Mom Seeking Ideas About Computers

Wow, Donna, that sounds tough!

I have no specific advice here but I'll tell ya...I've started watching "Supernanny" and "Nanny911" and these shows have some GREAT ideas regarding these issues. I've really found them helpful.

Also, as always, I will recommend "How to talk so kids will listen, and listen so kids will talk" (Eileen Faber) ..I found that book invaluable with my first and when I counselled kids it was great for helping with tantrums.
Good luck, hon!

Is he being treated for ADHD/Asperger's? I know my primary care treats it and she is great and has tons of success w/her patients, espec. children! I don't know where you are located but she does do phone and email consults/follow ups after the initial in office visit. I can't highly recommend her enough, her website is www.holisticfamilyhealthcarepc.com if you are interested in seeing what she's all about. I know what it's like to battle w/the kids and you can only take so much! hth!

As with anything, you, or a child could have too much - food, T.V., computers, etc.... my advice would be to allow him on, but for a set time limit each day. If he gives you problems when his time is up, then he won't be allowed on the next day. It will be tough, but you have to stick with and enforce the guidlines you set. Good Luck.

We have a "no video games, no computer, no TV on school nights" policy in this house. This does not mean it never happens, but it means that it is completely on our terms. If the kids bug us about it during the week, they lose weekend priveledges. As they have gone through different ages and stages the priorities have changed (TV v. Computer v. video games). My youngest is 5 1/2 and has just started the computer obsession (he has a wide range of "stuff" going on including ADHD, ASD, etc.) - getting him off is a nightmare - but I have found that giving him a 5 minute warning and then setting the timer works reasonably well. He responds to the timer in a way he does not respond to me - it is clear and finite. The other thing we have done when my oldest (almost 13) loses perspective about who is in charge around here is to password protect the entire computer system. They have to have the password to get on at all - so it allows us to control who goes on. This does not help the problem on the back end of getting them off, but it definitely solved the "sneaking on" when we weren't looking....or my pre-teen's favorite: I just need to check something really quickly....it's amazing how that something evolves into, "as long as I was on I just...." I hope this helps - it's an awful battle and it's even harder when the meltdown response from the kids almost doesn't make it worth the battle in the first place. Good luck!

For whatever reason he loves computer games. that's not necessarily bad. You DO get to control which ones you buy, and there aren't any ads for ED and stuff like that show up unannounced and unedited on TV. So computer games are better than TV in my mind.

This is the son with Aspergers ? If so, I would ask for some ideas from a resource person regarding this behavior and how to cope with it. Or talk to some other moms with special needs kids. We have 4 autistic kids and 1 with aspergers in our church, and we have the Barber center nearby where all of them get help.

with aspergers, if I'm correct, (not sure) he's going to get into his own world and that's where he wants to stay. My understanding is that he'll be able to focus very very clearly and very intelligently on a particular item that interests him, and it'll be kind of like using a microscope -- blocking the rest of reality out, and just focusing on the little cell in question. A cell that you and I don't particularly notice, cuz we are looking at the broad picture. he is probably very intelligent.

And it's Xmas time. . . why don't you explore some different kind of computerized stuff? How about an architectural program so he can design and build houses ? Something that puts his innate creativity to work ? If there are subjects in school that he struggles with, then you could get something that helps him to process that stuff, and have fun doing it, and he has to do that for 1/2 hour before he goes to the fun ? Expand his repertoire without taking the pc away. It's obviously a place he feels safe (no one makes fun of him for being different), and he enjoyes it. If you expand his fields of interest, even if you only end up exposing him to other things, it might be helpful to him, and look at the things he is avoiding -- he isn't online so he isn't bumping into perps, he isn't watching disgusting TV commercials, and he isn't hurting anyone.

when I was a kid, my brother came home from high school, turned on the TV and watched Westerns all the time (I am dating myself, here). that's what he did EVERY afternoon. when I was in high school, I practiced piano and clarinet, and guitar and voice every day, all the time, or I went to a high school sporting event. We were pretty boring, I guess, doing the same thing all the time, too, it was just a different activity.

