY, as far as the crying goes, I know it sounds harsh to some people, but it helps so much in the long run--as you said, you don't want a kid who can't put themselves to sleep. I have babysat for a number of families over the years, and surprisingly, many of the children needed someone to either sit with them until they fell asleep, or needed someone to rub their backs to make them fall asleep. I realize this is a parent's choice, but for me, I LOVE being able to put my kids in bed, give them a hug and kiss, turn the lights out, shut the door, and have them fall right to sleep! Altrenatively, there is a book by Elizabeth Pantly called "The No-Cry Sleep Solution" that helps parents who don't want to let their kids cry. I know people who swear by it, but I never had the patience for all the things she suggests (she says her tecniques can take months). I hope that doesn't make me a bad mom!

I am a new mom as well, but have 14 nieces and nephews. My baby is four months old and I let her cry...for awhile. There is, to me, a difference between crying and screaming. Babies can cry but when they start screaming its time to let them nknow you are still there. Its hard too when you start the transition period. Our daughter sleeps in our room, in a bassinet. She was 7 weeks premature and occasionally has sleep apeana, where she stops breathing. When we move her to her own room it will be difficult, but they have to grow up. Crying sucks for baby and mom, but they won't learn any independence unless we let them. Good luck with your baby.

I am one who said that you should help your baby when it cries. I had my first child in 1996. I have been reading articles parent magizines, and over the years I have read many that say that it is important to respond to your child's cry for the first year of their life. This establishes a base of trust that lasts the rest of their life. As they approach a year, there will be times when you will have to say no and start to no give them their way all the time. But at four months, that baby doesn't know how to throw tantrums. It is crying because it needs something. And even if that need is your comfort, by providing it for him no, you help realize that his needs will be met by you, and he can trust you. I do believe when they are older, closer to a year, that it will be appropriate to teach them to stay in their own bed to sleep, among other displinary things. I just think that the research indicates four months is too young.
I have a relitive who made your little girl cry herself to sleep from 2 weeks on. She is now three. She goes from being ok to crying histaricly when she wants or needs something. When she is crying she is totally out of control. I think this is because her mom let her cry and didn't help her as a baby. She thinks she has to cry hard and loud to get someone to pay attention. I believe that if you establish that trust, they will start out with a whimper, and they are easier to talk to about what is making them upset instead of being out of control instantly, assuming you are not going to give them what they want or need. Their are a lot of oppinions out there. This is mine.
S. mother of 5

Well, this is a vety hot topic and personal decision. IMO, I would never let a young baby cry. I feel they cry for a reason, and if the resson is to be held, well there is a reason for that. Also, this is how they bond with their mother/father. Contrary to some beliefs, babies who are held more and not let to cry are more secure when they are older. Plus I feel it is cruel.

Now, for a young toddler, It depends. If you are sure they just are prolonging going to bed then that is ok, but also I feel they too have a reason. I still think you should never let them cry to the point they get hysterical, I feel this will only cause insecurity later--and believe me you do not want that.

I NEVER let my kids cry (To be clear--when going to sleep--sometimes I had to if they were upset from not getting their way), My daughter was a good sleeper from the begining. My son, not so much. But it did not take long for him to learn, and without crying. My son is 10, my daughter is 13--both are very well adjusted!

Added Response: Just because you wont let your child cry themselves to sleep does NOT mean they will not be good self soothers or sleepers--that is a false assumption!!! If you know people who have children that do not sleep, something else caused it!!!!!!!!

Well I know it's about creating a sense of security in your child. I know there are a bunch of different opinions and either way it doesn't seem to hurt the child, if you don't go to extremes, and I believe the recommended age for crying it out is over 6 months. I believe that a 4 month old is a newborn still and doesn't really need to learn any lessons yet.

I personally believe that you can't hold a child too much and it is a good idea to go to your child as much as you can when she/he is crying. It lets them know that you are there for them and being in a dark room by themselves and then crying and having no one respond to them can be a scary thing.

My husband and I co-slept with all our children, we have two boys, 3 years old and 5 years old, and a 7 mth girl.

We moved our boys out of the bed at 1 1/2 and 3 1/2 and didn't have any problem with the transition. They do come back into the bedroom if they have had a nightmare or are sick, but they have no problem in staying in their room. I'm not sure why, maybe it's the way we did it? They share a room and we just did it matter of factly, not making a big deal about it? My boys go to sleep on their own very easily as well... so I don't think it's what you do, but maybe how you do it? No answer there.

I do know that I know that I like the fact that our children feel like they can come to us when they need help, no matter what time of day it is.. we are there for them (not to say others don't think that way about their parents).

I think that's the big thing about not letting them cry it out (that doesn't mean you have to bring them into your bed, though for us it worked really nicely especially since I'm nursing.. I get more sleep that way) it just means that you go into the room when they are crying and comfort them until they calm down, just to reassure them that you are there and they are not alone, and then you can leave the room.. but just responding to their cry can in still confidence in them, though I'm quite sure that children who are allowed to cry it out still love their parents very much.

But I know children who co-slept with their parents, and children who didn't who still have a lot of separation anxiety, and some that don't. I think it's really all in the personality of the child, and not necessarily how you put them to sleep????

I can drop my kids off at any babysitter and they never had a problem, they don't cry because we aren't there.. they dive right in, so we proved that checking on them in a timely manner does in still confidence and independence.

Prudence

I personally beleive the child will tell you what will work and what wont. Crying it out did not work for my child, but it did work for my neice. At four months however, I think that might be a little young. I didn't know they were even supposed to sleep through the night at that age. lol. At one year we did the slowly removeing ourselves from the room and that seemed to work after about 8 weeks its only supposed to take 3 or 4 days but I have and extremely difficult son who hates sleeping at any time... You could try that with your four month old. all you do is stay in the room make no noise or eye contact and just you being there they will eventually soothe themselves to sleep. And every night you place yourself a little closer to the door and eventually you can walk right out and they will be fine. hope this helps

Hey A. --
I responded to your other question, but I'll add a little bit here, too. It's funny how extreme some moms are on both sides of the CIO debate. It's hard to know what will work for one family, one child, one lifestyle, versus another. I think in the end, you just have to trust your gut.
Here's what we did:
We started at about 7 months. I was breastfeeding and working full time, so I knew I'd still be nursing my son for a while, and expecting him to sleep through the night was ridiculous. However, there were times he'd wake up, I'd think he wanted to nurse, and I'd pick him up and he'd fall asleep. Or he'd just barely start nursing, and then fall asleep. Ah-ha, I thought -- he just wants to know I'm here!
So instead of nursing him right away, I'd pick him up and let him fall back asleep, or one of us would go in there and pat him on the back, whisper to him, and he'd go to sleep. If you are still nursing or giving a bottle at night, don't cut it out if your babe is still needing the whole thing.
Also, there's a big difference between letting a child fuss for a few minutes, and letting a child cry for hours. Personally, I couldn't let my son cry for hours. He only cries like that if something is WRONG. But, letting him fuss... lol that's a different story. We let him fuss (whine a bit, no real hard crying) for maybe ten minutes, and then we'd go to him. Check on him, lie him back down if he's sitting or standing, and then say good night and close the door again.
We STILL have to do this sometimes. Sometimes he has a cold, or he's just too excited from the day. I'd say 90% of the time he goes to bed/nap awake but drowsy, and he falls asleep immediately. He also plays quietly in his crib sometimes before bed -- we can hear him talking to himself, lol.
He's 16 months old, he's slept in his own room from about 3 months on, and he's slept through the night -- 12 hours straight -- probably from about 10 months on. Like I said, I was breastfeeding, and I didn't WANT to cut out the nighttime feedings because they helped me keep up my supply. But, I also didn't want to get up 4/5 times a night, lol.
Good luck. I hope you find something that works for YOU.
A.

