Mom Needing Help with Son's Sleep Issue

Well, in my experience with children i found it best to let them cry it out. And even if they get sick, just clean it up and keep to the standing that its his room and he needs to sleep in it. It may sound cruel and unusual, but try getting him a nightlite and some soft soothing music. He will, eventually, get the idea and settle into it.

Get the Dr. Sears Nighttime Parenting book. It will do you and your son worlds of good.

Yes, definitely don't force him to cry it out. That will just make his stress surrounding sleep worse.

Maybe for now you should just let him sleep with you. Let him get back to a place where he feels secure and comforted, and then work on getting him to sleep in his own room. It won't be the end of him or you to have your little one sleep in your bed for a bit. The more secure and loved he feels, the more independent he will eventually be.

It's a process. That's what growing up is :)

L.

I don't know why I continue to read these posts. I get so upset every time I read the advice to let them cry even if they get sick, even making them help clean it up.

My advice may seem harsh to the ADULTS, but here goes: First off, you wanted them to sleep with you when they were little and cuddly and all of a sudden, when YOU decide you no longer want them, you punish THEM for your choices. Transition should be gradual and when THEY are able to handle it, not when you FORCE it on them. I'm sorry, but you all need to grow up and put the needs of your children first. Oh wait, I'm not sorry. This is something that needs to be said.

A. :(

M.,

I saw a nanny/rescue show where the family had this problem. I know it's just tv, but what she did seemed to work.

The parents got up every single time the child came into their room. They were instructed to silently escort the child back into bed, and exit the room. The couple tried this method. They got out of bed something like 25 times during the first night. The method did work, but I noticed it didn't take until they finally took the advice not to speak to the child or respond to tantrums in any way. I'm not going to say they weren't exhausted...you know better than that, but it did work.

Also, my friend finally convinced her two year old to stay in bed like the sun. Now she enjoys watching the sun go down so she can go to bed too...cute and effective.

I know it's hard to transition into the time when wants and needs are no longer the same thing. My 9 month old son has already started down that path. Good luck to you.

My sister had a similar problem with her 3 year old daughter. The doctor told her to make a chart and every night she sleeps in her own bed she gets a star (or in her case my sister draws a silly picture). That gives her something to look forward and she is seeing a reward. If you really wanted to you could even do a prize at the end of the week if he goes the entire week in his own bed. Eventually sleeping in his own bed should become a habit. It might take time, but what doesn't when raising a child!!

And why can't he sleep with you? My daughter did this and at 6 years old she still sleeps with me....much happier child. Why put your child through this...he throws up????? That is awful.

Maybe make a pallet right by your bed?

Good Lord I would do anything to avoid that stress and VOMITING from my child.

My son likes to sleep in the closet, so be it.

Is there a rule somewhere that kids HAVE to sleep in their bed?

WOW....I am still stuck on your child vomiting.

T.

I just want to assure you that he WILL grow out of this. Kids just go through phases. Give yourself permission to not have this battle if it gets too stressful. If you try to make a big change and it doesn't work, shelve it and try again next week. My 3rd child didn't sleep through the night until she was 4. She did not like to sleep by herself. So, we used a variety of things. We let the dog sleep with her. We put a sleeping bag by our bed and gave her permission to come in anytime and go to sleep on the floor by our bed. If she did it without waking us up, we gave her a special treat the next day. You could even reward him for every HOUR he spends in his bed for awhile. Like, you get an M&M for every hour you spend in your bed. Or, you get to watch 10 min. of TV for every hour you spend in your bed. I wouldn't spend anytime focusing on the hours he's not spending in his bed -- just reward him for the time he is doing it right. Hang in there. He'll get there eventually.

My daughter at about that age always told me she was having a nightmare. I was concerned about how many nightmares she was having until she confessed it was just a ploy to get into bed with me! Our son took a different tack: he fixed up "beds" near our room. For years he slept under the stairs like Harry Potter. If you are not too strict, perhaps a sleeping bag somewhere near your room would help. It is just a phase, and both my kids are fine now.

