Middle School Kids "Dating", Really?

i can't imagine telling my kids that they can't have friendships. from kindergarten on my boys had 'girlfriends'. i didn't freak out about it or assume it meant sex, and it didn't.
girls were part of the gangs of kids they hung out with. my kids still have close girl friends from those days.
my philosophy was to have sensible rules and reasonable expectations. they went to movies in groups. at sleepovers there would often be piles of kids all over the living room, but all bedroom doors stayed open.
but to pretend that a young teenager can't or shouldn't have a crush on someone else?
that's just as unrealistic as insisting they can't 'date' (depending on what that means to you) because they will inevitably have sex.
they're not magically ready to date at 16 or 18. learning how to navigate relationships in increasingly romantic situations is part of adolescence. we should help guide them through it, not pretend it doesn't happen.
khairete
S.

Yes, and has been going on for as long as I know. We called it "going together" when I was in middle school.

Yes, it does. Perfectly normal and harmless. My oldest son and step-daughter, now high school seniors, started "going out" with people in middle school. They would talk on the phone and message each other, eat lunch together, walk up to the park, and on occasion, go bowling or skating or to the movies (gasp!). Obviously they needed to be driven to and from these outings and often, a parent would stay in the vicinity just like if it were two friends that age going somewhere. These relationships were short-lived and harmless.

While it's important to have reasonable limits put on your kids, don't be that parent who flips out over young love or what you'll end up with is a kid who does was she or he wants in secret and who doesn't have an open line of communication with you for more important issues when dating gets serious as they get older. My husband and I both see dating and relationships, for those who are interested in that, as a normal part of adolescent development. There are a lot of great lessons to be learned as your kids navigate relationships and you want to keep the lines of communication open so that YOU can be one of the people who educates them on how to treat other people and themselves.

My oldest son had an eye-opening experience when he was 16 and his girlfriend had a mental health crisis. We had a lot of good talks about boundaries, mental health, and not being able to treat or save someone who needs professional help and not getting sucked into dramatic relationships. With another girlfriend, he learned to stand up for himself and not accept having someone be mean and disrespectful towards him or talk to him like he's an idiot just because she was "smarter." With my SD, we've kept the lines of communication open about using medically-based birth control (the pill or an IUD). She didn't express a need for it until very recently (and is now 18) but knew that if she were sexually active in her long-term relationship (they've been dating on and off for most of high school) that we would rather she be safe and healthy about it than not.

I have friends who didn't "allow" dating until some arbitrary age like 16. I can assure you that their kids weren't waiting, they just kept their dating a secret from their parents or even worse, engaged in casual sexual activity. While they weren't going out on dates, that didn't mean that they weren't fooling around in a bathroom or a dark corner at a party. Just something to think about.

When I was a middle schooler in the early 80's kids were dating. I was dating in grade 7. We took the bus to the movies or the mall, walked to the rec center, pool, bowling alley. We mostly went to school dances and community club dances with our "dates". Sometimes we were part of a group, sometimes just one on one. It was pretty innocent and as far as I am concerned perfectly age appropriate.

Ummm, this was happening when I was a middle schooler, and I'm not a young parent. In 6th grade, discussing what it feels like to kiss a boy was a hot topic at slumber parties. So, yes, I would think it happens everywhere and has been for many many years.

Yes.
I know kids (friends of my sons through school and taekwondo) that have 'dated' since 12 yrs old.
Their parents will take them to the movies and the kids either see a different movie that the parents or the kids don't sit near the parents in the same theater.

A lot of people consider it normal - but I don't think it should be - for so many reasons.
Fortunately our son never got into this.
We had a long time standing rule that he can't date till he turned 16.
Now that he's 17 - he can - but he doesn't want to - and that's fine with us!
I'm sure he'll date all he wants to in college.
There's nothing wrong with a late bloomer.

His friends have had SO MANY vicious drama filled 'break ups' - it not funny.
It's all lovey dovey for a short while and then the hate and spite go on forever.
Our son gets to a point where his friends are complaining about who broke up with who - and he's like
"You do this for fun? Seriously? With all the complaining you're doing (and it goes on for weeks/months/whole semesters) - can't you find ANYTHING else to do for fun that doesn't get you this upset?".

Teens are so self absorbed, growing, changing, and finding out who the are as their own person.
They do NOT need the added pressure of finding out who they are within a relationship.
They are INCAPABLE of having any sort of a serious relationship - and there's SUCH a RUSH for them to 'go steady' and get into exclusive relationships, and then there's hurt feelings every which way around when it - very naturally - doesn't work out.
A toddler does not need practice in learning to drive a car - because they don't have the skills they need to accomplish it successfully.
Same thing with tweens and young teens in romantic relationships.
Even older teens crash and burn, but they sometimes can handle it with a bit of maturity.
And don't even get me started with teen sex pressure, dating violence, pregnancy (we had a pregnant 10th grader last year at school), and the various STDs they can get involved with.