Hi A.,
I personally think it's okay for a baby to cry it out a bit, especially at bedtime or during night wakings. The skill of self-soothing and sleeping well is something the child will need their entire life. When my daughter was about 6 weeks old (very little) I would lay her down to sleep and she would lie there for a moment all cozy and content and then she would begin to fuss and cry. I would pick her up, soothe her, and lay her down again. Same thing. Finally, I let her fuss and cry for a few minutes and she went to sleep. She taught me! She just needed to get her frustrations out and get comfortable, so to speak. It took weeks for me to figure this out, but once I did, life was good. She has always been a good sleeper, but there were many times we had to "retrain" her as she went through different developmental stages. I wish you well on this. My favorite book on this topic is "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child" by Dr. Marc Weissbluth. Best wishes to you on this journey,
L.

Yes I agree with this I have a 3 1/2 old and I am lucky to have her sleeping threw the night, however my 5 year old never did until about 2 years ago when he was 3. I was at his beck and call at evry peep when he was a baby and then he started sleeping with me and I could not get him out of bed until he was 3. I would ask you baby Dr. when it is exceptable to let them cry and how long you should let them cry at a time. If their diper is clean and they are not hungery the I would say let them cry and check on them every 15 min and tell them it is fine it's bed tiem. Now that she is 4 months old make a normal bottle then add cearl- use the scooper from your formula (if your using formula) and then put one scoop of cearl in her bottle use a 2 flow niple for this and mix it up well do this about 1 hour or right before trying to put her to bed. This helped me out a LOT.

There are several books our there supporting the crying. I find them difficult to follow and here's why...
Babies don't develop object permenance until around the 9th-11th month. (hide a toy under their blanket and they know it's there still) Knowing that, they have no clue where you have gone when you leave them crying in their bed. When will you be back, when is their next meal or diaper change. They are scared, maybe angry. They will eventually quiet down and sleep, but in the early months it is nothing more than shutting down and conserving energy in case you don't return for a long time. Mere survival at work.
It was heart wrenching for me. I tried it once with my son, and even my hubby couldn't take it after a while and we never looked back. It seemed so unnatural for us. We personally coslept with our children, and I realize that's not comfortable for all families. That's ok. My son, now almost 8, sleeps in his own room, but still loves to crawl into bed and snuggle sometimes. I relish those times. My daughter, almost 4, could not wait to have my son's bed that was next to ours when he "moved out". She seldom chooses to come back to our bed. They are so different, but they do grow up and move on. It is such a short time on their timeline of life. No guilt... go to them when they cry, hold them and comfort them. They are only little for just so long. If it is simply a sleep issue for adults... maybe adjust your expectations. I never expected to sleep through the night as long as my children nursed. I was never disappointed when one woke, but was elated if my alarm went off first. Perspective changes a lot. Hope this helps... refer to the book The Happiest Baby on the Block.

A.-I started letting my first baby cry to sleep at about 8 months because of my husband's "encouraging" words:) She is fine. With my third baby, it started at more like 3 months and he is an angel. I put him in bed and he goes to sleep without a peep. I totally understand the heartbreak when they cry, but if they are not hungry, dirty or in pain, they are tired. Try a white noise maker and go to the other end of the house, so you don't start crying, too. Check on her every 20 minutes or so, for your own sake? Tell her it's okay, go to sleep, and then leave. It may take 2 hours or so, but in 3 days, you'll be glad you had the guts.

I am the mother of three--6,3,6months--and I personally let my children cry it out. My mother is a nurse and she has told me that at about four months if you choose to, do it. Her advice, make sure they are fed, changed, and safe and let them learn to soothe themselves. After about twenty minutes, if they are still crying, pick them up, hold them for a minute or two, or go in and stroke their head and give them their pacifier and leave again. The reason I do this--babies are master manipulators. For the first three months they are still getting used to the new environment and not really interacting with much other than you. By four months they start becoming more aware of the their place in the environment, and how to control it to a certain extent. Personally, I feel you should let them know that they are safe and just fine being by themselves. Hope this helps.

I know lots of mom's who sleep-trained their children at 4 months. I personally couldn't bring myself to do it until 5 or 6 months. At that age I found it only took a couple of days before they were doing much better at night. Also- I found it helpful with my last one (who is now 10 months) to have a camera set up in her room so that I could see that she was OK...otherwise I probably would have gone to her when I shouldn't have. (Actually, I had my husband keep an eye on her). Good luck!

I definitely suggest reading the book "Sleeping Through the Night". I can't remember the author (my copy is in storage right now) but I used this book with both of my kids and they have always slept in their own rooms, I have never had to lie down with them to fall asleep, they put themselves to sleep every night, and take great naps. It was recommended to me by a friend who also has always used the techniques in this book and her kids do the same thing as mine.

With both of my children I didn't leave them to cry until they were between four to six months. Generally, but not always, until then I would always put them to bed in their cribs asleep. At naptimes I would let them cry, but for no more than an hour. Fortunately I only had to do this two or three times until they were completely "trained" to get themselves to sleep without me. At bedtime I would let them cry for as long as was necessary to get them to sleep. Of course, I had a good bedtime routine established, and that helped. I rarely let my kids cry during the night until they were older--more like 9 months. Night waking is normal until then. However, if after four months, my kids were waking up more than was necessary for feeding (I bottle fed both of my babies, so I Knew how much they were getting each feeding) I would let them cry themselves back to sleep. They rarely woke up more than they needed to to eat, so this wasn't a huge issue for me. Crying it out doesn't work for every child, though. It worked for mine. They are both great sleepers and nappers.