I understand the pressure to put your child in their own bed. You want to get back to having your own bed, etc. The child does not understand at this age very well - they can easily take it as a rejection leading to more clingy behavior, delayed bed times, the vomiting, etc. You have to help the child see this transition as a privaledge, a good thing that they WANT, and not as a rejection, punishment, or scary place to be.
If the child has already taken this transition/new space in a negative light you may need to wait 3-6 months before you try again while the child becomes more secure and gets over the anxiety that is now there. You need to deal with the damage that has already been done before you try again.
Try to get your spouce to help with this as well by not being irritated or intolerant - remind him he will get his attention soon enough but the tension will only delay that for everyone. Guys seem to be the big problem behind pushing for earlier breastfeeding/sleep weaning while more often the women I talk to find these times to be pleasant and they are not eager to give them up. Y'all have a lifetime together, you only get a few years of your child needing you so much - he can be the bigger man and help you keep your cool as the transition is being made.

I co-slept with my child for the first several years (sometimes my husband who did not agree with co-sleeping would go to the couch or the spare bed) and gradually weaned her to her own bed. She was in her own room by the time school started & she has never been afraid of anything. Use the same tactics for weaning your child to their own room as one would use for weaning from breastfeeding:
*Take the time to let them help you pick out the space and make it their own. When they have made the space comfortable to them and it is "theirs" (even if it looks really tacky to us) they will be more willing to stay in it.
*Plan an extra few minutes (I averaged 30) to ease the sleep transition with you there... read, cuddle, assure them they are special to you no matter what & that you WILL be there if ever they need you.
*Don't try to change too many things in their life at one time. If you are going to adjust sleep - leave off diet, study, activity changes till this is done. Kids don't adjust as easily as we want them to because they have a small experience reference to make cognative connections with.
*Set clear rules/expectations but keep it simple. Show them an analog clock then mark what is bed time, wake time, etc and tell them "from [time] till [time] I am going to be asleep... and I expect you to be asleep too. I do not want you to come into my room from this time to this time because I will be asleep; if you wake up between these times I expect you to play quietly in your room."
*While the child is co-sleeping before you reattempt the transition: When the child is in bed with you make a solid rule that they will only sleep in a certain space and if they roll around/kick/etc too much you will tell them to leave because YOU have to have your sleep too. This can actually be part of hte transition. My child had to be sent out of my room a few times for this reason because it was more of a "are you really going to bed or can I push it?" test.
*After the child is put to bed, go to bed with your spouce. You need time together, the child needs to believe you have gone to sleep and s/he is not missing anything. This is a great time to get a relaxing bath, massage, or share a glass of wime/beer - whatever.
*Avoid exposing your child to ideas that would make them fear being alone in their room. You'd be surprised how many very small children are exposed to horror flicks and then the parents are frustrated the kid is afraid of the dark, closets, sounds, etc. Kids pick up everything they are exposed to... but they do not have the ability to differentiate fact from fiction and with the limited experience they do not process it as we would anticipate. Keep those horror flicks, suspenceful TV shows, and conversations about tense subjects out of ear/eye shot of your child till they are older (10+).

I hope my experiences (and hard learned lessons) help you find the peace you need, to be the wonderful parent you are. Do what feels best for your family now and they will be easier to deal with as they grow. Good luck!

This is what we did with my daughter:

First, we made a deal with her, if she would sleep in her bed all night for 2 nights in a row, then she could sleep with us one night. After some time then it was, if she could sleep in her bed every weeknight then she could sleep in our bed one of the weekend nights. If she were to come into our room on a night that we hadn't made a deal for, she had to sleep on the floor (she was only allowed in the bed with us on the nights she had earned).

We were very consistent and used the exact same routine each night.

When we put her to bed, we would read a book or talk for a few minutes and then I would rub her back for about 15 seconds. I would tell her that I would be back. When we first started this process, I would walk out the door and then right back in. I would rub her back for about 15 seconds and tell her I would be back. I would wait a little longer each time before going back and repeating the same thing. I would do this until she feel asleep, however, she stayed in bed because she could trust that I was coming back. Eventually, we could wait about 10 minutes before going back and most of the time she would be asleep before we got there. This is hard work at first, you're evening is shot because your main focus should be making sure you don't wait too long to go back that your son doesn't trust you are coming. As long as you are consistent and stick with it, I bet it will work for you too.

Good luck!