Looking Through My Man's Phone

Hey ofie, yeah i think you were wrong, my girlfriend also 39 did the same thing not once but twice, and it caused all kinds of problems, call me old fashion but even at the age of 39 we need to not be setting up homestaed and giving ourselves to a man who is not our husband, men who live like this have no real coommitment in their hearts, and if they had any love and RESPECT for you they would marry you not want you to be immoral, I'm 51 been married to my husband for, well next month 27 years, By the way Ofie, I'm not jusging you, but some where down the road women quit protecting them selves, if you are good enough to sleep with and live with you are good enough to marry. You sound like a very loving woman, so you want to set a great examole for your son. J.

Your child needs to be in a stable place. Why after 3 years are you not married yet? Between the lack of a marriage and obvious trust issues, you should really think about moving out immediately. Something isn't right and you are now realizing it. Go back home and start dating him again if you think you may want to marry. You need to be strong. The past three years he knows you are willing to be with him without the necessary commitment to you and your boy. Show him that is not the case. Would you want your son to do that to somebody?-if you stay, your son may think it is OK to treat women this way. If you want to make it work, go to counseling while you are out of the same household, things will be mor objective then.

Sounds like there are trust issues in this relationship. I would suggest couples counseling. Now, before the wedding.

With no other information to go on, I'd say that you don't 100% trust this man, and when you go looking for confirmation that you are No. 1 - you are not finding that confirmation. If some woman is leaving him a "booty call" message. That is beyond inappropriate and confirms your right to your suspicions (unless it was a joke or something).
I feel that when it gets to the point in a relationship that you are spying or snooping, there' a reason why you are doing that. If there's nothing wrong, you won't find anything. At the same time, who wants to look like a fool while their man is running around for booty calls. If he is furious with you for looking at his phone - then perhaps he's trying to hide something...

i totally agree with jennifer c. maybe you two should look into premarital/couples counseling.

If you doubted him enough to look in his phone then you do not need to be marrying this man. Trust is a very fragile thing and it sounds like he's already stepping out on you. A piece of paper will NOT change that behaviour.

What would you do if he looked at something that you "thought" was yours? If you have a lack of trust in this man you ought not think of marriage. Just because he called his ex-wife/daughter before you before he called you should not even have come up. Do you have any kids with this man?
if not then I won't stress it. Do you love this man? Has he given you reason for not trusting him? As far as right/wrong issue only you can answer that question. When you pick up the phone did you get the feeling (I shouldn't be doing this) and you did anyway ... then you most likely felt it was wrong.
Get some pre-martial counsel if you plan to work any issues and get them out and taken care of before taking the next step because after you says the vows it will be somebody else's feelings involved (your sons'). THINK BEFORE YOU ACT

When there are trust issues... it can make a person do anything to search for "proof" that causes a red flag in us.
So it's hard to say whether is was "right" or "wrong" to do.

Some people are always suspicious even if they shouldn't be...and it's an issue inside them. Some are suspicious because of just cause. That's another issue. Did something your Fiance do cause you to feel suspicious? Or was it just your gut instinct?

You need to decide, for yourself, what is it you want? Someone you can't trust... or someone that provides respect and stability and trust?

Did your Fiance "explain" the "booty call" messages on his phone? If his 32 year old daughter did indeed call him, as he said, it would show up on the "messages received" or the "missed calls" listing on the cell phone.

But REGARDLESS.... this is going to be a "problem" that is not going to go away... there will be continued anger, frustration, communication problems, trust problems, sneaking around, dishonesty, cover-ups, possible lies, confrontation, drama, emotional roller-coasters, and constant suspicion on your part, and a stand-off'ish behavior on the Fiance's part. How can there be trust, for BOTH of you?

If your Fiance is indeed fooling around... well, he will just probably "hide" it more now. BUT, if those phone calls were innocent...then he will be angry that you don't trust him.

Sometimes, in this day and age, women can be very aggressive and go after men they like...thus, making it look like it was the man's fault. I've seen women like this. They want who they want and don't care if he has a family or not. They just go after the guy. So, this can also be the scenario.

BUT, If your suspicions are valid... well, you have to decide what to do with this man. You probably will not trust him again no matter where he goes, no matter who he talks to, and will not trust him with any opposite sex friends.

No matter what the details are or what excuses he gives... the bottom line is that TRUST is not there. Is this what you want to marry? It will not create a stable or happy environment for couples, much less for a child.

REALLY think about this.

How is it going to be SOLVED? THAT is what you should think about. Not whether you looked at his cell phone or not. Look at the bigger picture. How committed is HE to you? Will he go to counseling? If a man is TRULY committed to his relationship...he will do anything to help it and will cooperate. It is human nature....that if someone does not want to lose something... they will go to great lengths to save it or at least try to honor and respect that which they love via words AND actions.

Now, as for you.... is this what you want? Do you REALLY want to commit yourself to this relationship? To him? To the drama and possible deceit that is apparent? Think real hard... you also have a child involved... and you want a positive environment for him, right?

A relationship is a 2-way street, it is reciprocal. Not one sided.

Its not easy I know. But really, think twice.
Take care,
~Susan