Hi A.,

I'm a mom of two little girls. One is 2 and 1/2 and the other is 5 months. I've read many books and have had great success with both children sleeping through the night by the time they were 1 month old. I've read "Baby Wise" and "The no cry sleep solution." I know that some would think those two books are complete opposite, but I've learned to always take a look at both sides. Really, they are both right. There is a time to let them cry and there is a time to comfort them. The key is to get them on a eat/sleep schedule. With my 5 month old, I'm not a slave to the clock. But, I feed her every 3 1/2 to 4 hours from the beginning of one feeding to the beginning of the next. She always stays awake after I feed her for 1 to 2 hours. As a mother, you know when your baby is tired and can usually tell when something is wrong. If your baby has slept through the night, but is now deciding to wake up, it could just be because she's becoming more aware of her surroundings. However, there may be something wrong too. It is your job to determine if your baby is hurting or not. If you go in and pick her up and she stops crying right away, she probably just doesn't want to sleep. In this case, you may have to let her cry. Most babies just need to be on a schedule so that they know when it is time to eat, play, and sleep. This will give you a content and happy child.

I'm now finding that my 2 yr old even needs to know what's happening next. As adults, I think we forget what it was like to be a child and have to be on your parent's schedules. My 2 yr old is much more content and happy when she knows what I've got planned for the day. I guess that's another subject, though.

Congratulations on being a new Mom! It's very scary and exciting at the same time:) Blessings!

A.~ My daughter was about 4-6 months old when we started letting her cry herself to sleep. It worked really well and it helped so that she doesn't need to be put to sleep before laying her down. We just tell her it's nigh nigh time and she grabs her blanket and heads for her room. Sometimes she still has to cry a little to get to sleep but most of the time she just talks/signs herself to sleep. She is now almost 16 months old. Good luck.

Hi I never let my baby cry himself to sleep. When he was about 13 months I started laying him in his bed at night and would go right to sleep. I have strong feelings about letting them self soothe, but I know it works for some people. He seemed to be comfortable at that age to know that he is safe and was not being abandoned.

Hello A.,

I know how you feel. Letting the baby cry for a while will not hurt her. Its when she gets herself too upset that you will need to step in. Putting her down in her own room or in her own bed is the best thing you can start now. One thing I wouldnt do though is get her used to a nightlight. You can leave her door open and dont make everyone walk on eggshells while she is in bed. That will make it so she cant sleep when there is a party or other people over. If you keep the tv up or the radio or just normal household noises she will feel comfortable with the sounds she knows and shouldnt protest too much on going to bed on her own. I know she is only 4 months old but from one mother to another I never walked on eggshells or stopped doing normal activities when my children went to bed. If you dont make a big deal out of it then your child will see hey this is not biggy its just something that we do at our house and she will be fine with it. It will be hard to not run to her once you put her in her own room,or bed at first but she will get the hint that hey mommy and daddy are still here I can hear them so its all ok and I can go to sleep I know I'm safe. Thats why I say dont change the valume on the tv or the noises in the house at all when she goes to bed that way there wont be anything different when she is in bed then when she is up. Hope this helps

This is how I did it as a first time mom. I have two now. It wasn't until about 9/10 months that I started letting him cry for more than 5 mins. Before 9/10 months I would lie him down and let him cry for anywhere from 5-7 mins, I would sometimes just pat his back and let him know mommy is here. If you are married it is something to discuss with the spouse or daddy. My husband hates it that I let him cry and counter products what I am trying to do.

As they get older you can let them cry longer and after a while they will no long cry for long,but dont let it go past 15/20 mins. I know my youngest its almost nine months and a sound machine is the most helpful thing. gives them something to concentrate on other than the crying.

I've always heard that you shouldn't let them cry it out until at least 6 months. With my first daughter (now 21 mo.) that is when we started. She never slept through the night and by that point she was waking about every hour, so we were sleep deprived to say the least!
My method was to put her down awake and go in every 5 minutes to give her back her binkie. I didn't talk to her but to say "go to sleep," or "shhhh." It took a few days, but eventually she started to put herself to sleep on her own and sleep through the night. I highly recommend starting at that age though, as it is hard. Our first is now in a big girl bed and she goes in there awake and puts herself to sleep still.
I hope this helps.
J.

Letting a baby cry herself to sleep is necessary in order to teach your baby to put herself to sleep. You touched on this issue, writing about your friend who never allowed this & she AND her child are now paying for it.

We fed our son on a flexible routine of eat-awake time-sleep. (using BabyWise) So...we knew all of his needs were met before putting him down for sleep...awake. We let our son start crying himself to calm down before he was around 2 months old. Although it was hard to hear him cry, it didn't take him long to learn. We would let him cry for 10 minutes & then would go in & either pat him, put his pacifier in, talk to him a little, & then would slip out. Sometimes we picked him up (if patting didn't help him) & held him for a very brief time to reassure him everything was ok, & then put him back in his crib. It usually only took a couple times of calming him for him to learn this skill. He is now 18 months old & has been a GREAT sleeper. He even wakes up in the morning & just plays in his crib & talks to himself. He's a content little guy because he knows that his needs will be met.

4 months is not too early! The longer you wait, the harder is is (for you AND your child!). Obviously, though, the decision is yours.

Hi A.,
I have two children and had a really hard time with the first, tried the crying it out method, and it was really hard. It worked until we went on a trip and then she was back to her old habits and I wasn't about to try it again. With my second I read every book out there for sleep tips. The best book I've found is called "Good night sleep tight" by Kim West. In this method, you do let your baby cry but you stay with them and watch how they start to comfort themselves. There is much less crying this way and you know your baby is safe, dry ect. I highly recommend you get this book. I have a 6 month old and started doing this at 4 months. I can now lay him down in his crib after reading him a short book and he goes to sleep on his own. Good luck to you.
L.

When my first baby turned about 4 months old, my older and very wise pediatrician told me to let him cry through the night now. He told me that, physically, he is big enough to not need anymore feedings through the night. I trusted his wisdom and tried it. It took only a few nights and worked like a charm. My second baby, on the other hand, was a completely different story. When she turned 4 months, we did the same thing but she would cry for an hour before I couldn't take it anymore and would pick her up. I expressed my frustration to her doctor and he said, "Well, that's fine if you want to keep doing that, but don't come back here complaining when she's 3 or 4 years and is still giving you problems!" So, with fresh determination, we tried it again and it finally worked - it just took a little longer! I have 4 children and one on the way and we have done this with all of ours and have had no problems with them going to sleep for naps or bedtime. Please don't think me cruel for saying this, but at some point, children need to learn they are not the center of the universe. Letting them cry, especially when they are old enough, is not going to hurt them. I think the thing I needed to remind myself most (especially in the middle of the night and my mommy instinct was to pick them up!) was that 1) they CAN handle it and 2) I needed to be patient for about a week or so and then everything would be fine --- and I would give you the same advice. I think you already know the answer to your question - you said it in your email about the lady you knew - so take heart - it's only for a short time! I hope this helps!

