Maintenance Is Prevention - So Why Won't He Do It?

I used to feel just like you until I read the 5 love languages by Gary Chapman. Basically, it says everyone has a way that they feel loved and I realized my husband's love language is words and when I'm nagging him all the time, not only does he not feel loved, he actually resents me. So, I shut up and suprisingly, it worked! Now, I just say, "oh thanks so much for taking out the trash, you are so thoughtful." or whatever. I also shared with him that my my love language is acts of service so they best way he can show me love is to do the dishes or put the kids to bed for me. It's not easy to not nag, but I think it has improved our relationship a lot.

look at flylady.net
It most likely will not help your husband to pick up any better (though mine eventually did), but you'll gain more time to be with your kids. Good luck!

Hi C. -

One thing I have come to realize about my husband is that he does work from a list quite well. I can nag, gripe, cry, complain, and wonder why he doesn't see the mess or the little things that need done...to no avail. If I make a list once a week or once a month, put on it all the chores needing done and post it, he works on it. I often don't see him doing it or marking them off - heck, sometimes he doesn't mark them off, but it gets done, so who cares? And it's often a longterm things - not the daily chores, but the bigger intermittent chores like "organize camping stuff in garage". This is not to say that I don't put things on like "clean cat box" etc. and I will still ask him to do things verbally. It just does for some reason work to make him a list. I asked him why. He doesn't know why.

I've heard other women state this as well, so give it a try!

Also, I have learned to go with the flow better from the FlyLady (www.flylady.net) She won't let you blame your husband with stinkin' thinkin'. She'll get you working better and more efficiently, get your kids involved more readily, and your husband will hopefully jump on board. For some reason it works for a lot of flybabies' husbands. If you don't believe me, give it a try.

Best of luck to you!
- K.

C.,

It might as well have been me asking that exact question!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am having the same problem with my husband. I am a teacher and have a Masters degree, but he thinks that since he works more paid hours than me, I am supposed to do the housework and take care of the kids. He even got upset that I don't make him breakfast and lunch! The nerve! I make dinner every night, clean up the kitchen, wash the dishes, do the laundry, take care of the kids, take out the trash, sweep, go shopping, make the beds, clean the bathroom, etc., but as soon as he sees a speck of dust on the floor, he gets upset and says how dirty the house is! He drives me crazy. Then I pick up HIS clothes off the floor, put HIS dishes in the sink, wash HIS 10,000 pairs of underwear and socks....

I have tried giving my husband lists of things to do and then he calls me a nag. He also doesn't want any regular chores to do. He says that if I need help, I should ask him. Well, after asking 10 times and him still not doing it, I just do the job myself.

If you find out a miracle cure to get a husband off the couch to help with chores, please let me know!

I get the same way sometimes, mostly when I forget to look at the big picture. Like my daughter not being raised in daycare by some stranger. It is very hard to be home. Sometimes I feel my husband forgets who gets everything done. So sometimes just to be a brat. I accidently forget to wash his work clothes. I know that's completely childish. But it just reminds him that we've had a busy week and sometimes he needs to help. I also feel it's my responsibility. I get to stay home while he gets up at 4:30 everyday and goes to a place that he has to be at everyday. While some days I sleep in till 9am. So it's realy a trade off. I must say that I think my life is less organized and a bit more chaotic since I've been home. I started my own business and that seems to just have added to the mess.

Good luck and don't forget to look beyond the milk cartons & laundry. Your doing best for your children.

I read your "rant" and I totally know where you are coming from. I have avoided the list and telling him what to do, thinking, he should know what needs to be done and pitch in...so I started leaving the over flowing trash can near the top of the stairs (when I knew he was coming up) so that maybe he would just see it, grab it, and take it out....NOPE, walks right past it. I am not wanting to tell him what to do. He is a grown man, and knows.....HOW CAN WE GET THIS HELP?? I am feeling resentful as well....