As he gets older, he'll probably become more interested in friends, and he might bet involved in extra-curricular stuff of some kind at school, but right now this is where he's at. You could have the computer time end at supper time, or something. He'd quit playing to eat and it's easier at that point to hit the circuit breaker or something and just say the pc doesn't work after supper, or something, and avoid the fights. but then you'd have to also come up with something for him to DO instead -- perhaps legos ? Transformers ?? something he'd be interested in that he could use creatively.

there are going to be times, however, when you HAVE to pull him of the pc -- like to go to the store, or something. When you know it's going to happen, BEFORE he gets online, let him know that he only has a certain amount of time, and tell him he will have to stop at, say 4:00. If he can stop at 4:00, he'll be able to get on again after supper. If he has a tantrum, then he won't be able to use it in the evening. And just hit the circuit breaker or something after supper. )You can turn the pc off at mealtime, so it doesn't jar the system to turn off the juice at the outlet level(

You should try to stay calm and not fight back, if you can. Just tell him the consequences, and make them happen. It's not a threat, this is the reality: if you do this, then this happens. And then, guess what ? It DOES happen. That's life. He'll figure it out. and he'll learn to live with the system even if he doesn't like it. The calmer you stay, however, the calmer he will stay. So when you tell him to get off the system, and he doesn't, set the timer for 15 minutes. He wins an extra 15, but if he doesn't turn it off, you can do it at the breaker box, and it will just stop working. As long as he's had warning, and he didn't obey, he brought it on himself. then you can comfort him, because he didn't like the consequences. Sometimes you have experiences that have bad consequences when you make the wrong decision, too. We all need to learn that lesson -- and some of us forget and need to learn it over and over again. remember that he's only 10. It's a good time to learn the lessons, but it's also a good time to love him, and let him know that no matter what happens, you will always love him. AND that he has to obey the rules. Just be sure he knows the rule he has to obey before he starts playing the game. It'll make it a whole lot easier.

and, good luck. Set a pattern, and live with it. Evaluate things as you go, but be consistent. The rest will fall into place. :-)

i haven't read the other responses, so forgive me if someone else already said this, but I was looking into having seperate profiles for my husband and I and for our daughters. There was one thing on there that was cool.... you can give the computer a set time limit for each profile for the day... say 1 hour. I assume after that 1 hour has been used, they can't log on until the next day. maybe this would help... the computer can be the "bad guy" shutting itself off!

My ds is 7 and he can be the same way. We got a ps2 last yr for Christmas and he got addicted very quickly. We now ground him when he starts to get out of control. So if you take him off the computer for a week it may help the situation a lot. You may have a huge whiner on your hands like we did. But in a week's time you'll have your son back. Make your choice as to who you want living in your house. While it may be a huge initial pain in the butt going through the withdrawal it will be way worth it in the end!

Hi Donna, Yahoo has a great parental control that you can set with a time limit and the hours in which he is on the computer. For example he can only be on the computer between the hours of 6pm and 9pm for a maxium of 2 hours a day. I am sure that will help a bit. You also might want to make up a computer contract. All homework, chores and at least one outside activity must be done before he is allowed to be on the computer for (set your time limit) a day. Any whinning, temper-tantrums, or crying will result in NO COMPUTER for the day. This one will be hard to enforce since your having the problem now, but if you stick to the contract and you make him understand that you mean business it should control it after he realizes that.

At 10 he should be able to make a commitment to some outside activities like music, scouts, a sport or even martial arts. He could even get into a hip-hop or tap dance class! Maybe a photography club, or gardening (he can start planning his garden now) or modles or even working on puzzles would be more to his liking. You don't want him to be on the computer so you have to give him something else to focus on that can catch his attention and hold it for a time. If he can be on the computer for hours he can focus and be productive...all you have to do is find that activity that catches his imigination...maybe even game building? Stay strong and hang in there you'll be glad in the long run! Best wishes.

It is a dual issue with your son having add and aspergers. that in itself will cause issues. i am sure it may be hard to reason with him. i would see if you could do something so he earns the right to play games. i would have a chart and if he does something good he earns time on the computer. you should also may be have an alloted time for him to be on the computer. take him to go rollerskating or iceskating. tell him it is a surprise and take him and his brother. i used to go when i was younger and it was something that i looked forward to.

Donna,
We had to put a time limit on the computer/video games at our house. We are down to one hour a day. My son now knows that if he doesn't keep it to the time limit then there are consequences. He is not allowed to have any time on the computer the following day and days will get added on if there is alot of complaint. A timer seemed to help at the beginning. I hope some of this helps you. Good luck with this I know it can be difficult.
L. R

Hi Donna,

I hate to say it but it sounds like your son is the one setting the rules.

one approach you might want to try.

The boys need to know this in advance.

Let him play games before dinner, then at dinner time the computer has to be turned off. If he refuses, tell him that if he doesn't turn it off within (5 minutes for example) he won't get any dinner, or bed time snack. He will test you on this and keep playing, then when he is hungry and wants to eat, you will need to not give in. Missing a few meals will not hurt him and it will teach him to follow the rules.