~ C. H.
(Wife to Rick & SAHM to Christopher 12, Brianna 11, Hayley 9, Alayna 7 and baby boy due on the 18th!)

I think it is good to let your baby start crying it out before she cans sit up/pull up in her crib. We waited until my son was 6mo and he was doing both and I think it took an extra night of crying to get him to put himself to sleep because he could pull up and keep him self awake a little longer than if he would haave been around your daughters age. Next time, we will definately start around 4mo of age!!!

Our jobs as parents is to enable our children to do all that they can - you want to be proud when they are 18 that they are a responsible adult. This philosophy falls into many catagories. My 5 year old is responsible for keeping her room clean and her part of the car - that falls under respecting what's given to her. My 3 year old is responsible for getting his own snacks. I have a healthy snack bin that he can pick one thing out of. He can go into the pantry, get it, put the bin back, eat his snack, throw it away... They both are responsible for brushing their teeth, then mommy inspects that they did a good job so the tooth monster doesn't come at night. They LIKE being able to do things for themselves. I think it's ok for a baby to cry it out with help from you. First, as with all kids you need to make sure they are safe (he's not hungry, wet, too cold, too hot, hurt). As a baby he can't really tell you these things. Then allow him to learn how to sleep - with your help. Soothe him how you want, with a lullaby, a book, nursing or bottle, rocking... Then when he goes into his crib he needs to be comfortable that it's ok to go to sleep. Now, he may cry for a few minutes - totally natural and healthy. But when you return, don't pick him up. You can say time for sleep, mommy loves you, give a pacifier, turn a mobile on, but then leave. It's not mean, it's not torture. Use your gut though. If you've been at it an hour and there's no stopping this night versus other nights it works, maybe there is something else going on - maybe a cold is coming on... Otherwise, by letting him fall asleep on his own he will learn to do the same in the middle of the night when really he is just stirring from a dream. 4 months is fine to start. By 6 months for sure they are capable of doing this. He is just a baby and needs to be filled up with lots of love, but it's ok for baby's to cry at times. The longer you wait, the harder it is to break your habit. I used the Ferber method with all of my kids and when it came time to move into a big bed there were no problems! They felt safe in their rooms and were excited to pick out new things for their big beds and we didn't have to go through learning how to sleep. They didn't try sneaking out of bed - they new after the routine they lay down and fall asleep.

There are many different parenting styles. Personally, I received a lot of contradictory advise on this issue and several others and so I started researching different parenting styles. I found one that works very well for me and I'm sticking with it. What you have to remember is that no one way is right and all the others are wrong. You have to find a way that works well for you and the kind of family you want to have.

Melissa

It is a personal decision, that's true...but it's not really as cut and dry as that. If you teach your child that there is no routine in the daytime and then switch to strict routine at bedtime...you're going to have a baby that cries every night. It varies for every child, but there comes a time when they are capable of putting themselves to sleep, and it's a learned skill. We started at birth putting our babies down to nap...no, not cry...but laying them down, swaddled, to drift off to sleep. It doesn't always work for every nap and as they get a little older, it's fine to let them fuss a little...going in periodically to position the paci, pat them on the back, etc. You'll know if your baby is crying for a need to be met, or fussing. Having done this with our boys...we have (almost) never had an all out cry-it-out bedtime. My friends and family continue to be amazed that from just a few months, our babies get put to bed and go right to sleep! I have 3 children ages 17 - 1 and I enjoy a quiet evening from 8:00 on, and a full nights sleep every night. My marriage is strong because of it, and my family dynamic is incredible. My children are happy, well rested and secure! (No, not perfect...still kids...lol) But it is a testimony to the benefit that you will reap when you start out right!

Okay, kind of got off topic... but hope you got some good info.
~L.

I found this information on Elizabeth Pantley's site. http://www.pantley.com/elizabeth/advice/0071381392.php?ni...

Hi A.,
I didn't read the other comments so it was said I don't mean to sound repeative. Read the book Health Sleep Habit, Happy Child. It is a great book. My first son I didn't let cry it out until he was a year and a half. My second son, after reading the book, let him cry it out at 6 months. Both of my boys now go to sleep on their own and sleep through the night. I think it works because it teaches them how to soothe themselves to sleep. You have to teach them to go to sleep on their own, without your help. This book helps to teach you how to do it. Good luck.
Chris

I totally agree with letting a baby cry (some). As you mentioned, I also believe that it helps the baby learn how to self-soothe. With my daughter I didn't start letting her cry at bedtime until she was 3-months old. At that time I would only let her cry for 5-10 minutes before going in and trying to soothe her. If she was sick or I knew something else was going on (like teething), I wouldn't let her cry. Once I went in to soothe her, I would try and soothe her without removing her from her crib. I would do this for 5 mintues or so. If that didn't work, then I would pick her up and walk with her until she calmed down. By 6-months, I would let her cry for up to 20 minutes but I would never go longer than that. I truly believe that allowing the baby to cry some at bedtime teaches them to self-soothe. My daughter is almost 3 years old now and self-soothes herself at naptime and bedtime.

Our son is 6-1/2 months old and I'm going through the whole process with him now. It's taking me a little longer with him because for the first 5-1/2 months I had him in the same room as our daughter so I wouldn't let him cry too much because I didn't want him to wake her up. A month ago I moved him to another room and I've been working with him to learn to self-soothe. At first he would wake up every night at least once. After about 2-3 weeks he learned how to put himself back to sleep and now I don't get up during the middle of the night with him.

Good Luck!

i have a 16 month old son and i practice attachment parenting. my son has never had to 'cry it out'. think of it this way: when a baby cries, that is the ONLY way they know of to communicate a need. babies up to a year do not know the difference between a need and a want, so everything seems like a need. this is ok. when they get close to a year old, you will notice a change where their cries arent as urgent, more like just complaining, and that is ok to cry a little. letting a baby 'cry it out' is the same thing as sitting in a room with someone who is talking to you and completely ignoring what they are saying. if you couldnt talk, and someone put you somewhere where you couldnt get out on your own, and you were scared, or cold, or hot, or hungry, so you cry, because thats the only communication you know and besides, your upset about it, and no one listens. ok, cry harder and louder. (you will notice this in babies that are forced to 'cry it out' their cries are almost ear piercing because the normal cry just doesnt work.) yes, after a while, they go to sleep because it is a coping mechanism. yes, they may stop crying so much but its not because they are content, it is because no one listens, so why bother crying?

this carries over into their whole lives. toddlers who were babies who 'cried it out' actually cry and whine MORE because they have learned that their communication isnt valuable. my son is 16 months old and it takes him MAX 10 minutes to go to sleep for naps and bed, as long as hes being held. and you know, if im too busy during the day to hold my son for 10 minutes, what did i have him for? he is never 'afraid' to go to sleep. wouldnt you be afraid to go to sleep if you knew that you would be put into a place you cant get out of and you had to cry??? babies who are let to 'cry it out' actually learn that the only way they can get to sleep is to cry. ive had babies come to my day care and the only way they would sleep is if they cried for a half an hour first. not exactly what we need to be teaching our kids right?