I had a giggle when I saw your email - sounds exactly like our household except my husband stays at home with our daughter and I work full time - and he complains how messy I am!
From the other side of the fence it is really exhausting to work full time and spend quality time with your baby and husband, let alone worry about whats for dinner or the vacuuming after work!! Remember how it was keeping on top of the household chores when you worked full time? Then add kids!
Nagging has the absolute opposite effect on me - the more he nags or tells me what to do, the more I resist! (childish I know!)
We've come to a few arrangements - like he now puts anything I leave around (like papers) in a box and its up to me to sort out. If its big items I have to do he writes it on a whiteboard to do at my own pace. He cooks on weeknights while I play with the baby, I cook on weekends.
Sometimes its as simple as me looking after our baby to let him get out of the house for a break or do some chores, go to the store without her
But importantly he has also got alot better at realising that I'm working full time and although I might not take the rubbish out I contribute in other ways like paying all the bills, arranging car insurance etc etc. So make sure you recognise these things your husband might do.
And a simple thank you on both sides does wonders! If he thanks me for doing something I'm much more inclined to do it again!
Good luck!

My turn to vent too! I work as a nanny and bring my 10 month old with me. My husband and I work the same hours and get paid almost the same too! Yet when we get home at the same time, I still have laundry to do, dinner and dishes, and then the bills to pay, and the list goes on. He plays with our son while I roll my sleeves up and get working. I try to just maintain through the week and on the weekend, tackle a big project like the bathroom or organizing. Sometimes, he gets off his TV-watching behind and helps but not usually! So here is what I have finally decided:

I will not do his laundry anymore so he has a laundry basket on his side of the bed, which he fills to overflowing until he does it...but at least he does it now.
And I don't do garbage. Also, right when we get home I have made the first hour my break time where I relax away from everything with a book. I figure this is good bonding time for him and our son.

Other than that, I have to nag about the big weekend chores like the bathroom. And if I ask him to cook dinner, he says he will then surprise surpise it is a frozen pizza or a hamburger helper!
Oh well, I have to laugh now!

My husband is he same most of the time except he will cook and do dishes. He was at home with our kids for 3 years and did everything and went right back to doing not so much after I returned home from my last deployment. So I think basically every person who is home more then the other has the same gripe.
I am wondering if you can afford to get a housecleaner on a regular basis to lift that load off your shoulders and have something done for you. It is such a pain to have to pick up to clean and I don't know about you but I get more pissed at each item I have to put back in its place. Anyway you will most likely still pick up on the days that they come but you won't have to clean afterwards and can go and do something just for you while they are cleaning.

Ok, first off, I am really not sure, but a couple options come to mind. I had roommates in college who were awful, but never did figure it out with them. But, then I wasn't married to them!

So here's my only idea...

Sit down when you aren't mad and discuss it with him. Don't sit down when you are mad and trying not to seem mad, you really have to wait until you really are not mad. Discuss with him how you are feeling, preface it all by saying that you love him dearly and think he is a great dad and husband, but this issue is eroding at your happiness. Also be compassionate too. It really is not that easy for someone to change their ways, even when they want to. You'll probably need to manage your expectations too - it is virtually impossible to change over night. If your husband has been a slob, it takes a lot of practice and hard work to overcome these bad habits. So, ask him to help with 1-3 things that would make a difference to you in the short term, and once those are better you two can move to something else. I am sure he will agree to help, and once he does, maybe even ask if you two could talk in 2-3 weeks and see how it is working for both of you. That way, you can just let him do his thing without pestering him, and you still leave the door open that this will be an ongoing discussion - not a one hit wonder.

Hope it helps!

Don't you just wish guys went through empathy training and housecleaning while in school. They just don't see all the housework that we do. I've been in your shoes...and not that I'm out of them by any means, but for the time being I'm not totally frustrated with my hubby.

Something that helped me is http://www.chorewars.com

It's silly, but you get to put down chores you do and you get points for each chore. It's a kind of competition, but you can't do just housework stuff for this to work or he'll give up easily. Ask him what are some things he hates doing at his work and make that one of the chores. Ask him about some of the chores he does that he wants on the list...mowing the lawn, etc.

He'll see what you do and may want to do extra just for more points. You can use the points as rewards on your own (night out ...etc.)

Read 5 love languages by Gary Chapman and The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands by Dr. Laura. The second IS NOT like it sounds. It is about mutual respect on both parts.