Th temper tantrums are an attempt to control you and get him what he wants. Don't fight and yell, just have predermined consequenses for the expected actions. These consequenses need to "hurt" in other words things that you son wants to do can be restricted and or things he does not want to do increased as the result of his choice of behavior. This will take time but I bet you will see an improvement within a week or two, if you and your husband are consistant.

God Bless

I know a family that sets a timer when each kid's time starts (they have 4). It took some time for the kids to not fight about getting off, but mom and dad were firm and now it works well

Donna,
Your son has Asperger's ... the computer games are probably the only thing he enjoys. His brain doesn't work like "normal" kids ... you have to treat him different. If that's what he enjoys, let him be and don't force him to do other activities. I understand you have to set a limit, and he needs to do his homework, etc, but after that let him be.

Dear Donna,
While I agree that b/c your son has Aspergers & ADHD his brain doesn't function the same way, I don't agree that this should mean he gets free reign of the computer. Like anything else it is a privilege, and both of you need to treat it as such. At the same time, since this is probably one of the few things that he enjoys, you'll want to be very careful about taking it away completely. I would suggest that you figure out what you feel is an acceptable amount of time per day for him to be on the computer playing games. Once you've got that figured out, discuss it with him & let him know that from now on he'll have XX amount of minutes/hours per day to play, but only AFTER his homework is done & any other responsiblities he has at home are completed. This way, the sooner he does what he NEEDS to do, the sooner he'll be able to do what he WANTS to do! The power-strip suggestion is GREAT! Also, ask him what other things he likes to do & let him know that you want to do things with him.
As for you controlling him, you NEED to! It's your job as his mom. If you can't control him now, the problems will only get worse. It's better for him to learn to respect authority & follow directions from you than from anyone else! While you are aware of his specific needs, others won't always be, & they certainly won't be as understanding & forgiving as you are when he simply refuses to do what he's told ~ whether it's at school, a job, or anywhere else. You mentioned that controlling him is "too hard" & I hope that was just a period of frustration. We all have them, but as parents, it's our job to teach our children how to follow rules. If he won't follow your rules at home, he'll likely have trouble following the rules at school, work, & perhaps eventually with the law. You're the mom & that means that you have to be in charge. It's understandable that your son disregards you, if he knows he has a stronger will, & eventually you'll get tired & let him have his way. Being a parent is rarely easy, but that seems to be the case with most worthwhile things. Don't give up! You can do it! After all, you had the courage to ask for help, and that takes humility AND strength! I'll be praying for you AND your sons! May God bless your efforts to train your children!

Our son at age 10 got hooked on a game on the computer. We thought we could handle it (he was our third boy) and we had the computer in the family room. It was clear that we sounded like the Peanuts cartoon teacher to him when we shouted, threatened, punished, fought, etc. Then one day it hit us that we weren't making the statement we needed. My husband came home from work, disassembled the computer and just took it to work for a few months. It worked, yes the first day or two was hard, we sent him to the spare room with nothing to break and little to do when he got too out of control. By day three we had our son back. I did offer lots of positive options- bake cookies with me, play a game, color, go for a walk, etc. At first he rejected all of those ideas. Then he gave in a bit and called a few friends too. Fast forward three years... He does have access to a computer and it is required for school (not my choice). He occasionally gets a bit out of control, but has never forgotten that we can and will follow through. Who knows it might work for you!

You already have a lot of good advice here, but I was just wondering, assuming you're talking about your AS/ADHD son, if you don't have wraparound -- a TSS and a BSC -- to work on this issue. I have a 4-y-o son on the spectrum, who already has his own obsessions and tantrums, of course, and I get so much help in how to shape his behavior from our "team." They're happy to advise me, too, as to how to deal with behaviors from my typical child since she's providing a model for my son. You might look into therapeutic social skills groups, too, for another outlet to get your son away from the computer so that he can spend constructive time with peers. I don't know what the situation is like in DE, but in PA everything I've mentioned is covered by insurance. Oh, just another thought if you're looking for something else to get your son into: karate. It's supposed to be great for discipline and self-esteem, in addition to being physical. Of course, you don't want him learning to use it to defend his computer time, though ;) Good luck.