believe it or not - kids being dependent on someone holding them to go to sleep is not a bad thing. someday your kids will be grown and dont want to be held anymore, and you might be left wishing you could. i know when my son is older i wont have those types of regrets because im taking advantage of the time now. my son is happy, healthy, and independent, dispite the feeling of 'cry it out' supporters that baby will never become independent. baby becomes independent with a healthy dose of dependence! they know they have someone to fall back on. they trust their parents to communicate and trust! when we shut off the communication at one year old, we are harming our childrens trust in themselves that they can communicate effectivly.

i encourage you to check out advice from william sears, martha sears and the sears family. they had 8 children whom were attachment parented, and their children practice it as well! their advice has been SO important to me in an area where the grandmas and mothers think that we should control our children instead of letting them grow. everyone here seems to think it is ok for babies to cry it out... when we dont fully understand what IT is. my son is the most wonderful little boy and it was HARD WORK getting to this point, but i wouldnt have changed a SINGLE THING i did raising him. it was time consuming, exhausting, but i feel im doing the best thing raising my son to feel that his communication is important and respected.

i feel very strongly about this and i could go on forever. obviously, people take the 'easy' way out since crying it out does appear to make baby stop crying. but when you consider that it is because they feel that crying doesnt do them any good, it isnt as simple as it seems is it? instead of thinking of our children as manipulators come to interrupt our lives and ruin our plans, we should think of them as blessings from God and little people with feelings and thoughts! a baby's cry SHOULD bother us, it is that instinct that ensures the baby's survival and health. there has acutally been babies who 'failed to thrive' due to their needs not being fulfilled. i know that most people who let babies 'cry it out' are not neglecting their children, but emotionally, they shut down. when i think of people who let their kids cry it out, and the relationship between parent and child now, it is obvious how much it hurts their relationship. a friend of mine has 2 children and with her second, at ONE MONTH OLD, she pushed her daughter out into the hallway and let her cry ALL NIGHT LONG!!!! her daughter is now 17 months and completely uncontrollable. she doesnt trust her parents to help her, she doesnt trust her parents to know her, she doesnt expect her parents to know what she needs. she is fussy, unhappy, and a 'troublemaker'. my son on the other hand, does get into trouble, but he knows the meaning of no, and he usually does trust that moms no means no. its amazing the difference in the way they react to us.

but anyway, feel free to ask me to clarify anything ive written. sometimes when im really passionate about something i can get blabbing and not make sense.

I tried to let my first two daughters cry and could never follow through. They are now 7 1/2 and 4 1/2 and I still lay with them to fall asleep. When my third daughter was born last September, I started down the same path and getting totally exhausted and wearing myself thin. I got the book, Solve your child's sleep problems by Richard Ferber, M.D. They suggest starting around 5-6 months. I started the crying it out method and it only two a few days. It is never easy listening to your child cry, but seeing how my other two are so depedant upon me, made me that much stronger. I strongly suggest that book, it has been extremely helpful. Once things settle down here, I am going to work on my older two. Good luck!!

A baby should be taught to self-soothe. You can start after about 3-4 months, before that, responding to a baby's cries teaches them the basics of trust and emotional attachment. However, NEVER letting a baby cry, no matter what age, just plain makes for a miserable life for you and baby. AND, not letting a baby cry and try to self-soothe after about four months will create patterns of dependency that may last forever. Crying is a normal form of commuication for an infant, you often have to listen to the cry for a while to figure out what should be done. Those mothers who begin to panic immediately when they hear the baby cry are going to have a hard time. Trust your instincts, follow your plan consistently, confidently, and calmly and you'll be fine, whatever you decide. YOU CAN DO IT and BABY CAN HANDLE IT!!

we have a slightly "attached parenting" way of doing things in our house. i don't agree with crying it out, cause i feel that a newborn baby does not yet know how to communicate aside from crying. so when i hear a baby cry i think, is she hungry, have a wet diaper, does she need something, is she scared, etc. i wanted my daughter to feel secure and not alone which is why i choose to comfort her when she cries. a lot of people say that will "spoil" your child, but in my experience it has not.
my daughter had sleeping issues but that was due to me inadvertently training her to "nurse to sleep". when i began weaning that processed she cried for a few nights but both myself and she knew that the tears were not because she was hungry, but because wanted that comfort, (which we found new ways to comfort her).
whether the non-crying it out method had any affect, i don't know for sure. i only know that anytime we take her anywhere or have company we always hear "she is so happy and well behaved". i do know our parenting methods are in the minority out here.

my doughter is 15months old after 6 monthe I started to put her to bed I would rock her to sleep then put her in her crib after about a month I started to rock her till just befor she went to sleep so she was still really tierd but was not fully asleep so she now tels me night night when she is tierd also she still wakes up about once and is fussy but she usualy puts her self back to sleep after a few min how ever she douse let me know when some thing is not right ther are the bloody merder cry wich I runn to litterly and the I just wanan see if you will come eich is just kinda like a fussy cry I do this because I want her to beable to take care of her self aswell like tell me what she wants and she douse she knows what she wants and when she wants it I let her choos what she wants to eat and moest of the time it is milk and a sandwitch I am hopping she will beable to think for her self latter on when it is really importion for her to do this I know I sound kind mean but I am not I love my zoey verry much and would do eney thing for her but I also know I wont be there for every lil thing and I want her to be independent so she can help her self I see kids that cry over the lil thing and throw tantrums over nuthing and I see 10 year olds doing the same thing that if the tinys thing is out of order they dont know how to cope and have a melt down that is so not going to be my kid that is why I let her make her decision and so she know that I wont always be ther for her

