Lost Control of My 3 Year old...HELP!

This may be medical if: You firmly and calmly disciplined this from the very first times he tried any of these behaviors starting around 1 year old. Small tantrums, small defiance like running away when you called, all the small early stuff. You never let anything slide, but yet at 3, he's still doing all of it even worse.

But IF, you disciplined things sporadically or angrily after they had escalated (after age 2), and then gave up because he got even "worse" and "angrier" in those moments, this is totally normal and he's outlasting you with his difficult behavior.

Try six months (it should only take a week to see a big difference) where you remain calm and loving, but firmly dole a consequence EVERY TIME he does these things on the SECOND warning. During the beginning of a tantrum before it escalates, give one warning to cease, and give a consequence if he carries on. He may get po'ed and spin a larger tantrum in that moment (give him a minute to rage then calmly warn him to pipe down or continue the discipline) but after a few times where he sees the result is always the same and he's never allowed to carry out the fit without intervention, he'll stop at a warning. This will stop future tantrums, not always tantrums that are already happening. You want him crying because you gave him a consequence, not a self inflicted frenzy rage he feels like having.
At 3, he's well set in his ways so it may be a pretty big battle, but if after 6 months (max) of lots of love, attention, firm clear rules, discipline, plenty of sleep and healthy food, he's still completely out of control, have him checked out.
If dad's around, have him take the lead on discipline and attention and setting an example whenever possible, it's means a lot more to boys.

You said yourself you're not overly strict. It takes diligence. I have an easy girl, a very spirited boy, and a natural born terror beyond strong willed. I was very strict from the get go. They all caught on. Some quicker than others. Number three took diligence to a new level (early on before age 2), but she's great now. You can do it!

agree with all the moms who suggest check with your pediatrician first or perhaps even a developmental pediatrician.

Sounds like he is just struggling processing his world. Occupational Therapy helps as does "previewing" the structure of the day, so he can anticipate what comes next. We write out the schedule of a day for my daughter so she is less anxious about what comes next and she can anticipate and plan in her own head how to organize herself.

He sounds verbal, can he tell you why he gets so frustrated? In "Talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk" they suggest acknowledging. "I can see you are frustrated...can I help, should we take a break, this puzzle is tough etc ?"

You may also want to track what he eats and what he does as there might be a pattern - certain reactions or intolerances to certain types of food (wheat, soy, eggs, dairy) or food dyes. He may get overstimulated by certain TV shows or movies or video games (if he does those things) He might be calmer after vestibular activities like swinging or heavy work like sandbox or pulling a wagon.

As the mom of a child with ADHD and OCD, I do recommend you talk to his pediatrician about the behavioral issues. If things sound extreme to the doctor, you should get a referral to a specialist who can better assess your son.

I've been there with the child who doesn't respond to any traditional parenting techniques, nor any of the "strong-willed child" strategies. You can get help at this young age if you push for it. We did.

Life doesn't have to be this difficult. See what the doctors think and take things from there.

Seek medical help ... my son is 4 and he has Adhd ... there is also something called Odd, Oppulent Defiance Disorder that may play a factor here too. I suggest you write down all the symtoms you see, keep a journal of daily activities from now until the doctor's visit. For the meltdowns, these are not tamtrums honey, place him in a safe room, tell him when he is calm he may come out give him things to throw like pillows, close the door (no locks) and walk away. He NEEDS to get it out he knows of no other way right now. Once we started letting my son meltdown in the same place with the same "throwing things" with the rule of when you are done you may come out they got shorter, and fewer and he now on his own will apologize when it is all over! And they are typically only 15min these days, 30 on a rough day. My son is not medicated, and you can get results with out it if that is your choice, we did try it but the lower doses did nothing for him. In rgards to the journal write EVERYTHING from when he woke up, what was his mood, did he do any rituals (ocd), what and how much does he eat (diet is important), what did he play and HOW did he play with it ("johnny played with his tonka truck by pounding it on the floor multiple times or johnny played with his tonka truck by taking it to the gas station and then to the construction site), sleep habits and patterns are important I mean journal it ALL! They really do need this information to make the best diagnosis for your child and it is best for you to have it written down so you have something to keep you grounded in this appointment. I wish you the best and I hope you are able to find the help you need because I do agree with you there is something going on that your little one needs help dealing with, good catch mommy, now take it to someone who can help.

You've tried everything but nothing works. Sounds like in a battle of wills, he wins. Pick one thing and stick w/ it. He may just need some good solid structure, which includes knowing what the consequences are. Counting works well in my house. It took many time outs and there were many tantrums (which I ignore!!), but she gets it now. When I get to 3, you will be in the corner and then after that you will still have to do ask you were asked.