Hi Donna-
I'm not sure how to change the computer "addicition" problem other than a reward program. When my kids were younger we had "coupons" or "money" to buy priveledges such as TV, computer and handheld games. The time coupons could be earned but they could be fined dependent on behavior or good will.
Also, I'c love to recommend an ADD/ADHD website for help in the other areas you mentioned Check out www.addconsults.com I just discovered Terry Matlen about a month ago, she's awesome.
Good Luck

I think you should let him have his computer time. It helps him focus his attention, and that is probably a relief to him, with his disorder. You and he should discuss a time limit, and consequences if he doesn't follow the rules, and make it like a contract. There should be some sort of reward for keeping to the agreement, (like maybe an extra 1/2 hr? of time the following day?)
I have a 5 year old with Autism Spectrum Disorder, as well as ADD, and I have had his neurologist suggest the computer as a focusing tool. My son acually uses hand-held games, like a Nintendo DS, Leapster, and VSmile to help him with his concentration.
It's really hard to reason with this type of child, and I also have a tantrum-thrower, so I truly understand where you're coming from.
C. G.

Computer games are a luxury, not a privilege. Put parental controls on the computer where he can't get on unless YOU enter a password. That goes for your television as well. You can set parental controls on that as well and put an age limit on it. Video game consoles can have the controllers taken away. Your son must earn the privilege to get on his games. When his homework is done, chores are done, behavior has been acceptable, grades are at an acceptable level across the board (ex: C's or higher), then he can get on the games. He gets a time limit. He must get off after that time (set a timer). If he does not, then he is banned from his games for X amount of days. If he gets off and throws a tantrum, he's banned from his games for X amount of days. Count how many games he has on the computer. Decide on how many is enough and delete the rest. Be sure those games are age appropriate for a 10 year old. Anything older than that should be taken away and given to charity. Games that are too old for him may be fostering some of his ill behavior. You're the parent. Take charge. If he doesn't like it, tough. You have to be tough enough to put up with his negative response. Don't give in because you don't want to hear or deal with it. The more fits he throws, the more things you take away. Then remind him that his tantrums are not becoming of a 10 year old as his friends would be laughing at him if they saw him acting that way.

K. B
mom to 5 including triplets

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From what you describe it looks like he became addicted to the computer. If he does not want to stop playing after,,let's say..half and hour, then you should not allow him to play at all. He can complain as much as he wants. Just because he complains, it doesn't mean that you have to let him play. He will eventually stop. I have a 7 year old daughter who likes playing her computer games, too, but I do not allow her more than 1/2 hour per day. It is not good for their eyes or behaviour. They need to have physical activities.
Regarding turning off the computer, you don't have to do that. You can lock it with a password and he won't be able to get in.
Good luck!

Is the computer in a family room? This is so important. Also is your computer password protected? This means he couldn't get on without your say so. I would also get an program that filters your internet. Here's an extra thing that might be useful too.
http://www.surfrecon.com/offer/filters-dont-filter-everyt...
I knew families who could earn computer time by doing things like homework, chores etc. They had to work for it and a log was kept. (There are many fun ways you could use to keep a log). They then had to be on for the time they earned and no more.
Can you find a way to make computer time a family affair. My husband loves to play Lego star wars with my boys and my husband and I and our eldest love to play Pirates by Sid Meyers.
Are the other activities you plan ones he does independently? Maybe he would benefit more from activities that you can all do together.
Do you give him a count down so he knows when his time is coming to an end? This may make transition time easier because he knows he only has so much time left.
Maybe you nad he could come up with a schedule together of computer time and that way he would feel more in control.
Good luck

Donna,

You have a lot of good advice already. Here's my 2 cents. We have a 12 year old ADHD son, so I feel your pain. ADD/ADHD kids are more susceptible to additictions than the average kids. This is not just my opinion; this is research. If we let our son, he would be on the computer/wii 24/7. Against his wishes, we have signed him up for some things after school (mathcounts and school play) to ensure that he doesn't have too much free time which is just filled with the computer/video games. Though he fought initially, he has grown to like some other things. You have to take charge and do what's best for him - even if he cries or fights you on it. We use the computer time as punishments and rewards. For example, last night he didn't do his chores, so he has no computer/video game time today...and that hurts since it's Saturday and he gets more time on the weekends during the week. There's no arguing about it or he loses it tomorrow as well. He can also earn extra time by reading or doing some type of physical activity.

We have a contract with our son...and various contract violations (such as not doing chores when requested) come with certain penalties (losing gaming time). He knows in advance what the penalties are, so it takes the emotion out of it. Don't get me wrong...it's still hard...BUT...our goal is for him to grow into a productive/functioning member of society and the stakes are small now. I'd rather he be mad at us now than get fired from a job at 30 because he can't manage himself.

Good luck!