Hi A., I think I may have posted to you before, not sure? I was an L& D RN for 7 yrs and now work in the NICU. I have a 10 mo old baby boy and certainly understand where you are coming from w/ the friends issue. When babies are born it is almost like they aren't ready to be born. Think about it. Think about the many other species of animals and how quickly their babies develop and mature, ours do not. Ours are born almost like a trimester early...and this is true only if born at term, if your baby was early you must also account for the time they would have been "baked" in your lovely oven. So our babies are born somewhat immature. What does this mean? Well for the "4th trimester" the first 3-5 mo of life a baby is happiest when the womb is recreated. swaddling gives the baby boundaries to help the development of the nervous system and body awareness, other things like using positioners while in the crib, the crib itself is a boundary. Other things include white noise and so on. If I did not post to you before. The book or website the happiest baby on the block is pretty good. Now to the issue of crying it out and self soothing. Crying is the babies language, it is the only way to get his point accross. When babies are first born they do not know how to self soothe, this is why you must answer their cries. A baby who is responded to, develops trust. A baby that develops trust will learn to self soothe. When? Around that 4-5 mo mark. Some babies will earlier and some later. Now all babies cry, prob. on average about 3 hrs total a day. Some all at once, some not. It sounds like your baby was sleeping gd and now is not? Think really hard about what could be different in her life. Did you go back to work, change something in her room, have you been busy and not getting quality time during the day? It sounds like she is waking up to get your attention if all her other needs have been met. And if recurring crying brings you back to the room night after night she is learning how to get you there. If you choose to feed her in the middle of the night and she is over 10 pds, and eating at least 10-12 times in 24hr for nursing or over 24 oz of formula per day. ONLY feed her 1/2 a feeding or less and put her back to bed. This is simply a habit you will need to work out of. Then slowly decrease the amount and when you think she is ready, just pat her on the back and leave after a brief reassurance or replacement of the pacifier/fingers whichever you prefer. Developmentally your baby shoud be ready to start learning to self soothe at about 5 mo. but she will need some help with the process, so don't answer her cries as fast, if you use a monitor- time to shut it off. She will wake you when she wants you. Also another good point is that infants sleep cycle is about 50 min long. and you will usually hear them rouse slightly between cycles, keep this in mind and don't jump the gun on those wimpers between sleep cycles. Wow that was really long, hope it helps, also a great book again is also " The baby whisperer" I agree w/ nearly everything in it, as a nurse and a mom. Good Luck

I think 6 months is about the right time to ease back and let them cry a bit longer. Doesn't mean you have to let them cry forever, you can just let them cry for a little while and then pick them up. Increase it a bit every time, and soon they will not cry at all, or at least for only a little while. This will help them tremendously in learning to comfort themselves so they can put themselves to sleep (and more importantly, BACK to sleep in the middle of the night). Also it lets them release some tension, now that their nervous system is a little older and more able to handle it. I'm one of those who can't stand to hear a baby cry, but I was able to gradually do this with my son, who is now 4 years old and sleeps through the night without any trouble at all, putting himself back to sleep if he cries. I did go to him every time he cried in the night until this age, but he would always put himself right back to sleep. So I think there's a compromise you can strike if you do it in a gradual way. Hope this helps!

My opinion is that you need to trust your "gut" about letting your child cry or not. We let our oldest cry herself to sleep starting at 4 months or so. It took her 3 nights to start putting herself to sleep easily. The first night she cried nearly 45 minutes. The second was about half that and the third was about 5 minutes. I felt good about it because she was very ready to sleep in her own room and in her own bed.

Our youngest was a different story. I could tell by his cries that something was wrong. He was in pain, uncomfortable and clearly needed to be consoled and held. It took almost 2 years before he started sleeping better. We finally figured out that he had a number of problems, including being allergic to most foods, chronic ear infections, chronic sinus infections, tonsilitis, etc... Once one thing was taken care of other symptoms would become more apparent.

In my opinion, it should come down to what you feel is best for your child and NOT what society deems appropriate. I went against the wishes of our pediatrician because I knew that something wasn't right. My youngest nursed until he was 18 months and you wouldn't believe the looks and comments I received. He has always been a big baby (very long) and looked older than he was. But it turned out that I was right, and now looking back I have no regrets. How will you feel in 20 years when you look back at the decisions you made for your child when he/she was an infant? Make decisions now that you won't regret down the road.

I never let my children cry and neither of them ever had a problem with self-soothing or being too dependant. I believe we have children to love and take care of their needs. A baby can't be spoiled from what I've experienced. Crying is the only way they have to communicate with you. Not getting their needs met, make them unable to trust. Now this is all to a degree and I'm not saying your need to sprint each time your baby cries. But letting it go on for vey long... well, you might miss something that needs your immediate attention. But that's my opinion. :-)

This is all about choice. Choose to let them cry or not! Just because 1 book says crying it out is no longer acceptable does not mean a thing. The next book or Dr. will have a different view. I can not tell you how many times in the las 12 years of having kids things have changed from one to the other. Repeat waking up and crying in the night when hungar and pain are not the reason is just a routine the baby has started. Some babies do, some do not. Some are self soothers and some have to be taught. What baby does not love a song and to be rocked and a cuddle? They just have to know that it is not 3,4 or 5 times in the middle of the night. All my kids 12,9,5,2 are all good sleepers now and the 2 that had to cry it out a little are not damaged or traumatized. Do what is best for you and your baby and don't get sucked in to feeling guilty or worring about what others think. I hope you have many restful nights ahead.

I know what you mean about not wanting to go down the path of your child not being able to sooth and sleep on their own. my daughter's cousin still doesn't sleep in her own bed (still sleeps in parent's bed)she is 4. I know a lot of people think the family bed is great. I personally think it is insane; how do husband and wife have a relationship? and at the close of the day I don't want little elbows and feet digging into me anymore. I want a good night's rest. I want a child who can stay at Grandma's all by herself so I can enjoy and anniversary with my husband, a child who sleeps through the night and who loves her own bedroom and bed and knows how to make herself feel safe there.

As I recall with my first we had to start with her from the very beginning because she was totally upside-down on her sleep pattern. But we attended to her first with soothing, As Heath And Maddy B said, swaddling and white noise help to avoid the cry issue. We would do that and rock her or stroke the bridge of her nose till she had droopy eye lids and then put her down. Put them down BEFORE they are actually asleep.
She would whimper a bit and sometimes she would "cry" for a half hour, we'd go check on her but not pick her back up (unless a diaper change was needed or she worked herself free of her swaddle). She figured it out and is now 3.5 and a great sleeper. She's always accepted that she has her own bed and keeping a bedtime routine that adjusts to her age has kept things good.

The point isn't so much letting them CIO as it is about them learning to soothe and calm themselves. We haven't had to deal with it so much with my second he is a different temperament. When he cries there is actually something wrong, toe caught on jammies etc. Still, though I put him down for nap or bed while awake. He'll chatter to himself a while and then drop off. He is 2.5 months. The swaddling helps him cue into what time it is.

SO I don't think there is a magical age so much as there is cue-ing into how your child is manipulating (some know how to do this very young) or what their real needs are.