Do you give him choices on some things so he feels like he has control over some part of his life instead of fighting you over everything? Small things: this shirt or that one? Milk or water?

When you try and get him to nap he could be overtired and then unable to sleep. Catch him after lunch when he is still in a good mood to try and get a nap in.

If he throws something during his tantrum, take it away. Put it where he doesn't know it is and let him know he can't treat things that way, even when he is upset. After he is starting to get under control, reintroduce some of the things. If he is hitting himself or things, give him a pillow. Tell him this is the only thing it's ok to hit when we are upset/angry/mad. Give him an outlet.

I started reading How to talk to kids so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk. You may want to give it a read. It has some good stuff in it.

You don't mention any type of schedule... do you have him on one? I have 4yo twins and they are MUCH better when we stick to a schedule/ they know what to expect.

Also - you don't mention how he is w/ other people and or if he is in any activities. It would be interesting to know how he acts for others. At three he is old enough to be in a little 2 - 3 day pre-school (usually 2 hrs a day), the ones at churches are really cheap. Often times our children won't behave for us but are 'good' for others. Maybe he just needs examples re: how he should be acting - peer pressure is actually a good thing at this age (helps w/potty training, etc).

I think we need more information re: exposure/behavior outside of his time w/ you in order to assist you better.

Schedule schedule schedule, my two almost three year old is just starting this. He has a sensory processing disorder...He just now in the last 7 months has started fully talking where most can understand him.

He is horrible to me..i.e. slaps, kicks, bites, tantrums throws things at me..I could go on but it is ness. He is in speech and ot. I have tried this with him to do time outs. we have a overabundance of car-seats from many years of different cars and grna.. So now whenever he gets into one of his snits or tanturms i set him in the car seat turned away from anything we are doing. He stays there until he is clam and then does his time out.

We are Love and Logic trained parents..which honestly if i were more strict on my older two we would use it daily. I am using it now mainly on lil son.

For moms who say this is cruel and not ok. I not only asked my love and logic coach/teacher, I went a step further and call cps. to ask them if this was over the line for punishment. They gave me a resounding nope. That as long as you are in ear shot and he is not near anything he could pull over on himself it was perfectly ok.

Good luck mama, My oldest is 5 and has turned full circle from where he was like this too. so there is a light at the end of your tunnel.

-Libby

Sounds like he is likely perfectly normal. Three is a very frustrating age. He has (virtually) no power in his world. He is (to his mind) constantly told what to do and when to do it. Things that helped with DS at that age.

1. Figure out what things trigger tantrums/anger and avoid them - avoid doing things that are difficult when he is hungry or tired. Make sure he gets enough sleep - it makes a huge difference.

2. Let him have more control. Especially things that don't really matter (to you). Give him 2 positive choices - 'do you want to wear the blue shirt or the yellow shirt?' 'do you want to play lego before breakfast or after breakfast?'

3. Say 'yes' as much as possible. Instead of 'no, we can't play now, we have to clean your room' try 'yes, we can play, just as soon as we clean your room'

4. Get down on his level to talk to him. Touch him, look in his eyes then talk. Toddlers get super engrossed in what they are doing and honestly don't hear us (kind of like DH and whatever game is on tv).

5. The do-over. A true life saver. When I felt that I was getting upset and DS was going to lose it soon too - I would say something like - wow, DS, I'm getting mad and I think you look sad/mad/whatever. I don't want to feel like this - do you want to do a do- over? A do over usually starts or ends with a hug which helps us re-connect.

6. Make it fun. If he wants to do it, it is easier. We raced to the bathroom to brush teeth, raced to get dressed, sang silly songs while hand washing.

7. Do it together. We clean up DS's room together still (it's faster, cleaner and now it is actual positive time together instead of an argument).

8. I try (not always easy) to speak to DS the way I would like to be spoken to. If I think I would resent something if my boss at work phrased it a certain way, then I should not phrase it this way to DS. If you want a child to develop respect for you, I really believe you have to model this behavior and treat the child with respect.

9. He will get mad when things do not go exactly how he wants. DS used to get sooo mad when he couldn't get his lego to do what he wanted to. All we really did was rephrase it so he had words for his feelings (wow, that must be really frustrating) and ask if he wanted a hug. And now he is older and it is much better. He was learning in a concrete way about shapes and gravity and kinetics and that he can't control those things.

10. Try to be on the same side as much as possible. I try to stop, take a deep breath and remember - The goal is not to have an obedient child. The goal is to raise a compassionate, empathetic, questioning, reasoning adult.

Best of luck. BTW - it doesn't exactly get easier - they just get older and have different challenges.