Donna i have three kids and they are allowed on the computer after their chores are done and they are only allowed on it for one hour. That is the rule and if they complain after one hour then they are not allowed on it the next day. YOU have to have rules and stick to them. Maybe if he can't use the computer one day because of whinning then he will realize that there are time out for every thing. The think is you have to do this every time---every time. i know money is thigh for a single mom but there are things that don't cost a lot. We play board games and go tot he park and do stuff tht is very low cost. Checkers are one of them.
Good luck Jade

I think you can't let things go on the way they are.
You could try letting him "earn" computer time by doing chores or doing physical activity.
You could set a time limit like 1 hr per day and he can either have 1 hour at a time or 3 shorter, 20 minute sessions. He's not going to like it at all. Is this the son with Aspergers? It may be his way of stimming (?). Still, try to do a reward system for computer time.
My son is 5-1/2 and he loves computer games too, but our rule is not for more than half hour, not every day and if he gets frustrated/screams or yells while playing, the computer goes OFF immdiately and that's it for the day. As long as you shut your computer down properly, I don't see why it would cause a "programming problem,"
Good luck!
p.s. Also, no video games before bedtime--it wires them up too much!

Donna,

You need to get ideas and help with this from parents and professionals who deal with kids with issues. Your child is not just "addicted" like other kids. His brain is working differently.

I have a son on the spectrum as well. This is not a parenting or computer program, nor is it simply a discipline problem. This is related to his ADD/AS, and you may need to work with a Behavioral Specialist on this. Obsessive/Compulsive behaviors are often seen in kids with AS. And is is quite typical for AS kids to have one "thing" that they fixate on and want to do/talk about ALL the time.

Your son's behavioral problems will probably not just resolve if you 'crack' down, you'll probably have to address the ADD/AS first.

I recommend reading "Healing the New Childhood Epidemics" by Dr. Bock.

hope that helps!
L.

It sounds like he has an addiction. That reminded me of an episode of Dr. Phil that I saw a while back. I found the episode archive for you to read. http://drphil.com/shows/show/1149/ Didn't have too much advice so I found some other links: http://drphil.com/articles/article/297/
http://www.tellinitlikeitis.net/2008/11/video-game-addict...
this last link seems to have alot of good information and links. There is a 'detox for video game addiction' at the end of the article that seems pretty informative. Good luck - I really feel for you!

Okay, I don't think there is a really great solution to this. You want him to be able to use the computer for homework and such but at the same time you don't want that to be all he does.

Here is my suggestion for working this out a bit... First of all, explain to him that he has been using the computer too often (probably to the point that his other responsibilities are not being completed?). Tell him that because he is using it so much, you are starting some new guidelines. He may use it for homework as needed provided he check with you first and you approve him using it and know what he is going to be doing on line. As for gaming, he may have (you pick the amount of time for your son, I'm just using an example) 30 minutes of game time each day. If he does all of his homework and his chores for the day and there is more time before bed, he may have an extra 30 minutes. To encourage him to read, I would, also, suggest a reward of 30-60 minutes of computer time for each chapter book he reads completely and is able to give you a summary of and answer your questions about. If he wants that extra computer time, he'll do the reading and you may find that it peaks more of an interest in reading as opposed to sitting in front of the computer. Also, if he signs up for a sport, I'd give him an extra 15 minutes for each practice and an extra 30 minutes for each game. However, I would also make this condition. No matter how much time he earns on the computer, his computer time is not to exceed 2 hours per day on any day (including homework time). Also, any gaming time is not to be started until his chores and homework are done.

Anyhow, I know that doesn't solve it completely but it is a way to get him involved in other activities and limit his computer time (hopefully with minimal fuss).

One last suggestion/note... plug the computer into a surge protector strip with an on/off switch. This way if he starts to argue about staying on the computer when you tell him to get off, there is no fighting to pull him away, you can simply flip the switch on him. If he tries to turn it back on, then you take away computer time he has earned or his computer time for the next day or suspend all of his computer activity for a set period of time. But if it is attached to an on/off switch, then you don't need to wrestle him.

Good luck. I hope this helps.

Sorry-you have to control him or else. It doesn't matter what the tantrums are for, he shouldn't be allowed to throw tantrums. You should discipline him firmly for every tantrum the minute it starts-it's not about the computer. In addition to that, you should shut off the computer or move it to a room he can't access. You're the boss, it's your house, he needs to do other healthy activities, and most of all, he needs to be taught not to control you with tantrums.
He doesn't have a short attetnion span on the computer. Kids with ADHD need firm rules and structure even more than other kids.
It doesn't sound like you want to do this, you seem to predict that he won't allow you to diversify his experiences or spend money on other things etc. Getting out and riding his bike because there is no computer is free, and making mom's life miserable shouldn't be allowed. If you can't crack down, then just surrender to his control and live with it. There is no easy way to make him stop fighting you.