And I've noticed some parents think that any sound their baby makes is a cry. It's not. As we taught my little daughter, her little brother just wants to talk sometimes, just like she does. :)

These days what answer is right and what is wrong? I am a mom of a 4 year old son. I chose to let my son cry it out, (even when he was young) it wasn’t easy but after only so many times of having to do this, putting him to sleep was nothing. I soon could lay him in his crib and he’d lie calmly till he fell asleep. I remember those first few night of allowing him to do this was torture, I myself was almost in tears. Sometimes I’d go in his room and not pick him up, but just talk softly and say “mommy’s here, you are ok.” I knew he was fed, changed, and not hurting. Did it pay off was it the right thing to do? I don’t know for sure, but my son from then on always went to bed real good. And when he woke up in the morning I often heard him cooing and making noises to himself, and when he got older he’d play in his crib and entertain himself.
I was 24 when I had my son, but I worked in daycare both as a lead teacher for all age groups as well as was a Director since I was 16. That does not mean what I learned from there was the “right way.” But I did apply a lot of what I knew to my motherly instincts. While working with children and in the infant rooms, one of the things I did notice was the kids that could fall asleep on their own versus the ones that needed to be rocked all the way till they fell asleep. I remember some children you would rock, and go to put them down and they would wake right back up, and then you had to sit and rock the crib and then tip toe away. Between rocking the crib till the child fell asleep, to holding kids all day because they couldn’t be put down with out crying helped me make the decision I did. I wanted my son to not rely on me and my touch as the only way to find comfort. Some may think I was cruel and harsh, by letting him cry himself to sleep, and that’s ok. I know that my son got so many hugs and kisses in between that he got more than comfort and affection to make up for it.

We let out daughter cry it out from about 6-7 months. I know many people say from about 4 months but I just couldn't do that. It was one of the hardest things I had to do but now that she is 16 months old and goes down every night without the least bit of a fight. She falls asleep within minutes and doesn't fuss one bit. She started day care and I was worried that she wouldn't take a nap there, but she has gotten really well at soothing herself to sleep and she falls asleep within minutes there as well.

I would say that not one way works for all children but this has definitely worked for us. It took about a week or even just a few days of her crying until she just passed out and she understood that we weren't going to come in and put her to sleep. I would hate to have to do it again just cause those few days are terrible, but am grateful and will try it on any other children we have.

I have to say that I got a piece of advice saying that it's important to get that in before they learn to stand in their crib. I didn't think that would matter too much, but we went on vacation to visit my parents while my husband was off on summer break (he's a teacher) and we were there for almost 2 months. She got off of the schedule there and when we finally got back home we had to do the cry it out thing again and it was definitely much more difficult. When they stand they will fight much longer, we did get her back into her routine but I would give that advice to anyone who chooses to do the cry it out, do it before they learn to stand. And do your best to continue with that routine always. Good luck.

Hi A.~
i am also a first time mom! i have a almost 4 month old. i think that it depends on the family on which method you should take. i know a few moms that let their children cry it out and now those kids are a little older and not all of them sleep through the night. one of my family members has a baby a little older and she would let him cry for up to 3 hours! before she started he was pretty cuddly and now he is not so much but that could have nothing to do with it also. but her daughter is about to turn 3 and now when ever anyone leaves her she starts screaming no dont leave me, wether she is at her house or anywhere, she too is not a very cuddly little girl. i tried to let my son cry it out for almost a week but i have found that it doesnt work for my family. i have also researched this topic a ton (mainly because my family members keep telling me i need to do this) and a lot of docotors have written that the children that have cried themselves to sleep are not as social when grown up and have less self confindence. but there are many books written by doctors saying the complete opposite. i hope this helps, and i always have to remember that no one knows what their child needs more than their own mom, so follow your heart and best judgement.

I don't think 4 months is too young I'll be honest and I might get flamed for this, but my husband and I decided to let our daughter cry at 8 weeks. I knew she was capable of sleeping 6-8 hours becuase she had done it already (on my chest on the couch) and I needed her to give me more than 2 hours stretches at night from 11 - 6. I'm a teacher and I'd been back at work for 2 weeks and I was completely EXHAUSTED (and I have a horrible time trying to nap during the day). We let her cry and figure it out... she fussed hard (not really crying) an hour the first night (and woke up to cry for a few minutes every 2 hours), about 20 minutes the second night (and didn't wake up unless she was hungry during the night) and didn't cry at all the thrid night. She learned really fast. Now she very rarely fusses or cries at all at night (naps are a different story...) She goes down so easy as long as we follow our bedtime routine (prayers, book, nursing, song and in bed). I would suggest doing it... you're daughter won't hate you and you're doing her a favor... you are letting her learn how to fall asleep and stay asleep. She will be a happier, better rested and healthier baby for it... not to mention you'll be more well rested too! Good luck!

hi,i know exactly where your comming from. my older daughter (now 12 yrs old) had this problem. however we didnt want her to relie on the sleeping w/mommy, and daddy bit all the time. so i would go in her room at night and rock her to sleep. however her favorite thing was to dance w/ her. now i know this may sound somewhat outragous especially when you want sleep your self,but you have to remmeber your daughter is still young and befor long she'll get use to her bedtime routine.believe me when i say this but you will know the differance in her sleeping patterns just by setting up some kind of routine.further more like i said my daughter is now 12 yrs old and has only slept in my bed a total of 10 times her whole life. it being sick or a bad dream. any ways i hope this helps you like it helped me. good luck.-K.

This seems to be a timeless issue: to let them cry it out or not! Even clinical and sociological research has looked at this issue, and a number of these landmark studies were published in professional journals back in the 70's. One of the biggest findings has consistently been the effect of age. Babies in the first two quarters of life have more instrumental cries. They often don't just cry because they want you, but they cry because they need you. In the third and fourth quarters of the first year, cries become much more expressive and purposefeul; they will cry because they need you, but they will also purposely cry just because they want you. As far as the cry-it-out issue is concered. I don't believe personally that there is anythign wrong with it later in the first year, especially as your child gets closer to 9 months and beyond (though there is limit to how long you should let them cry and scream). At four months though, there is no need to push your child to sleep through the night or to let them cry-it-out.
Overall, the idea that letting babies cry-it-out has a negative impact on cognivitive and psychological/emotional capacities has largely been discounted, just as the idea that picking up a baby every time it cries 'spoils' a child and teaches them to cry to get what they want has been disproven in research.
As an academic and a mom, I have both hands on experience with this and have also done some research on the area of mother-infant attachment. There isn't often a clear-cut answer, because every child is different and every parent
s parenting style and choices are different. Do what's best for your family!

When my 6year old was a baby, I would put her down asleep but the moment you laid her down she would wake up crying so you would have to begin all over again. I was on a forum such as this and found people to be extremely opinionated about crying it out. Dr. Sears fans seem to feel you will damage your child by letting them cry. I ended up doing a lot of reading on my own including Dr. Sears all the way to Baby Wise. I decided you can find a medically supported approach for any decision you feel comfortable with. My favorite book (which I didn't find until my 2nd child) was Weissbluth's Healthy Sleep Habit Happy Child, it supports both crying it our or not. But if you follow his approach about putting the child to bed earlier (before eye rubbing) you avoid the need for most crying. Anyway, I agree with you that it seems if you don't get your child sleeping well early on you will continue with problems. I have noticed alot of these children that don't sleep through also have diciplinary problems. But I am sure there are many exceptions to that.