The upshot is - I don't CARE if people consider it to be 'normal'.
If 5 million people are doing something stupid - it's still stupid.
So just don't go there.
Sorry - I'll get off my soap box now.

I have kids in this age group. They have friends of opposite sex but not a steady one they are going out with. But their friends do, yes.

Yes. Goes on everywhere, but not at my house. No dating yet. Wouldn't be allowed and luckily, no one has peaked their interest yet. (My kids are 7th and 10th grades)

Mostly what "dating" is in middle school is just kids officially liking each other and going out in groups, after school, to the movies or ice cream parlor. They may even sneak in a kiss.
Much like I did as a 7th grader in 1980 at the roller rink.
Very few parents I know actually let their kids go out one on one at this age. Are there some kids who are less supervised and possibly more sexually active ? Of course, but that's nothing new. I knew a few 8th grade girls back in the day that went out with high school boys. Lucky for me I was immature and geeky enough to think that was gross.

My daughter in 8th grade, just started "dating" someone, also in 8th grade. What this means is mostly she and her "boyfriend" see each other at school and talk on the phone. They sometimes walk to the local business district (near the middle school) after school and hang out at the recreation center, fast food and ice cream places, etc. Most of the time, they go with a group of friends. Or if not, once they get there, they meet up with, and spend time with many school friends together. Sometimes they go to movies together. Parents drop off and pick up, which I think is fair for 14 year olds. There's no "going off someplace" private together because 1) its the middle of winter and too miserable cold outside 2) he lives outside the neighborhood and my daughter has no way to get to his house. He takes the bus back to his house. I monitor my daughter's bus card activity and she has to stay within our own neighborhood area. She takes the privilege of her freedoms very seriously, and she has always been very honest with me. I think she's learned from watching her older sister get grounded a few times that she knows I mean business. Even if she ever did make it to his house, it's never empty either, and she could never make it back home in time to get away with it. 3) I am not working now and I am never "not home" after school when she could have any opportunities to have him over. He's been over here once, and the brief time they were in her room, the rule is the door is wide open. Every family that my kids have ever been friends with has that same rule. I am also in the next room within ear shot. Am I crazy about it? No. Am I worried about the fall out when they "break up" or start having problems, very much! We set a lot of boundaries, but we don't "forbid" relationships.

I don't agree with this at all. My daughter wasn't allowed to date in high school because she didn't need the drama her friends were going thru. Now that she's older, she's happy that I didn't allow her to date.

I also think that once a "kid" starts dating and they go through all that drama/ nonsense that they take that into their relationships when they get older, because that's what they are used to. If they wait till they are older and more mature to start dating, they have a more mature outlook on the relationship and can make better decisions/choices and will hopefully be able to handle breakups better.

My daughter is almost 26. She's had to kiss 3 frogs in her life. She hasn't had to deal with major drama from those breakups because she was older, more mature to deal with it. Now she has been in a wonderful relationship with her boyfriend for 3 years now.

I have an 8 girl, 10, girl, 11 boy and will have the same rules. With all my kids, I explain the meaning of "dating/courting" and let them know they will not be dating, and preferably not till after college lol. They have been hearing this for so many years, that when the time comes it will not be a shock. We have even gone thru some comebacks to not hurt peoples feelings if they get asked out. I'm trying to cover everything with them since kids dating is so common.

My daughter and her middle school boyfriend dated by either me or his dad picking kids up and taking them to our homes to play video games.

NOT going to happen here. Our girl will follow church standards. She'll go to group activities and can have a special guy she wants to sit with and can even hold hands if she wants to. BUT she is not allowed to kiss or make out or leave the group with him. Not going to happen. And I will know because I know a LOT of people in town. They'll be happy to let me know if they see her doing something like that.

For the most part her friends are good kids that go to church and 99% remain virgins until marriage and might not have even kissed a boy until they get engaged. So I'm not too worried yet.

At age 16 she'll have enough experience with boys to hopefully be able to handle going on a real date. I hope she has the maturity and confidence to handle herself with a date of any sort whether they're on a group date or a private date.

Around here a lot of middle schoolers go in groups to the movies, etc.
As far as "dating" one on one, I am not sure.

My daughter did have a boyfriend in middle school and she would join his family sometimes for bowling, movies, etc but they never went one on one. She was 16 when she went on her first one on one date.

It is not unusual for middle schoolers to date. My kids never cared about dating at that age. They're 17 (twins) and only in the past year have they started dating. In middle school, dating is pointless. They date for a few months, break up, ruin their friendhips, feel heart broken, then move on to the next relationship. It rarely lasts.

When I was in middle school in the early 80's, some kids did date. I didn't, and probably most kids didn't, but some did. My kids won't!!! Sure, they'll have boyfriends and girlfriends (my first grader has a "boyfriend" in her class, and I think my 4th grader might) but no going alone to real dates at that age.