I found the same opinions about co-sleeping.

I also found that all the pro breastfeeding literature stresses feeding on demand and you will find a lot of strong opinions on that. It is all a blur now (my 2nd is 22 months) but I think by 6 months I was nursing 4 times a day. I breast fed my first for 2 years and my 2nd weaned herself after a year. My point is there are a lot of right ways to do things.

We all have to find what works for us. I am a person that needs my sleep so getting my child to sleep through the night is a priority. I wish I was a 6 hour a night woman, but I am not.

I think after your child is three or four months old, the age that is appropriate to let them cry is when you feel comfortable. I started letting my son cry when he was about a year old and he sleeps in his own room and his own bed, but I also insisted he sleep in his own bed from the time he was six months. Anyways, he is almost two now and does sleep in his own bed now and most of the time through the night. But with my next child I plan to do this earlier. Really, you know your child and it should be when you are comfortable with it.

When an infant cry's her heart rate and blood pressure increases, she gasps for air between sobs, she screams for someone to hear her and help her. Infants are no different than adults, how do you feel when you cry? Get a headache, feel sick to your stomach from gasping, adrenaline starts to flow, you might feel a little pannicky. is that how you want your baby to feel? Contrary to popular belief babies don't cry for no reason. There is ALWAYS a reason. Hungry, anxious, angry, lonely, tired, scared, wet, dirty, gassy, painful. When her cries are ignored She discovers that her needs don't matter and will give up. What a horrible thing to do to a helpless child.

None of my kids have cried it out. My almost 6yr old slept through the night from 8months (that's 12hours straight, prior to this he only woke 1-2times starting at around 5months) He still sleeps great and doesn't require help to go to sleep. My 3.5yr old is autistic and has difficulty sleeping, we met his needs he started sleeping through the night around 26months, without our help and is now a great sleeper without ever crying it out. Our 10month old also has never cried it out and sleeps beautifully.

Just because your friends daughter has different needs doesn't mean that not using cio (cry it out) caused her to be the way she is. She might be insecure, or extra needy because of many factors. Maybe she doesn't like her bedroom, maybe she has emotional/mental delays that no one has picked up on. Maybe she just really loves her Mommy and wants to be close to her. There is absolutely nothing wrong with a child/infant having their needs met by their parents.

Like everyone says, it's a personal decision. Our pediatrician said 6 months is about the earliest you should let a baby cry. And for me, I go crazy listening to the crying so I don't let it go past 15 minutes or so. I let our first child cry at 7 months old. After 3 nights, he was able to put himself to sleep without crying & has been great at going to sleep ever since (he's now 5).

I now have an 11 month old who was good about sleeping but got sick with croup in October & has never got back on a decent schedule. Some days he goes to sleep without a peep & other nights he cries. For me, it's the intensity of the cry. If he's just whiny crying, I let him keep going. If it's an actual scream, I pick him up. I know others say I'm training him to train me & they might be right but I find if I can soothe him, he usually goes to sleep quicker.

Babies seem to be a mystery & each one is unique!
T.

My kids doctor always said that 6 months is when you can let them start crying it out. I have four kids and we have let them all cry it out. We waited with my forth and didn't let him cry it out till he was 10 months or so and we wished we would have done it earlier.

I did not let my children cry. Each child (now 19 and 18 years old) developed in their own way and individuated at her own pace. Probably there is no certain way to handle our childrens cries, other than what works for us. At the end of the day, I am satisfied with the way I handled their cries. I interpreted them as the need for comfort or connection. I picked them up when they cried, regardless of the hour. I did not mind and never expressed being upset because they were crying. Although a no-no, I let them sleep with us. I also rocked them a lot. They eventually outgrew the need and went on their merry way. Hope this helps.

4 months is more than an appropriate age to let her start self soothing. I'm sure your friend who didn't let her child cry it out and is still dealing with issues at 3 years of age wishes she had let the child learn to self sooth way back when!

You're doing fine...as long as she is 13 lbs or more she should be able to sleep for an extended time. If she's safely in her crib and poses no harm to herself, let her learn to figure it out.

Hello A.!

I think it's such an individual decision for parents and it depends completely on each child. I do not judge anyone who decides the crying it out method is best for their family/children.

My son slept with us until he was 18 months old, then transitioned fine into his own big boy bed. He slept all night and continues to be a great sleeper (now 6). My daughter is a work in progress. She is a year now and still nurses frequently during the night and therefore sleeps with us. It works for our family and we do not mind at this point.

The crying it out method never worked for us and I did try! My only advice would be to keep trying, but be very consistent. The 3-4 year olds who refuse to sleep is another issue entirely and that becomes about control and boundaries. So I wouldn't worry just yet about your 4 month old :).

Sweet dreams!

Hi A.,
Babies can only communicate by crying. When you want or need something, don't you just ask for it or get it yourself? A baby is totally dependent on his parent(s). Meeting a baby's needs provides security. They know that when they cry, a parent will come, and make an effort at taking care of their needs. When parents don't come or come inconsistently, some babies shut down. Why should they cry for food, dry diapers, loving and cuddling when they can't anticipate how the parent(s) will respond. I don't think that is what you want.
Look at your baby as the little person she is, who needs to be respected just as you want and need to be respected.
In general, the majority of babies don't sleep through the night the first 6 months and before 6 months babies don't even make the connection with what you are trying to accomplish.

The Ferber Method isn't recommended until 6 months. If your daughter is 4ish months she's probably still too small for the "cry until your face turns red" method and the best bet for the next few weeks can be the "carry me around until I conk out" method.

If it doesn't rectify itself soon, jump right into the self-soothing, I say. This is especially true for your sanity.

I highly recommend the "Babywise" book, if you have time to read!

A.

A.,
I am a mother of 3 and with all 3 of my kids I let them cry it out. Infact my youngest is 20 months old and he still cries it out. It may take him thrown every thing out of his crib and layin there cryin for 20 mins. Slowly calming himself down little by little in the 20 mins but he knows we are there. I feel it actually helps them in life. The same with their first sleep over or their first day of preschool. In the long run like ur friend, u pay for it. I also feel this way about special blankies or stuffed animals. My sisters daughter still has a special blankie and u know how many times it has been mailed to their house cause they forgot it at the airport or church lol Now don't get me wrong i do feel kids need special things. Just leave them at home. Anyways I don't feel that it affects their future like others say. Kids grow up the way they are raised. If u allow ur child to grow up with a distance between u and them ..... then that is what they learn. In this day of society it happens for alot of reasons and i don't think letting them cry it out when they are 3 months old has alot of play in it. They learn what they are taught wether it is peer pressure or from the home as they grow. I do have to say i agree with some of the other post. Do whats best for ur baby and u. Only the mother knows best. Good Luck and stick with whatever u pick cause in the long run ur there until the end.
T.